The Nursery Song

I never imagined having a decorated nursery.  Since babies aren't known for being art critics and toddlers don't seem to care what color a wall is as they are drawing on it with a crayon, I never saw a need.  As long as I had a room that was comfortable and had all the things babies needed, it didn't have to match or look "cute".
During our first conversation with S, she asked about a nursery.  Knowing it was important to her to see that we had a place set up and ready for baby, we set off right away to create a space that we would love and that would make her more comfortable.  Sticking with gender neutral colors and items that can be used all over the house if they survive the first few years in babies room, we have almost completed our nursery.
Only two items remain.  Our dear friend, Rosie, is writing his name in calligraphy to hang above his crib, which we won't put up until he is home as a sign of respect to the fact that we have no claim on him yet and to protect our hearts from having to take that name down if something is to change. 
And, of course, our little boy.

 

I don't know if our son will be the slightest bit interested in music, but I didn't think he would mind for the first few years of his life that I hang a special piece of sheet music on his wall.  Who knows, maybe he will learn to play this song someday, or maybe I'll hang it downstairs somewhere when we replace this sheet music with a basketball hoop or Nebraska Cornhusker fan stuff.  One of the things I look forward to most in parenting is discovering what my son enjoys and then learning all about it if it is something I've yet to have an interest in.  Unless it's bugs or snakes.  Then I will gladly support him from a safe distance.

The song, A Thousand Years by Christina Perri.  Originally on the soundtrack of a movie about a vampire love story,  this song is probably one of the first where the lyrics are equally as moving to me as the music accompanying it.

Putting aside that the song is actually very well written, the instrument choice is spot on and it is beautifully executed, the lyrics are what bring me to tears every time I hear this song.  I might be a music nerd, but I am rarely bought to tears by modern music.

The words describe how I have felt throughout the past few years as we have prayed for a child.  Every month that went by, all of the times I prayed for my baby to grow up to be a good, Godly person even when it didn't seem like we would ever have one.  When we gave all of the intimate details of our life to a stranger to prove we could be potential parents.   Every baby announcement, every time I missed a baby shower or avoided a pregnant woman.  When S chose us, when we met her in person and felt a love and respect for her and a gratitude I can't even express.  Even now, in the uncertain hope we have for less than 8 weeks from now, knowing she is committed in her decision but knowing how hard it will be for her.  Knowing how much we've wanted this, how hard it has been, and knowing the end result is the most important responsibility and greatest joy Jim and I will ever experience.


A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

The Whirlwind-iest Trip I've Ever Had

We left here Friday morning at 8 and were home by Sunday at around noon.

Between those times, we did a lot of traveling, some eating, a lot of learning, some crying (okay, so that was only me), some nervous pacing and a lot of trying to put details to memory. It took a while to process it all.  It was a surreal, great experience that might mean so much to our future son.

We met our attorney first, it was nice to meet her in person and know where we'll be signing paperwork after baby is born.  She had some frightening potential news to share with us as we were walking out the door, but otherwise it was a good visit.

We then went to an awesome Lebanese restaurant and met our hostess for February.  The woman who is going to let us take over her guest bedroom for our first couple of weeks of parenthood.  She is even more awesome in person and I don't think she realizes how much of a gift she is giving us by letting us use her home while we figure out a baby.  And she has great taste in food.

The next day was devoted to meeting S.  A tour of the hospital was scheduled, as well as lunch at a place of her choosing.  We also had ample time for conversation afterwards as well.  The hospital seemed a little less adoption friendly than we had hoped, but they were friendly enough to us and gave S a lot of attention, which is what you want from a hospital.

I did my best to commit everything I could to memory and spent the entire flight home (almost three hours) writing everything down in my "Dear (Insert name of son)" notebook.  It's important to me that if my son ever has questions that I can answer as many as possible, and I want him to know where he was born, who was born of and what he has in common with his past.

So I told him how she held herself while she was listening during the tour of the hospital, how she wore her makeup, how she dressed.  I described the hospital he'll be born in.  I described the town his mother lives in and the people in her life.

I told him the feelings I had during our visit.  How nervous I was (and how we arrived at the hospital an hour early), how I paced back and forth while we waited.  How Jim had to grab my arm to slow me down when we went to meet her at the front door.  I told him the things that were exciting, the things that scared me, and of course, how I can't wait to come back and see these people and places again, because that means he is on his way!

The highlights of the trip were--

1. Meeting S.  Seeing her in person, looking her in the eyes (and she has beautiful eyes), having open and honest conversations together.  Having Jim open the door for her.
2. Meeting some of S's family.  Shaking hands with some of the biological family of our potential son.
3. S giving us ultrasound pictures.  This is where the crying came in.
4. Hugging S before we left and hearing her confidence in her decision. 
5. Feeling confident ourselves that this is a good situation-- that we have a good connection with her, that adoption is a good decision and that with all of us in that boys corner, he's the luckiest baby being born in February.

