So many things have changed but one remains the same.
I was 19 years old. I had just graduated from college with a degree I wasn't sure what I could do with. I knew I liked music but didn't know if I was really any good or if it would ever serve a purpose in my life. I was unsure what the future would hold, not knowing much about the adult world. I had an optimistic outlook though, and assumed everything I thought life was supposed to be would fall into place-- we would get jobs, buy a house, have babies, the white picket fence in our front yard would never show it's age.
I didn't know a lot and I was unsure about the rest-- except for one thing.
We were married for two weeks and settling into our new normal. We made pancakes because that's what we ate on our honeymoon that we thought was delicious. I was going to job interviews and handing in resumes all over town hoping for a job before school started for him. We stood at the stove, both staring at the chicken because it was the first time either of us had cooked chicken. We walked through WalMart together, counting our dollars and pennies and sticking to a strict and mandatory budget. We ate macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles and rushed home on Thursday nights to watch The Office.
Everything was new and we were learning everything together. I still didn't know a lot-- except for one thing.
We moved to Nebraska. To a town we knew nothing about and knew no one. We put an offer on our first house. We grew as people, finding new hobbies and interests, getting involved in what was important to us. We learned that things don't always come easy. We experienced death, loss and the loss of something that we never even had. We fought to expand our family harder and longer than I thought we could. We jumped through hoops and signed on every dotted line. We held hands, we held our breath... and we held our son.
We learned some harder lessons and sometimes I was less sure than I had ever been-- except for one thing.
15 years ago I started dating a boy with the intention of marriage. 10 years ago, at 19, I walked down the aisle of a small church in South Dakota wearing a white dress, knowing that one thing. I knew, for a fact, without a single doubt, that I was supposed to be Jim's wife. I walked down that aisle with full confidence that I was doing God's will.
So here is to the one who has been in my life since I was 14. Here is to the one who learned with me, grew with me, cried with me and put up with me. Here is to my husband and the 10 years we've had with rings on our fingers. Here's to a many more.
Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart.
Monday, December 19, 2016
Saturday, December 3, 2016
16 For '16
The year 2016 probably won't be remembered as the best year. A lot of people have really, really struggled this year. From a world level, a national level and personal level, there have been deaths, tragedies, and major negative events.
But as I reflected on 2016 from a personal level, I had a lot to be grateful for. So, for my list loving friends, I am sharing a list of 16 things I'm grateful for in 2016. This list is in no particular order. Though I plan on a couple of more posts before the years end, I want to wish you all a Very MERRY Christmas and Happy New Year!
1. 1:03 AM January 8, a little boy entered the world and I was given permission by the woman who gave him life to be his mother. Feeling his warm, 4 pound body on my chest under my shirt was the greatest moment of joy.
2. I met Miss Monica Mercer. After our little boy was born, we got to experience the humbling and amazing gift of someone allowing us to live in her home. With a newborn. After meeting us only once. And not asking for a thing in return. To meet someone as giving as that in a time of need is nothing short of a Godsend.
3. My parents moved to Ogallala. After living with us for a while and going back and forth to Nevada, they moved into their own, beautiful home across town and it has been a huge blessing to have them in nearby to watch our little boy grow. Watching my dad with Josiah has been amazing. I have never seen my dad interact with a baby quite like he does Josiah and it makes me so happy. And my mom is a great, spoiling grandma and I am so, so grateful for her willingness to be grandma-daycare and to help me to raise our son in the best way possible.
4. One of my running partners quickly became one of my closest, go to "mom friends". I'm grateful for Tanya and her love for me and my kiddo. There have been a couple of times when she bailed me out when I don't think a lot of others would or could have. I only wish I could return the favor.
5. Josiah officially became a Parrish! With all of the legalities out of the way, we took a deep breath and just enjoyed being a family. There really isn't much of a better feeling than finally having everything in order on something so incredibly important.
6. Two of my talented students represented Western Nebraska in the All State band performance. Through a difficult audition process, they showed their talent to be selected into this select group of musicians. I couldn't be more proud of my students and can't wait to see where music takes these girls.
7. I got to watch Gilmore Girls with Danielle. It's been a few years since she's moved away, but my BFF still makes time for me-- even with her two kids and busy schedule. I am so grateful that she was willing to meet me and binge watch a show and binge eat allthefood.
8. I went back to work. After a super long maternity leave (that I worked an hour or two a week through), I finally returned to the music store. While leaving my little man to go to work can be hard sometimes, I love the store and the people I work with and for
9. I ran my most miles ever in one week when we got back with Josiah and never stopped. It somehow just happened that I hit a 40 mile week after we returned with Josiah. Every morning I woke up and ran as far as the time would allow because I didn't know how this running with a newborn thing was going to work out-- I assumed there would be mornings when I wouldn't get out the door. I tend to hate to lower the bar after I've set it, so I have stuck to that mileage almost every week since. Even though it means 4 AM wake up calls and running completely in the dark.
10. I discovered freezer meals. I love to cook, but we're in a season where spending an hour in the kitchen prepping dinner just isn't a possibility for me every night. So instead, I do one major grocery trip, come home and spend about 3 hours prepping the vegetables and putting the meals together. I throw most of them in large ziploc bags then into the crockpot the morning of. It has been great to have good meals at night without any prep during the day.
11. Jim and I celebrate 10 years of happy marriage. This hasn't happened yet (December 23rd!) but we have a weekend getaway planned (our first night leaving our little boy with the grandparents!) to Colorado for a "mega date night" with an IMAX movie experience, a swanky dinner and a fancy hotel.
I'm always and forever grateful for my husband, for meeting him when I did and for our journey so far together. He is the better half of us.
12. Every single time Josiah falls asleep on my shoulder, nuzzles into me, prefers me over someone else (I know that's horrible, but that is such a great feeling! The feeling of being mommy!), laughs at me or smiles because I enter a room.
13. The babies firsts. You knew this was coming, a list full of Josiah, right? Well, watching him take his first steps (!), his first time wearing shoes, his first pair of mittens... pretty much anytime we say "awwww!!" and rush for the camera. These things make my heart soar.
14. Visiting Colorado. We visited Colorado a couple of times this year. Once we visited family while my parents took a train ride through the mountains and once we went to Boulder just for a weekend getaway. We love the mountains and having a fun city to drive to that can be done in a day.
15. I got to play oboe and english horn in the pit orchestra for the high school in "My Fair Lady". I had never played an english horn before, so it was a lot of fun to have a new instrument challenge. It was also a lot of fun to watch the talented kids perform. I love pit orchestra music with multiple instruments. It's the perfect kind of challenge that I love to participate in.
16.Lastly, I am grateful for goals. I have a few for the next year that I look forward to taking on. I want to continue to strive to slow down my schedule so I can enjoy every second with my family, to limit my possessions so I can fully enjoy my home and to continue to improve my diet so I can have the maximum amount of (much needed!) energy. I also hope to take on the handstand this year (it will happen!) and my best friend and I are considering an ultra marathon to celebrate both being 30. And as those who read this blog know, I'm also hoping to have the added joy and challenge of a second child in our home.
But as I reflected on 2016 from a personal level, I had a lot to be grateful for. So, for my list loving friends, I am sharing a list of 16 things I'm grateful for in 2016. This list is in no particular order. Though I plan on a couple of more posts before the years end, I want to wish you all a Very MERRY Christmas and Happy New Year!
1. 1:03 AM January 8, a little boy entered the world and I was given permission by the woman who gave him life to be his mother. Feeling his warm, 4 pound body on my chest under my shirt was the greatest moment of joy.
2. I met Miss Monica Mercer. After our little boy was born, we got to experience the humbling and amazing gift of someone allowing us to live in her home. With a newborn. After meeting us only once. And not asking for a thing in return. To meet someone as giving as that in a time of need is nothing short of a Godsend.
3. My parents moved to Ogallala. After living with us for a while and going back and forth to Nevada, they moved into their own, beautiful home across town and it has been a huge blessing to have them in nearby to watch our little boy grow. Watching my dad with Josiah has been amazing. I have never seen my dad interact with a baby quite like he does Josiah and it makes me so happy. And my mom is a great, spoiling grandma and I am so, so grateful for her willingness to be grandma-daycare and to help me to raise our son in the best way possible.
4. One of my running partners quickly became one of my closest, go to "mom friends". I'm grateful for Tanya and her love for me and my kiddo. There have been a couple of times when she bailed me out when I don't think a lot of others would or could have. I only wish I could return the favor.
5. Josiah officially became a Parrish! With all of the legalities out of the way, we took a deep breath and just enjoyed being a family. There really isn't much of a better feeling than finally having everything in order on something so incredibly important.
6. Two of my talented students represented Western Nebraska in the All State band performance. Through a difficult audition process, they showed their talent to be selected into this select group of musicians. I couldn't be more proud of my students and can't wait to see where music takes these girls.
7. I got to watch Gilmore Girls with Danielle. It's been a few years since she's moved away, but my BFF still makes time for me-- even with her two kids and busy schedule. I am so grateful that she was willing to meet me and binge watch a show and binge eat allthefood.
8. I went back to work. After a super long maternity leave (that I worked an hour or two a week through), I finally returned to the music store. While leaving my little man to go to work can be hard sometimes, I love the store and the people I work with and for
9. I ran my most miles ever in one week when we got back with Josiah and never stopped. It somehow just happened that I hit a 40 mile week after we returned with Josiah. Every morning I woke up and ran as far as the time would allow because I didn't know how this running with a newborn thing was going to work out-- I assumed there would be mornings when I wouldn't get out the door. I tend to hate to lower the bar after I've set it, so I have stuck to that mileage almost every week since. Even though it means 4 AM wake up calls and running completely in the dark.
10. I discovered freezer meals. I love to cook, but we're in a season where spending an hour in the kitchen prepping dinner just isn't a possibility for me every night. So instead, I do one major grocery trip, come home and spend about 3 hours prepping the vegetables and putting the meals together. I throw most of them in large ziploc bags then into the crockpot the morning of. It has been great to have good meals at night without any prep during the day.
11. Jim and I celebrate 10 years of happy marriage. This hasn't happened yet (December 23rd!) but we have a weekend getaway planned (our first night leaving our little boy with the grandparents!) to Colorado for a "mega date night" with an IMAX movie experience, a swanky dinner and a fancy hotel.
I'm always and forever grateful for my husband, for meeting him when I did and for our journey so far together. He is the better half of us.
12. Every single time Josiah falls asleep on my shoulder, nuzzles into me, prefers me over someone else (I know that's horrible, but that is such a great feeling! The feeling of being mommy!), laughs at me or smiles because I enter a room.
13. The babies firsts. You knew this was coming, a list full of Josiah, right? Well, watching him take his first steps (!), his first time wearing shoes, his first pair of mittens... pretty much anytime we say "awwww!!" and rush for the camera. These things make my heart soar.
14. Visiting Colorado. We visited Colorado a couple of times this year. Once we visited family while my parents took a train ride through the mountains and once we went to Boulder just for a weekend getaway. We love the mountains and having a fun city to drive to that can be done in a day.
