Grafted: An Adoption Story (The Horrifying Thing I Just Did) and GIVEAWAY

So I wrote a book.
It happened.
It's real.
My name is listed as author on a book selling at Amazon.

That's just nuts.

And horrifying.

In elementary school, I thought I might become a writer.  My favorite past time was daydreaming.  Creating stories, characters and worlds.  I liked writing stories.  I even won a couple of writing contests.  So, I thought maybe that was the way my life was headed.  At least, I knew it was heading more that direction than something math related.

Then I met the clarinet and writing became something I knew I could get a decent grade in and not much else.  Though I wrote stories for fun, it wasn't something I thought of as something I would ever do for other people.

I never thought I would write a personal story.  I never thought I would expose myself, my feelings, such detail of the best and worst moments of my life.  Yet here I am. 

Grafted: An Adoption Story was written at first so I could process everything that happened and have a record to share with our sons.  Then, when the page count passed 100, with a little poking from friends, a book it became. 

It shares in detail the joys, the complications and the heartbreak of our adoption stories.  It captures the moments when I have been at my happiest and the hardest times of my life.  It's highly personal and honest.  It doesn't gloss over the bad and it doesn't glorify the good.  It just is.  It's what happened.  It's the story of how our family was brought together through a grafting of sorts.

If you are interested in purchasing it, you can find it on amazon as a kindle or paperback purchase (paperback is printed per order, so is not two here in two days, but it looks like a 3-5 business day turnaround).

If you are interested in reading this very scary thing I did but don't want to invest the $7.99 it would take to get the kindle, I'm doing a kindle version giveaway!  Just comment on this blog post by Tuesday, July 9 at 8:30 PM and a random number drawing will give us the winner!  I will send the kindle version to your email address.  If you don't have a kindle, you can also read it on your phone. 
NOTE: Comment ON THIS BLOG POST.  Facebook or Instagram comments will not be included in the drawing!

Thank you for all of you who supported us through getting our boys and for those who supported the writing of this book.  Thank you for those who have already purchased it! 

The Changes

A lot has changed in my life over the past 12 months.  

We lost a child.  At the hospital.  Without getting to see him.  

I had to explain to his older brother than we weren't bringing home the little brother we had prayed for.

I had to explain to well meaning people that no, it wasn't "for the best", that it was devastating and like a death.  

We lost thousands of dollars to that situation and the relationship with our sons birth mother is now altered forever, even though we have forgiven her. 

I traveled the world, from Austin, Texas to Sydney, Australia. 

I lost my job of 9 years. 

I lost one of my 12 year old dogs.

My dear friend moved hundreds of miles away.'

I deleted Facebook because I just needed a break from social media. 

I was sick more than I was well.  I cycled between colds, stomach bugs and other ailments all year long.  I was eating healthy and exercising but my body was handling the stress about as well as I was.

And in a whirlwind of insane events, we were able to bring home a son, Levi Benjamin, born October 7th.  

That story, in short, was a miracle.  There is no way this little boy would be ours without God on our side.

I spent an entire month in Nevada.  Two weeks before he was born and two weeks after.  Before, the smoke from close fires had me so sick I had scabs in my nose and I woke up with pink eye.  Oh, and I got food poisoning!  

However, as always, many blessings also took place.

First, we spent a magical day with Josiah as his "final singleton day", about a week early.  He played in a hands on museum all day and we never had to tell him "no" to anything as he ran around.  For lunch that day we took him to a fancy doughnut shop.  

I spent a week with my sister and her family.

Levi had the potential to have many medical emergencies at birth and has done exceedingly well, surpassing what was expected of him.  And, he's super cute.  So, we don't have to worry about Josiah getting all of the attention as they get older.  We have the most handsome boys... in my completely unbiased opinion.

