I didn't get a Christmas card sent this year.
Last year, I put my little boy in a Christmas sweater at the end of October, handed him some Christmas lights and took some cute pictures. Closer to the holiday, I wrangled my entire family, dogs and all, to pose for a family photo.
In years past I've written letters, sent out updates, sent pictures.
Not this year.
Instead, you get a (late) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year... and an apology. An apology for not taking the time to share cute pictures of my kid, or letting people know how we are doing. Those cards and letters are always appreciated when we receive them, and I know there are a few people who have invested in our lives that would like to know how things are.
The condensed Christmas letter for us is that we are fine.
Josiah is great. He knows his ABC's and the lyrics to many different songs. He speaks clearly and understands quite a few things. He likes cars, pointing out cars, telling me the color of cars, and playing with toy cars. He likes running, going to Grandma's house, playing with legos and "toy-yo" (play dough) and wrestling with his buddy, David the German Shepherd.
Jim continues to work as an Electrical Engineer. We are grateful for his job and the community it has placed us in. He is still cycling and enjoying the time it gives him with friends when they can get together.
I'm still working two days a week at the music store and giving private lessons a couple of days a week. I have some amazing students-- from those just starting to audition for honor bands to one traveling to Australia for a prestigious performance. I enjoy my job. I am still running and completed my first (and probably only) 50K with Danielle.
My parents live in our little Nebraskan town and we love living near them. Friday nights we spend with them watching re-runs of Ninja Warrior. My mom is "grandma daycare" for Josiah which has been awesome. Josiah has a special adoration for his grandpa. I love having my parents close.
We still have the three dogs. Gray, our oldest male, went blind this year, but he is still happy and sweet.
We started with a new adoption agency and nothing has happened. It has been hard, watching pregnancies and births and other adoptions while we rely on the system for Josiah's sibling-- even as joyful as those events have been. It's all in God's timing but that doesn't make the wait any less painful.
My running partner of the past few years, one of the few people Josiah calls "Aunt" and one of the few people who has been consistently and intentionally involved in Josiah's life and my life, moved to Texas. I don't make close friends easily, being as awkward as I am, so it was hard to see her go.
A few other things, the details of which aren't something I feel the need to share with anyone, also made this past year a hard one.
And so I don't end this post on a downer, our biggest events of the year started with a little leak in the back of our fridge. We are now walking on a beautiful new floor and enjoying brand new kitchen appliances. Sometimes soggy floorboards and tiny leaks bring about fun and exciting changes.
We are blessed, and every time I get a hug or a sweet "love you, mama" from our curly haired boy, I know this to be true. Life has been hard but it's also been beautiful. Without these seasons of waiting and pain perhaps I wouldn't fully grasp the joy of the lighter seasons.
I do hope you had a blessed 2017 and your 2018 is beautiful and bright.
-Kristin
Monday, January 1, 2018
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Gratitude
Happy (Late) Thanksgiving!
I have much to be thankful for.
I sometimes don't act like it. This year in particular I have struggled with focusing on gratitude, which is silly when I look at the beautiful things that have happened in my life.
This blog is late because I have had great few days spent with my husband son and parents, doing some of my favorite jobs at the music store (window display!) and doing the things I love.
So, here is my Thanksgiving list. Because I love lists. I could list much more, but 10 is such a good list number... which doesn't make me sound OCD at all, right?
3. Josiah's mother. Without her, my current life wouldn't be possible. I wouldn't have a boy who has her beautiful brown eyes, or who looks like her when he is thinking about something. I wouldn't have this beautiful son of mine. I'm grateful not only for her decision or the boy she gave me, but her spirit. A spirit of giving and self-sacrifice.
4. My closest friends. Danielle, who ran crazy distances with me this year and supported me through a couple of difficult times... especially during running those crazy distances. Tanya, who was there for me in ways no one else was the past few years and who loved my son and I more than most anyone.
5. All of the people who have done little things to support our adoption process. Sharing profiles, liking Facebook posts. These things might be what results in Josiah's sibling.
6. My parents. It's been awesome to watch my dad fall in love with his grandson. That they are here in town and willing to be grandparent day care two days a week has been amazing. I am grateful for our Friday night Ninja Warrior viewing parties with them, too.
7. Continued jobs, home and food. The fact that we have never worried about our next meal or a place to sleep. Grateful that we can provide a life for ourselves and our son and to give, as well.
8. My three puppies. One poor little guy went blind this year, but his demeanor has only improved since it happened (of course, that might be because he gets more attention and pets than ever before!). These furry friends continue to warm my heart and my feet. They are sweet and keep me in check when I start to get frustrated (our German Shepherd is like a trained emotion dog-- he comes directly to me and starts pushing on me if he hears me get frustrated. Unfortunately, it usually causes more frustration!).
9. Running. Going about two weeks without consistent running after my 50K I realized that I need it more than I ever realized. I am grateful to be able to run most every day. Even if I'm sore or slow or cold, it makes me better.
