I don't know how long people will find my little corner of the internet entertaining to read, now that the major prayer has been answered and our Disney-like minds want it all to simply be a happy-ever-after from now on. I don't know if my audience, which has grown in recent months as I have shared in the difficulties and the joys that we had in bringing home our son, will remain constant or dwindle with the lack of excitement in our lives. So before I lose some of you to more entertaining stories, I wanted to ask you all to read one final post, if you would. For the record, I'm not kicking you out, keep on reading as long as you want, I'll keep being honest and sharing whatever comes to mind.
Josiah Samuel is my son. I held him moments after his birth, cradled under my shirt with his bare chest against mine. I fell asleep to the sound of his rapid heart beat on the monitor only an hour before he was falling asleep to the security of mine. He has taken my heart and expanded it and I'm grateful every second that he is mine.
I am grateful that I get to raise my son in this small community with people who have been so supportive of his start in life and who have cheered for his presence in our world. I am grateful for the quality of people my son will grow up around in both talent and character. I am grateful that my son will have the influence of these people as he discovers who he is and who he is meant to become.
However, no matter where my son is raised, his unique start to life will always have the potential for miscommunication and lack of understanding and I want to do what I can to give my son the best upbringing possible. In our reading about adoption one of the common problems adopted individuals have brought up is the comments and questions by people who don't realize the damage of their words. Because of this, I want to share with our friends and family some things that these people who have been through it would rather have not heard or dealt with. It is my hope that my son has few instances where he has to deal with these. It may sound pushy of me and you might be thinking I'm "that mom", but if you would simply read the following, I would be grateful.
-Please don't talk about my son's "real" parents. Setting aside the sting Jim and I might feel (we are "real" parents, too), imagine for a minute that as a five year old you hear someone ask your mom about your "real" parents and how confusing that might be. Or imagine being asked about "real" family members as you grow up, and having to differentiate and decide how "real" your family is. We are his "real" family, just as his biological family is also his "real" family. It's already confusing without being asked about it.
-Please don't tell him he's lucky, fortunate, or blessed to be with us. We are blessed to have him as our son. He shouldn't have to be grateful for how his life started anymore than any other child. None of us choose our parents before we are born. He should be just as grateful as any other child but not any more because he came into our home differently.
-Please don't share what you know of his past. Some are privy to more information than others, but it is his past and his story. Let him tell his story and if he has questions about it, tell him to come to us, we will always be open with him. We are planning on sharing his story with him, and do already reference S when we oo and aw over him. However, there are aspects that aren't appropriate for different ages and we don't want him to think we were hiding something because someone brings it to him before us.
-Please don't ignore his adoption. It is a part of his life. He is our son, but he is also the son of someone else. I don't expect you to bring it up, but if he wants to talk about it, I would be so grateful to know that he has some listening ears to validate his feelings and encourage him.
-Please teach your children about adoption. Teach them that their words can hurt. A few common, thoughtless comments are "your birth mom didn't want you", "your birth mom was a bad person", "you don't look like your parents, you're weird" or simply joking about being adopted, as though it is a bad thing (many siblings joke that one or the other is adopted). These little comments can last a lifetime, just like when we were growing up. I remember being called fat, ugly, and weird on the playground and those comments from elementary school shaped my view of myself to this day. I couldn't imagine questioning my identity because someone told me I was unwanted or came from a "bad" family... and neither of these things are accurate, anyway.
I believe that every person who touches my sons life will impact him in some way. As I said, I feel blessed that the quality of people he will be raised around is so high. Will you, my community, help my son have a great childhood, just like the childhoods I've witnessed so far here?
No comments:
Post a Comment