Though Levi's birthmother left the hospital before signing, and skipped the state when she was legally supposed to sign relinquishment papers, she did eventually sign.  So while about 48 hours of our lives were basically nerves and fear of losing our newborn son, she did eventually sign.  Most importantly, we know she wanted to sign and we know she had good reasons to make this decision.  We got to meet her in person for just a few minutes the day after Levi was born.  We brought her flowers, she gave him his middle name (which was perfect), we cried and hugged and left.

We stayed at the Ronald McDonald House.  Guys, this was the best thing ever.  Free food, free laundry, pretty much anything you could need provided, a private room, a play room for Josiah, and only $10 a night.  Best of all, within walking distance to Levi's bedside.

Jim seriously became dad #1 in the world.  Levi struggled with eating his required meal amount with me (I'm a pushover, I guess) so Jim took every single feeding the last three days Levi was in the hospital.  That's right, 24 hours a day, 3 days straight, Jim was with the newborn in the NICU.

I got to fly home with Levi and Josiah and it was such fun.  I seriously love traveling with kids.  It's a bit more daunting than by yourself, but Josiah travels so well (from doing it so often this year!) and Levi is at the perfect "sleep through anything" stage.  

My parents drove all the way to Elko, Nevada to help me with Josiah when I got sick.  They spent a few days with us in Reno, too.  I have never felt so close to my parents and they have been nothing but the perfect grandparents and parents, helping with gas as we drove back to Reno, giving me lots of encouragement and hugs and since we've been home, taking the boys so I can run on the mornings I just can't get out of the house at 4 AM.

We had such a kind and warm welcome upon our return.  Someone even brought us a meal!  That has never happened to me before!  People have been so kind, generous and full of love for our family and we are forever grateful.  

I feel as though I just got off the biggest roller coaster ever.  Have you ever gotten off of a ride or boat and felt like you couldn't walk yet?  That's where I'm at.  I am not sure what to do with this new normal after such a turbulent year.  Trying to settling into motherhood with two, which isn't as hard as I thought it would be, but also trying to calm down again. 

Thank you for following our journey, more posts to come.  

This Is Going To Be Awkward.

It's been quite the year.

I know those who follow along on this blog want to know what transpired a couple of weeks ago.  As much as I value being open and honest, all I can tell you is we were asked to come to Josiah's birth state, we were treated rather poorly by all parties involved, and then we were asked to leave without the baby brother we were expecting.  Words can't describe the heartbreak, the fear, the confusion.

However, as much as I would love to vent all of the details and share all of the ways we were wronged, we have to remember that Josiah's birth mother is a woman made in God's image.  Sharing our story without her input puts her in a very bad light, and as much as she has hurt us, we will continue to love her because that is what we are called to do.  Above that, our son deserves that privacy.

If you were to ask me in person right now how I was doing I would smile and say "I'm okay".  I would most likely change the subject, and do everything I could to not make our interaction awkward.  Conversations come to screeching halt with me around these days.

Case in point:
At a bridal shower not long ago, while I was genuinely celebrating the bride and enjoying the company, I couldn't get through a conversation without some hard truths coming out.
"How are your dogs?" Someone asked.  I couldn't in good conscience answer "oh, fine," when one had died just hours before.
"How is the adoption going?" only days after the first time things got really rocky.

Even today, sitting at the park, someone who knows we adopted but doesn't know me personally wanted to know more about our current adoption.  Sorry if she wanted a long conversation with an excited expectant mother, because she couldn't have moved to another bench fast enough when I told her "yeah, he was born last week and she chose to parent.  So, nope, no sibling yet."

2017 was hard because it was a year of waiting and no motion, which is something a do-er and planner like me struggles with.

But 2018?  It's the year my closest local friend officially moved away.  It's the year I lost the job I loved and that connected me to this community.  It's the year I became a stay at home mom when I wasn't ready, but the year I can't take a new job because I can't take an unexpected maternity leave a week in and I have hope that something HAS to happen eventually.  It's the year we had an adoption opportunity fall through in the spring.  It's the year we got chosen for an adoption I didn't feel good about but no one, including the adoption professionals, cared about my concerns until it was too late.  It's the year my dog of 12 years died.  It's the year I went to Australia (which is mostly a good thing, and I am blessed to have an amazingly talented student that gave me the opportunity and I met many great kids) but the organization we traveled with was absolutely horrible.  It's the year we were taken advantage of.  It's the year we spent two days in a hospital waiting room praying for a baby we'll never get to hold.

