Let It Ring

I stared at the reflective screen of my phone.  I was holding it in my lap during church, facing up, like I do every Sunday.  It's a calculated move, a decision made months ago.  I want to be able to see the screen, because it lights up just before it starts to ring.  I keep it on my lap so if it does ring, I am ready to answer the moment it does, so the ring tone doesn't distract anyone else in the service.

I hit the power button once, so that a cute picture of my son lights up the blackened screen for a moment.  I do this multiple times a day.  Just in case I happen to miss the call I am so desperate to receive, I will sometimes check the call log and my email.  

In a moment of transition between someone speaking and the worship team, I run over the plan again in my head.  If we would've gotten the call in that moment, I knew exactly what I would have done.  I have daydreamed and planned and prayed for the moment continuously for months, so everywhere I go, I have the "drop everything and run" plan in place.  From the grocery store to work to the middle of nap time at home.  I know how I will tell people, I know who I will call first, I know what questions I will ask, I know where every item I want to pack is and I am pretty sure I can go from hanging up the phone to completely ready to go, ready to abandon our house and have our dog sitter alerted, ready to change my life forever, within 20 minutes.

During the prayer during the church service, I let my eyes slide open as I stare at the screen again.  Let it ring, I pray.  Let it be now.  The waiting is really hard.  I am ready.  

We leave the church and drive home to our almost perfectly cleaned home.  It looks like it's about to go on the market with how clean I keep it these days.  Our laundry never goes more than a day or two, our dishes are always clean and put away.  I would hate to leave our house a mess for my student who plans on living here to take care of our pets while we are away.

In the afternoon, I prepared freezer meals.  It's for this upcoming month, but I hope that they will come in handy when we come home with our family a little larger.

In the evening we went on a family walk, my phone sticking out of the stroller's cup holder.  We talked about history and our lives while Josiah sat contentedly in front of us, watching the world go by.  I was almost 100% in the moment, enjoying my life with my child and my husband.  But I glanced at the phone every now and again, willing it to ring.

I went to sleep with the prayer in my heart.  Bright and early Monday morning I laced up my running shoes and the moment my foot hit the pavement, the prayer began again.

Sometimes the prayer is sophisticated, referencing scriptures about answered prayer and good things for his people and miracles God has already done.  Sometimes I pray it out loud to the crisp morning air, not feeling the slightest bit embarrassed when I run past someone who hears me "talking to myself".  Sometimes it's a teary whisper and the only word is "please".

On my days off from work I fill our time with outings and games and the new obsession in our house-- cars.  I play with matchbox cars on our basement floor, I clean the house when Josiah is distracted enough for me to slip away.  No matter what room I am in, the phone is nearby, it's ring tone as loud as it can be.  Sometimes, my mom will call and my heart will skip a beat.  Sometimes it will be a telemarketer from another state and it will skip two.  I catch myself watching Josiah play by himself on the living room floor and wonder what kind of brother he will be, so I pray again.

I'm back to taking a break from most social media, because many of my lovely friends have baby bumps or birth stories to talk about.  It's wonderful news and I rejoice for them and then I send up my prayer again.

I am sometimes filled with hope, knowing that all things are possible through Christ, and sometimes filled with sorrow, because those things have yet to pass and there are no guarantees that they will.  I am sometimes distracted just enough that it isn't at the front of my mind, but it's always there.  So I pray.

Let it ring, Lord. Let it be now.  The waiting is really hard.  I'm ready.  

The Power Of Giving

I opened the mail box.

It was my birthday, so I half expected a card amidst the bills and flyers.  Instead, I found an envelope with a check from our church inside-- an anonymous donation had been given to the church to go towards our second adoption.

I was already sniffling from a cold I contracted while in Cheyenne the week before (side story! Stuck at the Cheyenne mall while my car had repairs done, we played for hours in the children's play area.  Josiah was at first scared of the tunnels, so I crawled through them with him.  I was the only adult willing to do this, resulting in all of the germs of all of the little visitors to rub off on my adult body.  Hence, a cold a week later.), but I sniffled a little more as I cried over this check.

In all of my years as a church-going Christian, I don't remember hearing a lot of sermons (if any) on the topic of how to accept gifts.  I remember being told to be grateful, but when it came to giving and receiving I was told to be generous, give to others, focus on sharing.  Until our first adoption I never had to think about it-- we were usually on a giving end.

If you have ever wondered while you anonymously gave to someone if your donation meant much... or if you have ever received help from someone else... ours is a story about what can happen with the kindness of others.  Your generosity, large or small, can change lives.  Receiving that generosity can change yours.

When we decided we wanted to adopt, we knew that having a child in our arms was more important than our pride and knew we couldn't do it without other people.  We stepped out on a limb asking for funds, something I had never done.  It was scary and at first, a little embarrassing.

But then I felt an overwhelming blessing to know that people were willing to sacrifice, be it a small or large amount, for my husband and I to become parents.   Before then, it was easy for me to feel as though I didn't matter much to those around me, that I was easily overlooked.  But there I was, with people investing in my future.

Knowing the process a little better, we chose a new agency with our second-- we do more grunt work and have to pay less.  Something we feel comfortable doing now that we've been through it.  Thanks to an adoption tax credit, our savings, donations and a refund, we were able to almost break even the first time.
We decided, being so close to the last adoption, we really didn't want to ask others for help a second time.  We were able to borrow the funds necessary from my parents and have been saving diligently to pay them back.  Even though it was a sum less than the original, it is still a larger sum than we would ever have just "lying around",

Without even asking, we've had sweet gestures.  Ranging from large to small, monetary to not.  We've had people share our profile on their Facebook pages (multiple times, even!), to offering to drop everything and accompany us to wherever the birth happens so we have someone who can care for Si while we navigate the hospital.

I'm not sure, really, how I am supposed to respond other than with simple gratitude, which is all I can give, really.  In every way I can I will pay these generous acts of kindness forward.  In every way I can I will instill the same generous spirit in my children.  I will be the very best mom I can be to give the most value to your investments.

And I will say thank you, again and again (I know this isn't my first time expressing my gratitude and it won't be my last).

Without the generosity of others, I wouldn't be a mom right now.  If you want to talk about changing someone's life, going from not a parent to a parent is pretty major!

So with that, I encourage you all to go out and give to those around you.  Offer your help, offer your time, give some money to those who need it.  It changes lives.  It changed mine!