15. I got to play oboe and english horn in the pit orchestra for the high school in "My Fair Lady". I had never played an english horn before, so it was a lot of fun to have a new instrument challenge. It was also a lot of fun to watch the talented kids perform. I love pit orchestra music with multiple instruments. It's the perfect kind of challenge that I love to participate in.
16.Lastly, I am grateful for goals. I have a few for the next year that I look forward to taking on. I want to continue to strive to slow down my schedule so I can enjoy every second with my family, to limit my possessions so I can fully enjoy my home and to continue to improve my diet so I can have the maximum amount of (much needed!) energy. I also hope to take on the handstand this year (it will happen!) and my best friend and I are considering an ultra marathon to celebrate both being 30. And as those who read this blog know, I'm also hoping to have the added joy and challenge of a second child in our home.
Saturday, November 12, 2016
A Post Adoption Mini Series: Post 4: More Kids
The last of the mini series before I take a break from boring you with adoption related blog posts :). Not that I have a lot else to write to you that would excite you, but hey, at least you know a break is coming!
When I had the luxury of daydreaming about my future family, carefully imagining the perfect age to have children, how many, which order, that sort of thing, I always had a clear image in my head. I imagined myself wearing a white or pink sundress in a well manicured back yard, serving pink lemonade at a tea party for a beautiful little girl that looked just like Gail (Jim's little sister) while Jim read the paper in the distance on a lawn chair. Every once in a great while he would be playing catch with a little boy.
This image is so unrealistic that it cracks me up. The Parrish's with a well manicured back yard? Three dogs and lazy lawn care habits ensure that will never happen. Me in a white sundress is pretty unrealistic as I avoid wearing white and sundresses in general. Jim lounging out reading the newspaper is probably the most unrealistic thing in the whole picture... I don't think I've ever seen him read a paper in the 15 years we've been together.
And of course, I now have a cute little boy who doesn't look much like us and is way too cute.
I have already written a post about our decision to seek another adoption. At first it didn't seem like that would happen because the expense of the first one kind of made it seem impossible. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted more than one, anyway. Not until I saw how the first one went.
The first time Josiah smiled at me and recognized me as mama in a visible way, I was hooked. I knew that motherhood was for me and our hearts and home have room for at least one more little one. Giving Josiah a sibling and a big brother to that sibling would be such a blessing.
I thought maybe after having the first child in our home I wouldn't have that deep desire anymore. I thought it would be quenched by motherhood but this second time around is just as strong if not stronger. I not only want to be a mom again for myself and my husband but for our son, I've seen how much of a blessing adoption can be and I know now that I can actually be a mom (I worried a lot about that before Josiah).
It's scary going the private route without an agency. The likelihood of placement is much lower and the chances of a scam are higher. It's scary knowing that there are people who prey on adoptive parents. It's scary to know that there are people who prey on young pregnant women and try to rope them into adoption even if that isn't their choice. It's scary that these things happen that will forever alter a child's life. But when it is right, it is beautiful.
Though this road has been filled with unexpected problems, it is one worth going down a second time.
And with that, I wish you all a happy National Adoption Month. If you are at all interested in adoption in your life, please reach out to those you know who have done it. Learn everything you can about it and decide if it is right for your family. If you have never considered it and are in a position where it is a possibility, consider it for just a moment. You might surprise yourself. And it's completely, 100% okay if you decide it's not for you.
When I had the luxury of daydreaming about my future family, carefully imagining the perfect age to have children, how many, which order, that sort of thing, I always had a clear image in my head. I imagined myself wearing a white or pink sundress in a well manicured back yard, serving pink lemonade at a tea party for a beautiful little girl that looked just like Gail (Jim's little sister) while Jim read the paper in the distance on a lawn chair. Every once in a great while he would be playing catch with a little boy.
This image is so unrealistic that it cracks me up. The Parrish's with a well manicured back yard? Three dogs and lazy lawn care habits ensure that will never happen. Me in a white sundress is pretty unrealistic as I avoid wearing white and sundresses in general. Jim lounging out reading the newspaper is probably the most unrealistic thing in the whole picture... I don't think I've ever seen him read a paper in the 15 years we've been together.
And of course, I now have a cute little boy who doesn't look much like us and is way too cute.
I have already written a post about our decision to seek another adoption. At first it didn't seem like that would happen because the expense of the first one kind of made it seem impossible. I wasn't entirely sure I wanted more than one, anyway. Not until I saw how the first one went.
The first time Josiah smiled at me and recognized me as mama in a visible way, I was hooked. I knew that motherhood was for me and our hearts and home have room for at least one more little one. Giving Josiah a sibling and a big brother to that sibling would be such a blessing.
I thought maybe after having the first child in our home I wouldn't have that deep desire anymore. I thought it would be quenched by motherhood but this second time around is just as strong if not stronger. I not only want to be a mom again for myself and my husband but for our son, I've seen how much of a blessing adoption can be and I know now that I can actually be a mom (I worried a lot about that before Josiah).
It's scary going the private route without an agency. The likelihood of placement is much lower and the chances of a scam are higher. It's scary knowing that there are people who prey on adoptive parents. It's scary to know that there are people who prey on young pregnant women and try to rope them into adoption even if that isn't their choice. It's scary that these things happen that will forever alter a child's life. But when it is right, it is beautiful.
Though this road has been filled with unexpected problems, it is one worth going down a second time.
And with that, I wish you all a happy National Adoption Month. If you are at all interested in adoption in your life, please reach out to those you know who have done it. Learn everything you can about it and decide if it is right for your family. If you have never considered it and are in a position where it is a possibility, consider it for just a moment. You might surprise yourself. And it's completely, 100% okay if you decide it's not for you.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Post Adoption Mini-Series, Post 3: A New Faith
Note: This post has been revised and postponed numerous times because being open about lapses in faith and admitting to incorrect beliefs is embarrassing to a lifelong Christian. But, part of the reason I did this series was for this very post, so please be understanding as you read the following.
I have been a Christian all of my life. I can't remember a time when I wasn't aware and accepting of God's grace in my life. Faith has always played an important roll in my life. Christ has always been a part of my day.
My life was pretty calm. I never experienced a major illness or trauma that would shake my faith. While I am incredibly grateful to have had the carefree faith of someone whose life was stable for the most part, I admit that because my faith wasn't tested I developed some untrue beliefs. Nothing earth shattering or so terribly wrong that I would question my faith, but little secondary beliefs that I didn't really realize I had until they were exposed under pressure.
1. I believed that everything eventually turned out the way I wanted. To be quite honest, most of my life through my mid twenties, everything pretty much happened the way I wanted it to eventually. Sometimes the timing would be a bit off or one experience or another would deviate from the picture I had in my head, but typically things worked out. When I wanted something I worked hard towards it and it typically happened. Through parents who supported me in music to finding my soul mate at 14, I really never questioned that things would work out for me eventually.
Because of this, when we started to get serious about having children, I expected God to respond. When He didn't, I made excuses for Him. He was waiting so we would have a spring baby like I always wanted. He was waiting until my friends became pregnant so there wouldn't be a strain on our relationship. He was waiting until certain stars aligned. There wasn't anything really permanently wrong, it was just His timing.
2. I believed there was nothing wrong because we did what was right. Jim and I were "good kids" who waited until we were married. While there are blessings by making this choice in our lives for sure, there was some unwritten rule in my mind that because we had obeyed, we would be "shoe ins" for fertility. Because we waited when we were supposed to, when we were ready to have kids we simply would. For most of my life, until just the past few years through meeting many couples who have struggled with infertility, I just assumed that people got married and had kids.
While we had talked about adoption even in our dating days, it being our only option never crossed my mind.
3. When I finally realized that God wasn't directing our lives down that path, another belief I have secretly held on to surfaced. If you are sincere enough, desperate enough, God will answer your prayers. After all, those are the stories you hear the most. Even in the Bible (read how Samuel came to be) we read again and again of people who fall to their knees in complete despair and God grants them a desire of their heart. So I fasted. I prayed out loud, standing in my closet. There were times I would find myself crying so hard I didn't have tears left, so I would be simply gasping for air, hugging my knees in the corner. I was desperate, I was sincere. I would have done anything. But God was still silent.
These were all beliefs that I knew weren't correct. I knew God didn't just grant you what you wanted, even if you were a "good person" or if you were "sincere" enough. But because of the examples I had in my own life, these beliefs were in the back of mind, sometimes giving me hope and other times blinding me from the truth.
The truth was that God does all things for the good of His people. The truth is that God is all knowing and I am not. The truth is that God has his hand on every thread in the tapestry that is this world and he weaves them all together at just the right time. The truth is God had Josiah in mind for us.
Instead of giving me the little girl I always imagined, instead of surrounding me with the army of help I thought I would want the first few weeks of my child's life, instead of giving me what I desperately begged Him for, He said "wait, I have something better".
He gave us a heart for adoption, he gave us a heart for birth mothers and he provided us with a son. He provided us two weeks of bonding with him in some of the scariest circumstances so that when we got home we would be confident. He gave us a son whose birth mother is someone we care deeply for. Even small things I wouldn't have thought of were provided for us. And this kid is way cuter than what we could have come up with.
God doesn't always answer all of our prayers with a yes or a miracle. I learned a lot through our time of waiting. I recognized these silly beliefs that weren't true. My heart opened more, my life forever changed. While I would never wish a trial on anyone... if you are reading this and going through something that makes you feel desperate or that God isn't answering... I hope you will wait, and I hope He will show up His plans are better. Because God is good.
I have been a Christian all of my life. I can't remember a time when I wasn't aware and accepting of God's grace in my life. Faith has always played an important roll in my life. Christ has always been a part of my day.
My life was pretty calm. I never experienced a major illness or trauma that would shake my faith. While I am incredibly grateful to have had the carefree faith of someone whose life was stable for the most part, I admit that because my faith wasn't tested I developed some untrue beliefs. Nothing earth shattering or so terribly wrong that I would question my faith, but little secondary beliefs that I didn't really realize I had until they were exposed under pressure.
1. I believed that everything eventually turned out the way I wanted. To be quite honest, most of my life through my mid twenties, everything pretty much happened the way I wanted it to eventually. Sometimes the timing would be a bit off or one experience or another would deviate from the picture I had in my head, but typically things worked out. When I wanted something I worked hard towards it and it typically happened. Through parents who supported me in music to finding my soul mate at 14, I really never questioned that things would work out for me eventually.
Because of this, when we started to get serious about having children, I expected God to respond. When He didn't, I made excuses for Him. He was waiting so we would have a spring baby like I always wanted. He was waiting until my friends became pregnant so there wouldn't be a strain on our relationship. He was waiting until certain stars aligned. There wasn't anything really permanently wrong, it was just His timing.