It's the year I have felt the most lonely.  I don't blame anyone.  We've had lovely notes of encouragement and love and hugs without words and so many sweet things.  I get it that no one really knows what to say.  I don't know what anyone should say, either.  I understand that lives will move on, with or without me moving forward, too.  I recognize that I will never be the kind of person with the kind of friendships I wish I had during this season of life.  We have plenty of friends cheering for us and there are some who have done what they could to check in, for which I am extremely grateful.

I guess the point of this post, if there can be one, is it's been a rough time around here.  We're heartbroken, I'm physically tired from the emotional onslaught.  But we have to move on with hope.  God doesn't promise another child in our lives.  He doesn't promise things will get better.  But we trust Him anyway.

Our Weekend And A Book Review

Pretty much everyone I have seen in the past week has the same tentative question.

"...So... how did it go this weekend?"

and pretty much every time I've responded with the same tentative answer.

"...As good as it could have gone?"

So instead of leaving everyone who isn't comfortable asking questions about our weekend without answers, here is what I can tell you.  We went to Michigan to spend time with Josiah's birth mother and some of his biological family (she also happens to be the birth mother to our potential second son, due in September).

Josiah, as usual, charmed everyone we were in contact with.  We spent about 4 hours both Friday and Saturday with his family.  There wasn't any awkwardness, at least that we could tell, from any parties.  They commented on how he looks like her, mentioned how well behaved and soft spoken he was, and he called them each by name.  I didn't feel awkward to be around her and she seemed pleased to see us.

So, as a visit of this nature would go, it went very smoothly.

However, as a visit of a potential adoption situation, it was scary and uncomfortable.  We met with lawyers for her and for us and of course one had to point out that she had dealt with situations where birth mothers changed their mind the second time even though she had chosen the same family.  Thanks, lady.

As is always the case, there were things that simply made us (read:me) feel uncertain and concerned about the future.  I want to believe that this is coming true but the back of my mind, the pit of my stomach and somewhere in my heart are holding out on excitement and instead filled with lead.  If this goes well (and I say this not as a hopeful adoptive parent thinking "well" means I get a child at the end of the day, I say this as someone who knows the situation and knows that it will be better for the baby and his brother), it will be an amazing dream come true.  If this doesn't go well, we will not only face a more difficult relationship with our son's mother moving forward (one that regardless, I will still maintain, at least at a basic level, for the sake of my son) it will also put a temporary or permanent hold on our dreams to adopt again... we don't get money back that we are paying to lawyers or for living expenses.  With this money leaving and not enough coming in, it will be a while before our savings is up to par again.  And to be blunt... I don't think I can be in this season much longer, so that would probably mean we are done.

So.  It went as well as it could have.  I was happy to see her.  I got to touch the belly that holds my potential future son.  We even discussed names with her.  I'm glad she got to see him and I'm glad Josiah will have pictures of this weekend to remember it by.

But prayers, as usual, are always appreciated.  That this adoption decision is legitimate and that she is dedicated to it.  That we know the words to say to encourage her and love her despite my fears.


*******

Speaking of my fears, over Easter break, my sister-in-law, Lezlie, handed me a book she recommend I read.  She said she thought of me a lot when she was reading it.  I read it in one Josiah nap time because it was SO. GOOD.

The Lucky Few by Heather Avis.

Heather and her husband go through their infertility journey and land on adoption.  As they are waiting they are given the opportunity to adopt a child with Down Syndrome.  Throughout the course of the book and of their lives, they adopt three children in total, two with Down Syndrome-- not something she had initially signed on for.

