"My Kids"

Yesterday was National Adoption Day.  And while that topic is obviously frequently on my mind-- or more accurately, always on my mind-- something else happened yesterday that I wanted to share.

Last night, the best high school musicians from Nebraska gathered together on one stage to sing or play in the jazz band, concert band or orchestra.  Among the less than 40 clarinets on stage for the concert band, in her black and orange uniform, was Raelyn.

Raelyn has taken lessons from me for years.  So many years in fact that in my too-tired-to-think-after-a-long-drive mind I can't remember how many.  She has always been a dedicated student with a natural talent and a desire to do well. She was my first student to have made it into all state band while taking lessons.  Her parents bought me a ticket, which was amazing, and then I drove across the state with a part of her family so I could be a part of her first all state concert. 

I have had a few students make it into the state level honor bands before, but after they had moved on to other instructors or they did it completely on their own.  Genevieve and Micah were both great students that I appreciate being able to say I was a part of their musical journey, even if it was just a small one.

I have had a lot of students be very close to making it or who sport similar high honors in music.  Some of my students who didn't make it into the band made it into choir.  All have attended honor bands and all have done a fantastic job on their instruments.

I'm fortunate because my job allows me to work with hard working, talented and generally awesome kids.  I'm fortunate that I get to show kids what I love to do. 

I have the privelage of being in their lives and the responsibility that entails.  I'm sure it resonates with a lot of educators when I say that I'm exceedingly proud of "my kids".  When "my kids" have a recital, everyone knows I'm not talking about my own children putting on a show, but the kids I instruct privately, who have all taken a piece of my heart.  When I show up at music booster meetings I don't think a lot of people question my intent-- because I have a few of "my kids" in these groups. 

I have no claim to them, I can't take a lot of credit for their talent and dedication. 

I can say that during the years of desiring to have children in my home, "my kids" were a highlight to my day.  "My kids" were part of the reason I wanted to become a parent in the first place. 

I am extremely grateful for all of "my kids" and I'm so proud of all of them. 

Courtney who has a natural talent and desire to do well who rocked her first recital last year after only a few lessons.
Sammi who just made 8th grade all state band and left the audience of our last recital breathless after her piano solo.
Abigail who was the most prepared student I had for all state auditions this year and who rocked it as a high soprano in the choir.
Ashley who has learned a few pieces far too advanced for her level, simply because she wanted to.
Hayden, who bravely did her first piano recital at 5 years old.
Brenna, who went to Europe this summer and has made it her personal goal to audition for every honor band ever, it seems. 
Michael, who is the first kid I know to start school band on a second instrument and that instrument was oboe.
Ryanna, who is an alternate for the 8th grade all state band this year and who can play her chromatic scale like mad.
Chase, who has the best vibrato from a high school oboe player I've ever heard and a beautiful singing voice.
Abby, who takes lessons here and there, who sang in the choir this weekend and is going into music education.
Raelyn, who went to Europe this year, made all state and is generally kicking butt and taking names with that clarinet of hers.

You all are one of the best parts of my week.  

Communication

For the past couple of weeks I have been in the longest running text message conversation of my life and it has been with a person I have never met before.  S, as she will be called on the blog (has nothing to do with her name), the mother of my potential son, and I have been getting to know each other through a series of text messages and short phone calls.



At first, the thought of open adoption was scary because each situation is as unique as the people involved and it leaves a lot unknown until it happens.  It's scary because I am tying myself to a person I have no knowledge of for the rest of my life.  It's scary because my child will grow up not only knowing I'm not his only mother, but actually knowing the other woman to some degree.  It's scary because, even if it's minimally, she can see how I am parenting our child.  It's scary because it is something I've never done before.


It was scary but we decided to move forward right away because the experts tell us, and we could see their reasoning, that open adoption helps your child.  Open communication gets you answers, gets you medical information, potentially gets you closure.  Open communication could mean less feelings of abandonment, could mean less questioning about identity, less pain in the healing.  We know that even in a perfect situation, our child won't be guaranteed a perfect little life where being adopted doesn't bother him ever.  But, like all parents, we want our child to have as little pain as possible and to grow up healthy, reasonably happy and good people.  And even if it's awkward, even if it's scary, even if it's really hard sometimes, we're willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.  If that means sharing the title of "mother" with someone my child knows by name, I'm willing to do that for him.  Because, I think by definition, the title "mother" means that this decision should be all about him.