2. I believed there was nothing wrong because we did what was right. Jim and I were "good kids" who waited until we were married. While there are blessings by making this choice in our lives for sure, there was some unwritten rule in my mind that because we had obeyed, we would be "shoe ins" for fertility. Because we waited when we were supposed to, when we were ready to have kids we simply would. For most of my life, until just the past few years through meeting many couples who have struggled with infertility, I just assumed that people got married and had kids.
While we had talked about adoption even in our dating days, it being our only option never crossed my mind.
3. When I finally realized that God wasn't directing our lives down that path, another belief I have secretly held on to surfaced. If you are sincere enough, desperate enough, God will answer your prayers. After all, those are the stories you hear the most. Even in the Bible (read how Samuel came to be) we read again and again of people who fall to their knees in complete despair and God grants them a desire of their heart. So I fasted. I prayed out loud, standing in my closet. There were times I would find myself crying so hard I didn't have tears left, so I would be simply gasping for air, hugging my knees in the corner. I was desperate, I was sincere. I would have done anything. But God was still silent.
These were all beliefs that I knew weren't correct. I knew God didn't just grant you what you wanted, even if you were a "good person" or if you were "sincere" enough. But because of the examples I had in my own life, these beliefs were in the back of mind, sometimes giving me hope and other times blinding me from the truth.
The truth was that God does all things for the good of His people. The truth is that God is all knowing and I am not. The truth is that God has his hand on every thread in the tapestry that is this world and he weaves them all together at just the right time. The truth is God had Josiah in mind for us.
Instead of giving me the little girl I always imagined, instead of surrounding me with the army of help I thought I would want the first few weeks of my child's life, instead of giving me what I desperately begged Him for, He said "wait, I have something better".
He gave us a heart for adoption, he gave us a heart for birth mothers and he provided us with a son. He provided us two weeks of bonding with him in some of the scariest circumstances so that when we got home we would be confident. He gave us a son whose birth mother is someone we care deeply for. Even small things I wouldn't have thought of were provided for us. And this kid is way cuter than what we could have come up with.
God doesn't always answer all of our prayers with a yes or a miracle. I learned a lot through our time of waiting. I recognized these silly beliefs that weren't true. My heart opened more, my life forever changed. While I would never wish a trial on anyone... if you are reading this and going through something that makes you feel desperate or that God isn't answering... I hope you will wait, and I hope He will show up His plans are better. Because God is good.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Post Adoption Mini Series-- Part 2; One Of Two Mothers
When we first started the adoption process, I never thought I would love the birth mother of my child as much as I do.
I would read adoption related blogs and articles and cry (I have done a lot of crying the past few years, as you can tell) because people would point out how horrible adoption is because children were "ripped away", women were "coerced", lives ruined because "biology is best" and babies shouldn't be handed to "baby snatchers" or "privileged white people who just want the perfect baby". There was a part of me that really took these things to heart and made me feel guilty for wanting to raise a child from their first day on earth and that, too, contributed to my secret wish that a future birth mother would slowly disappear, because maybe the guilt would subside. I have written about the reason we chose infant adoption before, so I won't go into it, but even though the main reason we feel called here is we feel there needs to be someone willing to give a good life, love and family to a kid from day one when they can't get that from their biological family.
But I can tell you that I love her. I did not expect it. I'm grateful for it. And I can say confidently now that the selfish desire to be his one and only mother is no longer in my heart. I hope she is a part of his story from this point on, for his sake, for her sake, and for mine. I look forward to our future with her as a part of our family.
I knew I would care for her. I recognized that the decision she was making was one of the most difficult decisions she would ever make. Before we were chosen, I grieved for the woman who would birth the baby I would raise. While I often cried because the wait was hard and long, while I sometimes felt the pain of realizing that pregnancy wasn't something I would experience, I cried frequently for her as well. We were concerned for her well being during and after the pregnancy. We made sure that the agency we chose would have scholarship opportunities as well as offer counseling and post birth support.
But if I'm being completely honest, I shamefully admit that somewhere in the deep corners of my selfish soul, I hoped that she, whoever she was, would eventually disappear. Having to share the title of mother with anyone else didn't feel fair-- just because someone could birth their own child they got that right but I didn't because my body had failed. Secretly, I hoped that she would provide medical and family history and then slowly disappear.
I would read adoption related blogs and articles and cry (I have done a lot of crying the past few years, as you can tell) because people would point out how horrible adoption is because children were "ripped away", women were "coerced", lives ruined because "biology is best" and babies shouldn't be handed to "baby snatchers" or "privileged white people who just want the perfect baby". There was a part of me that really took these things to heart and made me feel guilty for wanting to raise a child from their first day on earth and that, too, contributed to my secret wish that a future birth mother would slowly disappear, because maybe the guilt would subside. I have written about the reason we chose infant adoption before, so I won't go into it, but even though the main reason we feel called here is we feel there needs to be someone willing to give a good life, love and family to a kid from day one when they can't get that from their biological family.
But then I heard her voice. I saw her face. I met the woman who would one day tell me to go to my son just moments after she delivered him. She was beautiful, strong, decisive. She admitted at one point that she considered changing her mind, worried she would never see him again, but stayed strong because she trusted us and loved him. I'm forever grateful for her decision-- because of her my life is changed forever and in the most beautiful way.
I had no idea before we were chosen how attached I would become to the mother of my son. I had no idea how I would think of her daily. How when Josiah raises his eyebrows just like she does or his big brown eyes (that look just like hers) would look at me at just the right moment she would pop into my head. I didn't know that I would wonder what she was doing, how she was feeling, where she was at. I didn't know that if I didn't hear from her for a few days I would start to worry. I never thought I would feel fiercely protective of her, not wanting others to think poorly of her but still understand that she made the right choice.
I won't tell you that the woman who gave birth to my son is a saint. She lives a difficult and tumultuous life, often making choices that aren't morally acceptable or healthy. I am grateful that Josiah isn't growing up in that environment because it's unpredictable and scary and though she had love, she was not in a place to provide care.
I can't compare it to any other relationship really, because there is none to compare it to. She gave me the gift of parenthood by entrusting us with caring for her son. He is now my son because she allowed it to be. She did this for reasons that were lovely and reasons that aren't so lovely.
I had no idea before we were chosen how attached I would become to the mother of my son. I had no idea how I would think of her daily. How when Josiah raises his eyebrows just like she does or his big brown eyes (that look just like hers) would look at me at just the right moment she would pop into my head. I didn't know that I would wonder what she was doing, how she was feeling, where she was at. I didn't know that if I didn't hear from her for a few days I would start to worry. I never thought I would feel fiercely protective of her, not wanting others to think poorly of her but still understand that she made the right choice.
I won't tell you that the woman who gave birth to my son is a saint. She lives a difficult and tumultuous life, often making choices that aren't morally acceptable or healthy. I am grateful that Josiah isn't growing up in that environment because it's unpredictable and scary and though she had love, she was not in a place to provide care.
I can't compare it to any other relationship really, because there is none to compare it to. She gave me the gift of parenthood by entrusting us with caring for her son. He is now my son because she allowed it to be. She did this for reasons that were lovely and reasons that aren't so lovely.
But I can tell you that I love her. I did not expect it. I'm grateful for it. And I can say confidently now that the selfish desire to be his one and only mother is no longer in my heart. I hope she is a part of his story from this point on, for his sake, for her sake, and for mine. I look forward to our future with her as a part of our family.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
A Post Adoption Mini Series-- Post 1: Schedule
For the past few weeks I have been working on a post about all of the changes that have happened in my life since we started the adoption process a few years ago. From my beliefs to my schedule, almost nothing in my life has remained completely the same. I have been reflecting on these changes a lot as I watch Josiah change from day to day, and how I seem to be changing as much as he is.
However, with as many changes as I have noticed and being restricted to only writing at nap times, the post got longer and longer and more confusing. So I decided to write a little mini series.
I thought I would start with perhaps the most obvious change and the one I would guess many women can relate to-- the change in schedule.
Until about three days in at my job at the music store, I firmly believed that I would someday be a stay at home mother. My mother, aunts and mother-in-law were all (for the most part) stay at home mothers and I simply thought I would follow suit. Not having any lofty (or any at all, to be honest) career goals, it was the obvious future.
Then I loved the music store. I love what I do here, I love the connections I've made through being here, I love the opportunities that I have because of this store. I love making window displays, I love meeting band directors, I love that I joined the arts council board, created a jazz band and started solo night because I work here. Even though I'm only a part time bookkeeper, I feel like I'm making a difference here and it's where I should be.
I wasn't sure how I would feel after becoming a mom. Since I loved my job I assumed I would come back at the normal schedule. At two and a half weeks old, Josiah came with me for an hour because I couldn't just sit in the house anymore and I did an hour of book work at the shop.
Yet...
Maybe this will sound ridiculous to those full time working mothers, or those people I know who have twelve jobs, five clubs and coach soccer, but even at just three days a week here, I started to feel overwhelmed. Torn in two. When I was at home all the time I wanted to be back in the world but now that I'm back all I want is to be home. I felt like I wasn't my best at home or elsewhere. I felt like things were slipping through the cracks that I used to be so on top of. I was stressing out all the time and felt like such a failure every single day.
Thanks to a conversation and well timed post by a friend, I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to make a change. I prayed about what to change and how, I talked to my husband (who knew how stressed I had become because, unfortunately, he was the one standing beside me when my lid would pop off so he got most of my steam) and decided to cut back.
I decided to resign from the arts council board, drop out of the jazz band, make major restrictions to when I give lessons and the hardest decision-- I asked my boss to let me drop down to two days a week.
As someone who has always tried to have a simple, minimal life, I realized I was too involved for where I'm at right now. I'm a huge believer in being involved to improve the community, but I also saw how quickly Josiah is growing. I fought long and hard for that kid and I don't want to waste time being away from him.
I just recently made these changes and this is musical week so I'm busier than ever until next Monday night, but I feel good about them. I feel as though I have made the best decisions for my family and I at this point.
I chose to eliminate those organizations that were causing me stress or that I felt I wasn't contributing enough too. I am proud to have been involved in them, but it was time for me to step aside and I feel a weight lifted that I didn't realize was so heavy until it was gone. I have felt like my schedule was a constantly shifting jig saw puzzle for months and it's nice to see fewer pieces.
I am so glad to have remained active in the groups that I have, and I'm grateful for the new schedule at the shop. I love having two days a week to get a bit of a break from being at home, letting grandma and grandson have some time to bond (and for Josiah to bond with someone other than me), and still feel like I'm contributing at the store and in the community. But I am also so glad to have that extra day off with no lessons, no meetings, no work, to simply be the mom of my little boy all day.
Maybe this proves that I can't handle a lot. Maybe it proves that I'm not as good at multitasking or as capable as I once thought. In any case, I am more at peace than I have been in months and I look forward to the end of musical season (don't get me wrong, I LOVE musical season, so I'm definitely enjoying it as well), and the cleaner schedule I will have then.
However, with as many changes as I have noticed and being restricted to only writing at nap times, the post got longer and longer and more confusing. So I decided to write a little mini series.
I thought I would start with perhaps the most obvious change and the one I would guess many women can relate to-- the change in schedule.