We know that our trip was covered in prayer and positive thoughts from our friends and family.  We had no travel problems at all and overall, except thinking we lost the rental car once.  The trip was a success, and though there were some scary things to process, we are so glad we went.

Anticipation

In just a few short days Jim and I will be on a plane to Detroit, Michigan.  And a day and a half later, we will be on the return flight home.
It will be a whirlwind trip where we will not only meet S (the main reason for the visit), some of her family, our hostess for our visit in February and our attorney as well as touring the maternity ward of the hospital where S will give birth.

The word to best describe how we feel and how we have prepared for our visit is anticipation. 

While I feel what you might expect of someone in our circumstance-- nervous to meet someone new, worried she will not like us after she meets us in person, concerned her family won't like us and change their mind-- I am also just anxious and excited to meet her. 

She is giving us hope.  She has made a decision that would give us the opportunity to become parents and give us the greatest gift we have received.  She has made this decision knowing that it will cause her a great deal of pain.

We have been talking via text and some phone calls about every other day since our initial phone conversation.  We have shared pictures of the nursery as we have been preparing it and she has been so excited to see our progress.  When we named our son together I think we were both crying with how perfect the name turned out and how we all three loved it.  When we talk about our future we always seem to be on the same page.  I look at the picture of her baby bump a few times a day and am so grateful she shared it.

Someday, if all goes well, she will be family of sorts.  So while it's a little scary to meet her and be under the scrutiny of her support system, it will also be like meeting a long lost relative that you plan on keeping in our life from now on. 

We are also excited to meet the wonderful lady who we met through an organization I'm in.  After a phone conversation, she offered to let Jim and I stay in her home after the baby is born in February so we don't have to live for two weeks in a hotel room.  It's amazing and we're excited to meet her so we aren't strangers when we show up on her doorstep with a little bundle.

And meeting our attorney will be nice, as we are very grateful that we've been placed in capable hands who will handle the documents and everything legal that we need to do during a very awkward and confusing time where we would rather be focusing on our little man.

So if you are the praying type, we would appreciate you lifting us all up this weekend.  It may or may not be awkward, but this is just another thing we want to do for S and most importantly, for our future son. 

I Was The Only One

I have two older half siblings that were out of the house before I was born.  This means that I was raised as an only child, basically.  I also grew up with older parents on a llama farm outside of town, which further removed me from society... society my age, at least.

Being an only child, like any upbringing, had it's advantages and disadvantages.  I can say that having to entertain myself a majority of the time meant I practiced my instruments more and used my imagination almost constantly.  I acted more like an adult from a young age because it was all I knew-- from the first painfully awkward handshake and "howdy" I gave fellow students in preschool to discussing our financial future with my boyfriend-now-husband.  I also can now comfortably sit at home alone in silence without feeling lonely or uncomfortable.  And, being the only child meant I had my parents full and undivided attention in every way-- they attended every concert, drove me to every event, bought me everything I could need and most of the things I ever wanted.  In a word, I was spoiled.

The disadvantages change with time.  I longed for a little sister as I grew up.  Someone to love, some to protect, someone to play with on the days I didn't feel like making up another story.  And while my mom and I always got along, I think I used picking fights with her to fill the void of sibling rivalry.  It was sometimes lonely to be the only one to play with.  And not knowing how to act around other kids only created more of a gap between me and my peers.  While I grew up with friends, I longed for that best friend that loved me as much as I loved them, but never quite reached it. 

I grew out of longing for a sister early enough.  My parents were older when they had me, so the realist in me knew there was no possibility of a sibling.  So as I got older, the disadvantages to only childhood changed.  As my sisters-in-law got married, each with their sisters at their side, I was hit with a feeling of being an outsider... not a member of the sisters club.  Sometimes, when friends fade away or move on, I wish I had that sibling connection of someone who grew up with me to lean on. 

Again, I was a spoiled girl with a great relationship with my parents and a fantastic life.  So I contemplate these things for a very different reason.

If this adoption is completed come February and we bring home a son, there is a very good chance he will grow up an only child.  It wasn't something I had really considered much in my naivety, when I planned for 2 or 3 children and had them spaced the way I'd like and had the genders that I'd like in the right order.  The luxury of our daydreaming never considered the expense of our first (and potentially only) adoption putting the possibility of more children at risk.

But the reality is we can't do this again for a very long time, and when we have a son in our home I'm not sure I would want to put all of our resources towards this goal again when we would like to have some set aside for him and his future goals.  It's a sad reality that Jim and I have both had to face.  Jim has never questioned having multiple children in our home, that has always been his plan. 