We didn't know what our open adoption situation would look like and honestly, we still don't.  As of right now, it is going quite well.  S and I have discussed the schooling of our son, some of her hobbies and interests, some of mine and planned a trip to visit her before the birth over a weekend in December.  The best short conversation we had was naming our son together-- she loved our first name and we asked her to pick out the middle name (which we also loved). 
When we meet in December, more pieces will be put in place. I will finally see the face that I will someday recognize pieces of when I look at my son.  I will see her pregnant belly, see the area she lives, see her mannerisms.




It might seem strange to those outside of the adoption realm that I am having regular conversations with S.  It might seem like it would be awkward or scary or strange.  It really hasn't been thus far. 


You see, S is a person.  Just like me.  She deals with dramas that perhaps I don't have to and she has made choices that perhaps I wouldn't have made.  She has made a decision I couldn't make, but she has made it for very good reasons.  But I am a sinner, and she is a sinner.  She has good qualities, and I have good qualities.  Our relationship, just like every other relationship on the planet, will ebb and flow as time goes on.  As we build trust and interest in each other it will grow and it may fade with time.  Unlike other relationships, we have one huge connection that is both the greatest joy and the greatest tragedy-- the joy of a son and the tragedy of his departure from her life.  She may need to step away for a time to heal from this.  She may need to be in more contact to see her decision was right.  Her life may go exceedingly well (as we would wish and pray for her), or she may have struggles.  We may disagree on something in the future that causes conflict.




But here we are and I am committed to doing, at a minimum, what we have agreed in pictures, emails and contact.  I would love to get to know S very well, and that she would be open to a relationship with the son we will be connected by.  I pray that I will be able to be wise in my communication with her, as sometimes it can be a bit of a gray area as to what I should and should not say.   There are certain areas of her life that we've been advised not to discuss that I would love to know more about.  There are certain things I would love for her to ask us about but don't want to put pressure on her if she doesn't want to know the answers.  I pray that I will have enough confidence in my "mommyness" that I won't become frightened by her presence.  I pray that this will be a positive part of our son's life.
And I pray every day for S, for her safety, her health and her peace, no matter her decision.  But most importantly, I pray multiple times a day for that little boy, that he will grow up to be a good and Godly man, no matter who raises him.

Half Life

November 10 is our dating anniversary. Maybe it's silly to celebrate a dating anniversary when you have a marriage anniversary, but it's something you celebrate when you are high school sweethearts and I didn't see any reason to take away a celebration just because we were adding one.

On November 10, 2001, Jim and I went on our first date.  Taco John's and a hike.  Jim's taco had a bug in it.  It was beautiful fall colors but we walked in awkward first date silence.

Before then, however, I liked him as the "boy from church" and he eventually started liking me back.  The time frame on crushes is pretty blurry, however, and does not have an official date.  If it did, you could be guaranteed I would be celebrating that, also.

I have been exclusively Jim's "girl" for half of my life.  After November 10 I will have been with Jim longer than I have been without him.

Jim and Gail when we were in high school.

I was 14 on that first date, 14 years ago.  Think about that.  Our relationship is as old as a freshman in high school.  Somewhere out there, there is a teenager who grew from a baby to a toddler to the moody person they are today while Jim and I have been learning to become one.  

Busting a move in the hallway before prom.

A youth retreat while we were dating.

Our wedding day, if you didn't guess.

Jim and I soon after our marriage.

I grew up dating Jim, so I learned how to be his wife right along with algebra and history classes.  Not to say I didn't learn plenty more after we were married or as we have changed through the years.  If you would have told me that my graphing calculator toting boyfriend of high school would be known for his long distance cycling in our late 20's I wouldn't have believed it.  I would have been in even more disbelief if you had told me I would be running 6 days a week and all about fitness.

On a date.

When Jim took me on my dream vacation!

Top of Harney Peak.

At the Salt Lake City Zoo.

In any case, half of my life has been devoted to that blue-eyed fella' who still makes me smile when he walks in a room.  He's been my best friend and confidant since my freshman year of high school.  These past couple of years have been hard with infertility stuff and adoption process stress, but our relationship has never been in question.  We're in it for the long hall and we're pretty excited to see what the next 14, 24, 34, maybe even 50 years have in store (hoping we live that long!).

At Gail's wedding-- the bride actually took this picture.