10. All the little things that make life better- Chai tea lattes and the lady at the coffee shop that knows my order before I say it. An awesome local movie theater and good places to eat for date nights. A high school band worth cheering for. Successful grocery shopping trips. Chocolate lavender cake. Soft french terry pajama pants. Music and headphones. Getting house projects done. Free evenings at home with my boys. Toy trucks and Llama Llama books.
I have much to be thankful for.
I sometimes don't act like it. This year in particular I have struggled with focusing on gratitude, which is silly when I look at the beautiful things that have happened in my life.
This blog is late because I have had great few days spent with my husband son and parents, doing some of my favorite jobs at the music store (window display!) and doing the things I love.
So, here is my Thanksgiving list. Because I love lists. I could list much more, but 10 is such a good list number... which doesn't make me sound OCD at all, right?
1. Jim. Without him, I wouldn't know who I am. Love my husband with all my heart. He's a top notch fella'.
2. Josiah. My almost two year old, curly haired boy. He says please, thank you (tank too), sings his ABC's (kind of) and knows more words every day. He surprises me, thrills me and brings me joy. I love this little boy more than life itself.
3. Josiah's mother. Without her, my current life wouldn't be possible. I wouldn't have a boy who has her beautiful brown eyes, or who looks like her when he is thinking about something. I wouldn't have this beautiful son of mine. I'm grateful not only for her decision or the boy she gave me, but her spirit. A spirit of giving and self-sacrifice.
4. My closest friends. Danielle, who ran crazy distances with me this year and supported me through a couple of difficult times... especially during running those crazy distances. Tanya, who was there for me in ways no one else was the past few years and who loved my son and I more than most anyone.
5. All of the people who have done little things to support our adoption process. Sharing profiles, liking Facebook posts. These things might be what results in Josiah's sibling.
6. My parents. It's been awesome to watch my dad fall in love with his grandson. That they are here in town and willing to be grandparent day care two days a week has been amazing. I am grateful for our Friday night Ninja Warrior viewing parties with them, too.
7. Continued jobs, home and food. The fact that we have never worried about our next meal or a place to sleep. Grateful that we can provide a life for ourselves and our son and to give, as well.
8. My three puppies. One poor little guy went blind this year, but his demeanor has only improved since it happened (of course, that might be because he gets more attention and pets than ever before!). These furry friends continue to warm my heart and my feet. They are sweet and keep me in check when I start to get frustrated (our German Shepherd is like a trained emotion dog-- he comes directly to me and starts pushing on me if he hears me get frustrated. Unfortunately, it usually causes more frustration!).
9. Running. Going about two weeks without consistent running after my 50K I realized that I need it more than I ever realized. I am grateful to be able to run most every day. Even if I'm sore or slow or cold, it makes me better.
10. All the little things that make life better- Chai tea lattes and the lady at the coffee shop that knows my order before I say it. An awesome local movie theater and good places to eat for date nights. A high school band worth cheering for. Successful grocery shopping trips. Chocolate lavender cake. Soft french terry pajama pants. Music and headphones. Getting house projects done. Free evenings at home with my boys. Toy trucks and Llama Llama books.
Monday, November 13, 2017
The Honest Lie
In January of this year, soon after Josiah turned one, we signed on with a new adoption agency. We had tried a few months on our own to advertise ourselves with zero results and I was becoming increasingly concerned and impatient. I jumped when I found an agency that was slightly less expensive than our previous one and gladly paid the large upfront payment after reading through their encouraging statistics and positive vibe.
We were the perfect potential adoptive parents, having our home study already completed, working tirelessly to get our profile completed in record time; she said motivated couples usually took a month, we were done in two weeks. We followed their suggestions. We made it upbeat, exciting and "unique" to us. We avoided sounding at all desperate or like adoption on our end was hard.
We made our video, smiles plastered on our faces as we glossed over infertility and right into the excitement and hope of becoming parents.
Per their suggestion we avoided featuring Josiah much in the video. He is too young, they said, birth mothers may not like seeing us with another baby in the house. So, still smiling, we barely mentioned the son that literally is the most important thing in my life.
So we focused on music and athleticism instead, because those things made us "unique" they said. Pictures of me running races and Jim riding his bike. Posed pictures of me playing instruments, of us sitting on our couch playing the guitar. A posed picture of Jim sitting on our piano bench playing his electric guitar, not plugged in. We took my parents to the nature park to have my dad catch shots of us walking down the path, playing on the benches (because, you know, we so frequently go to the nature park to jump on the benches). We invited friends over to take posed pictures of us playing board games-- we actually played the board game and had a wonderful time, but the pictures were staged. We had a neighbor come over to capture us casually picking apples from the apple tree I have neglected since we moved here and play with our dog in the front yard even though he is rarely allowed to play in the un-fenced front yard.
We described our lovely small town and how close we are to big cities even though we hardly get to the big cities. We talked about the lake, even though we rarely visit. We talked about how absolutely excited everyone in our life is to see us adopt, even though the excitement has worn off significantly since this is round number two.
We smiled, the pitch of our voices raised for excitement.
