My Defense

 During the home study process, prospective adoptive parents are required to do a certain amount of education hours to prepare themselves for the unique challenges of adoptive parenting.  Sometimes classes are required, or videos, or conferences.  We were required to do so many hours of education through videos and books. 

As you might imagine, books that focus on the challenges of parenting can be draining and challenging to read when all you want is to become a parent.  Reading book after book that focused on only the negative and the unique to adoption problems was really difficult.  At times I was concerned we were going to ruin in our child's life simply by bringing them home.
So I turned to the internet to bring myself some comfort.  Surely there was someone out there saying that adoption was a good thing in their life, or at least something that wasn't that big of a deal.

Of course, you can guess what happened.  People who have strong opinions of opposition tend to turn to the internet to give their opinion a voice.  It's good that they have a place to bring out points that others may not have considered and I learned a lot in my time of online blogs of adults who had been adopted and of birth mothers.  Being as concerned as I was to give my future child the best life possible, I really took everything to heart.

Unfortunately, I often found myself crying at my computer, feeling worse than when I got online. 

Those who aren't involved in this world might not realize that there is such a strong anti-adoption movement.  Our rosey colored view of a baby needing a home and a couple willing to give it seems wonderful, but there are negative aspects that we may not think about.  Being removed from your biological history is a loss and potentially a traumatic event.  The stigma of being a birth mother can sometimes be a heavy burden when people aren't understanding.  Raising a child who has no similar responses or characteristics to you can be a challenge (if they zig when you would zag sort of thing).

There were some opinions that I disagreed with online but I was glad to have read them because it made me stronger in my beliefs and gave me the opportunity to think deeply about our decision.  There are those who believe that biological family is always best, regardless of circumstance and temperament.  There are those who believe that simply giving more assistance to birth parents would eliminate adoptions.  There are those who believe that those who pursue infant adoption are just rich white people waiting for the perfect baby-- and that everyone considering adoption should just adopt from the foster system.   There are people who believe adults who were adopted who are happy to have been adopted have had the "adoption kool aid". 

The following is my defense for our decision to adopt Josiah from birth.  While I know a lot of people who read this blog are supportive, it was just something I had to write, to get out. 

We know from the experiences of those close to us (some dear friends and my mom) that "just" should never be applied to foster care because it is the definition of one of the hardest life challenges.  From PTSD and RAD in children (never heard of it?  Look up reactive attachment disorder.  The severe cases are horrifying and devastating) to fighting the "system" to keep a son or daughter in their home.  It is a beautiful thing that takes a strength that Jim and I prayed over a lot and determined we weren't ready to take on (yet).

We chose infant adoption but we are not rich (we are white, but there isn't much I can do about my race) and we were never waiting for the perfect baby.  We had to get a lot of help to afford the expenses of adoption.  And when we signed up with our agency, we had to go through a list of things that we would be willing accept in an adoption situation.  Races, medical history, mental health history and drug usage during pregnancy.  We had no option on smoking, as that was a requirement to allow.  We were accepting of every race, of a lot of medical history, and more drug usage than most people have to consider when having a child (I never thought I would have to consider how much cocaine usage I would be willing to accept during the pregnancy of my child, or alchohol or meth, or any other number of drugs).

And we respect birth mothers for their decision.  I don't believe that money would have changed Josiah's birth mothers mind.  She knew that her life, not just her living circumstances currently but the world she was living in, was not the best fit for him and she made a difficult decision.  I am not opposed to more charitable giving and help to birth mothers considering adoption that results in them keeping their child, because there is of course instances when that really is all that is needed.  And being charitable is essential to the human experience.  I don't think it's helpful to a woman to tell her that if only she had a little more help when she was pregnant she may have raised her child herself, because I feel as though they make the decision on a lot of levels that can't be

"fixed" by others or charity.

And the kool aid thing just infuriates me.  How dare someone tell another person that their happiness is because they are brainwashed.  Just...a lot of anger about that one for me. 

So with that in mind we chose infant adoption and would willingly do so again in a heart beat.  Like most parents, I wanted the best life for my child from the very beginning.  We hoped to do so without the trauma of foster care life-- we wanted to give him his life from the start if we can.  And we were given the opportunity to be mom and dad from the very minute he entered the world. 

From his birth, Josiah will know he was adopted (one of his bedtime stories is his birth story, including pictures of a lot of his birth family). He will have the opportunity to meet his birth family (as much as we can maintain contact).  He is our son, no questions, for the rest of his life.  I can't imagine loving him anymore than I do.  He will grow up in our Christian home, hopefully learning a lot and becoming the man he is meant to be. 

There will always be people who are against our decisions.  When Jim and I got married at 19 and 21, or engaged a year before, or moved to where we live now, we had people against us.  It's hard to be okay with that when our decisions are so personal and so important to us, but we are okay with people being against on this one, because I am currently holding the main reason I believe 100% that this was the best decision for us and for this beautiful, amazing, curly haired little boy in my arms.