We were already pretty open in our preferences adoption-wise but after I read this book, we called and made ourselves "wide open"--allowing for drugs we had held off on.  It was only a couple of weeks later that Josiah's birth mother called.  I was so moved by Heather's faith that God was good and in control.  I also felt a twinge of recognition when she spoke about trying to funnel God's power through her filter.

If you are at all interested in what infertility, adoption, or having a child with Down Syndrome can feel like in the beginning, I highly recommend this book.  It does tie everything up in a nice bow towards the end that I wish she hadn't but at least the first little while, it seems to detail well.  As my sister-in-law would probably agree, she didn't dive too much into Down Syndrome and only touched on the first few things to worry about and didn't really continue into the daily struggles with health for children with weakened immune systems.  In the same way, she didn't really go into the things that we will have to deal with as our adopted children get older, such as identity and keeping up with birth family.

In any case, I thought it was a great read and I highly recommend it.

I bring it up in this particular post more for my own sake than anything else.  I am needed to be reminded constantly, almost minute by minute that God is both good and in control.  There are times when I know God is good, but I worry about what He's going to do.  And worse, when I know He's going to move but I don't necessarily believe He is good.

God is both good and in control.  No matter what happens in the coming months, this is true.  If Josiah ends up an only child, this is no less true than if he becomes a brother.

God is good.  Even when I'm not.

God is in control.  All the time.

A Good Bye

Almost 9 years ago I walked nervously into the local music store to introduce myself.  I was hoping to establish myself as a private woodwinds instructor in our new town and I knew a relationship with the local music store was a must.
The owner enthusiastically welcomed us to Ogallala.  He apologized that he couldn't walk us over to the Chamber of Commerce to get a welcome packet, because the Chamber was closed that day.  I gave my contact information and as I was about leave he asked if I wanted to hear an oboe poem.  It wasn't a very flattering poem for us oboists, but I laughed regardless.
I was looking for a part time "day job".  I had visions of a full lesson schedule and volunteering with a job that just magically let me do both as well as have the same times off as my husband.  The pickings were slim.
Then, I received an email.  "We are looking for a part time bookkeeper," it read "we were wondering if you might be interested."  It was signed by Bob, Lou Kraus Music.

The next Monday I walked in at 9 AM as an employee of Lou Kraus Music, Inc.

I started the job without even asking what my pay would be.  I was just excited to be in my field.  I was excited to learn more about other parts of the music industry-- because it turns out, not everyone is a classically trained woodwind player.  I was excited to be in a business of literally 5 people, including the high school help.  It very quickly became "my store".

At first, people would call and ask for Bob or Luis and would almost refuse to even leave messages with me.  Soon, however, there were people who would call and ask for me specifically.  I painted many walls in that building, rearranged guitars and instruments and organized the office multiple times.  I talked Bob into going along with my hair brained ideas, like a reverse recital for teachers to perform for their students, helping as I started a jazz band in town and other random ideas.  I took over the window display and sheet music and was the only one excited about inventory day.

The store became somewhat of a family.  Christmas parties were held at our homes.  When we brought Josiah home, Bob and Shannon were the first to come see him (and they brought Mi Ranchito).  Josiah visited Uncle Bob and Uncle Luis at least once every week.  He has been changed on a guitar repair bench, he knows the name of instruments most kids wouldn't.  He has played a gong, a trap set, a piano, a guitar, a ukulele and whatever else we would let him touch at the store.

And now it's time to say goodbye.  The music store has been sold, the store front closing it's doors in less than a month.  While music is still alive and well in Ogallala and Bob will continue to be a local music guy, my little corner of the music store office desk will be emptied.  The pictures of my family are taken down, the fake rose I bought for a window display is already packed away at home.

It's an odd sensation, closing a chapter of life.  Nostalgia mixed with sadness and uncertainty of the future.  I may have only been there a couple of days a week, but this was part of what I called home.

I'll continue doing lessons and supporting our local music kids with the music boosters.  I'll keep playing at church and in different groups around town.  I'll stay at home with my kids (someday potentially soon it will be plural!) and everything will be fine.  A new normal will be created.  Driving downtown will be a bit different.  Things will shift.  But they'll be okay.  Change is not only inevitable but in the end, necessary.

