In the past few weeks, I have had a few people, without any conscious prompting on my part, admit that they weren't really sure what to say to Jim and I as we go through the waiting stage of the adoption process. I understand, as I have experienced the lack of words myself when witnessing someone else go through something difficult.
Empathy is hard. Expressing empathy is even harder. It goes against what we would do naturally. Empathy is experiencing things vicariously through someone else, usually related to something unpleasant. Empathy is feeling what a person is feeling. It's having a pain you don't want that has nothing to do with you.
I don't claim to be an empathy master. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty awful at it at times. I am also pretty bad at receiving empathy sometimes, too. Since the subject has come up within our situation, as well as a few things I've witnessed in others lives recently and in a Bible study message, I thought maybe I would share a bit about maybe how we can express empathy in a way that is respectful and loving.
First, there are some things we probably shouldn't do but tend to be the natural reaction most of us have. Personally, I tend to want to make someone feel better as quickly as possible, so my natural reaction to someone's troubles is try to tell a joke or lighten the mood. However, that isn't always what people need, and neither are the following.
1. Don't give advice, provide solutions or try to fix the problem. Unless you know the person really well and know what they are seeking. If you have a personal story or advice you think will rock that person's world, think about it and then ask if they are wanting any advice. Often times, people just want encouragement.
2. Don't use cliches or common sayings. I don't know how many times I was told if I just stopped trying to have a baby we would get pregnant. This was not helpful, encouraging, and in the end, wasn't even true. There are a lot of examples of things we just say automatically that aren't helpful. Sometimes they might even seem helpful initially, but they are just empty words that make us feel as though we have done our duty in comforting someone without actually getting our hands dirty.
This one is going to make me sound like a terrible Christian...
3. God doesn't have to be mentioned to be present. As a believer, I know that God is with me, He is hearing me, that He is in control and cares about me. Hearing it in a chipper voice when my faith is hanging on by a thread, however, isn't always helpful and can come across as fake or pushy. While I'm not saying you should never mention God while people are struggling, I think sometimes letting your actions speak can build your relationships better and ultimately glorify Him more.
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There have been times in the past couple of years when all I needed was someone to empathize with me in very simple ways. I truly believe that empathy takes a lot of bravery, but doesn't take a lot of work. I'm sure other people have different needs than me, but these things have been the most encouraging things I have received when I needed someone to care and I have never been yelled at for attempting these when I needed to empathize with someone else.
1. Do initiate. The worst part about knowing someone is going through something is sometimes that we just don't know what to say, so we don't say it. But the silence can so easily come across as lack of caring to the other person. I don't think it's necessary to talk about the situation, whatever it is, all the time. Just a card, a call, an email, a gesture that lets the person know they are on your mind can do a lot when they are feeling all alone.
2. Do ask questions. Start with "how are you?" and listen to the answer. Ask clarifying questions. Not "have you tried...?", which is more of an offering of advice than seeking information. Try to understand the situation they are in better. Having more information may help you feel what they are feeling better and therefore help you know how to proceed or what else to say. If they aren't willing to share, the worst they can do is not answer and that's okay. You didn't do anything to offend them by asking.
The sweetest question we had asked was a simple "is there anything concrete I can do to help?". For our situation, the answer is no, because it is up to a birthmother to decide and ultimately God to arrange a situation that is best for the baby. It was still a really sweet thing to ask and made us feel as though someone truly cared.
3. Do keep it simple and express your solidarity. I'm sorry this is happening. I hurt for you. I feel for you. I'm here for you. These are the comments that never offend anyone and say a lot about you. To me, it says you are willing to go through this with me, even to a small extent, and that makes me feel like I'm not the only one.
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Empathy is the action we should take when someone is struggling. However, as always, there are two sides to every coin. When we receive empathy, we should know how. I know that through this situation I have learned that I was lacking in empathy both in giving and receiving and I want to become better at both to be a better representation of what I believe in Christ.
Receiving empathy can be hard because people misunderstand what is happening, have preconceived notions, react in ways that are unintentionally offensive or sometimes it's simply that we don't know how to react to their empathy.
1. Understand the misunderstandings. Even people who have been through very similar circumstances didn't go through the exact same thing as you. They won't know your "sore spots". Sometimes, people speak from a place of ignorance without realizing their words can be damaging. Not a lot of people know about the adoption process fully, or about depression, or about losing a family member. I don't see a problem with correcting the misunderstandings. If the person means well, give them some grace and understanding that they aren't an expert on your situation or your feelings.
2.Speak up. If someone does say something that is inadvertently hurtful, you can tell them you would prefer not to hear that, or you can defend your position. If someone asks if they can help and there is way, tell them what it is. If someone is trying to be there for you and you feel comfortable with them, be as open as is appropriate.
3. Your pain doesn't negate others problems. Other people still need my empathy every day. Even on the days when I feel like crawling under a rock, other people still exist. Circumstances shouldn't dictate your kindness, gentleness, goodness, self-control or love. The benefits of this are numerous. First, it is easy when in a struggle to feel as though you don't matter-- nothing makes you see your value more than helping another person. Second, those people are getting the love they need in their situation. Third, you strengthen these traits when you practice them while it's hard to.
I'm going to continue to work on empathy in my own life in both giving and receiving. I hope someday we will be able to teach it to a kid or two, too. Because I believe empathy is one of the best ways to build strong relationships. Coming along someone in their time of need is difficult but rewarding for everyone involved.
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