The great thing about being a potential adoptive family with a national agency is the exposure we are given. Throughout the US, potential birth mothers can look at the profile of a quiet couple from Western Nebraska, which means that monthly we are being shown to a dozen or more women who have a hard choice to make but who could maybe choose us to be the parents of their unborn child.
The horrible thing about being a potential adoptive family with a national agency is the exposure we are given. Throughout the US, potential birth mothers can look at our profile, meaning a dozen or more women every month since we became active have chosen someone else.
We knew going in that adoption is tricky and requires patience, and we have prayed multiple times a day that the right situation come into our lives, the situation that will be best for our future son or daughter, even if it means we have to wait forever, even if it means we end up in a situation we weren't expecting. We knew that women considering adoptions are given a pile of profiles to sift through and there are a lot of factors that go into her decision.
But it doesn't matter how much we knew or how much we continue to learn. Rejection hurts.
In mid-August a little girl was born somewhere in Nebraska and she went home with another family. Through a series of events we found out we were one of just a couple of choices her biological mother had narrowed it down to. She chose them. She didn't choose us. That little girl is in a family that will love her dearly, and I hope she grows up to become a lovely woman with a beautiful life. But on her due date, I realized I could've been her mother that day if things had gone differently.
Rejection comes in all shapes and sizes but it all feels about the same. I found out recently that I wasn't as important to some people as they were to me and it hurt in the same place. It felt the same when the publishing companies told me they weren't interested in my music.
We go way back, rejection and I. It happens when you wear bright red overalls to school because you think they are cool... but they aren't.
But I don't like to feel like a victim and blame the world when I'm rejected, because I find no one really cares how much you point the finger outward. Trying to find a place for the blame isn't making the problem itself go away.
Rejection hurts because it hits my pride. I thought we were a cute, fun loving couple that any woman considering adoption would fall in love with. I was convinced I was important to someone when I wasn't. I thought my music was good enough to publish so I sent it in.
But we aren't, I wasn't, it wasn't. And when one thing feels like it isn't good enough, it spreads like a disease, until suddenly I don't feel good enough. How easy it is to fall into a self-made pit when you feel less than good enough.
Fact is, I am not always going to be good enough. But, I have a deep and unmoving worth. I am a person whose life has value. The good Sunday School student answer is that I was created in God's image and therefore have worth. That I am not good enough but by grace through faith I get to be His anyway. But it goes beyond that, too. The rejections I face today aren't my whole story. Our profile has to be rejected just enough times for the right situation to fall into place. I have to be rejected by people important to me to notice who doesn't, to remember not to do it to others.
Rejection hurts but pain almost always goes away with time.
And in the meantime, I have three dogs. Which is the definition of complete and total acceptance and devotion at all times. Even as I write this, with all three snoring at my feet.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
The Perfect Day
The prairie has it's own beauty-- open spaces, wide rivers, tall grass, meticulously organized fields, the sand in the dirt creating interesting formations in the low rolling hills.
But I'm a woods girl at heart. I love the clicks and gurgles of the small creeks that run through the nooks and crannies of the hills, the wind whistling through the tree tops, the crunch the needles and cones of the pines made beneath my feet. The smell of hot sap in the summer and clear, spruce scented winters. I love not knowing what is around the corner until I get there on a small tunneled path surrounded by trees.
Which is why Jim and I promised each other that we would make trips to the forest often, be it the Hills of South Dakota or the mountains of Colorado. This year, with the exception of my sister-in-laws wedding, I wasn't able to spend any time in the woods. Jim's vacation days went to cycling adventures so I stayed home.
My husband recognized a problem and sent out to fix it. He knew that circumstances around our future adoption plans and life in general had me feeling impatient, rejected, lonely and stressed, he did what he knew would heal my heart. Friday night, as I was falling asleep, we talked about where the nearest forest would be and how we could get there. Saturday morning, after a 10 mile run for me and Men's Bible Study for him, we were off to Halsey, NE. Jim took me to the woods!