Until about three days in at my job at the music store, I firmly believed that I would someday be a stay at home mother. My mother, aunts and mother-in-law were all (for the most part) stay at home mothers and I simply thought I would follow suit. Not having any lofty (or any at all, to be honest) career goals, it was the obvious future.
Then I loved the music store. I love what I do here, I love the connections I've made through being here, I love the opportunities that I have because of this store. I love making window displays, I love meeting band directors, I love that I joined the arts council board, created a jazz band and started solo night because I work here. Even though I'm only a part time bookkeeper, I feel like I'm making a difference here and it's where I should be.
I wasn't sure how I would feel after becoming a mom. Since I loved my job I assumed I would come back at the normal schedule. At two and a half weeks old, Josiah came with me for an hour because I couldn't just sit in the house anymore and I did an hour of book work at the shop.
Yet...
Maybe this will sound ridiculous to those full time working mothers, or those people I know who have twelve jobs, five clubs and coach soccer, but even at just three days a week here, I started to feel overwhelmed. Torn in two. When I was at home all the time I wanted to be back in the world but now that I'm back all I want is to be home. I felt like I wasn't my best at home or elsewhere. I felt like things were slipping through the cracks that I used to be so on top of. I was stressing out all the time and felt like such a failure every single day.
Thanks to a conversation and well timed post by a friend, I finally decided enough was enough and I needed to make a change. I prayed about what to change and how, I talked to my husband (who knew how stressed I had become because, unfortunately, he was the one standing beside me when my lid would pop off so he got most of my steam) and decided to cut back.
I decided to resign from the arts council board, drop out of the jazz band, make major restrictions to when I give lessons and the hardest decision-- I asked my boss to let me drop down to two days a week.
As someone who has always tried to have a simple, minimal life, I realized I was too involved for where I'm at right now. I'm a huge believer in being involved to improve the community, but I also saw how quickly Josiah is growing. I fought long and hard for that kid and I don't want to waste time being away from him.
I just recently made these changes and this is musical week so I'm busier than ever until next Monday night, but I feel good about them. I feel as though I have made the best decisions for my family and I at this point.
I chose to eliminate those organizations that were causing me stress or that I felt I wasn't contributing enough too. I am proud to have been involved in them, but it was time for me to step aside and I feel a weight lifted that I didn't realize was so heavy until it was gone. I have felt like my schedule was a constantly shifting jig saw puzzle for months and it's nice to see fewer pieces.
I am so glad to have remained active in the groups that I have, and I'm grateful for the new schedule at the shop. I love having two days a week to get a bit of a break from being at home, letting grandma and grandson have some time to bond (and for Josiah to bond with someone other than me), and still feel like I'm contributing at the store and in the community. But I am also so glad to have that extra day off with no lessons, no meetings, no work, to simply be the mom of my little boy all day.
Maybe this proves that I can't handle a lot. Maybe it proves that I'm not as good at multitasking or as capable as I once thought. In any case, I am more at peace than I have been in months and I look forward to the end of musical season (don't get me wrong, I LOVE musical season, so I'm definitely enjoying it as well), and the cleaner schedule I will have then.
Friday, September 2, 2016
FINALIZED
As unceremoniously as it could possibly have come, an email from our attorney appeared in my inbox after my run this morning. Standing in the kitchen still covered in sweat, I read aloud the message "Kristin and James, You should be receiving the attached Order of Adoption in the mail from the court. The court will send this also to Vital Records for a new birth certificate to be issued. Vital Records is taking about 45-60 days to complete this process."
Perhaps due to shock, or maybe the lack of pomp and circumstance, we just went about our morning without opening the attachment-- even knowing what it was. Jim finished getting ready and went to work. I fed Josiah in his new high chair from his great-grandma, read him two books, gave him a bath and loaded him in the car to take to Grandma and Grandpa's house for the day.
Perhaps due to shock, or maybe the lack of pomp and circumstance, we just went about our morning without opening the attachment-- even knowing what it was. Jim finished getting ready and went to work. I fed Josiah in his new high chair from his great-grandma, read him two books, gave him a bath and loaded him in the car to take to Grandma and Grandpa's house for the day.
It wasn't until I got to their home and used their computer to print out the attached document that it really started to hit me. Among other things, the document reads the following;
"From and after this date the parents of the adoptee are:
Kristin Jayne Parrish and James Edward Parrish"
We're finally done. And while I still have a niggling to hold my breath a while longer while we wait for a birth certificate to surface, we know that it is our legal right to ask for one because no matter who you ask now, he is our son! The relief comes in waves-- big, crashing ones followed by excitement and realization that this chapter is now at a close.
The worry of these past few months, after the years of waiting before that, is finally over. We are finally parents in every single legal way, something we have desired for our entire married life, a desire we have drowned in prayer. I'm a mom! Jim's a dad! Josiah is a Parrish! After every hurdle, every heartbreaking delay, it's over.
We can now submit our names again for a second adoption, we'll send off the neat pile of documents I have prepared soon.
Though I'm sure the first thing some of you did was scroll down, I will stop writing and show you what you came here for. Pictures of our adorable little boy. I wasn't kidding that he's the cutest kid ever.
Included is a video I made not long ago featuring the song we have the sheet music to hanging on Josiah's wall. It was made and is shared with his birthmother's blessing and permission, as well as the photographer of the pictures of the birth (Laura, Josiah's birth aunt, happens to be a very talented photographer who captured those precious moments after our son's birth).
Thank you, THANK YOU again for all who have supported us through your generous donations, prayers and encouragement. Thank you to those who have loved us through every struggle. Thank you to those who love our son and our family.
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| Our first family photo |
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| He was put under my shirt right away in the delivery room. |
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| Daddy holding Josiah |
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| The traditional mom and baby in the hospital bed... except I didn't need to be there. |
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| Babies first meal. |
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| His birth aunt took his professional pictures. |
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| Checking out the bottle holder. |
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| So very tiny. |
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| The bolt that slowed down our trip to the airport, compared in size to our 4 pound, 11 ounce baby. |
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| Is the baby okay?! |
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| Entertaining conversation with Dad. |
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| Grandma Marcie made him this Star Wars Quilt. We ALL love it. |
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| He really does have connections in Detroit. |
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Much Obliged
You know what goes under appreciated? Every day politeness and positive actions. Today, I want to thank you, people with manners. Today, I recognize the little things people do for the benefits of others.
Thank you, people who hold doors for other people. You got their first and had every right to take first pick at whatever waits inside but you chose to not only let someone else go before you, but you put forth the effort that they would have had to so they could enter.
Thank you, "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" users. You could have demanded, you could have required, you could have assume you deserved. Instead you recognized the world isn't about you and that others time and effort mean something and should be appreciated.
Shout out to the cart returners, the pick up after yourself-ers, the return things in the same or better condtion-ers. In a world where personal responsibility isn't always stressed as important, you took the time to leave your mark in a positive way, not in a mess.
Thank you to those who pick up after others. You recognize that sometimes your time is better spent serving others. You aren't just helping someone else who is having a "messy" day (be it a literal mess or any other kind of trail of destruction) you are helping those that follow them.
People who smile-- you seriously make my day. And others days. You keep smiling, everyone almost always returns the favor.
Thank you, people who engage the world outside of their phone. I'm guilty of walking while looking at my phone or spending time on it when I shouldn't. So thank you-- you are seeing the world in a way others aren't. Not just because you are off your phone and actually seeing the world as it is and not on a screen, but because you are you. Thanks for the reminder to live in the real world and in the moment.
Hard workers, you keep this ship afloat. Without the dedication of hard working people many things would have never been accomplished.
The "buy a coffee for the car behind you in line at Starbucks" type-- thank you. Paying it forward feels good, doesn't it? And you just made someones day so much better without knowing how it was before that moment. You changed the outcome of someone's day. Think about that. You impacted a life.
People with patience, thank you for dealing with the rest of us. Thank you for waiting.
Thank you to those who show others their value. By noticing the good in people, you show them they have worth... we never know when someone needs to hear that.
Thank you to the pray-ers, the do-ers.
And hey, good job, animal lovers.
Hope you could relate to one or two of these as you read through this list. Consider it your pat on the back for the day. Not a one of us is perfect, but I sure do appreciate the good things when I see them.
Thank you, people who hold doors for other people. You got their first and had every right to take first pick at whatever waits inside but you chose to not only let someone else go before you, but you put forth the effort that they would have had to so they could enter.
Thank you, "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" users. You could have demanded, you could have required, you could have assume you deserved. Instead you recognized the world isn't about you and that others time and effort mean something and should be appreciated.
Shout out to the cart returners, the pick up after yourself-ers, the return things in the same or better condtion-ers. In a world where personal responsibility isn't always stressed as important, you took the time to leave your mark in a positive way, not in a mess.
Thank you to those who pick up after others. You recognize that sometimes your time is better spent serving others. You aren't just helping someone else who is having a "messy" day (be it a literal mess or any other kind of trail of destruction) you are helping those that follow them.
People who smile-- you seriously make my day. And others days. You keep smiling, everyone almost always returns the favor.
Thank you, people who engage the world outside of their phone. I'm guilty of walking while looking at my phone or spending time on it when I shouldn't. So thank you-- you are seeing the world in a way others aren't. Not just because you are off your phone and actually seeing the world as it is and not on a screen, but because you are you. Thanks for the reminder to live in the real world and in the moment.
Hard workers, you keep this ship afloat. Without the dedication of hard working people many things would have never been accomplished.
The "buy a coffee for the car behind you in line at Starbucks" type-- thank you. Paying it forward feels good, doesn't it? And you just made someones day so much better without knowing how it was before that moment. You changed the outcome of someone's day. Think about that. You impacted a life.
People with patience, thank you for dealing with the rest of us. Thank you for waiting.
Thank you to those who show others their value. By noticing the good in people, you show them they have worth... we never know when someone needs to hear that.
Thank you to the pray-ers, the do-ers.
And hey, good job, animal lovers.
Hope you could relate to one or two of these as you read through this list. Consider it your pat on the back for the day. Not a one of us is perfect, but I sure do appreciate the good things when I see them.
Friday, July 29, 2016
We'll Do It Again
The past couple of weeks have been rough.
It started with an innocent call to our attorney to check on the progress of our adoption finalization. We had passed the estimated 6 month mark so we were just curious if we were on track. It turned out we and a handful of families were stuck in the middle of what could end up being a pretty massive dispute between the courts and adoption agencies. Without knowing which details I can share publicly at this point, all I can say is that our finalization looked like it was put on hold for an undetermined amount of time.
The initial shock-- and the 24 hours after when it wasn't really made clear to us that Josiah was safely ours no matter the outcome (imagine 24 hours of not knowing if you could keep your child or not)-- was followed by calls to governors and attorney generals, vague prayer requests and a lot of tears. Being assured that Josiah was ours, we went on to think about the secondary things that a prolonged finalization would cause.