We made a facebook page. We were encouraged not to talk about how hard the wait is, but to just share our lives-- positively. So I post pictures of the happy times of cookie baking and festivals and avoid posting the flooring torn up after the fridge leak. I think of fun facts about our family to share and make videos of things that are happy.
And it is real. We are genuinely smiling in every picture and everything I share is genuinely a good thing in our lives. We may have been faking the apple picking, but we were enjoying our time together and laughing at ourselves for ridiculous posing. When I say I can't wait to have another child and give Josiah a sibling I'm not kidding. The thought of it actually happening brings a thrill up my spine and a lightness to my heart.
And it is fake. I am constantly considering and reconsidering what I post with concern about how happy it appears. I don't smile often when the camera is put away. If I were able to be completely honest to potential birth mothers, I would tell them that I am hurting for another child. I would tell them that left alone with my thoughts for even a second my eyes fill with tears. I would tell them that if I don't pay attention to myself carefully I can easily start to feel panic set in. I would tell them that I don't really trust my agency and I'm kicking myself for pushing Jim to sign up with them. I would tell them that when the adoption tax credit was potentially on the chopping board I worried that we would never be able to pay back my parents for the loan to adopt baby number 2. I would tell them that I'm really scared that we will never be chosen again. I would tell them that there have been days when I have felt the crushing weight of rejection knowing that if our agency is doing their job, dozens of women have not chosen us.
And it wasn't unique. Just days after our profile featured on our agencies Facebook page, another couple was pictured sitting on their couch, playing guitars. Not long after, another couple was shown picking apples. We are so "unique" that we are the same. Most every couple describes themselves as athletic or active, and often they are musical. It's hard to pull yourself away from the pack when you only have 1500 words to describe yourself.
Being a potential adoptive parent is an honest endeavor. It is also a bit of a lie. We put our best face forward, hoping someone likes what they see. We don't dare show how scared we are, how hurt, how disappointed. So we smile, as genuinely as we can, and we save our tears for our desperate pleas to God that He answers us soon.
We were the perfect potential adoptive parents, having our home study already completed, working tirelessly to get our profile completed in record time; she said motivated couples usually took a month, we were done in two weeks. We followed their suggestions. We made it upbeat, exciting and "unique" to us. We avoided sounding at all desperate or like adoption on our end was hard.
We made our video, smiles plastered on our faces as we glossed over infertility and right into the excitement and hope of becoming parents.
Per their suggestion we avoided featuring Josiah much in the video. He is too young, they said, birth mothers may not like seeing us with another baby in the house. So, still smiling, we barely mentioned the son that literally is the most important thing in my life.
So we focused on music and athleticism instead, because those things made us "unique" they said. Pictures of me running races and Jim riding his bike. Posed pictures of me playing instruments, of us sitting on our couch playing the guitar. A posed picture of Jim sitting on our piano bench playing his electric guitar, not plugged in. We took my parents to the nature park to have my dad catch shots of us walking down the path, playing on the benches (because, you know, we so frequently go to the nature park to jump on the benches). We invited friends over to take posed pictures of us playing board games-- we actually played the board game and had a wonderful time, but the pictures were staged. We had a neighbor come over to capture us casually picking apples from the apple tree I have neglected since we moved here and play with our dog in the front yard even though he is rarely allowed to play in the un-fenced front yard.
We described our lovely small town and how close we are to big cities even though we hardly get to the big cities. We talked about the lake, even though we rarely visit. We talked about how absolutely excited everyone in our life is to see us adopt, even though the excitement has worn off significantly since this is round number two.
We smiled, the pitch of our voices raised for excitement.
We made a facebook page. We were encouraged not to talk about how hard the wait is, but to just share our lives-- positively. So I post pictures of the happy times of cookie baking and festivals and avoid posting the flooring torn up after the fridge leak. I think of fun facts about our family to share and make videos of things that are happy.
And it is real. We are genuinely smiling in every picture and everything I share is genuinely a good thing in our lives. We may have been faking the apple picking, but we were enjoying our time together and laughing at ourselves for ridiculous posing. When I say I can't wait to have another child and give Josiah a sibling I'm not kidding. The thought of it actually happening brings a thrill up my spine and a lightness to my heart.
And it is fake. I am constantly considering and reconsidering what I post with concern about how happy it appears. I don't smile often when the camera is put away. If I were able to be completely honest to potential birth mothers, I would tell them that I am hurting for another child. I would tell them that left alone with my thoughts for even a second my eyes fill with tears. I would tell them that if I don't pay attention to myself carefully I can easily start to feel panic set in. I would tell them that I don't really trust my agency and I'm kicking myself for pushing Jim to sign up with them. I would tell them that when the adoption tax credit was potentially on the chopping board I worried that we would never be able to pay back my parents for the loan to adopt baby number 2. I would tell them that I'm really scared that we will never be chosen again. I would tell them that there have been days when I have felt the crushing weight of rejection knowing that if our agency is doing their job, dozens of women have not chosen us.
