Grafted: An Adoption Story (The Horrifying Thing I Just Did) and GIVEAWAY

So I wrote a book.
It happened.
It's real.
My name is listed as author on a book selling at Amazon.

That's just nuts.

And horrifying.

In elementary school, I thought I might become a writer.  My favorite past time was daydreaming.  Creating stories, characters and worlds.  I liked writing stories.  I even won a couple of writing contests.  So, I thought maybe that was the way my life was headed.  At least, I knew it was heading more that direction than something math related.

Then I met the clarinet and writing became something I knew I could get a decent grade in and not much else.  Though I wrote stories for fun, it wasn't something I thought of as something I would ever do for other people.

I never thought I would write a personal story.  I never thought I would expose myself, my feelings, such detail of the best and worst moments of my life.  Yet here I am. 

Grafted: An Adoption Story was written at first so I could process everything that happened and have a record to share with our sons.  Then, when the page count passed 100, with a little poking from friends, a book it became. 

It shares in detail the joys, the complications and the heartbreak of our adoption stories.  It captures the moments when I have been at my happiest and the hardest times of my life.  It's highly personal and honest.  It doesn't gloss over the bad and it doesn't glorify the good.  It just is.  It's what happened.  It's the story of how our family was brought together through a grafting of sorts.

If you are interested in purchasing it, you can find it on amazon as a kindle or paperback purchase (paperback is printed per order, so is not two here in two days, but it looks like a 3-5 business day turnaround).

If you are interested in reading this very scary thing I did but don't want to invest the $7.99 it would take to get the kindle, I'm doing a kindle version giveaway!  Just comment on this blog post by Tuesday, July 9 at 8:30 PM and a random number drawing will give us the winner!  I will send the kindle version to your email address.  If you don't have a kindle, you can also read it on your phone. 
NOTE: Comment ON THIS BLOG POST.  Facebook or Instagram comments will not be included in the drawing!

Thank you for all of you who supported us through getting our boys and for those who supported the writing of this book.  Thank you for those who have already purchased it! 

The Changes

A lot has changed in my life over the past 12 months.  

We lost a child.  At the hospital.  Without getting to see him.  

I had to explain to his older brother than we weren't bringing home the little brother we had prayed for.

I had to explain to well meaning people that no, it wasn't "for the best", that it was devastating and like a death.  

We lost thousands of dollars to that situation and the relationship with our sons birth mother is now altered forever, even though we have forgiven her. 

I traveled the world, from Austin, Texas to Sydney, Australia. 

I lost my job of 9 years. 

I lost one of my 12 year old dogs.

My dear friend moved hundreds of miles away.'

I deleted Facebook because I just needed a break from social media. 

I was sick more than I was well.  I cycled between colds, stomach bugs and other ailments all year long.  I was eating healthy and exercising but my body was handling the stress about as well as I was.

And in a whirlwind of insane events, we were able to bring home a son, Levi Benjamin, born October 7th.  

That story, in short, was a miracle.  There is no way this little boy would be ours without God on our side.

I spent an entire month in Nevada.  Two weeks before he was born and two weeks after.  Before, the smoke from close fires had me so sick I had scabs in my nose and I woke up with pink eye.  Oh, and I got food poisoning!  

However, as always, many blessings also took place.

First, we spent a magical day with Josiah as his "final singleton day", about a week early.  He played in a hands on museum all day and we never had to tell him "no" to anything as he ran around.  For lunch that day we took him to a fancy doughnut shop.  

I spent a week with my sister and her family.

Levi had the potential to have many medical emergencies at birth and has done exceedingly well, surpassing what was expected of him.  And, he's super cute.  So, we don't have to worry about Josiah getting all of the attention as they get older.  We have the most handsome boys... in my completely unbiased opinion.

Though Levi's birthmother left the hospital before signing, and skipped the state when she was legally supposed to sign relinquishment papers, she did eventually sign.  So while about 48 hours of our lives were basically nerves and fear of losing our newborn son, she did eventually sign.  Most importantly, we know she wanted to sign and we know she had good reasons to make this decision.  We got to meet her in person for just a few minutes the day after Levi was born.  We brought her flowers, she gave him his middle name (which was perfect), we cried and hugged and left.

We stayed at the Ronald McDonald House.  Guys, this was the best thing ever.  Free food, free laundry, pretty much anything you could need provided, a private room, a play room for Josiah, and only $10 a night.  Best of all, within walking distance to Levi's bedside.

Jim seriously became dad #1 in the world.  Levi struggled with eating his required meal amount with me (I'm a pushover, I guess) so Jim took every single feeding the last three days Levi was in the hospital.  That's right, 24 hours a day, 3 days straight, Jim was with the newborn in the NICU.

I got to fly home with Levi and Josiah and it was such fun.  I seriously love traveling with kids.  It's a bit more daunting than by yourself, but Josiah travels so well (from doing it so often this year!) and Levi is at the perfect "sleep through anything" stage.  

My parents drove all the way to Elko, Nevada to help me with Josiah when I got sick.  They spent a few days with us in Reno, too.  I have never felt so close to my parents and they have been nothing but the perfect grandparents and parents, helping with gas as we drove back to Reno, giving me lots of encouragement and hugs and since we've been home, taking the boys so I can run on the mornings I just can't get out of the house at 4 AM.

We had such a kind and warm welcome upon our return.  Someone even brought us a meal!  That has never happened to me before!  People have been so kind, generous and full of love for our family and we are forever grateful.  

I feel as though I just got off the biggest roller coaster ever.  Have you ever gotten off of a ride or boat and felt like you couldn't walk yet?  That's where I'm at.  I am not sure what to do with this new normal after such a turbulent year.  Trying to settling into motherhood with two, which isn't as hard as I thought it would be, but also trying to calm down again. 

Thank you for following our journey, more posts to come.  

This Is Going To Be Awkward.

It's been quite the year.

I know those who follow along on this blog want to know what transpired a couple of weeks ago.  As much as I value being open and honest, all I can tell you is we were asked to come to Josiah's birth state, we were treated rather poorly by all parties involved, and then we were asked to leave without the baby brother we were expecting.  Words can't describe the heartbreak, the fear, the confusion.

However, as much as I would love to vent all of the details and share all of the ways we were wronged, we have to remember that Josiah's birth mother is a woman made in God's image.  Sharing our story without her input puts her in a very bad light, and as much as she has hurt us, we will continue to love her because that is what we are called to do.  Above that, our son deserves that privacy.

If you were to ask me in person right now how I was doing I would smile and say "I'm okay".  I would most likely change the subject, and do everything I could to not make our interaction awkward.  Conversations come to screeching halt with me around these days.

Case in point:
At a bridal shower not long ago, while I was genuinely celebrating the bride and enjoying the company, I couldn't get through a conversation without some hard truths coming out.
"How are your dogs?" Someone asked.  I couldn't in good conscience answer "oh, fine," when one had died just hours before.
"How is the adoption going?" only days after the first time things got really rocky.

Even today, sitting at the park, someone who knows we adopted but doesn't know me personally wanted to know more about our current adoption.  Sorry if she wanted a long conversation with an excited expectant mother, because she couldn't have moved to another bench fast enough when I told her "yeah, he was born last week and she chose to parent.  So, nope, no sibling yet."

2017 was hard because it was a year of waiting and no motion, which is something a do-er and planner like me struggles with.

But 2018?  It's the year my closest local friend officially moved away.  It's the year I lost the job I loved and that connected me to this community.  It's the year I became a stay at home mom when I wasn't ready, but the year I can't take a new job because I can't take an unexpected maternity leave a week in and I have hope that something HAS to happen eventually.  It's the year we had an adoption opportunity fall through in the spring.  It's the year we got chosen for an adoption I didn't feel good about but no one, including the adoption professionals, cared about my concerns until it was too late.  It's the year my dog of 12 years died.  It's the year I went to Australia (which is mostly a good thing, and I am blessed to have an amazingly talented student that gave me the opportunity and I met many great kids) but the organization we traveled with was absolutely horrible.  It's the year we were taken advantage of.  It's the year we spent two days in a hospital waiting room praying for a baby we'll never get to hold.