The adoption tax credit, something that we counted on to pay back the loan we took with my parents to secure Josiah, has a statute of limitations on it that would be in jeopardy if we don't finalize this year. Even silly things like not being able to finally show pictures of our sweet little one on social media is getting more frustrating. Our little boy can't have a birth certificate until he is finalized, or a social security number.
Most importantly, we can't adopt again until we are finalized. And though this has been one of the most expensive, stressful, hard and unpredictable chapters of my life, I have never been so sure that I wanted to jump in again and to jump in soon.
As of a couple of days ago, we were finally given some hope that our finalization will happen in a few weeks (thank the Lord!) so I now am getting excited to start the hard work again.
If we end up parents to Josiah alone, we will be overjoyed at the opportunity to raise such a wonderful young man. We will do our best to raise him correctly and will love him until our last breath. If God does provide another opportunity, however, we so look forward to being a part of another story. We look forward to holding another tiny baby and watching all of the firsts and all of the lasts. We hope to provide our children with a sibling, so our curly haired boy can be the blessing of an older brother and Josiah can be blessed by a younger brother or sister. A built in playmate (maybe a built in fight-mate, too).
We aren't sure how we are going to proceed once things are finalized with Josiah but we know we want to proceed soon. So friends, I come before you asking again for your help. Some prayers are always appreciated, and if you happen to meet someone who might need us... send them our way. We are patient and believe that God has a plan for us, either way.
Hopefully, we will finalize very soon and you will finally see the pictures you have patiently been waiting for!
It started with an innocent call to our attorney to check on the progress of our adoption finalization. We had passed the estimated 6 month mark so we were just curious if we were on track. It turned out we and a handful of families were stuck in the middle of what could end up being a pretty massive dispute between the courts and adoption agencies. Without knowing which details I can share publicly at this point, all I can say is that our finalization looked like it was put on hold for an undetermined amount of time.
The initial shock-- and the 24 hours after when it wasn't really made clear to us that Josiah was safely ours no matter the outcome (imagine 24 hours of not knowing if you could keep your child or not)-- was followed by calls to governors and attorney generals, vague prayer requests and a lot of tears. Being assured that Josiah was ours, we went on to think about the secondary things that a prolonged finalization would cause.
The adoption tax credit, something that we counted on to pay back the loan we took with my parents to secure Josiah, has a statute of limitations on it that would be in jeopardy if we don't finalize this year. Even silly things like not being able to finally show pictures of our sweet little one on social media is getting more frustrating. Our little boy can't have a birth certificate until he is finalized, or a social security number.
Most importantly, we can't adopt again until we are finalized. And though this has been one of the most expensive, stressful, hard and unpredictable chapters of my life, I have never been so sure that I wanted to jump in again and to jump in soon.
As of a couple of days ago, we were finally given some hope that our finalization will happen in a few weeks (thank the Lord!) so I now am getting excited to start the hard work again.
If we end up parents to Josiah alone, we will be overjoyed at the opportunity to raise such a wonderful young man. We will do our best to raise him correctly and will love him until our last breath. If God does provide another opportunity, however, we so look forward to being a part of another story. We look forward to holding another tiny baby and watching all of the firsts and all of the lasts. We hope to provide our children with a sibling, so our curly haired boy can be the blessing of an older brother and Josiah can be blessed by a younger brother or sister. A built in playmate (maybe a built in fight-mate, too).
We aren't sure how we are going to proceed once things are finalized with Josiah but we know we want to proceed soon. So friends, I come before you asking again for your help. Some prayers are always appreciated, and if you happen to meet someone who might need us... send them our way. We are patient and believe that God has a plan for us, either way.
Hopefully, we will finalize very soon and you will finally see the pictures you have patiently been waiting for!
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
6 Months a Mother
6 months a mother and still none the wiser.
6 months a mother and still worried I'm doing it wrong.
6 months a mother and we tummy time 6 times a day.
6 months a mother and we practice sign language with song.
5 bottles a day and one more before bed.
5 minutes at the beginning of every nap I pat his back.
5 times we've tried cereal with a bowl and spoon.
5 people I'm grateful for, who pick up my slack *.
4 books every day, we read together in his chair.
4 AM I'm up and running, literally... I run.
4 times a day we step outside to shop, walk or play.
4 chores at night, before the day can be done.
3 naps a day, and hour or more a piece.
3 dogs follow us around hoping for attention.
3 bottles I wash over and over again.
3 educational CDs we listen to, hoping for retention.
2 of us hoping we don't screw this kid up.
2 days a week Jim is home with us all day.
2 piano recitals every day where Josiah (and the dogs) sing along.
2 times a day Josiah and I pray
1 little boy we love so very much.
1 chance to raise him the best that we can.
1 more day before he's another day older :(.
1 huge (little) blessing, part of God's plan.
* You know who you are.
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Dear Jim -- A New Dad
Dear Jim,
Last year, I wrote you a letter that I shared on this very blog. It sparked an interest in our story that led to more support than I could have ever imagined. I just wanted to share the letter so others knew just how much I wanted you to be a father-- how much I believed you would be a good one. And tonight, the night before Father's Day, I sit in the basement with my parents watching Sherlock and listen to you upstairs... playing with our son.
When I wrote that letter, it seemed so far away. An impossibility. Something we really wanted but it was just a dream.
But it's true now. I am listening to you laugh while he coos at you in return right now. I watched you feed him moments after he was born. I huddled around his hospital bassinet with you as we nervously changed that first diaper together. I stole glances at you while you stared into his face while he was sleeping, I took pictures of the two of you when you fell asleep with him.
And, not to brag, I was right all along. You are a great dad. You have not once complained about a diaper change or when I hand him off to you so I can get something else done. You swaddle much better than I do. You put him to sleep at night.
You are the light at the end of our day. At just the moment when Josiah is looking at me like he can't believe we are singing this song again, he hears the garage door open and his eyes light up and his signature smile spreads across his face. I join him-- you are home! Not only an extra pair of hands to help but they are your hands!
We don't have a lot of time for each other in this particular season in life. When we are together we talk about our new boy, projects around the house, or I complain about your busy schedule and how I never see you anymore. Though I really should be taking our time together to say thank you instead of complaining. I know you are doing your best and I know that we are dedicated to keeping our marriage strong.
Thank you for being my husband, thank you for being Josiah's dad. Thank you for all that you did while we waited impatiently to come home with him. Thank you for learning how to swaddle, how to burp him, how to install car seats and put together a crib. Thank you for coming downstairs to sit beside me right now, holding Josiah in your lap and his pacifier in his mouth with your finger.
It is one of the greatest honors I've had all year to be able to tell you for the first time-- Happy Father's Day!
Your Loving Wife,
Kristin
Last year, I wrote you a letter that I shared on this very blog. It sparked an interest in our story that led to more support than I could have ever imagined. I just wanted to share the letter so others knew just how much I wanted you to be a father-- how much I believed you would be a good one. And tonight, the night before Father's Day, I sit in the basement with my parents watching Sherlock and listen to you upstairs... playing with our son.
When I wrote that letter, it seemed so far away. An impossibility. Something we really wanted but it was just a dream.
But it's true now. I am listening to you laugh while he coos at you in return right now. I watched you feed him moments after he was born. I huddled around his hospital bassinet with you as we nervously changed that first diaper together. I stole glances at you while you stared into his face while he was sleeping, I took pictures of the two of you when you fell asleep with him.
And, not to brag, I was right all along. You are a great dad. You have not once complained about a diaper change or when I hand him off to you so I can get something else done. You swaddle much better than I do. You put him to sleep at night.
You are the light at the end of our day. At just the moment when Josiah is looking at me like he can't believe we are singing this song again, he hears the garage door open and his eyes light up and his signature smile spreads across his face. I join him-- you are home! Not only an extra pair of hands to help but they are your hands!
We don't have a lot of time for each other in this particular season in life. When we are together we talk about our new boy, projects around the house, or I complain about your busy schedule and how I never see you anymore. Though I really should be taking our time together to say thank you instead of complaining. I know you are doing your best and I know that we are dedicated to keeping our marriage strong.
Thank you for being my husband, thank you for being Josiah's dad. Thank you for all that you did while we waited impatiently to come home with him. Thank you for learning how to swaddle, how to burp him, how to install car seats and put together a crib. Thank you for coming downstairs to sit beside me right now, holding Josiah in your lap and his pacifier in his mouth with your finger.
It is one of the greatest honors I've had all year to be able to tell you for the first time-- Happy Father's Day!
Your Loving Wife,
Kristin
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Back At It
After what is potentially the longest maternity leave given to a mother who didn't give birth, I rejoined the workforce at almost my normal schedule Wednesday. It was a slower day at the shop and being the impatient child that I am, I almost ran home when I left an hour early so I could hug my baby. Being the baby that he is, however, he was dead asleep on grandma when I walked in the door and I had a moment of selflessness and decided not to wake him up to clobber him with pent up mommy love. Once he was awake, however, he was basically an extension of my left arm. Turns out I am going to miss this little guy a lot when I'm not staring at his face all day.
My parents have been living with us for a week now, as they wait for their home to be completed. It has been nice to have some extra hands to hold the little guy when I need to make dinner and it requires both hands. It has also been nice to sleep in and know that my mom will be willing to help if I don't get everything done in time (a few times I walk in the door after a run just as his feeding is starting). But, I sometimes just need to take my boy and hide in a room for a while to reconnect without others involvement.
It's an interesting season in life. I'm much busier than I prefer to be, especially when I have waited so long to be busy with a baby and have so many things pulling me. Jim seems busier than ever and our schedules never seem to coincide. Josiah is growing every day-- seems like he grows twice a day these days. I'm torn with every decision I make. I want to be an active member of our community, I want to be a good employee who completes her full schedule every week, I want to be committed to the things I've agreed to do, but then I also really just want to spend my time with my son. I know this is not a new musing, as most women have to make these decisions, but it's weighing on my heart a bit. I don't know what to give up, but something is going to have to give... we waited quite a while for this and I want to do it right.
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer thus far and I hope you aren't as confused as I am about what you want in your life right now.
My parents have been living with us for a week now, as they wait for their home to be completed. It has been nice to have some extra hands to hold the little guy when I need to make dinner and it requires both hands. It has also been nice to sleep in and know that my mom will be willing to help if I don't get everything done in time (a few times I walk in the door after a run just as his feeding is starting). But, I sometimes just need to take my boy and hide in a room for a while to reconnect without others involvement.
It's an interesting season in life. I'm much busier than I prefer to be, especially when I have waited so long to be busy with a baby and have so many things pulling me. Jim seems busier than ever and our schedules never seem to coincide. Josiah is growing every day-- seems like he grows twice a day these days. I'm torn with every decision I make. I want to be an active member of our community, I want to be a good employee who completes her full schedule every week, I want to be committed to the things I've agreed to do, but then I also really just want to spend my time with my son. I know this is not a new musing, as most women have to make these decisions, but it's weighing on my heart a bit. I don't know what to give up, but something is going to have to give... we waited quite a while for this and I want to do it right.