And it wasn't unique. Just days after our profile featured on our agencies Facebook page, another couple was pictured sitting on their couch, playing guitars. Not long after, another couple was shown picking apples. We are so "unique" that we are the same. Most every couple describes themselves as athletic or active, and often they are musical. It's hard to pull yourself away from the pack when you only have 1500 words to describe yourself.
Being a potential adoptive parent is an honest endeavor. It is also a bit of a lie. We put our best face forward, hoping someone likes what they see. We don't dare show how scared we are, how hurt, how disappointed. So we smile, as genuinely as we can, and we save our tears for our desperate pleas to God that He answers us soon.
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
List of 25
I've been wanting to write a blog post for a while but just haven't had the creativity or interesting stories to do so. We are redoing our flooring, so my house is a disaster, and with everything else going on in my life right now I'm feeling that way myself. So I found a list of questions I thought would be fun to answer. Because when I can't be creative, I let someone else do the heavy lifting... much like I'm letting Jim do the hard parts of the floor repair.
Question 1: When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you?
I'm usually pretty good at sharing when I've blown it. But, there have been times when I played dumb and gotten away with things. I honestly can't think of an example but they are, to my embarrassment, somewhere in my past.
Question 2: What would you name your boat if you had one?
I wouldn't. And if I did, I would name it, "I Wouldn't", because no one else would use that name for a boat.
Question 3: What will finally break the internet?
I thought Ellen already did that.
Question 4: What celebrity would you rate as a perfect 10?
I wouldn't, but the highest ranking would probably be Zachary Levi.
Question 5: Which fictional character would be the most boring to meet in real life?
Edward Cullen. Because really, that series could have been condensed to half a book if "I love you Bella", "Bella, Bella, Bella" wasn't repeated so often.
Question 6: What is the best and worst purchases you’ve ever made?
Best purchase-- My Buffet Festival Bb Clarinet.
Worst Purchase -- Right now I'm thinking my house because it's falling apart, but probably more realistically HP laptops.
Question 7: If you had to change your name, what would your new name be, and why would you choose that name?
I can't tell you that, in case I go into protective custody and need to use that name. (Or... if we become parents to a little girl and I am able to use that name...)
Question 8: What are some things that sound like compliments but are actually insults?
There are so many, not worth typing them out. People can be mean.
Question 9: What’s a body part that you wouldn’t mind losing?
I quite like all of my body functioning.
Question 10: What’s your biggest screw up in the kitchen?
I dropped a pot holder into my stove once and it started on fire. I left a pan of sweet potatoes in the oven and went to a concert with them still in the oven. I spilled juice under the fridge. I got the wrong burner hot and melted a tupper ware lid. I could go on...
Question 11: What’s the worst commercial you’ve recently seen? Why is it so bad?
Macy's commercials always annoy me. I only get commercials on youtube, though, and they are usually fast. I do remember a European car commercial where the sunroof took off a cat head, which to this day grosses me out.
Question 12: What’s the closest thing to real magic?
Fireflies.
Question 13: What is the craziest thing one of your teachers has done?
I had a teacher who wore her glasses upside down and jeans under her skirt. She admitted to not combing her hair for months on end and almost killed Jim and I while crossing 5 lanes of traffic during rush hour.
Question 14: Who is the messiest person you know?
My 2 year old son, without a doubt.
Question 15: What problem or situation did TV / movies make you think would be common, but when you grew up you found out it wasn’t?
Quicksand. I was convinced that stuff was everywhere. Why do people like beaches?! It's a death trap!!
Question 16: What quote or saying do people spout but is complete BS?
There are so many! "Slow and steady wins the race" has always bothered me...I get the illustration but it isn't true. Well trained and properly executed wins the race. The slow one is still slow...
Question 17: What’s something your brain tries to make you do and you have to will yourself not to do it?
Eat the chocolate.
Question 18: What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?
I'm an idiot. The ways are numerous.
Question 19: If you could know the absolute and total truth to one question, what question would you ask?
This is a really big question and I don't know if I could have a question picked out. It would be to God about God, but I'm not sure which I would ask of the many questions I have for Him.
Question 20: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week?
Nothing I've read has been interesting. It's all been sad. The most "interesting" sad was that in India a mob lit some elephants on fire. It's not interesting, it's just shocking to read.
Question 21: What ridiculous thing has someone tricked you into doing or believing?
I was a gullible and imaginative child. Mermaids in the creek behind my house, gnomes in the woods ...you name it.
Question 22: If you were given a one-minute ad slot during the Super Bowl that you couldn’t sell, what would you fill it with?
Either a recipe you can make in under a minute with typical super bowl party foods (I don't know what that would be, but I would love to see people try to make it in under a minute... interactive TV!) or blank screen so the diehards freak out.
Question 23: What’s the most useless talent you have?
I can do mindless, repetitive tasks really, really fast. I can pull a dollar bill out from between stacked cups.
Question 24: What would be on the gag reel of your life?
I think I mentioned I'm an idiot, so there are plenty of face-palm moments for the audience to enjoy. But the times I've burst out laughing have mostly been with my husband or my kid and the awesomely fun things they do.