It's the year I have felt the most lonely.  I don't blame anyone.  We've had lovely notes of encouragement and love and hugs without words and so many sweet things.  I get it that no one really knows what to say.  I don't know what anyone should say, either.  I understand that lives will move on, with or without me moving forward, too.  I recognize that I will never be the kind of person with the kind of friendships I wish I had during this season of life.  We have plenty of friends cheering for us and there are some who have done what they could to check in, for which I am extremely grateful.

I guess the point of this post, if there can be one, is it's been a rough time around here.  We're heartbroken, I'm physically tired from the emotional onslaught.  But we have to move on with hope.  God doesn't promise another child in our lives.  He doesn't promise things will get better.  But we trust Him anyway.

Our Weekend And A Book Review

Pretty much everyone I have seen in the past week has the same tentative question.

"...So... how did it go this weekend?"

and pretty much every time I've responded with the same tentative answer.

"...As good as it could have gone?"

So instead of leaving everyone who isn't comfortable asking questions about our weekend without answers, here is what I can tell you.  We went to Michigan to spend time with Josiah's birth mother and some of his biological family (she also happens to be the birth mother to our potential second son, due in September).

Josiah, as usual, charmed everyone we were in contact with.  We spent about 4 hours both Friday and Saturday with his family.  There wasn't any awkwardness, at least that we could tell, from any parties.  They commented on how he looks like her, mentioned how well behaved and soft spoken he was, and he called them each by name.  I didn't feel awkward to be around her and she seemed pleased to see us.

So, as a visit of this nature would go, it went very smoothly.

However, as a visit of a potential adoption situation, it was scary and uncomfortable.  We met with lawyers for her and for us and of course one had to point out that she had dealt with situations where birth mothers changed their mind the second time even though she had chosen the same family.  Thanks, lady.

As is always the case, there were things that simply made us (read:me) feel uncertain and concerned about the future.  I want to believe that this is coming true but the back of my mind, the pit of my stomach and somewhere in my heart are holding out on excitement and instead filled with lead.  If this goes well (and I say this not as a hopeful adoptive parent thinking "well" means I get a child at the end of the day, I say this as someone who knows the situation and knows that it will be better for the baby and his brother), it will be an amazing dream come true.  If this doesn't go well, we will not only face a more difficult relationship with our son's mother moving forward (one that regardless, I will still maintain, at least at a basic level, for the sake of my son) it will also put a temporary or permanent hold on our dreams to adopt again... we don't get money back that we are paying to lawyers or for living expenses.  With this money leaving and not enough coming in, it will be a while before our savings is up to par again.  And to be blunt... I don't think I can be in this season much longer, so that would probably mean we are done.

So.  It went as well as it could have.  I was happy to see her.  I got to touch the belly that holds my potential future son.  We even discussed names with her.  I'm glad she got to see him and I'm glad Josiah will have pictures of this weekend to remember it by.

But prayers, as usual, are always appreciated.  That this adoption decision is legitimate and that she is dedicated to it.  That we know the words to say to encourage her and love her despite my fears.


*******

Speaking of my fears, over Easter break, my sister-in-law, Lezlie, handed me a book she recommend I read.  She said she thought of me a lot when she was reading it.  I read it in one Josiah nap time because it was SO. GOOD.

The Lucky Few by Heather Avis.

Heather and her husband go through their infertility journey and land on adoption.  As they are waiting they are given the opportunity to adopt a child with Down Syndrome.  Throughout the course of the book and of their lives, they adopt three children in total, two with Down Syndrome-- not something she had initially signed on for.

We were already pretty open in our preferences adoption-wise but after I read this book, we called and made ourselves "wide open"--allowing for drugs we had held off on.  It was only a couple of weeks later that Josiah's birth mother called.  I was so moved by Heather's faith that God was good and in control.  I also felt a twinge of recognition when she spoke about trying to funnel God's power through her filter.

If you are at all interested in what infertility, adoption, or having a child with Down Syndrome can feel like in the beginning, I highly recommend this book.  It does tie everything up in a nice bow towards the end that I wish she hadn't but at least the first little while, it seems to detail well.  As my sister-in-law would probably agree, she didn't dive too much into Down Syndrome and only touched on the first few things to worry about and didn't really continue into the daily struggles with health for children with weakened immune systems.  In the same way, she didn't really go into the things that we will have to deal with as our adopted children get older, such as identity and keeping up with birth family.

In any case, I thought it was a great read and I highly recommend it.

I bring it up in this particular post more for my own sake than anything else.  I am needed to be reminded constantly, almost minute by minute that God is both good and in control.  There are times when I know God is good, but I worry about what He's going to do.  And worse, when I know He's going to move but I don't necessarily believe He is good.

God is both good and in control.  No matter what happens in the coming months, this is true.  If Josiah ends up an only child, this is no less true than if he becomes a brother.

God is good.  Even when I'm not.

God is in control.  All the time.

A Good Bye

Almost 9 years ago I walked nervously into the local music store to introduce myself.  I was hoping to establish myself as a private woodwinds instructor in our new town and I knew a relationship with the local music store was a must.
The owner enthusiastically welcomed us to Ogallala.  He apologized that he couldn't walk us over to the Chamber of Commerce to get a welcome packet, because the Chamber was closed that day.  I gave my contact information and as I was about leave he asked if I wanted to hear an oboe poem.  It wasn't a very flattering poem for us oboists, but I laughed regardless.
I was looking for a part time "day job".  I had visions of a full lesson schedule and volunteering with a job that just magically let me do both as well as have the same times off as my husband.  The pickings were slim.
Then, I received an email.  "We are looking for a part time bookkeeper," it read "we were wondering if you might be interested."  It was signed by Bob, Lou Kraus Music.

The next Monday I walked in at 9 AM as an employee of Lou Kraus Music, Inc.

I started the job without even asking what my pay would be.  I was just excited to be in my field.  I was excited to learn more about other parts of the music industry-- because it turns out, not everyone is a classically trained woodwind player.  I was excited to be in a business of literally 5 people, including the high school help.  It very quickly became "my store".

At first, people would call and ask for Bob or Luis and would almost refuse to even leave messages with me.  Soon, however, there were people who would call and ask for me specifically.  I painted many walls in that building, rearranged guitars and instruments and organized the office multiple times.  I talked Bob into going along with my hair brained ideas, like a reverse recital for teachers to perform for their students, helping as I started a jazz band in town and other random ideas.  I took over the window display and sheet music and was the only one excited about inventory day.

The store became somewhat of a family.  Christmas parties were held at our homes.  When we brought Josiah home, Bob and Shannon were the first to come see him (and they brought Mi Ranchito).  Josiah visited Uncle Bob and Uncle Luis at least once every week.  He has been changed on a guitar repair bench, he knows the name of instruments most kids wouldn't.  He has played a gong, a trap set, a piano, a guitar, a ukulele and whatever else we would let him touch at the store.

And now it's time to say goodbye.  The music store has been sold, the store front closing it's doors in less than a month.  While music is still alive and well in Ogallala and Bob will continue to be a local music guy, my little corner of the music store office desk will be emptied.  The pictures of my family are taken down, the fake rose I bought for a window display is already packed away at home.

It's an odd sensation, closing a chapter of life.  Nostalgia mixed with sadness and uncertainty of the future.  I may have only been there a couple of days a week, but this was part of what I called home.

I'll continue doing lessons and supporting our local music kids with the music boosters.  I'll keep playing at church and in different groups around town.  I'll stay at home with my kids (someday potentially soon it will be plural!) and everything will be fine.  A new normal will be created.  Driving downtown will be a bit different.  Things will shift.  But they'll be okay.  Change is not only inevitable but in the end, necessary.

