Pretty much everyone I have seen in the past week has the same tentative question.
"...So... how did it go this weekend?"
and pretty much every time I've responded with the same tentative answer.
"...As good as it could have gone?"
So instead of leaving everyone who isn't comfortable asking questions about our weekend without answers, here is what I can tell you. We went to Michigan to spend time with Josiah's birth mother and some of his biological family (she also happens to be the birth mother to our potential second son, due in September).
Josiah, as usual, charmed everyone we were in contact with. We spent about 4 hours both Friday and Saturday with his family. There wasn't any awkwardness, at least that we could tell, from any parties. They commented on how he looks like her, mentioned how well behaved and soft spoken he was, and he called them each by name. I didn't feel awkward to be around her and she seemed pleased to see us.
So, as a visit of this nature would go, it went very smoothly.
However, as a visit of a potential adoption situation, it was scary and uncomfortable. We met with lawyers for her and for us and of course one had to point out that she had dealt with situations where birth mothers changed their mind the second time even though she had chosen the same family. Thanks, lady.
As is always the case, there were things that simply made us (read:me) feel uncertain and concerned about the future. I want to believe that this is coming true but the back of my mind, the pit of my stomach and somewhere in my heart are holding out on excitement and instead filled with lead. If this goes well (and I say this not as a hopeful adoptive parent thinking "well" means I get a child at the end of the day, I say this as someone who knows the situation and knows that it will be better for the baby and his brother), it will be an amazing dream come true. If this doesn't go well, we will not only face a more difficult relationship with our son's mother moving forward (one that regardless, I will still maintain, at least at a basic level, for the sake of my son) it will also put a temporary or permanent hold on our dreams to adopt again... we don't get money back that we are paying to lawyers or for living expenses. With this money leaving and not enough coming in, it will be a while before our savings is up to par again. And to be blunt... I don't think I can be in this season much longer, so that would probably mean we are done.
So. It went as well as it could have. I was happy to see her. I got to touch the belly that holds my potential future son. We even discussed names with her. I'm glad she got to see him and I'm glad Josiah will have pictures of this weekend to remember it by.
But prayers, as usual, are always appreciated. That this adoption decision is legitimate and that she is dedicated to it. That we know the words to say to encourage her and love her despite my fears.
*******
Speaking of my fears, over Easter break, my sister-in-law, Lezlie, handed me a book she recommend I read. She said she thought of me a lot when she was reading it. I read it in one Josiah nap time because it was SO. GOOD.
The Lucky Few by Heather Avis.
Heather and her husband go through their infertility journey and land on adoption. As they are waiting they are given the opportunity to adopt a child with Down Syndrome. Throughout the course of the book and of their lives, they adopt three children in total, two with Down Syndrome-- not something she had initially signed on for.
We were already pretty open in our preferences adoption-wise but after I read this book, we called and made ourselves "wide open"--allowing for drugs we had held off on. It was only a couple of weeks later that Josiah's birth mother called. I was so moved by Heather's faith that God was good and in control. I also felt a twinge of recognition when she spoke about trying to funnel God's power through her filter.
If you are at all interested in what infertility, adoption, or having a child with Down Syndrome can feel like in the beginning, I highly recommend this book. It does tie everything up in a nice bow towards the end that I wish she hadn't but at least the first little while, it seems to detail well. As my sister-in-law would probably agree, she didn't dive too much into Down Syndrome and only touched on the first few things to worry about and didn't really continue into the daily struggles with health for children with weakened immune systems. In the same way, she didn't really go into the things that we will have to deal with as our adopted children get older, such as identity and keeping up with birth family.
In any case, I thought it was a great read and I highly recommend it.
I bring it up in this particular post more for my own sake than anything else. I am needed to be reminded constantly, almost minute by minute that God is both good and in control. There are times when I know God is good, but I worry about what He's going to do. And worse, when I know He's going to move but I don't necessarily believe He is good.
God is both good and in control. No matter what happens in the coming months, this is true. If Josiah ends up an only child, this is no less true than if he becomes a brother.
God is good. Even when I'm not.
God is in control. All the time.
Friday, May 18, 2018
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
A Good Bye
Almost 9 years ago I walked nervously into the local music store to introduce myself. I was hoping to establish myself as a private woodwinds instructor in our new town and I knew a relationship with the local music store was a must.
The owner enthusiastically welcomed us to Ogallala. He apologized that he couldn't walk us over to the Chamber of Commerce to get a welcome packet, because the Chamber was closed that day. I gave my contact information and as I was about leave he asked if I wanted to hear an oboe poem. It wasn't a very flattering poem for us oboists, but I laughed regardless.