Question 25: Where is the worst smelling place you’ve been?
Science class when we were dissecting worms.
Question 1: When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you?
I'm usually pretty good at sharing when I've blown it. But, there have been times when I played dumb and gotten away with things. I honestly can't think of an example but they are, to my embarrassment, somewhere in my past.
Question 2: What would you name your boat if you had one?
I wouldn't. And if I did, I would name it, "I Wouldn't", because no one else would use that name for a boat.
Question 3: What will finally break the internet?
I thought Ellen already did that.
Question 4: What celebrity would you rate as a perfect 10?
I wouldn't, but the highest ranking would probably be Zachary Levi.
Question 5: Which fictional character would be the most boring to meet in real life?
Edward Cullen. Because really, that series could have been condensed to half a book if "I love you Bella", "Bella, Bella, Bella" wasn't repeated so often.
Question 6: What is the best and worst purchases you’ve ever made?
Best purchase-- My Buffet Festival Bb Clarinet.
Worst Purchase -- Right now I'm thinking my house because it's falling apart, but probably more realistically HP laptops.
Question 7: If you had to change your name, what would your new name be, and why would you choose that name?
I can't tell you that, in case I go into protective custody and need to use that name. (Or... if we become parents to a little girl and I am able to use that name...)
Question 8: What are some things that sound like compliments but are actually insults?
There are so many, not worth typing them out. People can be mean.
Question 9: What’s a body part that you wouldn’t mind losing?
I quite like all of my body functioning.
Question 10: What’s your biggest screw up in the kitchen?
I dropped a pot holder into my stove once and it started on fire. I left a pan of sweet potatoes in the oven and went to a concert with them still in the oven. I spilled juice under the fridge. I got the wrong burner hot and melted a tupper ware lid. I could go on...
Question 11: What’s the worst commercial you’ve recently seen? Why is it so bad?
Macy's commercials always annoy me. I only get commercials on youtube, though, and they are usually fast. I do remember a European car commercial where the sunroof took off a cat head, which to this day grosses me out.
Question 12: What’s the closest thing to real magic?
Fireflies.
Question 13: What is the craziest thing one of your teachers has done?
I had a teacher who wore her glasses upside down and jeans under her skirt. She admitted to not combing her hair for months on end and almost killed Jim and I while crossing 5 lanes of traffic during rush hour.
Question 14: Who is the messiest person you know?
My 2 year old son, without a doubt.
Question 15: What problem or situation did TV / movies make you think would be common, but when you grew up you found out it wasn’t?
Quicksand. I was convinced that stuff was everywhere. Why do people like beaches?! It's a death trap!!
Question 16: What quote or saying do people spout but is complete BS?
There are so many! "Slow and steady wins the race" has always bothered me...I get the illustration but it isn't true. Well trained and properly executed wins the race. The slow one is still slow...
Question 17: What’s something your brain tries to make you do and you have to will yourself not to do it?
Eat the chocolate.
Question 18: What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?
I'm an idiot. The ways are numerous.
Question 19: If you could know the absolute and total truth to one question, what question would you ask?
This is a really big question and I don't know if I could have a question picked out. It would be to God about God, but I'm not sure which I would ask of the many questions I have for Him.
Question 20: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week?
Nothing I've read has been interesting. It's all been sad. The most "interesting" sad was that in India a mob lit some elephants on fire. It's not interesting, it's just shocking to read.
Question 21: What ridiculous thing has someone tricked you into doing or believing?
I was a gullible and imaginative child. Mermaids in the creek behind my house, gnomes in the woods ...you name it.
Question 22: If you were given a one-minute ad slot during the Super Bowl that you couldn’t sell, what would you fill it with?
Either a recipe you can make in under a minute with typical super bowl party foods (I don't know what that would be, but I would love to see people try to make it in under a minute... interactive TV!) or blank screen so the diehards freak out.
Question 23: What’s the most useless talent you have?
I can do mindless, repetitive tasks really, really fast. I can pull a dollar bill out from between stacked cups.
Question 24: What would be on the gag reel of your life?
I think I mentioned I'm an idiot, so there are plenty of face-palm moments for the audience to enjoy. But the times I've burst out laughing have mostly been with my husband or my kid and the awesomely fun things they do.
Question 25: Where is the worst smelling place you’ve been?
Science class when we were dissecting worms.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
What A Bunch Of Running Taught Me
50K=31.6 miles.
We ended up closer to 33, depending on whose watch you would look at (mine died directly at the 50K mark so it was unreliable).
I initially didn't share my intentions of running this race with many people. Those who needed to know knew. Jim, of course, and my parents, who sometimes watched my child or stuck a water bottle in their mail box during my long runs. My bosses, because I thought they should know why I was so tired, starving, or hobbling around. A couple of family members because during visits I had to explain that I had to be running for two or more hours on Saturday morning, or I couldn't eat this or that on Friday night. Every once in a while the topic came up-- "what races are you signed up for?", "doing anything fun this fall?", and as the race neared "does anyone have any prayer requests?".