Until my last day sitting at my burgundy office chair next to the bookshelf where I have been collecting the stickers from the tops of my chai lattes for the past couple of years, I will still be at the shop Monday and will be hosting one final solo night, on Tuesday, May 22, at 6:30.  I'll play one more clarinet solo surrounded by the music gear I've personally dusted a hundred times.  I'll applaud the performances of those people I would not have known had it not been for this job.

Good bye is never easy.  In fact, I'm broken hearted.  But I wish my store family the best and hope that Uncle Luis and Uncle Bob and Aunt Shannon will be in my children's lives as role models and music family.

Lots of News

I'm going to start this post off right away with complete and total honesty.  The past year has been rough.  The highs have been incredibly high and the lows have been incredibly low and emotionally I have felt tossed around like a boat thrown into a hurricane.  I don't like to sound dramatic, but this has been the truth in my life. 

A lot has happened.  There are a lot of details and reasoning that I could add to make people understand why it's been an overwhelming year, but I think I'll just do a bullet point list of the things that have happened.

-We joined an adoption agency well over a year ago that to this day I'm not sure I trust.

-After reading "The Lucky Few" by Heather Avis, Jim and I prayed a lot and opened up our preferences even further to allow for all drug usage, etc.  It was a pretty big deal.

-I trained for and ran a 50K with Danielle, and falling in love with running again has been a slow, painful process.

-The court case regarding Josiah's finalization (he IS finalized, but the court case we were involved in) is ongoing and is a constant source of surprise stress because we keep thinking it's finally over then receive an email.

- I caught a cold that turned into the worst sinus infection of my life.  I'm 10 weeks in and I might finally be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?  I've been functioning at maybe 85% for the past few weeks, and much lower than that before.

-We had some difficulties with Josiah's birth family, and I stuck a big foot in my mouth, and probably caused the most crying in my life and my first ever panic attack.

-We had an adoption situation fall through.  It was like a death.  

-The music store is closing it's retail doors in less than a month so I'm saying goodbye to 9 years of my life.  It's been hard to know goodbye is coming.

-Gray, one of our little dogs, officially went blind and is becoming harder and harder to care for.  It's sad, because he really is such a sweet dog.

-My dad is still cancer free, which is awesome news. 

-My little boy is amazing every. single. day.  It is seriously a joy and honor to be called a mother.

-Jim and I are almost half way through our 11th year of marriage and it certainly doesn't seem that long.

-One of my students was accepted into the Honors Performance Series in Sydney, Australia, and I was accepted as a chaperone, so I will be in Sydney for a week in July, which is both exciting and absolutely horrifying.

-We are visiting Josiah's birth family this weekend and are excited to see them all but a little nervous as this will be our first visit since he was born. 

- And of course, the big news.  We have been chosen to parent a little boy due September 10th.  If all goes well, Josiah will have a little brother later this year.  It is a wonderful thing filled with excitement and love for this baby boy I've never met, but I am also filled with fear over it, too.  

There was probably more, and there are a lot of details left out, but if you need more details than that we can do coffee sometime and make an actual human connection.  For now, if you were wondering what was going on or why I hadn't written in a while, this list is the answer to both in a nutshelll.  More posts to come soon, as I do believe I'm healing from the sinus infection and can actually concentrate long enough to write a blog post!  

The Suitcase

Tonight I unpack the suitcase.
The neatly folded clothes
go into neat little rows
in the drawer, where they belong.

They haven't been used.
No sand or dirt from some fancy vacation
no little stubs from a local train station
They just expectantly sat in our bag.

We thought we would be welcoming a new little life
So we prepared and we waited.
And the birth family... hesitated.
So we prayed and we were patient.

The wait was long and the fear was real
and then we knew the decision was no.
So I put clothes away, I've no where to go.
Now here I sit, with my unpacked suitcase.

Merry, Happy, Sorry

I didn't get a Christmas card sent this year.

Last year, I put my little boy in a Christmas sweater at the end of October, handed him some Christmas lights and took some cute pictures.  Closer to the holiday, I wrangled my entire family, dogs and all, to pose for a family photo. 
In years past I've written letters, sent out updates, sent pictures.

Not this year.

Instead, you get a (late) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year... and an apology.  An apology for not taking the time to share cute pictures of my kid, or letting people know how we are doing.  Those cards and letters are always appreciated when we receive them, and I know there are a few people who have invested in our lives that would like to know how things are. 

The condensed Christmas letter for us is that we are fine. 

Josiah is great.  He knows his ABC's and the lyrics to many different songs.  He speaks clearly and understands quite a few things.  He likes cars, pointing out cars, telling me the color of cars, and playing with toy cars.  He likes running, going to Grandma's house, playing with legos and "toy-yo" (play dough) and wrestling with his buddy, David the German Shepherd.
Jim continues to work as an Electrical Engineer.  We are grateful for his job and the community it has placed us in.  He is still cycling and enjoying the time it gives him with friends when they can get together.
I'm still working two days a week at the music store and giving private lessons a couple of days a week.  I have some amazing students-- from those just starting to audition for honor bands to one traveling to Australia for a prestigious performance.   I enjoy my job.  I am still running and completed my first (and probably only) 50K with Danielle.
My parents live in our little Nebraskan town and we love living near them.  Friday nights we spend with them watching re-runs of Ninja Warrior.  My mom is "grandma daycare" for Josiah which has been awesome.  Josiah has a special adoration for his grandpa.  I love having my parents close.
We still have the three dogs.  Gray, our oldest male, went blind this year, but he is still happy and sweet.
We started with a new adoption agency and nothing has happened.  It has been hard, watching pregnancies and births and other adoptions while we rely on the system for Josiah's sibling-- even as joyful as those events have been.  It's all in God's timing but that doesn't make the wait any less painful. 
My running partner of the past few years, one of the few people Josiah calls "Aunt" and one of the few people who has been consistently and intentionally involved in Josiah's life and my life, moved to Texas.  I don't make close friends easily, being as awkward as I am, so it was hard to see her go. 
A few other things, the details of which aren't something I feel the need to share with anyone, also made this past year a hard one.
And so I don't end this post on a downer, our biggest events of the year started with a little leak in the back of our fridge.  We are now walking on a beautiful new floor and enjoying brand new kitchen appliances.  Sometimes soggy floorboards and tiny leaks bring about fun and exciting changes.

We are blessed, and every time I get a hug or a sweet "love you, mama" from our curly haired boy, I know this to be true.  Life has been hard but it's also been beautiful.  Without these seasons of waiting and pain perhaps I wouldn't fully grasp the joy of the lighter seasons. 

I do hope you had a blessed 2017 and your 2018 is beautiful and bright.


-Kristin

Gratitude

Happy (Late) Thanksgiving!
I have much to be thankful for. 
I sometimes don't act like it.  This year in particular I have struggled with focusing on gratitude, which is silly when I look at the beautiful things that have happened in my life. 
This blog is late because I have had great few days spent with my husband son and parents, doing some of my favorite jobs at the music store (window display!) and doing the things I love.
So, here is my Thanksgiving list.  Because I love lists.  I could list much more, but 10 is such a good list number... which doesn't make me sound OCD at all, right?

1. Jim.  Without him, I wouldn't know who I am. Love my husband with all my heart.  He's a top notch fella'.

2. Josiah. My almost two year old, curly haired boy.  He says please, thank you (tank too), sings his ABC's (kind of) and knows more words every day.  He surprises me, thrills me and brings me joy.  I love this little boy more than life itself.

3. Josiah's mother.  Without her, my current life wouldn't be possible.  I wouldn't have a boy who has her beautiful brown eyes, or who looks like her when he is thinking about something.  I wouldn't have this beautiful son of mine.  I'm grateful not only for her decision or the boy she gave me, but her spirit.  A spirit of giving and self-sacrifice.  

4. My closest friends.  Danielle, who ran crazy distances with me this year and supported me through a couple of difficult times... especially during running those crazy distances.  Tanya, who was there for me in ways no one else was the past few years and who loved my son and I more than most anyone.