I was looking for a part time "day job". I had visions of a full lesson schedule and volunteering with a job that just magically let me do both as well as have the same times off as my husband. The pickings were slim.
Then, I received an email. "We are looking for a part time bookkeeper," it read "we were wondering if you might be interested." It was signed by Bob, Lou Kraus Music.
The next Monday I walked in at 9 AM as an employee of Lou Kraus Music, Inc.
I started the job without even asking what my pay would be. I was just excited to be in my field. I was excited to learn more about other parts of the music industry-- because it turns out, not everyone is a classically trained woodwind player. I was excited to be in a business of literally 5 people, including the high school help. It very quickly became "my store".
At first, people would call and ask for Bob or Luis and would almost refuse to even leave messages with me. Soon, however, there were people who would call and ask for me specifically. I painted many walls in that building, rearranged guitars and instruments and organized the office multiple times. I talked Bob into going along with my hair brained ideas, like a reverse recital for teachers to perform for their students, helping as I started a jazz band in town and other random ideas. I took over the window display and sheet music and was the only one excited about inventory day.
The store became somewhat of a family. Christmas parties were held at our homes. When we brought Josiah home, Bob and Shannon were the first to come see him (and they brought Mi Ranchito). Josiah visited Uncle Bob and Uncle Luis at least once every week. He has been changed on a guitar repair bench, he knows the name of instruments most kids wouldn't. He has played a gong, a trap set, a piano, a guitar, a ukulele and whatever else we would let him touch at the store.
And now it's time to say goodbye. The music store has been sold, the store front closing it's doors in less than a month. While music is still alive and well in Ogallala and Bob will continue to be a local music guy, my little corner of the music store office desk will be emptied. The pictures of my family are taken down, the fake rose I bought for a window display is already packed away at home.
It's an odd sensation, closing a chapter of life. Nostalgia mixed with sadness and uncertainty of the future. I may have only been there a couple of days a week, but this was part of what I called home.
I'll continue doing lessons and supporting our local music kids with the music boosters. I'll keep playing at church and in different groups around town. I'll stay at home with my kids (someday potentially soon it will be plural!) and everything will be fine. A new normal will be created. Driving downtown will be a bit different. Things will shift. But they'll be okay. Change is not only inevitable but in the end, necessary.
Until my last day sitting at my burgundy office chair next to the bookshelf where I have been collecting the stickers from the tops of my chai lattes for the past couple of years, I will still be at the shop Monday and will be hosting one final solo night, on Tuesday, May 22, at 6:30. I'll play one more clarinet solo surrounded by the music gear I've personally dusted a hundred times. I'll applaud the performances of those people I would not have known had it not been for this job.
Good bye is never easy. In fact, I'm broken hearted. But I wish my store family the best and hope that Uncle Luis and Uncle Bob and Aunt Shannon will be in my children's lives as role models and music family.
The owner enthusiastically welcomed us to Ogallala. He apologized that he couldn't walk us over to the Chamber of Commerce to get a welcome packet, because the Chamber was closed that day. I gave my contact information and as I was about leave he asked if I wanted to hear an oboe poem. It wasn't a very flattering poem for us oboists, but I laughed regardless.
I was looking for a part time "day job". I had visions of a full lesson schedule and volunteering with a job that just magically let me do both as well as have the same times off as my husband. The pickings were slim.
Then, I received an email. "We are looking for a part time bookkeeper," it read "we were wondering if you might be interested." It was signed by Bob, Lou Kraus Music.
The next Monday I walked in at 9 AM as an employee of Lou Kraus Music, Inc.
I started the job without even asking what my pay would be. I was just excited to be in my field. I was excited to learn more about other parts of the music industry-- because it turns out, not everyone is a classically trained woodwind player. I was excited to be in a business of literally 5 people, including the high school help. It very quickly became "my store".
At first, people would call and ask for Bob or Luis and would almost refuse to even leave messages with me. Soon, however, there were people who would call and ask for me specifically. I painted many walls in that building, rearranged guitars and instruments and organized the office multiple times. I talked Bob into going along with my hair brained ideas, like a reverse recital for teachers to perform for their students, helping as I started a jazz band in town and other random ideas. I took over the window display and sheet music and was the only one excited about inventory day.
The store became somewhat of a family. Christmas parties were held at our homes. When we brought Josiah home, Bob and Shannon were the first to come see him (and they brought Mi Ranchito). Josiah visited Uncle Bob and Uncle Luis at least once every week. He has been changed on a guitar repair bench, he knows the name of instruments most kids wouldn't. He has played a gong, a trap set, a piano, a guitar, a ukulele and whatever else we would let him touch at the store.