I wonder if my child will appreciate being the one and only.  I wonder if he will be shy and awkward like I have been or if we will manage to socialize him enough.  I wonder if he will long for a little brother or sister to play with, or if he will feel lonely.  I wonder if feeling lonely will accentuate to him that he was adopted and further upset him.

Of course, this is coming from a woman who isn't even a mom yet.  I have no idea who my son will be and I don't want to project my feelings onto him.  But I wonder, and maybe do a bit of worrying.  I would hate if the fact that we can't have a baby and can't afford a second one was a point of pain in his life.

"My Kids"

Yesterday was National Adoption Day.  And while that topic is obviously frequently on my mind-- or more accurately, always on my mind-- something else happened yesterday that I wanted to share.

Last night, the best high school musicians from Nebraska gathered together on one stage to sing or play in the jazz band, concert band or orchestra.  Among the less than 40 clarinets on stage for the concert band, in her black and orange uniform, was Raelyn.

Raelyn has taken lessons from me for years.  So many years in fact that in my too-tired-to-think-after-a-long-drive mind I can't remember how many.  She has always been a dedicated student with a natural talent and a desire to do well. She was my first student to have made it into all state band while taking lessons.  Her parents bought me a ticket, which was amazing, and then I drove across the state with a part of her family so I could be a part of her first all state concert. 

I have had a few students make it into the state level honor bands before, but after they had moved on to other instructors or they did it completely on their own.  Genevieve and Micah were both great students that I appreciate being able to say I was a part of their musical journey, even if it was just a small one.

I have had a lot of students be very close to making it or who sport similar high honors in music.  Some of my students who didn't make it into the band made it into choir.  All have attended honor bands and all have done a fantastic job on their instruments.

I'm fortunate because my job allows me to work with hard working, talented and generally awesome kids.  I'm fortunate that I get to show kids what I love to do. 

I have the privelage of being in their lives and the responsibility that entails.  I'm sure it resonates with a lot of educators when I say that I'm exceedingly proud of "my kids".  When "my kids" have a recital, everyone knows I'm not talking about my own children putting on a show, but the kids I instruct privately, who have all taken a piece of my heart.  When I show up at music booster meetings I don't think a lot of people question my intent-- because I have a few of "my kids" in these groups. 

I have no claim to them, I can't take a lot of credit for their talent and dedication. 

I can say that during the years of desiring to have children in my home, "my kids" were a highlight to my day.  "My kids" were part of the reason I wanted to become a parent in the first place. 

I am extremely grateful for all of "my kids" and I'm so proud of all of them. 

Courtney who has a natural talent and desire to do well who rocked her first recital last year after only a few lessons.
Sammi who just made 8th grade all state band and left the audience of our last recital breathless after her piano solo.
Abigail who was the most prepared student I had for all state auditions this year and who rocked it as a high soprano in the choir.
Ashley who has learned a few pieces far too advanced for her level, simply because she wanted to.
Hayden, who bravely did her first piano recital at 5 years old.
Brenna, who went to Europe this summer and has made it her personal goal to audition for every honor band ever, it seems. 
Michael, who is the first kid I know to start school band on a second instrument and that instrument was oboe.
Ryanna, who is an alternate for the 8th grade all state band this year and who can play her chromatic scale like mad.
Chase, who has the best vibrato from a high school oboe player I've ever heard and a beautiful singing voice.
Abby, who takes lessons here and there, who sang in the choir this weekend and is going into music education.
Raelyn, who went to Europe this year, made all state and is generally kicking butt and taking names with that clarinet of hers.

You all are one of the best parts of my week.  

Communication

For the past couple of weeks I have been in the longest running text message conversation of my life and it has been with a person I have never met before.  S, as she will be called on the blog (has nothing to do with her name), the mother of my potential son, and I have been getting to know each other through a series of text messages and short phone calls.



At first, the thought of open adoption was scary because each situation is as unique as the people involved and it leaves a lot unknown until it happens.  It's scary because I am tying myself to a person I have no knowledge of for the rest of my life.  It's scary because my child will grow up not only knowing I'm not his only mother, but actually knowing the other woman to some degree.  It's scary because, even if it's minimally, she can see how I am parenting our child.  It's scary because it is something I've never done before.