5. All of the people who have done little things to support our adoption process.  Sharing profiles, liking Facebook posts.  These things might be what results in Josiah's sibling.

6. My parents.  It's been awesome to watch my dad fall in love with his grandson.  That they are here in town and willing to be grandparent day care two days a week has been amazing.  I am grateful for our Friday night Ninja Warrior viewing parties with them, too.

7. Continued jobs, home and food.  The fact that we have never worried about our next meal or a place to sleep.  Grateful that we can provide a life for ourselves and our son and to give, as well.

8. My three puppies.  One poor little guy went blind this year, but his demeanor has only improved since it happened (of course, that might be because he gets more attention and pets than ever before!).  These furry friends continue to warm my heart and my feet.  They are sweet and keep me in check when I start to get frustrated (our German Shepherd is like a trained emotion dog-- he comes directly to me and starts pushing on me if he hears me get frustrated.  Unfortunately, it usually causes more frustration!).

9. Running.  Going about two weeks without consistent running after my 50K I realized that I need it more than I ever realized.  I am grateful to be able to run most every day.  Even if I'm sore or slow or cold, it makes me better.

10. All the little things that make life better- Chai tea lattes and the lady at the coffee shop that knows my order before I say it.  An awesome local movie theater and good places to eat for date nights.  A high school band worth cheering for.  Successful grocery shopping trips.  Chocolate lavender cake.  Soft french terry pajama pants.  Music and headphones.  Getting house projects done.  Free evenings at home with my boys.  Toy trucks and Llama Llama books.

The Honest Lie

In January of this year, soon after Josiah turned one, we signed on with a new adoption agency.  We had tried a few months on our own  to advertise ourselves with zero results and I was becoming increasingly concerned and impatient.  I jumped when I found an agency that was slightly less expensive than our previous one and gladly paid the large upfront payment after reading through their encouraging statistics and positive vibe.

We were the perfect potential adoptive parents, having our home study already completed, working tirelessly to get our profile completed in record time; she said motivated couples usually took a month, we were done in two weeks.  We followed their suggestions.  We made it upbeat, exciting and "unique" to us.  We avoided sounding at all desperate or like adoption on our end was hard. 
We made our video, smiles plastered on our faces as we glossed over infertility and right into the excitement and hope of becoming parents.

Per their suggestion we avoided featuring Josiah much in the video.  He is too young, they said, birth mothers may not like seeing us with another baby in the house.  So, still smiling, we barely mentioned the son that literally is the most important thing in my life.

So we focused on music and athleticism instead, because those things made us "unique" they said.  Pictures of me running races and Jim riding his bike.  Posed pictures of me playing instruments, of us sitting on our couch playing the guitar.   A posed picture of Jim sitting on our piano bench playing his electric guitar, not plugged in.  We took my parents to the nature park to have my dad catch shots of us walking down the path, playing on the benches (because, you know, we so frequently go to the nature park to jump on the benches).  We invited friends over to take posed pictures of us playing board games-- we actually played the board game and had a wonderful time, but the pictures were staged.  We had a neighbor come over to capture us casually picking apples from the apple tree I have neglected since we moved here and play with our dog in the front yard even though he is rarely allowed to play in the un-fenced front yard.

We described our lovely small town and how close we are to big cities even though we hardly get to the big cities.  We talked about the lake, even though we rarely visit.  We talked about how absolutely excited everyone in our life is to see us adopt, even though the excitement has worn off significantly since this is round number two.

We smiled, the pitch of our voices raised for excitement.

We made a facebook page.  We were encouraged not to talk about how hard the wait is, but to just share our lives-- positively.  So I post pictures of the happy times of cookie baking and festivals and avoid posting the flooring torn up after the fridge leak.  I think of fun facts about our family to share and make videos of things that are happy.

And it is real.  We are genuinely smiling in every picture and everything I share is genuinely a good thing in our lives.  We may have been faking the apple picking, but we were enjoying our time together and laughing at ourselves for ridiculous posing.  When I say I can't wait to have another child and give Josiah a sibling I'm not kidding.  The thought of it actually happening brings a thrill up my spine and a lightness to my heart.

And it is fake.  I am constantly considering and reconsidering what I post with concern about how happy it appears.  I don't smile often when the camera is put away.  If I were able to be completely honest to potential birth mothers, I would tell them that I am hurting for another child.  I would tell them that left alone with my thoughts for even a second my eyes fill with tears.  I would tell them that if I don't pay attention to myself carefully I can easily start to feel panic set in.  I would tell them that I don't really trust my agency and I'm kicking myself for pushing Jim to sign up with them.   I would tell them that when the adoption tax credit was potentially on the chopping board I worried that we would never be able to pay back my parents for the loan to adopt baby number 2.  I would tell them that I'm really scared that we will never be chosen again.  I would tell them that there have been days when I have felt the crushing weight of rejection knowing that if our agency is doing their job, dozens of women have not chosen us.

And it wasn't unique.  Just days after our profile featured on our agencies Facebook page, another couple was pictured sitting on their couch, playing guitars.  Not long after, another couple was shown picking apples.  We are so "unique" that we are the same.  Most every couple describes themselves as athletic or active, and often they are musical.  It's hard to pull yourself away from the pack when you only have 1500 words to describe yourself.

Being a potential adoptive parent is an honest endeavor.  It is also a bit of a lie.  We put our best face forward, hoping someone likes what they see.  We don't dare show how scared we are, how hurt, how disappointed.  So we smile, as genuinely as we can, and we save our tears for our desperate pleas to God that He answers us soon.

List of 25

I've been wanting to write a blog post for a while but just haven't had the creativity or interesting stories to do so.  We are redoing our flooring, so my house is a disaster, and with everything else going on in my life right now I'm feeling that way myself.  So I found a list of questions I thought would be fun to answer.  Because when I can't be creative, I let someone else do the heavy lifting... much like I'm letting Jim do the hard parts of the floor repair.


Question 1: When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you?
I'm usually pretty good at sharing when I've blown it.  But, there have been times when I played dumb and gotten away with things.  I honestly can't think of an example but they are, to my embarrassment, somewhere in my past. 
Question 2: What would you name your boat if you had one?
I wouldn't.  And if I did, I would name it, "I Wouldn't", because no one else would use that name for a boat.
Question 3: What will finally break the internet?
I thought Ellen already did that. 
Question 4: What celebrity would you rate as a perfect 10?
I wouldn't, but the highest ranking would probably be Zachary Levi.
Question 5: Which fictional character would be the most boring to meet in real life?
Edward Cullen.  Because really, that series could have been condensed to half a book if "I love you Bella", "Bella, Bella, Bella" wasn't repeated so often.
Question 6: What is the best and worst purchases you’ve ever made?
Best purchase-- My Buffet Festival Bb Clarinet.
Worst Purchase -- Right now I'm thinking my house because it's falling apart, but probably more realistically HP laptops.
Question 7: If you had to change your name, what would your new name be, and why would you choose that name?
I can't tell you that, in case I go into protective custody and need to use that name. (Or... if we become parents to a little girl and I am able to use that name...)
Question 8: What are some things that sound like compliments but are actually insults?
There are so many, not worth typing them out.   People can be mean.
Question 9: What’s a body part that you wouldn’t mind losing?
I quite like all of my body functioning.
Question 10: What’s your biggest screw up in the kitchen?
I dropped a pot holder into my stove once and it started on fire.  I left a pan of sweet potatoes in the oven and went to a concert with them still in the oven.  I spilled juice under the fridge.  I got the wrong burner hot and melted a tupper ware lid.  I could go on...
Question 11: What’s the worst commercial you’ve recently seen? Why is it so bad?
Macy's commercials always annoy me.  I only get commercials on youtube, though, and they are usually fast.  I do remember a European car commercial where the sunroof took off a cat head, which to this day grosses me out.
Question 12: What’s the closest thing to real magic?
Fireflies.
Question 13: What is the craziest thing one of your teachers has done?
I had a teacher who wore her glasses upside down and jeans under her skirt.  She admitted to not combing her hair for months on end and almost killed Jim and I while crossing 5 lanes of traffic during rush hour.
Question 14: Who is the messiest person you know?
My 2 year old son, without a doubt.
Question 15: What problem or situation did TV / movies make you think would be common, but when you grew up you found out it wasn’t?
Quicksand.  I was convinced that stuff was everywhere. Why do people like beaches?! It's a death trap!!
Question 16: What quote or saying do people spout but is complete BS?
There are so many!  "Slow and steady wins the race" has always bothered me...I get the illustration but it isn't true.  Well trained and properly executed wins the race.  The slow one is still slow...