And now it's time to say goodbye. The music store has been sold, the store front closing it's doors in less than a month. While music is still alive and well in Ogallala and Bob will continue to be a local music guy, my little corner of the music store office desk will be emptied. The pictures of my family are taken down, the fake rose I bought for a window display is already packed away at home.
It's an odd sensation, closing a chapter of life. Nostalgia mixed with sadness and uncertainty of the future. I may have only been there a couple of days a week, but this was part of what I called home.
I'll continue doing lessons and supporting our local music kids with the music boosters. I'll keep playing at church and in different groups around town. I'll stay at home with my kids (someday potentially soon it will be plural!) and everything will be fine. A new normal will be created. Driving downtown will be a bit different. Things will shift. But they'll be okay. Change is not only inevitable but in the end, necessary.
Until my last day sitting at my burgundy office chair next to the bookshelf where I have been collecting the stickers from the tops of my chai lattes for the past couple of years, I will still be at the shop Monday and will be hosting one final solo night, on Tuesday, May 22, at 6:30. I'll play one more clarinet solo surrounded by the music gear I've personally dusted a hundred times. I'll applaud the performances of those people I would not have known had it not been for this job.
Good bye is never easy. In fact, I'm broken hearted. But I wish my store family the best and hope that Uncle Luis and Uncle Bob and Aunt Shannon will be in my children's lives as role models and music family.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Lots of News
I'm going to start this post off right away with complete and total honesty. The past year has been rough. The highs have been incredibly high and the lows have been incredibly low and emotionally I have felt tossed around like a boat thrown into a hurricane. I don't like to sound dramatic, but this has been the truth in my life.
A lot has happened. There are a lot of details and reasoning that I could add to make people understand why it's been an overwhelming year, but I think I'll just do a bullet point list of the things that have happened.
There was probably more, and there are a lot of details left out, but if you need more details than that we can do coffee sometime and make an actual human connection. For now, if you were wondering what was going on or why I hadn't written in a while, this list is the answer to both in a nutshelll. More posts to come soon, as I do believe I'm healing from the sinus infection and can actually concentrate long enough to write a blog post!
A lot has happened. There are a lot of details and reasoning that I could add to make people understand why it's been an overwhelming year, but I think I'll just do a bullet point list of the things that have happened.
-We joined an adoption agency well over a year ago that to this day I'm not sure I trust.
-After reading "The Lucky Few" by Heather Avis, Jim and I prayed a lot and opened up our preferences even further to allow for all drug usage, etc. It was a pretty big deal.
-I trained for and ran a 50K with Danielle, and falling in love with running again has been a slow, painful process.
-The court case regarding Josiah's finalization (he IS finalized, but the court case we were involved in) is ongoing and is a constant source of surprise stress because we keep thinking it's finally over then receive an email.
- I caught a cold that turned into the worst sinus infection of my life. I'm 10 weeks in and I might finally be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? I've been functioning at maybe 85% for the past few weeks, and much lower than that before.
-We had some difficulties with Josiah's birth family, and I stuck a big foot in my mouth, and probably caused the most crying in my life and my first ever panic attack.
-We had an adoption situation fall through. It was like a death.
-The music store is closing it's retail doors in less than a month so I'm saying goodbye to 9 years of my life. It's been hard to know goodbye is coming.
-Gray, one of our little dogs, officially went blind and is becoming harder and harder to care for. It's sad, because he really is such a sweet dog.
-My dad is still cancer free, which is awesome news.
-My little boy is amazing every. single. day. It is seriously a joy and honor to be called a mother.
-Jim and I are almost half way through our 11th year of marriage and it certainly doesn't seem that long.
-One of my students was accepted into the Honors Performance Series in Sydney, Australia, and I was accepted as a chaperone, so I will be in Sydney for a week in July, which is both exciting and absolutely horrifying.
-We are visiting Josiah's birth family this weekend and are excited to see them all but a little nervous as this will be our first visit since he was born.
- And of course, the big news. We have been chosen to parent a little boy due September 10th. If all goes well, Josiah will have a little brother later this year. It is a wonderful thing filled with excitement and love for this baby boy I've never met, but I am also filled with fear over it, too.
There was probably more, and there are a lot of details left out, but if you need more details than that we can do coffee sometime and make an actual human connection. For now, if you were wondering what was going on or why I hadn't written in a while, this list is the answer to both in a nutshelll. More posts to come soon, as I do believe I'm healing from the sinus infection and can actually concentrate long enough to write a blog post!
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