It was scary but we decided to move forward right away because the experts tell us, and we could see their reasoning, that open adoption helps your child.  Open communication gets you answers, gets you medical information, potentially gets you closure.  Open communication could mean less feelings of abandonment, could mean less questioning about identity, less pain in the healing.  We know that even in a perfect situation, our child won't be guaranteed a perfect little life where being adopted doesn't bother him ever.  But, like all parents, we want our child to have as little pain as possible and to grow up healthy, reasonably happy and good people.  And even if it's awkward, even if it's scary, even if it's really hard sometimes, we're willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.  If that means sharing the title of "mother" with someone my child knows by name, I'm willing to do that for him.  Because, I think by definition, the title "mother" means that this decision should be all about him.




We didn't know what our open adoption situation would look like and honestly, we still don't.  As of right now, it is going quite well.  S and I have discussed the schooling of our son, some of her hobbies and interests, some of mine and planned a trip to visit her before the birth over a weekend in December.  The best short conversation we had was naming our son together-- she loved our first name and we asked her to pick out the middle name (which we also loved). 
When we meet in December, more pieces will be put in place. I will finally see the face that I will someday recognize pieces of when I look at my son.  I will see her pregnant belly, see the area she lives, see her mannerisms.




It might seem strange to those outside of the adoption realm that I am having regular conversations with S.  It might seem like it would be awkward or scary or strange.  It really hasn't been thus far. 


You see, S is a person.  Just like me.  She deals with dramas that perhaps I don't have to and she has made choices that perhaps I wouldn't have made.  She has made a decision I couldn't make, but she has made it for very good reasons.  But I am a sinner, and she is a sinner.  She has good qualities, and I have good qualities.  Our relationship, just like every other relationship on the planet, will ebb and flow as time goes on.  As we build trust and interest in each other it will grow and it may fade with time.  Unlike other relationships, we have one huge connection that is both the greatest joy and the greatest tragedy-- the joy of a son and the tragedy of his departure from her life.  She may need to step away for a time to heal from this.  She may need to be in more contact to see her decision was right.  Her life may go exceedingly well (as we would wish and pray for her), or she may have struggles.  We may disagree on something in the future that causes conflict.




But here we are and I am committed to doing, at a minimum, what we have agreed in pictures, emails and contact.  I would love to get to know S very well, and that she would be open to a relationship with the son we will be connected by.  I pray that I will be able to be wise in my communication with her, as sometimes it can be a bit of a gray area as to what I should and should not say.   There are certain areas of her life that we've been advised not to discuss that I would love to know more about.  There are certain things I would love for her to ask us about but don't want to put pressure on her if she doesn't want to know the answers.  I pray that I will have enough confidence in my "mommyness" that I won't become frightened by her presence.  I pray that this will be a positive part of our son's life.
And I pray every day for S, for her safety, her health and her peace, no matter her decision.  But most importantly, I pray multiple times a day for that little boy, that he will grow up to be a good and Godly man, no matter who raises him.

Half Life

November 10 is our dating anniversary. Maybe it's silly to celebrate a dating anniversary when you have a marriage anniversary, but it's something you celebrate when you are high school sweethearts and I didn't see any reason to take away a celebration just because we were adding one.

On November 10, 2001, Jim and I went on our first date.  Taco John's and a hike.  Jim's taco had a bug in it.  It was beautiful fall colors but we walked in awkward first date silence.

Before then, however, I liked him as the "boy from church" and he eventually started liking me back.  The time frame on crushes is pretty blurry, however, and does not have an official date.  If it did, you could be guaranteed I would be celebrating that, also.

I have been exclusively Jim's "girl" for half of my life.  After November 10 I will have been with Jim longer than I have been without him.

Jim and Gail when we were in high school.

I was 14 on that first date, 14 years ago.  Think about that.  Our relationship is as old as a freshman in high school.  Somewhere out there, there is a teenager who grew from a baby to a toddler to the moody person they are today while Jim and I have been learning to become one.  

Busting a move in the hallway before prom.

A youth retreat while we were dating.

Our wedding day, if you didn't guess.

Jim and I soon after our marriage.

I grew up dating Jim, so I learned how to be his wife right along with algebra and history classes.  Not to say I didn't learn plenty more after we were married or as we have changed through the years.  If you would have told me that my graphing calculator toting boyfriend of high school would be known for his long distance cycling in our late 20's I wouldn't have believed it.  I would have been in even more disbelief if you had told me I would be running 6 days a week and all about fitness.

On a date.

When Jim took me on my dream vacation!

Top of Harney Peak.

At the Salt Lake City Zoo.

In any case, half of my life has been devoted to that blue-eyed fella' who still makes me smile when he walks in a room.  He's been my best friend and confidant since my freshman year of high school.  These past couple of years have been hard with infertility stuff and adoption process stress, but our relationship has never been in question.  We're in it for the long hall and we're pretty excited to see what the next 14, 24, 34, maybe even 50 years have in store (hoping we live that long!).

At Gail's wedding-- the bride actually took this picture.