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer thus far and I hope you aren't as confused as I am about what you want in your life right now.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
29 Joys
I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned at least once a year how much I love birthdays. I've been a little late in my excitement this year, because May got away from me, but it hit me and I'm all about celebration mode. My presents from Josiah and Jim are bought (my running shoes went on sale so I bought two pair for the price of one. Yay!), I have already eaten my cake (a gluten free, all natural chocolate lavendar cake. My parents are here now, so we are celebrating early, so don't think I'm just impatient to have my cake!) and I am just ready to enjoy the day!
I found the above quote on Pinterest during one of Josiah's naps and was struck by how truthful it is. It's really easy, at least for me, to complain and focus on the bad things in life. Especially after a couple of years of infertility and an adoption wait, it was hard to get back to a more positive outlook. However, seeing so much negativity around me, I would really like to be an encouragement to others and bring them up instead of joining in the bad moods. I love my family and friends dearly, but I have heard so many complaints recently that it makes me sad that we are wasting our precious days on earth finding the faults instead of the joys.
So, I wanted to share with you 29 joys in my life as I get close to my 29th birthday (June 1, if you are curious). I'm trying to be a little creative because this list could be really repetitive to share the same joys over and over. The first few have to be mentioned though, even though everyone knows they make me joyful.
1. My husband. So many good things to say about this man. Patient, kind, good. A good father, a sweet date, a gentleman and a man of honor. I am so glad to have gone through trials and joys with him.
2. My son. Josiah Samuel. The center of the Parrish universe. Currently sleeping so peacefully (and raising a hand? He always raises his hand while he's sleeping...). Such a happy baby. Full of smiles, so smart and so strong! So handsome.
3. My dogs. Need I say more than they are cute, cuddly, lovey, and just the best?
4. My job. And the fact that I still have one. My bosses are awesome, my co-worker is awesome, what I do is awesome. I am proud to be a Lou Kraus Music employee. I love the connections I've made through this job and being able to help kids start and continue to progress in music.
5. My students. Speaking of kids start and continue in music, I have been blessed with a particularly talented and hard working group of students this past year or two. They are all doing such a great job this year, racking up awards and opportunities.
6. Adoption being possible. How many children would be without homes or safety and how many people who would love to have them would be without them if this wasn't a possibility? The difficulties that potentially accompany adoption don't change my mind that it is necessary in this fallen world and such a blessing to be a part of.
7. Etsy. Cardigan onesies with bow ties. Homemade shirts. Cute gift ideas. I'm addicted to Etsy.
8. Bountiful Baskets. Money saving and totally a "crunchy" thing to do. It's like Christmas every other week, never knowing what you are going to get but always excited to get it.
9. Bamboo clothing. So soft, so cute, supposedly eco-friendly. What's not to love.
10. Kale salad topped with fresh fruit and yogurt for dressing. Seriously my favorite go to meal at the moment. I use almond milk yogurt for my dressing, and usually use strawberries and blueberries. So freaking good!
11. Mango. I tend to eat at least two a week.
12. Gilmore Girls reviving. Seriously, who knew that so many years later we would be looking forward to new episodes of the one show that I became addicted to in college? And the plan I have to meet with my best friend to binge watch them is also something super exciting to look forward to!
13. The new Jungle Book movie. We went on a date to watch it and we were so happy with it! I really like this movie. It's not something I'll show Josiah until he's quite a bit older (a little too scary, I think) but it's super good!
14. Charlie Brown in general. My dad and I enjoy the Peanuts cartoons and movies and it's just something sweet from my childhood that makes me think of my dad. The new movie is pretty darned good (I love that Charlie Brown is such a good guy), but anything Peanuts makes me nostalgic and happy.
15. Josiah's birth mother. Without her decision we wouldn't have Josiah. Even with some of the harder stuff we all have to deal with, she gave us the greatest gift and did it in such an amazing way. He looks so much like her, and I'm so grateful for her beautiful smile and sweet features that we get to witness in our son every day. So joyful to have her in my life!
16. Coffee shops and libraries. Places to go with my son that don't mind me sitting and feeding him in the corner. An excuse to get out of the house for just a while.
17. The stroller. Seriously, the stroller of freedom. The first time I felt physically amazing after Josiah was born was taking him on his first stroller walk. So much freedom!!!
18. Being able to run. Even at 5 AM after a 3:30 feeding and a 4 AM workout. Even when it's cold, or I can't see or I run past a dead cow (just a couple of weeks ago, got to call 911 about it and everything). I don't take a single day that I can shake out my stresses and take some time to myself for granted. I love making my body move and trying to make it better.
19. Good people. People who check in and follow through. People who are kind. People who are dedicated. People who are honest.
20. Living in a small town.
21. Being able to play an instrument. Or two. The challenge of classical music, the success of mastering artistic expression. It's pretty sweet.
22. The feeling after a good sneeze. Seriously. So nice. Much relief.
23. Jokes that make you laugh too hard.
24. Big windows with great views.
25. Planning vacations (even if they are just imaginary, will never happen vacations). Related, pretending that Jim and I will be on the Amazing race someday. Because we would totally be awesome at it. Except I struggle with accents, jet lag, and directions... so maybe not.
26. A full nights sleep. Something I look forward to getting again one day.
27. Good smells. Seriously, anything that smells good.
28. I suppose I wouldn't be a good Christian if I didn't mention my faith. Without God, all of this wouldn't be around. I know that, I respect that and I REJOICE in that.
29.Birthdays! Celebrating the day the world went from without me to with me... totally worth celebrating, right? Okay, eating some humble pie, I still really like birthdays...
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
My Defense
During the home study process, prospective adoptive parents
are required to do a certain amount of education hours to prepare themselves
for the unique challenges of adoptive parenting. Sometimes classes are required, or videos, or
conferences. We were required to do so
many hours of education through videos and books.
As you might imagine, books that focus on the challenges of
parenting can be draining and challenging to read when all you want is to
become a parent. Reading book after book that focused on only
the negative and the unique to adoption problems was really difficult. At times I was concerned we were going to
ruin in our child's life simply by bringing them home.
So I turned to the internet to bring myself some comfort. Surely there was someone out there saying that adoption was a good thing in their life, or at least something that wasn't that big of a deal.
So I turned to the internet to bring myself some comfort. Surely there was someone out there saying that adoption was a good thing in their life, or at least something that wasn't that big of a deal.
Of course, you can guess what happened. People who have strong opinions of opposition
tend to turn to the internet to give their opinion a voice. It's good that they have a place to bring out
points that others may not have considered and I learned a lot in my time of
online blogs of adults who had been adopted and of birth mothers. Being as concerned as I was to give my future
child the best life possible, I really took everything to heart.
Unfortunately, I often found myself crying at my computer,
feeling worse than when I got online.
Those who aren't involved in this world might not realize
that there is such a strong anti-adoption movement. Our rosey colored view of a baby needing a
home and a couple willing to give it seems wonderful, but there are negative
aspects that we may not think about.
Being removed from your biological history is a loss and potentially a
traumatic event. The stigma of being a
birth mother can sometimes be a heavy burden when people aren't
understanding. Raising a child who has
no similar responses or characteristics to you can be a challenge (if they zig
when you would zag sort of thing).
There were some opinions that I disagreed with online but I
was glad to have read them because it made me stronger in my beliefs and gave
me the opportunity to think deeply about our decision. There are those who believe that biological
family is always best, regardless of circumstance and temperament. There are those who believe that simply
giving more assistance to birth parents would eliminate adoptions. There are those who believe that those who
pursue infant adoption are just rich white people waiting for the perfect
baby-- and that everyone considering adoption should just adopt from the foster
system. There are people who believe
adults who were adopted who are happy to have been adopted have had the
"adoption kool aid".
The following is my defense for our decision to adopt Josiah
from birth. While I know a lot of people
who read this blog are supportive, it was just something I had to write, to get
out.
We know from the experiences of those close to us (some dear
friends and my mom) that "just" should never be applied to foster
care because it is the definition of one of the hardest life challenges. From PTSD and RAD in children (never heard of
it? Look up reactive attachment
disorder. The severe cases are
horrifying and devastating) to fighting the "system" to keep a son or
daughter in their home. It is a
beautiful thing that takes a strength that Jim and I prayed over a lot and
determined we weren't ready to take on (yet).
We chose infant adoption but we are not rich (we are white,
but there isn't much I can do about my race) and we were never waiting for the
perfect baby. We had to get a lot of
help to afford the expenses of adoption.
And when we signed up with our agency, we had to go through a list of
things that we would be willing accept in an adoption situation. Races, medical history, mental health history
and drug usage during pregnancy. We had
no option on smoking, as that was a requirement to allow. We were accepting of every race, of a lot of
medical history, and more drug usage than most people have to consider when
having a child (I never thought I would have to consider how much cocaine usage
I would be willing to accept during the pregnancy of my child, or alchohol or
meth, or any other number of drugs).
And we respect birth mothers for their decision. I don't believe that money would have changed
Josiah's birth mothers mind. She knew
that her life, not just her living circumstances currently but the world she
was living in, was not the best fit for him and she made a difficult decision. I am not opposed to more charitable giving
and help to birth mothers considering adoption that results in them keeping
their child, because there is of course instances when that really is all that
is needed. And being charitable is
essential to the human experience. I
don't think it's helpful to a woman to tell her that if only she had a little
more help when she was pregnant she may have raised her child herself, because
I feel as though they make the decision on a lot of levels that can't be
"fixed" by others or charity.
And the kool aid thing just infuriates me. How dare someone tell another person that
their happiness is because they are brainwashed. Just...a lot of anger about that one for
me.
So with that in mind we chose infant adoption and would
willingly do so again in a heart beat.
Like most parents, I wanted the best life for my child from the very beginning. We hoped to do so without the trauma of
foster care life-- we wanted to give him his life from the start if we
can. And we were given the opportunity
to be mom and dad from the very minute he entered the world.
From his birth, Josiah will know he was adopted (one of his
bedtime stories is his birth story, including pictures of a lot of his birth
family). He will have the opportunity to meet his birth family (as much as we
can maintain contact). He is our son, no
questions, for the rest of his life. I
can't imagine loving him anymore than I do.
He will grow up in our Christian home, hopefully learning a lot and becoming
the man he is meant to be.
There will always be people who are against our
decisions. When Jim and I got married at
19 and 21, or engaged a year before, or moved to where we live now, we had
people against us. It's hard to be okay
with that when our decisions are so personal and so important to us, but we are
okay with people being against on this one, because I am currently holding the
main reason I believe 100% that this was the best decision for us and for this
beautiful, amazing, curly haired little boy in my arms.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Another Friend In The Spotlight
There are seasons and activities that bring people into your life that make a lasting impact. I have mentioned many times before how running brought my best friend into my life, but I haven't really mentioned the other people who have become important key players all because we agreed, often hesitantly, to run with each other.
