Give Me A Break, Give Me A Break...

... break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!
Actually, don't.  I don't eat kit kat bars anymore, though they were a favorite of mine growing up. 

That, my friends, is what you'd call a random introduction.

I say my friends because I'm sharing this on my Facebook page, a page designed for friends specifically.  And as awkward as it feels to do this, I'm posting this on my Facebook page to let you know that I won't be visiting my Facebook page as often for a while.

On Sunday night, I deleted Facebook from my phone.  The account is still here, I plan on checking it every now and again, because I'm in charge of a couple of other pages and want to make sure I keep up with those.

Normally a Facebook or social media hiatus doesn't need to be announced, I've been on many since joining bebo years ago (I think that was the name... it was the not-so-cool myspace that no one knew about but me and a few church ladies).  However, I figured people might wonder why I'm not around "liking" things anymore and didn't want them to take offense.

I am taking a break for a few reasons.  First, it was becoming somewhat of an addiction in my life.  I could get to the app on my phone with eyes closed and I would check it multiple times a day-- sometimes out of curiosity but sometimes out of habit.  I don't like having something become second nature without taking some time to decide if it's really worth it in my daily routine.  I want to make sure it doesn't become something I just "need".

Second, I am being a terrible Facebook page manager for our church and the arts council and if I don't just go on Facebook every day it will be more intentional, which I'm hoping will spur me on to being a better steward of the pages that have been assigned to me.

Third, and this one is tricky to talk about and a little touchy feely, is sometimes there is too much happy on Facebook for me to handle.
See, I have a finely tuned news feed.  I have an exceptional group of people in my friends list and I have done some tweaking so that memes are at a minimum and my feed is simply a pleasant online experience.  My friends are witty, intelligent, positive, kind.  I like "surrounding" myself with them while online.  You all are like a warm blanket.
I love my friends.  I love their kids.  I love reading pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, good news, cute quotes from kids and anything that moves peoples lives forward.  I am filled with joy for the good stories I get to see in lives I wouldn't normally get a chance to be a part of (take my cousin in Australia, for example.  I can't exactly just walk down the street and say hi, but I can congratulate her on her recent victories as a body builder).
But these sweet things that are shared can, by no fault of my friends, feel like sugar coated daggers.

I will never get to share a pregnancy announcement on Facebook.  How stupid that after accepting that I will never experience a pregnancy, the fact that I don't get to hold a beach ball to my tummy or hold up a preggo can or write a question mark on my belly is what makes me sad.
And while I watch the tummies of my pregnant friends grow on their timelines, I am reminded that my son or daughter and I will never experience that extra nine months of bonding time together.  What this means for my baby and for the woman that gets to do that bonding breaks my heart.

I see peoples lives moving forward as they should-- sharing vacation photos, celebrating birthdays, moving up in their careers.  For the past 10 months my answer to "what's new?" has been "still just waiting". 

Listen.  I am doing my best not to complain.  It sucks to wait.  I was raised as basically an only child and a spoiled one at that.  I'm used to getting my way in a decent time frame.  I get that this process takes time... sometimes a lot of time.  I get that there will be slip ups and decisions made out of my control that will make it seem even longer.  I'm trying to see this as a temporary thing that will eventually lead to the right circumstances for our children.  I can usually conquer this impatience and jealousy for the sake of loving my friends and celebrating in their lives. 

But sometimes 3 pregnancy announcements, a birth and pictures of kids are all I see on my news feed.  And sometimes, it's not a pleasant place for me to be anymore.

So I'm taking a break.  Keep sharing all of your awesome life stuffs, because I totally expect some likes and what not when I post stuff of my kids (I may be the kind of mom who posts finger painting art on her wall, so you may have to stretch the truth a bit). 

For now, know that if I haven't liked something in a while it isn't because I don't like it in real life.  I still think you are awesome.  I'm just working on me being better at handling your awesomeness :).