Question 17: What’s something your brain tries to make you do and you have to will yourself not to do it?
Eat the chocolate. 
Question 18: What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?
I'm an idiot.  The ways are numerous. 
Question 19: If you could know the absolute and total truth to one question, what question would you ask?
This is a really big question and I don't know if I could have a question picked out.  It would be to God about God, but I'm not sure which I would ask of the many questions I have for Him.
Question 20: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week?
Nothing I've read has been interesting.  It's all been sad.  The most "interesting" sad was that in India a mob lit some elephants on fire.  It's not interesting, it's just shocking to read.
Question 21: What ridiculous thing has someone tricked you into doing or believing?
I was a gullible and imaginative child.  Mermaids in the creek behind my house, gnomes in the woods ...you name it. 
Question 22: If you were given a one-minute ad slot during the Super Bowl that you couldn’t sell, what would you fill it with?
Either a recipe you can make in under a minute with typical super bowl party foods (I don't know what that would be, but I would love to see people try to make it in under a minute... interactive TV!) or blank screen so the diehards freak out.
Question 23: What’s the most useless talent you have?
I can do mindless, repetitive tasks really, really fast.  I can pull a dollar bill out from between stacked cups. 
Question 24: What would be on the gag reel of your life?
I think I mentioned I'm an idiot, so there are plenty of face-palm moments for the audience to enjoy.  But the times I've burst out laughing have mostly been with my husband or my kid and the awesomely fun things they do.
Question 25: Where is the worst smelling place you’ve been?
Science class when we were dissecting worms. 

What A Bunch Of Running Taught Me

I, with Danielle, ran a race that was a little over a 50K last week.
50K=31.6 miles. 
We ended up closer to 33, depending on whose watch you would look at (mine died directly at the 50K mark so it was unreliable).

I initially didn't share my intentions of running this race with many people.  Those who needed to know knew.  Jim, of course, and my parents, who sometimes watched my child or stuck a water bottle in their mail box during my long runs.  My bosses, because I thought they should know why I was so tired, starving, or hobbling around.  A couple of family members because during visits I had to explain that I had to be running for two or more hours on Saturday morning, or I couldn't eat this or that on Friday night.  Every once in a while the topic came up-- "what races are you signed up for?", "doing anything fun this fall?", and as the race neared "does anyone have any prayer requests?".

Anyway, a week ago today, I started my day off shiveri
ng under a borrowed blanket from Danielle's son, waiting for the longest race of my life to start.  It was a 10.5 mile loop done 3 times on trails.  Mostly single track, which was definitely written in the description of the race but definitely did not register in my brain. single track, if you don't know, is literally a beaten down trail about one persons width, like the picture below.

Part of the Cunningham Lake Trail, possibly where we ran (it looks slightly familiar).

not part of the trail we were on, but a better representation of most of it.  Deep single track with no safe places to run on the sides. 

The first loop was fine, I noticed more pain in my knees than is acceptable for 10 miles because I wasn't prepare for that caliber of trail-- the trail required a lot more balance than I needed on the gravel roads I'm used to.  It also had a couple of places where you needed to climb down a steep cliff-like thing, a hill where you almost had to use your hands to get up, and other crazy things I wasn't really prepared for. We also ran our extra mile in the first loop because someone directing wasn't in the right spot.

Loop two we slowed down due to some trouble for my running buddy.  She rallied and I struggled through the third loop as my IT Band threatened to "snap" as it has in the past, which would have led to a non-finish.  I also learned that my "wall" that runners so often claim to have-- the time in a race where all energy is lost-- is just a time when I start to cry.  It isn't really motivated by being tired, or wanting to be done, or even realizing we are close to the finish line.  It just meant tears for no reason.  Because, you know, crying helps with proper breathing.
We finished a lot later than I anticipated and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed.  The goal was to finish, and we did, but it still stings to have an intended pace be completely missed.  An older man helped cheer Danielle and I on during the last mile.  She and I held hands at the end, crying and cheering as we crossed the finish line.  The race director, at least in the pictures, looked as though we had just won the race he was so thrilled for us.  We got our medals, we were handed orange julius drinks by my dad and husband (a request I had made before the race), I cried some more and hugged my kiddo. 
my family and I headed back to the hotel so I could shower and then we were off to Costco.  It was at Costco where I realized I was going to be more sore than I hoped for.  My foot, which didn't hurt at all during the race or even the hour after, started to become painful to walk on.  The next morning, I wouldn't consider how I got around "walking".
The side of my foot swelled a bit and hurt a bunch.  I didn't attempt any running until Wednesday and lasted a block before I decided it wasn't a good idea.  By Thursday morning I felt great and went out with my awesome friend Tanya and did a fast 4 and felt great until we were done, then I was back to hobbling.  I think I am on the mend again, but tomorrows very short run will tell me how far along I've come.

So, with that recap, here is what I learned while I trained for and ran a 50K.  These are in no particular order, of course.

1. It's hard not to talk about it because training for a race is like taking on a part time job.  Saturday mornings were spent running.  Most mornings were spent running.  When people ask what you are up to, it's hard not to mention it because it becomes a part of who you are.

2.  I would not do a long distance without a friend.  And it would have to be a really, really good friend.  Danielle and I are at similar fitness levels, though we both have our strengths and weaknesses that are different.  However, if I didn't have her at my side the last lap, I may have just slipped into my car at mile 28 when we saw my family and just went home.  If I had gotten that far to begin with.  There is something to be said about the vulnerability and trust you gain with a running partner, and I couldn't have done this race with anyone other than Danielle. 

3. People, no matter what you do, will have their opinions and jokes.  One of the first things I heard when I told someone I had run a 50K was "so when is the 100 miler ?!" with a sly grin on their face.  My response was "Never.  I'm pretty happy being an ultra marathoner without going that far, thanks".  It's just the way people react.  There are plenty of people who will be encouraging and impressed, but there will always be the "commenters".  On the plus side, for every "commenter" there are at least twice as many positive people.

4. This will probably never happen again.  The time away from family to train, the sacrifices my family had to make on race day to cheer me on, the constant fear of injury and worrying about eating too much or too little isn't really worth it for me.  I also have only run once since the race and running, as silly as it might sound to those who don't do it, is my therapy.  With how difficult life has felt these past few months anyway, not being able to run has been absolutely terrible.  Mornings have been hard, feeling like not waking up because I didn't have a run to go on.  I have felt like dough (like squishy and warm and blobby, lol) not being able to run, my mind playing tricks on me that I suddenly ballooned in size because I'm not getting that exercise in.  And not being able to joyfully play with my son without gimping around behind him isn't worth it.  Maybe someday, when my kids are completely self sufficient and I need another challenge, I'll do another one.  But I have no desire or excitement for that distance again.  It wasn't horrible, it just isn't what I want to do right now.

5. It can be done.  There was a time not too long ago I didn't think I would ever run more than 5 miles at a time.  Or more than a half marathon.  Or more than training for a marathon (never ran it, just trained with Danielle).  But now I can say I've run an ultra, and I never thought that was possible.  It's pretty dang cool what the human body can do.