While training a couple of years ago I asked on the local running facebook page if anyone wanted to be my long run partner. A woman named Tanya came to the music store to offer to run with me, warning me that she was "slow" and starting off her offer with "This might be crazy of me, but...". At that point, I knew her as the wife of a talented guitarist who would escape to the music store for "sanity" every now and again and give me free concerts. So I liked her already-- I mean, I love free concerts.
As it goes, we got to know each other well during our time hitting the pavement. Unlike Danielle, we weren't in the exact same life stage (waiting for kids), but we found plenty of common ground to carry on hours of conversation to distract our brains from what our legs were doing. We discussed her high school aged kids, my desire to be a mom, her "business" for lack of a better word where she catches, neuters and releases or finds homes for stray cats, and my love of my three dogs.
During these conversation I determined Tanya to be a dedicated mother, involved in her kids lives. I found her to be insightful, funny, and though I'm not sure how she truly feels, she is one of the few women who I feel is completely comfortable in being herself. She is unapologetic about her strengths and can laugh at her weaknesses. She isn't interested in being a socialite, which makes a connection with her real. She is great at math (something we do NOT have in common), faster than she thinks and the kind of woman I look up to.
She is also so kindhearted and has such a love for animals that it puts my claims of the same affection to shame. During one run, I noticed every few feet Tanya would drop, grab something from the ground and toss it into the grass. It was the day after a rainstorm and she was putting the worms back in the grass so they wouldn't bake in the sun on the concrete.
When Josiah came home I entered a new season of life, getting into a new, baby centric routine. Many people offered congratulations and a few offered help. Tanya offered specific suggestions, like grocery shopping or walking the dogs for me, but I ended up asking her if she would just come over and visit. She held the baby while we caught up on all of the events that led up to our return home. She later watched him for me for a haircut appointment and through a movie, without asking for anything in return... she simply just held and talked to my "little peanut" as she has called him.
Maybe others haven't experienced this, but I can tell the difference between those who are simply "baby people" who think my baby is cute, those who are caring and "kid oriented" who really have an interest in my son, and those who are going to care about my son for the rest of his life. I could feel immediately that Tanya really cares about me and cares about Josiah. And to have someone of that strong of character and kindness and goodness of heart care about you is pretty awesome.
While training a couple of years ago I asked on the local running facebook page if anyone wanted to be my long run partner. A woman named Tanya came to the music store to offer to run with me, warning me that she was "slow" and starting off her offer with "This might be crazy of me, but...". At that point, I knew her as the wife of a talented guitarist who would escape to the music store for "sanity" every now and again and give me free concerts. So I liked her already-- I mean, I love free concerts.
As it goes, we got to know each other well during our time hitting the pavement. Unlike Danielle, we weren't in the exact same life stage (waiting for kids), but we found plenty of common ground to carry on hours of conversation to distract our brains from what our legs were doing. We discussed her high school aged kids, my desire to be a mom, her "business" for lack of a better word where she catches, neuters and releases or finds homes for stray cats, and my love of my three dogs.
During these conversation I determined Tanya to be a dedicated mother, involved in her kids lives. I found her to be insightful, funny, and though I'm not sure how she truly feels, she is one of the few women who I feel is completely comfortable in being herself. She is unapologetic about her strengths and can laugh at her weaknesses. She isn't interested in being a socialite, which makes a connection with her real. She is great at math (something we do NOT have in common), faster than she thinks and the kind of woman I look up to.
She is also so kindhearted and has such a love for animals that it puts my claims of the same affection to shame. During one run, I noticed every few feet Tanya would drop, grab something from the ground and toss it into the grass. It was the day after a rainstorm and she was putting the worms back in the grass so they wouldn't bake in the sun on the concrete.
When Josiah came home I entered a new season of life, getting into a new, baby centric routine. Many people offered congratulations and a few offered help. Tanya offered specific suggestions, like grocery shopping or walking the dogs for me, but I ended up asking her if she would just come over and visit. She held the baby while we caught up on all of the events that led up to our return home. She later watched him for me for a haircut appointment and through a movie, without asking for anything in return... she simply just held and talked to my "little peanut" as she has called him.
Maybe others haven't experienced this, but I can tell the difference between those who are simply "baby people" who think my baby is cute, those who are caring and "kid oriented" who really have an interest in my son, and those who are going to care about my son for the rest of his life. I could feel immediately that Tanya really cares about me and cares about Josiah. And to have someone of that strong of character and kindness and goodness of heart care about you is pretty awesome.
Friday, April 15, 2016
To The Mother Of My Son
Mother's Day is coming up.
I will be holding Josiah, and for the first time in my life-- because of
him... because of you-- all of the accolades and acknowledgements that are
given to mothers on this day will be applied to me. As I look into the eyes of my son on this
very special day, I will be noticing how similar he looks to you and thinking
of you and what you've done for me.
You know that by deciding we would be the parents of our
son, that you gave us our deepest hearts desire. You know that we wanted to be parents and you
gave us that opportunity. You know that
we wanted to love a child with all we had and you chose us to do that for
Josiah. You gave us a beautiful
son. If that was all you gave us, it
would've already been more than we deserved.
But you gave us so much more.
By choosing us you restored the part of my faith that was
faltering. For years we prayed for
children and God's answer was a solid "no". I had started wondering if there was
something I was unaware of in me that would make me a bad mother. Then, when months went by where we were shown to
more and more birth mothers who chose someone else, I wondered if whatever was
wrong with me was really obvious to everyone else. Questioning Gods apparent silence,
questioning myself and what was wrong with me to cause His silence and
questioning our future. This all went
away when you told me to hold my son moments after his birth.
You gave us a birth story.
Many adoptive parents aren't given the opportunity to have a birth story
for their children. They have the story
of when they met, which is beautiful in itself, but I don't take lightly your
willingness to have us be a part of his story from the very second he came into
the world. The memories I will have, the
pictures your sister provided, being able to see and speak to the doctors and
nurses who helped bring him into the world.
This is a blessing you didn't have to provide but we are so grateful
for.
You gave me a lifetime relationship with you. We have a shared son, it's a unique
relationship that is hard to explain to the rest of the world. While we live very different lives and we may
drift in and out of a relationship, I count it a privilege to know you and have
you as a part of our family. I am
humbled by your selflessness and kindness to us and knowing that you trusted me
enough to put our son into my care makes me want to work that much harder at
being the best mother I can be.
I don't know how you will feel on Mother's Day. You have been pretty guarded with your feelings
thus far. I can't imagine the emotions
you might have to go through but my hope is that you will be at peace and have
joy. I hope that knowing Josiah is
healthy, happy, chubby and full of smiles will bring you happiness. Because you deserve it so much.
Wishing you a Happy Mother's Day.
Love,
Josiah's Mommy
Josiah's Mommy
Thursday, April 7, 2016
A Love Letter To My Small Group
On Sunday evenings, Jim and I meet with our church "small group". We have attended small groups for years at our church as a way to connect with other members of our church, get to know them on a deeper level and to learn more about the God we serve.
Last fall, when small groups started again for the year, we were placed in a new small group (as is the norm, they try to rotate everyone) comprised mostly of young people in our church. I am on the brink of no longer being considered a young person, so at first I was wondering where we would fit in this group.
We were also going through our adoption journey. Our small group prayed weekly that we would be chosen and the group even allowed us to video everyone for our "adoption profile video". They were there from when we became active with our agency and beyond.
Statistically, 90 some percent of couples who try to conceive do so in the first two years. We had passed that long ago. Statistically, couples who used our agency were placed within the first year and we were passed that. During the time that we were in the negative on all statistics and wondering if we would ever be parents, our small group stood by us, praying consistently every week, offering us support, building relationships with us even when I probably wasn't much fun to be around.
So this is just a short letter to the members of the small group we have been a member of for the past season.
Dear all,
You may not realize how much of an impact you made during a difficult time in our life. Your prayers meant so much and your relationships during this time meant even more. When we were able to announce our placement to become Josiah's parents, we couldn't wait to tell you. And your joy when we told you was precious to us.
You may not know how important your presence was as we went through the hardest parts of our adoption journey and how awesome it was to have you there for the good parts. We have gained lasting relationships with some of the most exceptional people in this small group.
We appreciate each of you. Your encouragement, your unique perspectives, your presence. And of course, we appreciate all the food you shared Sunday night, too ;).
Love,
The three of us Parrish people
Last fall, when small groups started again for the year, we were placed in a new small group (as is the norm, they try to rotate everyone) comprised mostly of young people in our church. I am on the brink of no longer being considered a young person, so at first I was wondering where we would fit in this group.
We were also going through our adoption journey. Our small group prayed weekly that we would be chosen and the group even allowed us to video everyone for our "adoption profile video". They were there from when we became active with our agency and beyond.
Statistically, 90 some percent of couples who try to conceive do so in the first two years. We had passed that long ago. Statistically, couples who used our agency were placed within the first year and we were passed that. During the time that we were in the negative on all statistics and wondering if we would ever be parents, our small group stood by us, praying consistently every week, offering us support, building relationships with us even when I probably wasn't much fun to be around.
So this is just a short letter to the members of the small group we have been a member of for the past season.
Dear all,
You may not realize how much of an impact you made during a difficult time in our life. Your prayers meant so much and your relationships during this time meant even more. When we were able to announce our placement to become Josiah's parents, we couldn't wait to tell you. And your joy when we told you was precious to us.
You may not know how important your presence was as we went through the hardest parts of our adoption journey and how awesome it was to have you there for the good parts. We have gained lasting relationships with some of the most exceptional people in this small group.
We appreciate each of you. Your encouragement, your unique perspectives, your presence. And of course, we appreciate all the food you shared Sunday night, too ;).
Love,
The three of us Parrish people
Monday, April 4, 2016
Random Thoughts On Motherhood
Noticed today that this blog has received 10,000 pageviews. So thank you, people who were bored enough to read my online ramblings :), it's kind of humbling to see such a large number, though I'm sure some of those were my husband and I reading, though I can guaruntee I haven't read my blog 10,000 times.
I have been debating whether I should write much about motherhood on this blog. I spent so many years of my life avoiding mommy blogs because they brought pain and jealousy and I didn't want to experience that. I ended up leaving some really great blogs because of it. However, many of these 10,000 views are from people concerned and interested in our adoption story, which is still ongoing and involved motherhood from this point on. I promise not to talk solely about motherhood, but it's going to be on here.
Since grandma is currently sleeping with Josiah on her chest, I have some free time. I should be, you know, cleaning the house and such, but what fun is that when I can instead share some somewhat sleep deprived thoughts I've had since becoming a mother.
1. Have I always burped this often, or is it the fact that 7-14 times a day I'm focused on getting a little person to burp that I am suddenly gaining this habit? And when does it go from a praised result of vigorous patting and rubbing to something we tell our children to do quietly and say excuse me for?
2. No one is active outside at 4 AM, but at 5 the whole town is out walking or running. Running at 4 AM is neither fun nor entertaining, but it guarantees the run gets done. I officially feel very accomplished in the mornings when, by 8 AM, I have fed my baby twice, ran, worked out, both of us are bathed, we've read three books and are now playing on the mat. I usually have a load or two of laundry done and some dishes going by then, too.