Anyway, a week ago today, I started my day off shiveri
ng under a borrowed blanket from Danielle's son, waiting for the longest race of my life to start. It was a 10.5 mile loop done 3 times on trails. Mostly single track, which was definitely written in the description of the race but definitely did not register in my brain. single track, if you don't know, is literally a beaten down trail about one persons width, like the picture below.
 |
| Part of the Cunningham Lake Trail, possibly where we ran (it looks slightly familiar). |
 |
| not part of the trail we were on, but a better representation of most of it. Deep single track with no safe places to run on the sides. |
The first loop was fine, I noticed more pain in my knees than is acceptable for 10 miles because I wasn't prepare for that caliber of trail-- the trail required a lot more balance than I needed on the gravel roads I'm used to. It also had a couple of places where you needed to climb down a steep cliff-like thing, a hill where you almost had to use your hands to get up, and other crazy things I wasn't really prepared for. We also ran our extra mile in the first loop because someone directing wasn't in the right spot.
Loop two we slowed down due to some trouble for my running buddy. She rallied and I struggled through the third loop as my IT Band threatened to "snap" as it has in the past, which would have led to a non-finish. I also learned that my "wall" that runners so often claim to have-- the time in a race where all energy is lost-- is just a time when I start to cry. It isn't really motivated by being tired, or wanting to be done, or even realizing we are close to the finish line. It just meant tears for no reason. Because, you know, crying helps with proper breathing.
We finished a lot later than I anticipated and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. The goal was to finish, and we did, but it still stings to have an intended pace be completely missed. An older man helped cheer Danielle and I on during the last mile. She and I held hands at the end, crying and cheering as we crossed the finish line. The race director, at least in the pictures, looked as though we had just won the race he was so thrilled for us. We got our medals, we were handed orange julius drinks by my dad and husband (a request I had made before the race), I cried some more and hugged my kiddo.
my family and I headed back to the hotel so I could shower and then we were off to Costco. It was at Costco where I realized I was going to be more sore than I hoped for. My foot, which didn't hurt at all during the race or even the hour after, started to become painful to walk on. The next morning, I wouldn't consider how I got around "walking".
The side of my foot swelled a bit and hurt a bunch. I didn't attempt any running until Wednesday and lasted a block before I decided it wasn't a good idea. By Thursday morning I felt great and went out with my awesome friend Tanya and did a fast 4 and felt great until we were done, then I was back to hobbling. I think I am on the mend again, but tomorrows very short run will tell me how far along I've come.
So, with that recap, here is what I learned while I trained for and ran a 50K. These are in no particular order, of course.
1. It's hard not to talk about it because training for a race is like taking on a part time job. Saturday mornings were spent running. Most mornings were spent running. When people ask what you are up to, it's hard not to mention it because it becomes a part of who you are.
2. I would not do a long distance without a friend. And it would have to be a really, really good friend. Danielle and I are at similar fitness levels, though we both have our strengths and weaknesses that are different. However, if I didn't have her at my side the last lap, I may have just slipped into my car at mile 28 when we saw my family and just went home. If I had gotten that far to begin with. There is something to be said about the vulnerability and trust you gain with a running partner, and I couldn't have done this race with anyone other than Danielle.
3. People, no matter what you do, will have their opinions and jokes. One of the first things I heard when I told someone I had run a 50K was "so when is the 100 miler ?!" with a sly grin on their face. My response was "Never. I'm pretty happy being an ultra marathoner without going that far, thanks". It's just the way people react. There are plenty of people who will be encouraging and impressed, but there will always be the "commenters". On the plus side, for every "commenter" there are at least twice as many positive people.
4. This will probably never happen again. The time away from family to train, the sacrifices my family had to make on race day to cheer me on, the constant fear of injury and worrying about eating too much or too little isn't really worth it for me. I also have only run once since the race and running, as silly as it might sound to those who don't do it, is my therapy. With how difficult life has felt these past few months anyway, not being able to run has been absolutely terrible. Mornings have been hard, feeling like not waking up because I didn't have a run to go on. I have felt like dough (like squishy and warm and blobby, lol) not being able to run, my mind playing tricks on me that I suddenly ballooned in size because I'm not getting that exercise in. And not being able to joyfully play with my son without gimping around behind him isn't worth it. Maybe someday, when my kids are completely self sufficient and I need another challenge, I'll do another one. But I have no desire or excitement for that distance again. It wasn't horrible, it just isn't what I want to do right now.
5. It can be done. There was a time not too long ago I didn't think I would ever run more than 5 miles at a time. Or more than a half marathon. Or more than training for a marathon (never ran it, just trained with Danielle). But now I can say I've run an ultra, and I never thought that was possible. It's pretty dang cool what the human body can do.
6. All sorts of people do it. I saw older people, young people, people that didn't look particularly fit, people who could probably bench press me in a second and people in silly clothes.
7. Getting back to "pre-50K" life is difficult. Of course with an injury I have a bit of an extra layer. But running without needing to walk or eat is going to be a transition. Not needing all of Saturday morning to get miles in. I have some lofty fitness goals this year that I look forward to tackling, but figuring out how to get out of long distance training is going to be tough.