6. All sorts of people do it.  I saw older people, young people, people that didn't look particularly fit, people who could probably bench press me in a second and people in silly clothes. 

7. Getting back to "pre-50K" life is difficult.  Of course with an injury I have a bit of an extra layer.  But running without needing to walk or eat is going to be a transition.  Not needing all of Saturday morning to get miles in.  I have some lofty fitness goals this year that I look forward to tackling, but figuring out how to get out of long distance training is going to be tough.

So there you have it.   I was in a 50K race.  Proud of my BFF Danielle and kind of proud of myself, too. 

In My Own Hands

When something isn't available to me, I tend to take matters into my own hands.  I am the kind of person who, given the opportunity, does something instead of waiting for someone else to do it.  This isn't always the best quality to have, it feeds into my impatience and can lead to me diving into something when I should have taken a step back first.

However, there have been some successes in my desire to have certain things in my life.  A jazz band was born because I wanted to play with other musicians.  So was a quintet.  When I couldn't find a decent arrangement of a Christmas oboe and bassoon duet, I wrote one.  

When I couldn't find fresh ground peanut butter locally (after falling in love at a Whole Foods in Boulder), I bought my own peanuts and made my own. 

When I didn't like the streaks my floor cleaner made on my floor, I made my own.

When I decided that Febreez wasn't something I wanted in my house, I made my own "fresh smelling spray".

When I really wanted stuffed pasta but there wasn't any gluten free options, I made my own.

When the only dairy free yogurt in town kept selling out and wasn't reliably available, I started making my own.  

There have also been the failures.  The getting things done before they were ready, or focusing on something I had no control over type of failures.  Writing a song when I was in high school and trying to push it to be published before I graduated from high school, and the painful rejection letter that followed.  The time I threw away something in the kitchen I never used but Jim did.  The many times I've pulled bread or cakes out of the oven before they were done or cutting them before they were cool enough.
All of the stupid, ridiculous things I did that would supposedly help me get pregnant.

 ******************************************************************************

So when it seemed like we may never adopt another child again, I took our agencies "advice" to make a Facebook page because the "I'll do this myself" part of my mind took over.  I fill it with the best pictures of our family, small facts that might spark any interest, and awkward videos.  I pray over the site, we share it with friends and family, we even put advertising money towards it.
I didn't want to.  I didn't want to advertise ourselves.  It feels uncomfortable.  But I've only wanted three things in my life as much as this-- to know I was saved, to marry Jim and to have our precious Josiah.  I felt like I couldn't NOT do something. 

In the end, I might feel like I'm taking matters into my own hands but I know better.  I know who is in control and it certainly isn't me.  And while sometimes His timing makes no sense to me, I have to trust that what His word says is true, that He has plans for me.

I don't know if taking matters into my own hands by making the Facebook page was a rushed decision that won't get good results, or if it's an awesome opportunity to make the right contact.  Only time (and hopefully less of it) will tell.  With the world continuing to go around, both the good and the band, I feel like I'm standing still.  I have no other choice but to acknowledge I have no control over the situation.  It's hard to have no say in something you so desperately want. 



In the meantime, however, if you haven't liked our page, here is the link .  Please feel free to like, comment (supposedly lots of comments looks good, so say the adoption experts at our agency who have asked us to do this), and share if you feel so inclined.  I don't want to ask, I don't want to be a burden on others anymore than I already am, but I do know God works in the little things, and maybe it's a comment that catches the eye of the right person, or a share or a like.  Or maybe this page will just be another something to keep me occupied while we wait for a son or daughter, a sibling and friend.

It's That Time Of Year Again

This is a friendly update about our second adoption journey.  I don't know if it's the change of seasons, that it's been a few months for us, or that a local family was recently blessed with a son through adoption (congratulations, by the way!), but like last year, this time of year seems to grow interest in how we are doing.  We are asked a lot more questions in the fall.  I truly appreciate these questions, knowing that those who ask genuinely care about us.

So for those who haven't gotten around to asking, or who have gotten my short version answer of "nothing has happened yet", here is where we are at in the second adoption process.

Nothing has happened yet.

We are active with a new agency.  To be honest, switching agencies has been a scary transition because they do things differently than our last agency and we don't know what to trust as being the "best" way.  It's hard not to see the old agency as doing things "right" because they are what we know, and we can look at our son as proof that their system works.  However, we also have an awesome God and though I sometimes struggle with not being able to see what He's doing, we have to trust that He knows what agency we're with and is with us through the wait.

Our new agency is primarily online based, so our printed profiles aren't being shown as often as they were at the previous agency, but we recently re-printed our second set.  We aren't sure if this is good or not.

We are open to a child or children up to a few months old of any race with varying degrees of drug usage depending on the particular drug. 

Process wise, this adoption process was easier because we knew the list of to-do's to get going so it was easy to get started.

Emotionally, this has been a harder adoption process than the first, at least for me.  Most well meaning comments are "it will happen", "at least you have Josiah" and "you don't want another one right now".  These aren't bad comments, but it's been hard to deal with the whole situation as it is. 
The truth of the matter is it might not happen-- we might not ever have another child in our home (if, by chance, it doesn't work out for some reason, we have already paid this agency and couldn't afford to start over). 
The truth is that Josiah is absolutely amazing, but a large reason behind wanting another child is so Josiah can have a sibling.  Also, there are families with multiple children in the world.  Would it be comforting to a mother to hear "at least you have your oldest" if your youngest didn't exist?  That child, the life, is precious and so wanted, whether or not we have another one in our home.
The truth is I'm not sure I want my children close in age, but the adoption process is unpredictable.  We know people who were chosen very quickly and others who have waited for years.  If we don't start the process earlier than when we are ready we may be a lot later than we can handle.  And my wants regarding age separation between my kids ceased to matter the minute we realized we had absolutely no control over our family planning.  I will gladly welcome our next family member into our home if they are both in diapers or the age is much different.

Knowing that our future families fate is in the hands of people we have only spoke with on the phone, that we are filtered through them first before potential birth mothers even have the opportunity to consider us, is hard.  It is hard to trust others with your life when you don't know them.

And it's hard to again have the Lord answering "no" and "not yet" to my prayers.  It's hard to be constantly in the wait and to hear the truths that are meant to be comforting-- that He hears, that He answers, that He wants something better for us-- when they don't seem to apply. I know this isn't the case, but it is hard and I'm tired. 

So, no.  Nothing has happened yet.  We are always hopeful that someday soon we'll get the call.  We trust that God knows what's best, even if it is just a family of three. And we keep on keepin' on, because that's what we do.

Thank you for your interest in our lives, we truly appreciate the encouragement, the prayers, the well wishes and the questions.  I love hearing that people read this blog, it is such a mood booster to know that people care. 

A Letter From An Adoptive Parent To Her Child

For a long, long time, adoption was dominated by the stories of the adoptive parents.  The result was adoption always considered a happy ending because the adoptive family got what they wanted-- a family.  The stories, the struggles, the sacrifices of the birth mother were forgotten or hushed.  The difficulties, the confusion, the trauma of the adopted were silenced by pleas of gratitude or worse-- there stories were hidden; even from them.

Today, I can find a dozen articles written by a person who was adopted, giving me lists of things they want adoptive parents to know.  Which is awesome.  Of all of the people involved in what the industry calls the "adoption triad", the adopted person deserves a loud and profound voice.  Their perspective is imperative for all aspects of adoption and needs to be heard by everyone.

And while some of these articles, websites, blogs, videos, etc., can be heartbreaking for an adoptive mother like myself to read because they show harsh realities and strong criticisms about a decision I made to grow my family, they are all valuable voices that need to be heard by people like me.

Today, however, I'm going to share my list.  My list of things I want my son to know.  I have written a more detailed, more private letter in my son's book (the journal I keep with his milestones, communications with his birth family and other things we want to share with him), but I thought I would share this in case someone needs to read it.  The potential adoptive parent hurting in the wait (like me), the birth mother missing her child, the adoptive parent during a difficult parenting stage, the adopted struggling through something.  Or maybe, someone who just wants to know more about this crazy, beautiful, difficult road. 