3. Despite my successful mornings, my afternoons are much less active and by 4 PM Josiah and I look at each other and wonder if the rest of our lives will be on this same loop of eating, playing sleeping. Josiah lights up when he sees his dad walk in at the end of the day. Sick of Mom, perhaps?
4. Bodily fluids are not nearly as gross as I once thought they were.
5. Motherhood isn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, but it's a whole lot more constant than I realized. I mean, logically I knew that having a baby would mean I would have a baby around all the time, but for some reason I didn't really grasp that concept until he was here... all the time. And while the motions of mothering aren't difficult at all (something I was scared about going in), filling the bottle for the 5th time that day, only to have done it a few hours before, is more tiring after a couple of months than I realized. Of course, I have been blessed with a easy to care for baby who just wants a lot of extra attention, so I don't know the difficulties of other mothers. But for me, it's the constant that's the hardest.
6. I miss work. For years I thought I would want to stay home with my kids and not have a job. But then I found a job I really liked and I miss it. Every week I go in for a couple of hours and I miss it when I leave.
7. But I don't want to leave Josiah with someone else. My emotions can't be straightforward on my work because I also don't want others to get the joys of my boys smiles and milestones and I want to be the one who teaches him things.
8. Speaking of smiles and milestones... smiles are the. freaking. best. thing. ever.
9. Curly hair is commented on 8.2 million times a day.
10. I can't handle middle of the night crying. Maybe I'm not a patient enough mother, but Jim has to handle the unscheduled wake up calls most of the time. The sudden wake up has me in a fog that worries me when handling Josiah and a crabby attitude that no one needs to witness.
11. Motherhood is kind of lonely. I get out of the house often enough and make time to see people, which certainly helps a lot, but I feel more confined to my house than before. But when visiting family or friends, feeding the baby, putting him to sleep, changing him, often means solitude. And with schedules as they are, my time with my husband is mostly spent passing the baby back and forth through dinner. Meaning my contact with another human is often during a time that I stuff my face.
12. I don't care what people say, I have to keep my house clean. I'll reevaluate when Josiah reaches tornado status, but for now, my house remains clean because otherwise I can't enjoy the day. Sorry, "if it's messy it's lived in" people-- I just can't roll that way.
13. The tired look isn't good on me. My mantra has become "this too shall pass" with every night feeding.
14. Jim, if allowed, can sleep through anything. Except me hitting his side to wake him up.
15. There have been nights, when I held my crying baby and cried right back and thought to myself "why did I think I could do this?" And then, moments later, he is cuddled into my chest or gives me a big smile and I am reminded that I'm not doing it alone and he is surviving, which means I've done it so far... so I can keep going.
16. Have I mentioned smiles? Because seriously, guys. Genuine smiles from a happy baby are probably the best thing in the whole wide world. And sometimes they are even directed at me!
I have been debating whether I should write much about motherhood on this blog. I spent so many years of my life avoiding mommy blogs because they brought pain and jealousy and I didn't want to experience that. I ended up leaving some really great blogs because of it. However, many of these 10,000 views are from people concerned and interested in our adoption story, which is still ongoing and involved motherhood from this point on. I promise not to talk solely about motherhood, but it's going to be on here.
Since grandma is currently sleeping with Josiah on her chest, I have some free time. I should be, you know, cleaning the house and such, but what fun is that when I can instead share some somewhat sleep deprived thoughts I've had since becoming a mother.
1. Have I always burped this often, or is it the fact that 7-14 times a day I'm focused on getting a little person to burp that I am suddenly gaining this habit? And when does it go from a praised result of vigorous patting and rubbing to something we tell our children to do quietly and say excuse me for?
2. No one is active outside at 4 AM, but at 5 the whole town is out walking or running. Running at 4 AM is neither fun nor entertaining, but it guarantees the run gets done. I officially feel very accomplished in the mornings when, by 8 AM, I have fed my baby twice, ran, worked out, both of us are bathed, we've read three books and are now playing on the mat. I usually have a load or two of laundry done and some dishes going by then, too.
3. Despite my successful mornings, my afternoons are much less active and by 4 PM Josiah and I look at each other and wonder if the rest of our lives will be on this same loop of eating, playing sleeping. Josiah lights up when he sees his dad walk in at the end of the day. Sick of Mom, perhaps?
4. Bodily fluids are not nearly as gross as I once thought they were.
5. Motherhood isn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, but it's a whole lot more constant than I realized. I mean, logically I knew that having a baby would mean I would have a baby around all the time, but for some reason I didn't really grasp that concept until he was here... all the time. And while the motions of mothering aren't difficult at all (something I was scared about going in), filling the bottle for the 5th time that day, only to have done it a few hours before, is more tiring after a couple of months than I realized. Of course, I have been blessed with a easy to care for baby who just wants a lot of extra attention, so I don't know the difficulties of other mothers. But for me, it's the constant that's the hardest.
6. I miss work. For years I thought I would want to stay home with my kids and not have a job. But then I found a job I really liked and I miss it. Every week I go in for a couple of hours and I miss it when I leave.
7. But I don't want to leave Josiah with someone else. My emotions can't be straightforward on my work because I also don't want others to get the joys of my boys smiles and milestones and I want to be the one who teaches him things.
8. Speaking of smiles and milestones... smiles are the. freaking. best. thing. ever.
9. Curly hair is commented on 8.2 million times a day.
10. I can't handle middle of the night crying. Maybe I'm not a patient enough mother, but Jim has to handle the unscheduled wake up calls most of the time. The sudden wake up has me in a fog that worries me when handling Josiah and a crabby attitude that no one needs to witness.
11. Motherhood is kind of lonely. I get out of the house often enough and make time to see people, which certainly helps a lot, but I feel more confined to my house than before. But when visiting family or friends, feeding the baby, putting him to sleep, changing him, often means solitude. And with schedules as they are, my time with my husband is mostly spent passing the baby back and forth through dinner. Meaning my contact with another human is often during a time that I stuff my face.
12. I don't care what people say, I have to keep my house clean. I'll reevaluate when Josiah reaches tornado status, but for now, my house remains clean because otherwise I can't enjoy the day. Sorry, "if it's messy it's lived in" people-- I just can't roll that way.
13. The tired look isn't good on me. My mantra has become "this too shall pass" with every night feeding.
14. Jim, if allowed, can sleep through anything. Except me hitting his side to wake him up.
15. There have been nights, when I held my crying baby and cried right back and thought to myself "why did I think I could do this?" And then, moments later, he is cuddled into my chest or gives me a big smile and I am reminded that I'm not doing it alone and he is surviving, which means I've done it so far... so I can keep going.
16. Have I mentioned smiles? Because seriously, guys. Genuine smiles from a happy baby are probably the best thing in the whole wide world. And sometimes they are even directed at me!
Sunday, April 3, 2016
"We Aren't Selfie Gals"
There are certain events, certain people, certain times in our lives that carry a deep and lasting impact. Some of these are negative, but I have been fortunate to have many more positive experiences. As I live the day in and day out of having Josiah, I am reminded daily of some incredible people who have touched my life forever.
Today, I am full of gratitude and completely refreshed after spending a short amount of time with my best friend. We ran a race together, ate some lavender cake, painted, shopped health food and got some talking in. The title of this blog post is a quote from her, related to my failed selfie of us after our painting experience.
As we discussed during our time together, making close and lasting friendships is difficult and we aren't entirely sure how ours started, but it has stood the test of time, of multiple moves, heartache and life changes.
What I can say is our friendship was solidified in sweat and miles. When you run long distance with someone, the first few miles can easily be used to chit chat but the small talk runs out a few minutes in. As my body broke down and became more vulnerable with each passing mile, whatever walls I had built up seemed to weaken as well. It becomes easy to share more and more intimate details with the person struggling beside me, encouraging me to continue simply by continuing herself.
I have had a few running partners in my day and I have experienced a certain level of trust with each of them. What is said on a run, stays on that run, shaken off like the dust on our neon colored sneakers. Things I thought I would never share with anyone, running partners know. Things I didn't even know I was thinking were blurted out at mile 11 with so many more to go.
My best friend and I ran long distance training runs for a marathon a few years ago, so our miles were loooong. She was struggling with an issue that I knew well in infertility and she opened up to me about that and other areas of her life on those long stretches of country road.
I can't pretend to know exactly how she felt about our running days, or about how our friendship is years later after her multiple moves, two (two!) kids, job changes and other friendships developed in her life, but I can tell you my side.
She is my best friend. We try our best to be there for each other and we understand when the other can't. She knows more about me than possibly anyone other than my husband. We have emailed almost once a week every week since she moved away.
She makes me a better person. She encourages me, cheers me on, challenges me. She is talented, strong, determined, hardworking, kind. She is a great mother, writer, wife and of course, friend. She is also becoming quite the famous writer, and you can check our some of her stuff here. She writes about her life experiences, from raising her two children adopted from foster care to living her life intentionally.
D, I don't know how our friendship started but I'm so glad it did and I hope it lasts forever.
Today, I am full of gratitude and completely refreshed after spending a short amount of time with my best friend. We ran a race together, ate some lavender cake, painted, shopped health food and got some talking in. The title of this blog post is a quote from her, related to my failed selfie of us after our painting experience.
As we discussed during our time together, making close and lasting friendships is difficult and we aren't entirely sure how ours started, but it has stood the test of time, of multiple moves, heartache and life changes.
What I can say is our friendship was solidified in sweat and miles. When you run long distance with someone, the first few miles can easily be used to chit chat but the small talk runs out a few minutes in. As my body broke down and became more vulnerable with each passing mile, whatever walls I had built up seemed to weaken as well. It becomes easy to share more and more intimate details with the person struggling beside me, encouraging me to continue simply by continuing herself.
I have had a few running partners in my day and I have experienced a certain level of trust with each of them. What is said on a run, stays on that run, shaken off like the dust on our neon colored sneakers. Things I thought I would never share with anyone, running partners know. Things I didn't even know I was thinking were blurted out at mile 11 with so many more to go.
My best friend and I ran long distance training runs for a marathon a few years ago, so our miles were loooong. She was struggling with an issue that I knew well in infertility and she opened up to me about that and other areas of her life on those long stretches of country road.
I can't pretend to know exactly how she felt about our running days, or about how our friendship is years later after her multiple moves, two (two!) kids, job changes and other friendships developed in her life, but I can tell you my side.
She is my best friend. We try our best to be there for each other and we understand when the other can't. She knows more about me than possibly anyone other than my husband. We have emailed almost once a week every week since she moved away.
She makes me a better person. She encourages me, cheers me on, challenges me. She is talented, strong, determined, hardworking, kind. She is a great mother, writer, wife and of course, friend. She is also becoming quite the famous writer, and you can check our some of her stuff here. She writes about her life experiences, from raising her two children adopted from foster care to living her life intentionally.
D, I don't know how our friendship started but I'm so glad it did and I hope it lasts forever.
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