Random Thoughts On Motherhood

Noticed today that this blog has received 10,000 pageviews.  So thank you, people who were bored enough to read my online ramblings :), it's kind of humbling to see such a large number, though I'm sure some of those were my husband and I reading, though I can guaruntee I haven't read my blog 10,000 times.

I have been debating whether I should write much about motherhood on this blog.  I spent so many years of my life avoiding mommy blogs because they brought pain and jealousy and I didn't want to experience that.  I ended up leaving some really great blogs because of it.  However, many of these 10,000 views are from people concerned and interested in our adoption story, which is still ongoing and involved motherhood from this point on.  I promise not to talk solely about motherhood, but it's going to be on here.

Since grandma is currently sleeping with Josiah on her chest, I have some free time.  I should be, you know, cleaning the house and such, but what fun is that when I can instead share some somewhat sleep deprived thoughts I've had since becoming a mother.

1. Have I always burped this often, or is it the fact that 7-14 times a day I'm focused on getting a little person to burp that I am suddenly gaining this habit?  And when does it go from a praised result of vigorous patting and rubbing to something we tell our children to do quietly and say excuse me for?

2. No one is active outside at 4 AM, but at 5 the whole town is out walking or running.  Running at 4 AM is neither fun nor entertaining, but it guarantees the run gets done.  I officially feel very accomplished in the mornings when, by 8 AM, I have fed my baby twice, ran, worked out, both of us are bathed, we've read three books and are now playing on the mat.  I usually have a load or two of laundry done and some dishes going by then, too. 

3. Despite my successful mornings, my afternoons are much less active and by 4 PM Josiah and I look at each other and wonder if the rest of our lives will be on this same loop of eating, playing sleeping.  Josiah lights up when he sees his dad walk in at the end of the day.  Sick of Mom, perhaps?

4. Bodily fluids are not nearly as gross as I once thought they were.

5.  Motherhood isn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, but it's a whole lot more constant than I realized.  I mean, logically I knew that having a baby would mean I would have a baby around all the time, but for some reason I didn't really grasp that concept until he was here... all the time.  And while the motions of mothering aren't difficult at all (something I was scared about going in), filling the bottle for the 5th time that day, only to have done it a few hours before, is more tiring after a couple of months than I realized.  Of course, I have been blessed with a easy to care for baby who just wants a lot of extra attention, so I don't know the difficulties of other mothers.  But for me, it's the constant that's the hardest.

6. I miss work.  For years I thought I would want to stay home with my kids and not have a job.  But then I found a job I really liked and I miss it.  Every week I go in for a couple of hours and I miss it when I leave. 

7. But I don't want to leave Josiah with someone else.  My emotions can't be straightforward on my work because I also don't want others to get the joys of my boys smiles and milestones and I want to be the one who teaches him things.

8.  Speaking of smiles and milestones... smiles are the. freaking. best. thing. ever.

9. Curly hair is commented on 8.2 million times a day.

10. I can't handle middle of the night crying.  Maybe I'm not a patient enough mother, but Jim has to handle the unscheduled wake up calls most of the time.  The sudden wake up has me in a fog that worries me when handling Josiah and a crabby attitude that no one needs to witness.

11. Motherhood is kind of lonely.  I get out of the house often enough and make time to see people, which certainly helps a lot, but I feel more confined to my house than before.  But when visiting family or friends, feeding the baby, putting him to sleep, changing him, often means solitude.  And with schedules as they are, my time with my husband is mostly spent passing the baby back and forth through dinner.  Meaning my contact with another human is often during a time that I stuff my face.

12. I don't care what people say, I have to keep my house clean.  I'll reevaluate when Josiah reaches tornado status, but for now, my house remains clean because otherwise I can't enjoy the day.  Sorry, "if it's messy it's lived in" people-- I just can't roll that way.

13. The tired look isn't good on me.  My mantra has become "this too shall pass" with every night feeding.

14. Jim, if allowed, can sleep through anything.  Except me hitting his side to wake him up.

15. There have been nights, when I held my crying baby and cried right back and thought to myself "why did I think I could do this?"  And then, moments later, he is cuddled into my chest or gives me a big smile and I am reminded that I'm not doing it alone and he is surviving, which means I've done it so far... so I can keep going. 

16. Have I mentioned smiles?  Because seriously, guys.  Genuine smiles from a happy baby are probably the best thing in the whole wide world.  And sometimes they are even directed at me!