So there you have it. I was in a 50K race. Proud of my BFF Danielle and kind of proud of myself, too.
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
In My Own Hands
When something isn't available to me, I tend to take matters into my own hands. I am the kind of person who, given the opportunity, does something instead of waiting for someone else to do it. This isn't always the best quality to have, it feeds into my impatience and can lead to me diving into something when I should have taken a step back first.
There have also been the failures. The getting things done before they were ready, or focusing on something I had no control over type of failures. Writing a song when I was in high school and trying to push it to be published before I graduated from high school, and the painful rejection letter that followed. The time I threw away something in the kitchen I never used but Jim did. The many times I've pulled bread or cakes out of the oven before they were done or cutting them before they were cool enough.
All of the stupid, ridiculous things I did that would supposedly help me get pregnant.
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However, there have been some successes in my desire to have certain things in my life. A jazz band was born because I wanted to play with other musicians. So was a quintet. When I couldn't find a decent arrangement of a Christmas oboe and bassoon duet, I wrote one.
When I couldn't find fresh ground peanut butter locally (after falling in love at a Whole Foods in Boulder), I bought my own peanuts and made my own.
When I didn't like the streaks my floor cleaner made on my floor, I made my own.
When I decided that Febreez wasn't something I wanted in my house, I made my own "fresh smelling spray".
When I really wanted stuffed pasta but there wasn't any gluten free options, I made my own.
When the only dairy free yogurt in town kept selling out and wasn't reliably available, I started making my own.
There have also been the failures. The getting things done before they were ready, or focusing on something I had no control over type of failures. Writing a song when I was in high school and trying to push it to be published before I graduated from high school, and the painful rejection letter that followed. The time I threw away something in the kitchen I never used but Jim did. The many times I've pulled bread or cakes out of the oven before they were done or cutting them before they were cool enough.
All of the stupid, ridiculous things I did that would supposedly help me get pregnant.
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So when it seemed like we may never adopt another child again, I took our agencies "advice" to make a Facebook page because the "I'll do this myself" part of my mind took over. I fill it with the best pictures of our family, small facts that might spark any interest, and awkward videos. I pray over the site, we share it with friends and family, we even put advertising money towards it.
I didn't want to. I didn't want to advertise ourselves. It feels uncomfortable. But I've only wanted three things in my life as much as this-- to know I was saved, to marry Jim and to have our precious Josiah. I felt like I couldn't NOT do something.
In the end, I might feel like I'm taking matters into my own hands but I know better. I know who is in control and it certainly isn't me. And while sometimes His timing makes no sense to me, I have to trust that what His word says is true, that He has plans for me.
I don't know if taking matters into my own hands by making the Facebook page was a rushed decision that won't get good results, or if it's an awesome opportunity to make the right contact. Only time (and hopefully less of it) will tell. With the world continuing to go around, both the good and the band, I feel like I'm standing still. I have no other choice but to acknowledge I have no control over the situation. It's hard to have no say in something you so desperately want.
In the meantime, however, if you haven't liked our page, here is the link . Please feel free to like, comment (supposedly lots of comments looks good, so say the adoption experts at our agency who have asked us to do this), and share if you feel so inclined. I don't want to ask, I don't want to be a burden on others anymore than I already am, but I do know God works in the little things, and maybe it's a comment that catches the eye of the right person, or a share or a like. Or maybe this page will just be another something to keep me occupied while we wait for a son or daughter, a sibling and friend.
I didn't want to. I didn't want to advertise ourselves. It feels uncomfortable. But I've only wanted three things in my life as much as this-- to know I was saved, to marry Jim and to have our precious Josiah. I felt like I couldn't NOT do something.
In the end, I might feel like I'm taking matters into my own hands but I know better. I know who is in control and it certainly isn't me. And while sometimes His timing makes no sense to me, I have to trust that what His word says is true, that He has plans for me.
I don't know if taking matters into my own hands by making the Facebook page was a rushed decision that won't get good results, or if it's an awesome opportunity to make the right contact. Only time (and hopefully less of it) will tell. With the world continuing to go around, both the good and the band, I feel like I'm standing still. I have no other choice but to acknowledge I have no control over the situation. It's hard to have no say in something you so desperately want.
In the meantime, however, if you haven't liked our page, here is the link . Please feel free to like, comment (supposedly lots of comments looks good, so say the adoption experts at our agency who have asked us to do this), and share if you feel so inclined. I don't want to ask, I don't want to be a burden on others anymore than I already am, but I do know God works in the little things, and maybe it's a comment that catches the eye of the right person, or a share or a like. Or maybe this page will just be another something to keep me occupied while we wait for a son or daughter, a sibling and friend.
Friday, September 8, 2017
It's That Time Of Year Again
This is a friendly update about our second adoption journey. I don't know if it's the change of seasons, that it's been a few months for us, or that a local family was recently blessed with a son through adoption (congratulations, by the way!), but like last year, this time of year seems to grow interest in how we are doing. We are asked a lot more questions in the fall. I truly appreciate these questions, knowing that those who ask genuinely care about us.
