I Was The Only One

I have two older half siblings that were out of the house before I was born.  This means that I was raised as an only child, basically.  I also grew up with older parents on a llama farm outside of town, which further removed me from society... society my age, at least.

Being an only child, like any upbringing, had it's advantages and disadvantages.  I can say that having to entertain myself a majority of the time meant I practiced my instruments more and used my imagination almost constantly.  I acted more like an adult from a young age because it was all I knew-- from the first painfully awkward handshake and "howdy" I gave fellow students in preschool to discussing our financial future with my boyfriend-now-husband.  I also can now comfortably sit at home alone in silence without feeling lonely or uncomfortable.  And, being the only child meant I had my parents full and undivided attention in every way-- they attended every concert, drove me to every event, bought me everything I could need and most of the things I ever wanted.  In a word, I was spoiled.

The disadvantages change with time.  I longed for a little sister as I grew up.  Someone to love, some to protect, someone to play with on the days I didn't feel like making up another story.  And while my mom and I always got along, I think I used picking fights with her to fill the void of sibling rivalry.  It was sometimes lonely to be the only one to play with.  And not knowing how to act around other kids only created more of a gap between me and my peers.  While I grew up with friends, I longed for that best friend that loved me as much as I loved them, but never quite reached it. 

I grew out of longing for a sister early enough.  My parents were older when they had me, so the realist in me knew there was no possibility of a sibling.  So as I got older, the disadvantages to only childhood changed.  As my sisters-in-law got married, each with their sisters at their side, I was hit with a feeling of being an outsider... not a member of the sisters club.  Sometimes, when friends fade away or move on, I wish I had that sibling connection of someone who grew up with me to lean on. 

Again, I was a spoiled girl with a great relationship with my parents and a fantastic life.  So I contemplate these things for a very different reason.

If this adoption is completed come February and we bring home a son, there is a very good chance he will grow up an only child.  It wasn't something I had really considered much in my naivety, when I planned for 2 or 3 children and had them spaced the way I'd like and had the genders that I'd like in the right order.  The luxury of our daydreaming never considered the expense of our first (and potentially only) adoption putting the possibility of more children at risk.

But the reality is we can't do this again for a very long time, and when we have a son in our home I'm not sure I would want to put all of our resources towards this goal again when we would like to have some set aside for him and his future goals.  It's a sad reality that Jim and I have both had to face.  Jim has never questioned having multiple children in our home, that has always been his plan. 

I wonder if my child will appreciate being the one and only.  I wonder if he will be shy and awkward like I have been or if we will manage to socialize him enough.  I wonder if he will long for a little brother or sister to play with, or if he will feel lonely.  I wonder if feeling lonely will accentuate to him that he was adopted and further upset him.

Of course, this is coming from a woman who isn't even a mom yet.  I have no idea who my son will be and I don't want to project my feelings onto him.  But I wonder, and maybe do a bit of worrying.  I would hate if the fact that we can't have a baby and can't afford a second one was a point of pain in his life.