What Awesome Moms Have Taught Me

Early yesterday morning S, Josiah's birth mother, called to check in.  It was so nice to hear from her.  I have been sending her text messages every few days with pictures of our shared son with cute little updates about his weight or cute little antics.  She doesn't often respond, her life being busy and different than my own.  I hope so much that we can keep in contact with her, for our sons sake and because I genuinely care about S very deeply.  I may not know her well, and when we see her life I am sometimes shocked by the world she lives in and her decisions as she navigates it, but she is a part of our family in a deep way and in a way that is unlike any other person. 
Speaking with her the other morning, I was reminded of an aspect of my personal "motherhood story" that is incredibly important.  Not only is Josiah counting on me and my whole community cheering me on, but S, by choosing us, has asked me to be the best mom I possibly can be and I don't want to let her down.
I will never be a perfect mother and I have never met a perfect mother.  I have, however, had the privilege of being in contact with many great moms through the years.  And while I am not a fan at all of receiving unsolicited advice (seriously one of my biggest pet peeves), I do believe in learning from other people.  You know the words of wisdom-- if you want to be good at something, find someone who is already good at it and do what they do. 
Well, moms, I've been watching you.  From the time I was in high school to now, I have been evaluating and taking notes on how you take care of your kids.  I have noted the things that work really well, the things that don't, the things I just can't see myself doing.  But each of you reading this, if you have a kid, has impacted my own parenting.  Of course, some of you will be stronger influences than others (ahem, Mom...).
I have actually kept a list of things I have learned from other moms and I thought I would share a few of the bigger ones on the blog and say THANK YOU to all of the moms in my life who have influenced me and have essentially impacted my sons life through that.

1. Be calm.  I was born to older parents, as was Jim.  We may not be the most exciting couple in the world, but we are pretty calm under crisis.  I think it's partially from being raised in the calmer environment of older parents who weren't always on the go.  But who knows what it really is.  All I know for sure, is I am always in awe of calm mothers.  I am in awe of calm mothers of children who follow suite and play quietly while Mom does something else.  I am in awe of calm mothers who let their child have a crazy, throw-things-around-the-house kind of play without having a panic attack about it.  I've never seen a calm mom fly off the handle and yell something she'll regret.  Calm moms just seem happier.  The less stress, the better.

2. This too shall pass.  I think every mom I respect has made a comment at some point or another about a hard age to raise children.  It could be the terrible twos, the nights when they aren't sleeping, etc., but they all say "I remember the days when...".  Every stage passes and has it's highs and lows.  Infants are wonderful to cuddle and love but someday I don't have to worry about never sleeping again on account of feedings, because eventually, he will be able to sleep through the night without a bottle.  It'll pass, and I can hold out until it does.

3. Other mom's have experienced this.  When I find Josiah melting down in a grocery store (note I say when, not if, though we will be working hard on being respectful in public, I know the chances are high) I will remind myself that other women have been in that same position, likely other women who are within earshot.  Instead of letting embarrassment drive my emotions to become less than calm (see number one), I hope that I can take comfort in knowing that my child isn't the only one that has thrown a tantrum, or whatever "fun" thing he does in the future.

4. Take time for my spouse. I think the absolute best parenting I've seen in my life has been team work between a mom and a dad.  Though Josiah is my son for life, he will eventually not be living under the same roof as us.  I want to enjoy those years as much as we have enjoyed our marriage so far.  Jim is still a top priority. 

5. Remain myself.  I am not a parenting saint like my own mother.  While I know she enjoys reading and gardening, she dropped everything for me my whole childhood.  I don't know how she kept her sanity being as selfless as she was for so many years, but I know that if a few of my needs aren't met I am no good to anyone.  I have had to adjust aspects of my life to fit this new role and have to be more lenient because Josiah is always more important, but, I still get a run in 6 days a week, I still get a walk in (usually with him) most days and I still practice my instruments.  I plan on returning to work a couple of days a week because I feel connected to the community through my job and I love what I do.  I am so grateful to my mom that when I look back at my childhood I remember her as mom above all else.  I would have loved to know more about her, though, too, and I would like my son to recognize that I might be "mom" but that I'm also a person.

6. Stay healthy.  It might be tempting to drown my exhaustion in chocolate (which I may or may not have done a few times) but at the end of the day, I function better and am able to sleep and be awake better when I'm eating healthy and getting outdoor time.  One mom I know has been careful to eat healthy through many kids and it has rubbed off on them... I have never seen kids who love vegetables like hers and hate sweets!

7. I'm not his friend, but we can get along.  I'm mom.  He's not going to like it when I discipline him.  But I'm doing it to make him a better man.  That doesn't mean, however, that I have to be disciplinarian all the time and never have fun with him.  I have seen the "friend" parent, I have seen the "strict" parent, and I have seen the wonderful in between that I hope we can find in our relationship.

8. Apologize when I mess up.  Because I won't remain calm at all times, I will be selfish or embarrassed or angry.  Watching one dear friend apologize to her teenage daughter after a minor negative conversation showed me how important it is to let your child know that you know you make mistakes, too. 

9. Teach him everything I can.  Even though it might be annoying, everything is a learning opportunity and I can't rely on anyone else to teach him everything I hope he will know. 

10. Don't get caught up in what the world requires.  Josiah was born 5 weeks early.  At two months, babies are supposed to be doing certain things.  I think Josiah is in the norm for everything, but let's be honest here.  Some people are tall, some are short.  Some are thin, some are large.  Some are intelligent, some aren't.  It's not the end of the world if my baby isn't waving "bye bye" at the appropriate age.  While I will work to these goals, I'm not going to stress if we don't reach them on time.

11. Pray for him constantly.  Because it doesn't matter how hard I work at being a great mom, this world is fallen and he will experience pain.  He already has a different beginning than many his age.  I can't control his environment or his personality or things of that nature.  But God does amazing things and I can ask Him every day on behalf of my son.