Dear Jim -- A New Dad

Dear Jim,

Last year, I wrote you a letter that I shared on this very blog.  It sparked an interest in our story that led to more support than I could have ever imagined.  I just wanted to share the letter so others knew just how much I wanted you to be a father-- how much I believed you would be a good one.  And tonight, the night before Father's Day, I sit in the basement with my parents watching Sherlock and listen to you upstairs... playing with our son.

When I wrote that letter, it seemed so far away.  An impossibility.  Something we really wanted but it was just a dream.

But it's true now.  I am listening to you laugh while he coos at you in return right now.  I watched you feed him moments after he was born.  I huddled around his hospital bassinet with you as we nervously changed that first diaper together.  I stole glances at you while you stared into his face while he was sleeping, I took pictures of the two of you when you fell asleep with him.

And, not to brag, I was right all along.  You are a great dad.  You have not once complained about a diaper change or when I hand him off to you so I can get something else done.  You swaddle much better than I do.  You put him to sleep at night.

You are the light at the end of our day.  At just the moment when Josiah is looking at me like he can't believe we are singing this song again, he hears the garage door open and his eyes light up and his signature smile spreads across his face.  I join him-- you are home!  Not only an extra pair of hands to help but they are your hands!

We don't have a lot of time for each other in this particular season in life.  When we are together we talk about our new boy, projects around the house, or I complain about your busy schedule and how I never see you anymore.  Though I really should be taking our time together to say thank you instead of complaining.  I know you are doing your best and I know that we are dedicated to keeping our marriage strong.

Thank you for being my husband, thank you for being Josiah's dad.  Thank you for all that you did while we waited impatiently to come home with him.  Thank you for learning how to swaddle, how to burp him, how to install car seats and put together a crib.  Thank you for coming downstairs to sit beside me right now, holding Josiah in your lap and his pacifier in his mouth with your finger.

It is one of the greatest honors I've had all year to be able to tell you for the first time-- Happy Father's Day!

Your Loving Wife,
Kristin

Back At It

After what is potentially the longest maternity leave given to a mother who didn't give birth, I rejoined the workforce at almost my normal schedule Wednesday.  It was a slower day at the shop and being the impatient child that I am, I almost ran home when I left an hour early so I could hug my baby.  Being the baby that he is, however, he was dead asleep on grandma when I walked in the door and I had a moment of selflessness and decided not to wake him up to clobber him with pent up mommy love.  Once he was awake, however, he was basically an extension of my left arm.  Turns out I am going to miss this little guy a lot when I'm not staring at his face all day.

My parents have been living with us for a week now, as they wait for their home to be completed.  It has been nice to have some extra hands to hold the little guy when I need to make dinner and it requires both hands.  It has also been nice to sleep in and know that my mom will be willing to help if I don't get everything done in time (a few times I walk in the door after a run just as his feeding is starting).  But, I sometimes just need to take my boy and hide in a room for a while to reconnect without others involvement.

It's an interesting season in life.  I'm much busier than I prefer to be, especially when I have waited so long to be busy with a baby and have so many things pulling me.  Jim seems busier than ever and our schedules never seem to coincide.  Josiah is growing every day-- seems like he grows twice a day these days.  I'm torn with every decision I make.  I want to be an active member of our community, I want to be a good employee who completes her full schedule every week, I want to be committed to the things I've agreed to do, but then I also really just want to spend my time with my son.  I know this is not a new musing, as most women have to make these decisions, but it's weighing on my heart a bit.  I don't know what to give up, but something is going to have to give... we waited quite a while for this and I want to do it right. 

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer thus far and I hope you aren't as confused as I am about what you want in your life right now.