**Please note that I am just one adoptive mom.  The list here is what I feel and believe and doesn't represent the feelings of all adoptive parents.**

Dear Son,

1. We Love You.  More than words can express.  Months and years before you were born we prayed for you, we cried for you, we pleaded for you.  That first moment we heard of you, with all of it's unknown, all of it's uncertainty, all of it's fear, we loved you.  I remember the first time I held you... I remember taking that first deep breath with you on my chest and realizing it was the deepest breath I had ever taken.  I felt whole with you there.  I experienced that deep, vibrant breath daily after that.  We love you fiercely, the kind of love that will stop at nothing, the kind of love that would sacrifice everything.

2. We are grateful for you.  Sometime in your life, you will be told by someone that you should be grateful for being adopted.  I'm here to tell you that we are grateful for you.  We are grateful for the opportunity to change your diapers, to wipe up your spills, to discipline you when you are naughty.  We are grateful for the hugs, the kisses, the giggles and the joys.  We are grateful to hear "mama" and "papa".  We are grateful for every moment that has yet to pass.  We are grateful for your life and our part in it.

3. We are listening.  Even when you are feelings things that you think might hurt our feelings, we want to know.  Even when you've done something wrong, we want you to speak.  When you are happy, when you are sad, you can tell us.  If you want to know more about your birth family or visit or you are sad about how your life started, you can tell us.  We will do our best to listen well and act when it's necessary.

4.  It's your life, you get to decide.  You weren't given the option to be raised by me.  None us get the choice of our parents, but you got an added step to your story.  But you, my love, get to decide how you feel about it.  I hope you are able to feel peace.  We will do everything in our power to help you achieve that.   We will be honest with you about everything we know about your story, we will be your advocate, your fighters, your cheer squad.  In the end, only you have control over how you feel about not only how your life started, but everything else in your life.  

5. We aren't perfect.  As much as I want to be, I can't be the perfect mom for you.  I realize that having you in my life is a gift I wasn't guaranteed so I feel the need to be the best I can be for you and the pressure to be perfect can feel overwhelming at times.  But there will be days when my patience wears thin, when mom needs a break, when I snap at you or do something not "motherly".  I've already experienced these things.  I'm already sorry for them and for the times coming.  But I know they are coming.  Please know we are trying.

6. I think about her all the time.  Your birth mother is always on my mind.  Your smile, the way you lift your eyebrow, they remind me of her.  I worry about her, I wonder what she's up to, I think "will she like this picture?", I pray for her.  Our relationship will be complicated at times and easier at others, but she is never far from my mind.  Because of her, I have you.  Because of her, I'm "mama".  She has played an incredibly important roll in my life.  You may have a lot of different feelings towards her as you grow but I will respect her and have concern for her always, because she is a part of your story and you are so incredibly important to me.

7. You don't have to be like us.  Your dad is an engineer, good at math, a cyclist who likes cars and legos.  I am a musician, a runner who likes reading and daydreaming.  You might be a football player.  Maybe you will draw the most beautiful pictures.  Maybe you will love to swim.  We are so excited to learn about whatever it is you are good at and what you enjoy doing.  I may not like football now, but if you played, it would become my favorite sport.  I can't draw a convincing looking stick person, but if you draw I will find the best people I can to help you and I will learn everything I can to appreciate your craft.  If you can't sing a tune in your whole life, as long as you are polite during the performances you sit through (sorry kid, you are stuck in a family with some musicians, you'll have to listen to music sometimes), I am happy.

9. You are still going to be disciplined.  There is a lot to learn about this world and how to live in it.  Your life may have started out differently but I don't believe in letting that dictate how I parent you.  You will still learn to be a gentleman, to treat people with kindness, to be respectful and work hard.  You will still learn that there is a right and a wrong and that we won't tolerate bad behavior because we love you and want you to be the best version of you possible.  

8. We hope you love us, too.  It's selfish, I know.  We read about and prepared for the difficulties of bonding through adoption while we waited, and I worried.  I never worried about loving you, but you get to decide how you live your life and how you feel about us. I know there is a chance that some day you will utter "you aren't my real mom"-- it will break my heart, even though I know to be ready for it.  After your life with us we hope you'll keep us in it.  We hope while you are here that we will be the ones you run to when you fall, the ones you trust when you need comfort, the ones you will want to share your joys with.  We hope to be grandparents to your children, we hope you come home for Christmas sometimes, we hope you call us when you want a recipe or help fixing your car.  We hope that we have poured enough love into your life that you will love others and we hope to be a part of that.  

My Wardrobe Is Boring

Capsule Wardrobe.
The words that had this fashion-impaired, rushed in the mornings mama daydreaming of looking cute/professional/put together/fun every day without having to spend a ton of time doing it.

Turns out, it's kinda hard.  And I'm still not good at fashion.  But the minimalist in me thoroughly enjoys the fewer clothes on my side of the closet and the organizationally obsessed in me likes that most of my clothes now go together.

Most capsule wardrobe suggestions and "how to's" online just didn't work for me.  The 30 item or less wardrobe so many fashionistas brag about is typically seasonal or for specific lifestyles that just didn't work for me. 
I'm not a professional, so the pants suit, a skirt that matches the set and a few tank tops doesn't work for me, especially because as I wrote this I can see the yogurt stain on my shoulder from my toddler out of the corner of my eye.
I am also not business casual.  I walk to work or walk my son every single day.  Those cute heels that "every wardrobe needs" just doesn't work for me.  I can count three times in the past few years where heels would have been nice to have.  Otherwise, flats is where it's at, baby.
I live in Nebraska.  This week alone it has been 105 degrees, there have been rainstorms and I have run in a wind that was cool enough that if I hadn't been doing a physical activity I may have considered a light jacket.  Most wardrobes I find are for one season, and while that is fine, all seasons can hit me in a week here.  So I need to keep all seasons clothing available.  Meaning if I were to do 30 pieces per season, my closet would be fuller than it has ever been, which takes away from the whole minimalism aspect.

So, for interested parties who have read this far, this is how I have done my "capsule" wardrobe.  I again repeat that I am not fashionable in the least.  My clothes are boring at best and I'm sure there are plenty of people who look at my every day attire and could critique the heck out of what I wear.  But, I'm not here to win a prize for cutest part time music store employee/mom, I'm just sharing how my wardrobe simplifies my life.

To get started, I sat down and asked a bunch of questions.

1. How often do I want to do laundry and how many times can I wear things before they need washed?  I based my entire number of items off of this.  I didn't want to be doing laundry every
day so my wardrobe was "simpler", because that would be a pain, a waste of water and not at all simpler.

2. What do I do in a day, what kind of clothes work for that?  I walk every day and spend a majority of my time at home on the floor with a little boy playing cars.  I cook, clean house, help customers, etc.  Again, heels aren't working for me.  Neither are short skirts or other clothing that is difficult to move in.

3. What styles do I like?  There are plenty of styles of shirt to choose from, but I know the kinds I like.  What neckline do I think is flattering on me?  do I like long tops?  Tight or loose fitting?  What are things I like about certain pants?  I only allow things that I like what I look like in my closet. I'm my biggest critique (ask my husband, I'm pretty terrible to myself) so if I don't like what I look like, it either won't get worn or I will feel gross all day.  Might as well be something I think I look good in every day.

4. Along those lines, what do I like to wear when I don't feel good about myself?  Let's be real, at least for girls, we can look in the mirror one day and think we are hot stuff and the next day wonder why we're so bloated and gross.  I do my best to find clothes that I feel comfortable in, even on those days (so no super tight tops for me!).

5. What is my favorite neutral color? GRAY.  Many of my clothes are gray.  My main pair of shoes, most shirts, some bottoms.  Gray.