So for those who haven't gotten around to asking, or who have gotten my short version answer of "nothing has happened yet", here is where we are at in the second adoption process.
Nothing has happened yet.
We are active with a new agency. To be honest, switching agencies has been a scary transition because they do things differently than our last agency and we don't know what to trust as being the "best" way. It's hard not to see the old agency as doing things "right" because they are what we know, and we can look at our son as proof that their system works. However, we also have an awesome God and though I sometimes struggle with not being able to see what He's doing, we have to trust that He knows what agency we're with and is with us through the wait.
Our new agency is primarily online based, so our printed profiles aren't being shown as often as they were at the previous agency, but we recently re-printed our second set. We aren't sure if this is good or not.
We are open to a child or children up to a few months old of any race with varying degrees of drug usage depending on the particular drug.
Process wise, this adoption process was easier because we knew the list of to-do's to get going so it was easy to get started.
Emotionally, this has been a harder adoption process than the first, at least for me. Most well meaning comments are "it will happen", "at least you have Josiah" and "you don't want another one right now". These aren't bad comments, but it's been hard to deal with the whole situation as it is.
The truth of the matter is it might not happen-- we might not ever have another child in our home (if, by chance, it doesn't work out for some reason, we have already paid this agency and couldn't afford to start over).
The truth is that Josiah is absolutely amazing, but a large reason behind wanting another child is so Josiah can have a sibling. Also, there are families with multiple children in the world. Would it be comforting to a mother to hear "at least you have your oldest" if your youngest didn't exist? That child, the life, is precious and so wanted, whether or not we have another one in our home.
The truth is I'm not sure I want my children close in age, but the adoption process is unpredictable. We know people who were chosen very quickly and others who have waited for years. If we don't start the process earlier than when we are ready we may be a lot later than we can handle. And my wants regarding age separation between my kids ceased to matter the minute we realized we had absolutely no control over our family planning. I will gladly welcome our next family member into our home if they are both in diapers or the age is much different.
Knowing that our future families fate is in the hands of people we have only spoke with on the phone, that we are filtered through them first before potential birth mothers even have the opportunity to consider us, is hard. It is hard to trust others with your life when you don't know them.
And it's hard to again have the Lord answering "no" and "not yet" to my prayers. It's hard to be constantly in the wait and to hear the truths that are meant to be comforting-- that He hears, that He answers, that He wants something better for us-- when they don't seem to apply. I know this isn't the case, but it is hard and I'm tired.
So, no. Nothing has happened yet. We are always hopeful that someday soon we'll get the call. We trust that God knows what's best, even if it is just a family of three. And we keep on keepin' on, because that's what we do.
Thank you for your interest in our lives, we truly appreciate the encouragement, the prayers, the well wishes and the questions. I love hearing that people read this blog, it is such a mood booster to know that people care.
We are open to a child or children up to a few months old of any race with varying degrees of drug usage depending on the particular drug.
Process wise, this adoption process was easier because we knew the list of to-do's to get going so it was easy to get started.
Emotionally, this has been a harder adoption process than the first, at least for me. Most well meaning comments are "it will happen", "at least you have Josiah" and "you don't want another one right now". These aren't bad comments, but it's been hard to deal with the whole situation as it is.
The truth of the matter is it might not happen-- we might not ever have another child in our home (if, by chance, it doesn't work out for some reason, we have already paid this agency and couldn't afford to start over).
The truth is that Josiah is absolutely amazing, but a large reason behind wanting another child is so Josiah can have a sibling. Also, there are families with multiple children in the world. Would it be comforting to a mother to hear "at least you have your oldest" if your youngest didn't exist? That child, the life, is precious and so wanted, whether or not we have another one in our home.
The truth is I'm not sure I want my children close in age, but the adoption process is unpredictable. We know people who were chosen very quickly and others who have waited for years. If we don't start the process earlier than when we are ready we may be a lot later than we can handle. And my wants regarding age separation between my kids ceased to matter the minute we realized we had absolutely no control over our family planning. I will gladly welcome our next family member into our home if they are both in diapers or the age is much different.
Knowing that our future families fate is in the hands of people we have only spoke with on the phone, that we are filtered through them first before potential birth mothers even have the opportunity to consider us, is hard. It is hard to trust others with your life when you don't know them.
And it's hard to again have the Lord answering "no" and "not yet" to my prayers. It's hard to be constantly in the wait and to hear the truths that are meant to be comforting-- that He hears, that He answers, that He wants something better for us-- when they don't seem to apply. I know this isn't the case, but it is hard and I'm tired.
So, no. Nothing has happened yet. We are always hopeful that someday soon we'll get the call. We trust that God knows what's best, even if it is just a family of three. And we keep on keepin' on, because that's what we do.
Thank you for your interest in our lives, we truly appreciate the encouragement, the prayers, the well wishes and the questions. I love hearing that people read this blog, it is such a mood booster to know that people care.
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