Until my last day sitting at my burgundy office chair next to the bookshelf where I have been collecting the stickers from the tops of my chai lattes for the past couple of years, I will still be at the shop Monday and will be hosting one final solo night, on Tuesday, May 22, at 6:30.  I'll play one more clarinet solo surrounded by the music gear I've personally dusted a hundred times.  I'll applaud the performances of those people I would not have known had it not been for this job.

Good bye is never easy.  In fact, I'm broken hearted.  But I wish my store family the best and hope that Uncle Luis and Uncle Bob and Aunt Shannon will be in my children's lives as role models and music family.

Lots of News

I'm going to start this post off right away with complete and total honesty.  The past year has been rough.  The highs have been incredibly high and the lows have been incredibly low and emotionally I have felt tossed around like a boat thrown into a hurricane.  I don't like to sound dramatic, but this has been the truth in my life. 

A lot has happened.  There are a lot of details and reasoning that I could add to make people understand why it's been an overwhelming year, but I think I'll just do a bullet point list of the things that have happened.

-We joined an adoption agency well over a year ago that to this day I'm not sure I trust.

-After reading "The Lucky Few" by Heather Avis, Jim and I prayed a lot and opened up our preferences even further to allow for all drug usage, etc.  It was a pretty big deal.

-I trained for and ran a 50K with Danielle, and falling in love with running again has been a slow, painful process.

-The court case regarding Josiah's finalization (he IS finalized, but the court case we were involved in) is ongoing and is a constant source of surprise stress because we keep thinking it's finally over then receive an email.

- I caught a cold that turned into the worst sinus infection of my life.  I'm 10 weeks in and I might finally be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?  I've been functioning at maybe 85% for the past few weeks, and much lower than that before.

-We had some difficulties with Josiah's birth family, and I stuck a big foot in my mouth, and probably caused the most crying in my life and my first ever panic attack.

-We had an adoption situation fall through.  It was like a death.  

-The music store is closing it's retail doors in less than a month so I'm saying goodbye to 9 years of my life.  It's been hard to know goodbye is coming.

-Gray, one of our little dogs, officially went blind and is becoming harder and harder to care for.  It's sad, because he really is such a sweet dog.

-My dad is still cancer free, which is awesome news. 

-My little boy is amazing every. single. day.  It is seriously a joy and honor to be called a mother.

-Jim and I are almost half way through our 11th year of marriage and it certainly doesn't seem that long.

-One of my students was accepted into the Honors Performance Series in Sydney, Australia, and I was accepted as a chaperone, so I will be in Sydney for a week in July, which is both exciting and absolutely horrifying.

-We are visiting Josiah's birth family this weekend and are excited to see them all but a little nervous as this will be our first visit since he was born. 

- And of course, the big news.  We have been chosen to parent a little boy due September 10th.  If all goes well, Josiah will have a little brother later this year.  It is a wonderful thing filled with excitement and love for this baby boy I've never met, but I am also filled with fear over it, too.  

There was probably more, and there are a lot of details left out, but if you need more details than that we can do coffee sometime and make an actual human connection.  For now, if you were wondering what was going on or why I hadn't written in a while, this list is the answer to both in a nutshelll.  More posts to come soon, as I do believe I'm healing from the sinus infection and can actually concentrate long enough to write a blog post!  

The Suitcase

Tonight I unpack the suitcase.
The neatly folded clothes
go into neat little rows
in the drawer, where they belong.

They haven't been used.
No sand or dirt from some fancy vacation
no little stubs from a local train station
They just expectantly sat in our bag.

We thought we would be welcoming a new little life
So we prepared and we waited.
And the birth family... hesitated.
So we prayed and we were patient.

The wait was long and the fear was real
and then we knew the decision was no.
So I put clothes away, I've no where to go.
Now here I sit, with my unpacked suitcase.