Our son is two months old and eleven pounds today. He is doing well so far, though his number of bad nights continues to increase and his fussiness is increasing a bit. But, I wasn't expecting the sleeping newborn for months. I don't mind a few nights of poor sleep, but when they hit back to back, you have days like today... where I'm doing my best not to blink while writing this so I don't fall asleep mid sentence. I know that sounds like a typical new mom, the being tired, so I apologize for not being interesting.
During the past two months, having not a lot to do but hold a sleeping baby, I have had a lot of things to think through, the following is just one of them.
I don't want to wish a second away with our little blessing, but I am so looking forward to the days when he is more awake and coherent. While cuddling my mostly sleeping baby has been all I've wanted and more, and while I know he is in a pretty easy phase of babyhood, I am waiting for the days when I detect recognition in his face regularly.
Becoming a mom the way I did, I wondered what bonding with my son would be like. I worried that I would feel like I was caring for a little stranger, or that I wouldn't come to motherhood naturally because I didn't have the right hormones running rampant in my veins. I worried that nurturing would be awkward for me, that I wouldn't fall in love with him as deeply as a parent should.
Those worries were vanquished when we were chosen and were completely cleared from view the moment he was born. I have never for a second questioned Josiah being my son. I love him more than I thought was possible.
But on the rare occasions that Josiah gets a contemplative look on his face-- a furrowed brow, his eyes focused intensely on mine-- I wonder if he is trying to find his birth mothers face. On the few times that he has stared into the distance while laying on my chest, I wonder if he is remembering her faster heart beat and comparing it to my slower "runner pulse".
I have no reason to believe that Josiah isn't comfortable and bonded to Jim and I at this point. If I pick him up he almost instantly nuzzles into me, he smiles at my singing voice. He is, overall, an easy going baby and we meet his needs countless times a day, including eye contact, reading, singing, love, cuddles, etc., etc.
Yet I wonder. During our adoption preparation we were required to read a lot of books that focused on the negative aspects of adoption. This is important, because the world has a rose colored view of the process that doesn't take into account some serious flaws and concerns. But as I read, I became increasingly devastated. I turned to the internet for some comfort and was of course met with more negative experiences, opinions and stories.
So selfishly I wait. I enjoy the cuddles I have now, the longer naps, the pretty easy baby care, but I long for the moment when I can see, without a doubt, that Josiah looks at me and sees me as "mom". The first time that my arms are the only ones that bring him comfort. I look forward to that moment, because there are some moments... not very often... when, while I know Josiah is my son without a shadow of a doubt... sometimes I don't feel like he thinks I'm his mother.
Silly, maybe. Temporary, most likely. But still in my mind every once in a while. Not right now, of course, as he has a hand on either side of me and he's sleeping with complete trust on my stomach. Man, this kid is cute and has stolen my heart.
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