6. What are two or three colors that go with the neutral color that I look good in and like?  For me, burgundy and navy.  If it isn't gray, it's one of these two.  There is only one exception to this (a lighter blue tank top that was supposed to be navy, isn't, but still felt great wearing it) in my day to day clothing.  Boring? Most likely.  Easy to put together? YES.

After all that, for me, I listed everything that I own that fit these guidelines-- and ditched the rest.  It worked out to about 5 cool temperature tops and bottoms and 5 cold weather tops and bottoms, or close to it.

Please note; This list does not include two types of clothing--work out gear (of which I have 2 of every kind of seasonal item [2 pairs of shorts, 2 pairs winter leggings, that sort of thing]) and lounge wear, because I don't wear sweatpants every day (at least, not in public...).

My last and final question is do I feel good about it.  Is it quality (am I going to have to replace this item often?), does it hold it's shape/fit well, and most importantly, does it hold my values. 
Yes, I care about where my clothes come from.  I want my wardrobe to be as ethical as possible-- I don't want to give into slave labor or poor environmental choices when there are plenty of other options out there.  Pact, Threads 4 Thought, Prana, Patagonia, Columbia, North Face, Allen Allen... there are plenty of companies that make it a priority to provide clothing that last and that don't exploit.  This doesn't mean that a few don't slip in... Silver jeans fit me best and I am not sure about their policies.  And I have a skirt from Old Navy that I have owned for at least 6 years if not more that is still in good shape so I'm going to wear that puppy until it falls apart.  A lot of my athletic gear, which has held up surprisingly well, is of the cheap Wal*Mart/Old Navy variety.

So if you have ever found yourself wondering why you see me wearing the same clothes over and over again, this is why.  I might be boring, I may not be the cutest person in town, but since making this change I have never found an instance where I had "nothing to wear" or couldn't easily pick out a top and bottom to go together.

A Day In The Life

Everybody's day starts and ends differently... and every day is a bit different, too.  My life looks a lot different than the lives of even my closest friends and family.  Our daily routines are a big part of who we are because they are what we do.  All. The. Time.
My life is not glamorous, exciting, or the kind of picture perfect where I could give lifestyle advice (I always wondered how much confidence it would take to start a lifestyle blog).  It's just my life.  And other than the occasional bump in the road, (or adoption wait... ahem), or random circumstance, I'm pretty cool with the life I live.  With many areas capable of improvement, of course.
In any case, I have always found the routines and day to day lives of others interesting.  Yet, when we visit each other or spend time together or on social media, we are often not privy to the day to day activities.  For instance, when you visit family for a week, the house is often more organized than usual and the meals and activities are often more tailored to the visitors instead of being a typical week.

So here is a typical day of this average lady in eastern Nebraska.

Almost everyday, I'm up at 4:20 AM. 

Good morning, world.  Don't I look thrilled to be here?

That gives me 10 minutes to get dressed and check the weather before I head out for my morning run.  The length of run depends on the day and so does the wake up time.  The shorter the run, the more I sleep in the morning.  I try not to have such varied alarm clock time, but let's be honest, getting up at 4:20 when I could be getting up at 4:45... it's a no brainer-- but usually, the run is long enough I'm up at 4:20 anyway.
After my run, I follow with a workout, which again, varies by day.  Sometimes, it's a 50 minute workout with Jillian Michaels, other times it's a youtube video, other days it's listening to music while I make up my own routine. 
I get ready for the day after that with a quick shower, get dressed, etc.  If I have time, I throw laundry in to get it started, get the dishwasher ready to go and clean off any counters that weren't cleaned the night before.
at 7 AM I go get the kiddo.  I have gotten into the habit of turning on our Sonos speakers (shameless product plug...we have these at Lou Kraus Music.  They are awesome wireless speakers with a great sound that can be controlled from your computer/phone), one of which is in Josiah's room, with some really happy music before I walk in.  Then my boy is dancing in his crib and grinning ear to ear when I walk in.  Now THAT is how you start a day.

I feed little man breakfast and while he drinks his morning milk, I finish any chores in the kitchen area that need done and run a bath for him.   Usually, it's throwing a meal in the crockpot or dinner prep.
After he's cleaned up and just playing in the bath (what is it with kids and bath water?  He loves it!), I blow dry my hair and make silly faces at him, because I look hilarious holding my head upside down and my hair blowing everywhere.
He brushes his teeth, makes sure to check them out in the mirror, turns off the light and we get him dressed.
On days I work, we read a couple of books and then head out to Grandma and Grandpa's house.  I leave him there, walk to work from their house and well... work.  I have lunch with Jim on these days and we watch a stupid show on Netflix typically and enjoy eating a meal without feeding half of it Josiah. After work, I walk back to my parents, pick up my son, go home and play until dinner. 
On days I'm home, we go for a walk with the stroller, sometimes with a dog.  The dogs still don't get the whole stroller thing, though, so not often.  We come back and read some books, play with cars (all. day. long.), listen to music, etc. 

Hahahahaha.

I get him out of the house once a day-- to the grocery store, my parents house, the music store, the coffee shop, or the library.  It gives me a break from feeling like I have to be entertaining, and the chores I want to do can't taunt me while my son is playing drums with my boss (or "Uncle Bob" as he is known at our house) at the music store.

*Won't let me caption the video... this isn't Uncle Bob, this is "Uncle Luis", who also works at the music store. *
We break these things up with a snack at 10:30, lunch at noon, a nap from 2-4:30, followed by another snack.

The day I take a picture at the library isn't a normal day, of course, but it's still a great place to be on Tuesday mornings!

Nap time happens in one of two very drastic ways.  Many times, it's when I go into hyper-get-it-done mode.  This is the time I fold laundry, clean the bathrooms, organize closets, clean out the fridge, organize the pantry, mop the floor, bake, meal prep for dinner, research something that I need to understand better (like activities for toddlers, etc.), give the dogs a bath, clean the car out, write music, practice (quietly!), etc.  I am slightly obsessive about a clean home... and I give lessons, so I have kids coming into my house a few days a week.  If I'm not in a get it done mode, it typically consists of grabbing a cup of lemon water and watching You Tube videos for two and a half hours.  Because I can.Or I crash on the couch. Because I can't help it.
Jim is usually home after nap time and if we don't all play together it's because I'm doing last minute dinner preparations or giving music lessons. We eat dinner at 6, hopefully followed by a quick Bible reading while I clear the table.  If the temperature is good, this is followed by a family stroller walk.  After a little more playing (with cars, most likely) it's bedtime routine for little man.  I usually am in my pajamas at this point, too, because who wants to wear regular clothes, right? 
Jim puts little man to sleep, so I get my clothes laid out for the next day, check email, etc.
We sneak downstairs with the dogs and watch an episode or two of a favorite show, talk, or do something together as a couple.  This often also includes the dogs, who take the opportunity to cuddle without being over-cuddled by a baby.
I'm off to bed, where I read the Bible for a bit. I fall asleep earlier than most but that's because I start over at 4:20 the next morning.
Saturdays are a similar schedule but Jim is around, which often means some more free time for me to do something a little more "self centered" (like practice instruments, write blog posts, run errands) or we go somewhere as a family.  Saturday night is date night, meaning we will either get a sitter and go out, or watch something more than a TV show after Josiah goes to bed. 
Sundays I get to sleep in!  I usually do some stretching in the AM and get ready before the baby wakes up, we go to church, eat lunch at home, nap time is more restful on Sundays and these are almost always the days I read or watch a movie.  I also try to organize the next week during nap time in my awesome planner (I love having a planner because I'm a nerd).  We don't do a typical dinner Sunday night, think popcorn, smoothies (or Jim does milkshakes), apples and peanut butter. 
 
So there is a look into my life.  This does not include the awesome times I visit with friends or get to do extra fun things.  It also doesn't include the hours of worry, prayer, and work that go into the second adoption.  Everyone's story is different and our daily routines are different.  Hope you enjoyed looking at mine.