For the past few weeks I have been working on a post about all of the changes that have happened in my life since we started the adoption process a few years ago. From my beliefs to my schedule, almost nothing in my life has remained completely the same. I have been reflecting on these changes a lot as I watch Josiah change from day to day, and how I seem to be changing as much as he is.
However, with as many changes as I have noticed and being restricted to only writing at nap times, the post got longer and longer and more confusing. So I decided to write a little mini series.
I thought I would start with perhaps the most obvious change and the one I would guess many women can relate to-- the change in schedule.
Until about three days in at my job at the music store, I firmly believed that I would someday be a stay at home mother. My mother, aunts and mother-in-law were all (for the most part) stay at home mothers and I simply thought I would follow suit. Not having any lofty (or any at all, to be honest) career goals, it was the obvious future.
Then I loved the music store. I love what I do here, I love the connections I've made through being here, I love the opportunities that I have because of this store. I love making window displays, I love meeting band directors, I love that I joined the arts council board, created a jazz band and started solo night because I work here. Even though I'm only a part time bookkeeper, I feel like I'm making a difference here and it's where I should be.
I wasn't sure how I would feel after becoming a mom. Since I loved my job I assumed I would come back at the normal schedule. At two and a half weeks old, Josiah came with me for an hour because I couldn't just sit in the house anymore and I did an hour of book work at the shop.
Yet...
Maybe this will sound ridiculous to those full time working mothers, or those people I know who have twelve jobs, five clubs and coach soccer, but even at just three days a week here, I started to feel overwhelmed. Torn in two. When I was at home all the time I wanted to be back in the world but now that I'm back all I want is to be home. I felt like I wasn't my best at home or elsewhere. I felt like things were slipping through the cracks that I used to be so on top of. I was stressing out all the time and felt like such a failure every single day.
Thanks to a conversation and well timed post by a friend, I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to make a change. I prayed about what to change and how, I talked to my husband (who knew how stressed I had become because, unfortunately, he was the one standing beside me when my lid would pop off so he got most of my steam) and decided to cut back.
I decided to resign from the arts council board, drop out of the jazz band, make major restrictions to when I give lessons and the hardest decision-- I asked my boss to let me drop down to two days a week.
As someone who has always tried to have a simple, minimal life, I realized I was too involved for where I'm at right now. I'm a huge believer in being involved to improve the community, but I also saw how quickly Josiah is growing. I fought long and hard for that kid and I don't want to waste time being away from him.
I just recently made these changes and this is musical week so I'm busier than ever until next Monday night, but I feel good about them. I feel as though I have made the best decisions for my family and I at this point.
I chose to eliminate those organizations that were causing me stress or that I felt I wasn't contributing enough too. I am proud to have been involved in them, but it was time for me to step aside and I feel a weight lifted that I didn't realize was so heavy until it was gone. I have felt like my schedule was a constantly shifting jig saw puzzle for months and it's nice to see fewer pieces.
I am so glad to have remained active in the groups that I have, and I'm grateful for the new schedule at the shop. I love having two days a week to get a bit of a break from being at home, letting grandma and grandson have some time to bond (and for Josiah to bond with someone other than me), and still feel like I'm contributing at the store and in the community. But I am also so glad to have that extra day off with no lessons, no meetings, no work, to simply be the mom of my little boy all day.
Maybe this proves that I can't handle a lot. Maybe it proves that I'm not as good at multitasking or as capable as I once thought. In any case, I am more at peace than I have been in months and I look forward to the end of musical season (don't get me wrong, I LOVE musical season, so I'm definitely enjoying it as well), and the cleaner schedule I will have then.
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