The minute we pulled in at the recreation area, I rolled down my window and breathed in the smell of home that every forest has (plus smoke from Oregon, which oddly reminded me of home as well, since we experienced a fire in the Hills a few years ago). We went to Scott Lookout Tower first, where David was brave enough to climb to the top. Jim and I took turns climbing the stairs, as the little dogs were too afraid of heights to join us.
We then started down the trail that would lead to the ranger station 3 miles away. We went a ways down the trail before it became obvious that it had too many sand burs for the dogs to enjoy the trip and we turned around.
We walked around the picnic area, crossing the river at the entrance of the forest on a beautiful bridge.
When we got back to North Platte, we stopped at Cold Stone and Qdoba before coming home to watch a movie.
It wasn't a full vacation and we spent more time driving than we did outside of the car, but it was a wonderful day.
I remembered how much I love the woods. I got to do some of my favorite things in exploring new territory, hiking and climbing towers (I don't know why I love climbing up towers, I just do).
Most importantly, however, I was reminded that neither the woods or the prairie are my home. That God provided a temporary home for me on this earth--Jim is that home. Until the day He gives us children, Jim is my family. I was reminded that I was so important to my husband that he would drive 5 hours on a Saturday just so I could spend a little while with some trees. I was reminded that a simple day with my little family of my guy and three dogs can be the perfect day. I was reminded again just how fortunate I am to be married to one of the greatest guys in the world.
Thanks for the great day, sweet heart.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
The Comments Section
I have never found something so consuming, frustrating and tactless as the comments section. It is my estimation that I spend approximately an hour a week reading the comments section on various things-- from youtube videos to blog posts to Facebook debate pages. As someone who is resolutely against participating in most forms of debate, I am often surprised by me interest in what others have to say on any given topic. Yet there I sit, reading, often times getting upset, almost always leaving in a worse mood than I started with. And today, I got so angry I contributed to the madness in one comment.
The comments section is where grammar, kindness and thought out responses go to die.
It's truly unfortunate that people allow the anonymity of a computer screen bolster their courage to say whatever is on their mind, whether it is worthy of the time it takes to type it or not. Opinion, it seems, is far more important than knowledge in internet-land. With the access to millions of opinions, some sounding quite legitimate, it is easy to find someone who agrees with any given idea, fueling this audacity of online commenting
When I discovered the world of online forums, I was excited. As someone naturally shy and constantly thinking about how my words might come across, I looked forward to a place where I didn't have to respond in the moment. Where I could carefully formulate my opinion, word it carefully, and post it when I was prepared to share it. It wasn't long until I left the two forums I had joined because I learned that for some reason, this wasn't a common thought about online conversation.
Most often, it's swiped, incorrect words replacing important ones so what may have been a convincing statement comes across as jibberish (I'm guilty of the swipe faux pas, but I do my best to keep those between my husband and I, so when I accidentally say "ovaries" instead of "oboe reeds", it's something we can giggle about later). The angrier someone becomes, I have found, the less likely they are to use the word they want, spell things correctly, or avoid unnecessary curse words. Some responses, to even the most mundane of videos or articles, are illegible by the time they are posted.
When the responses are a bit more thought out and therefore understandable, they are sometimes so filled with hate that they are hard to read. Without the filter of everyday, face to face conversation, people tend to say things that can be really hurtful, whether they are directed at a particular person or not.
The comments section has done a good job of telling me that everything I am is something someone else is adamantly against and they are more than willing to share their disdain online. Everything from my faith, my pets, my hobbies, my diet, and even our decision to adopt an infant have been topics attacked. It may not be directed at me personally, but some of these cruel comments hit on something very personal for me or someone close to me.
Today, I responded to a comment on a debate page. A woman believed that those adopting an infant "suck" because they are just "waiting around for the perfect baby" instead of adopting from foster care. It was such an ignorant comment, to assume that anyone who desires a child should just hope right into foster parenting, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. All of us in the adoption world have very specific reasons for going the route we do, and we have very important reasons for ours, none of which are the "perfect baby", or "one that looks like we do" (another assumption of the poster in question). She said some hurtful things about adoptive parents of infants and it got under my skin too quickly and too deeply. I won't give it any more attention here, because her thoughts were lacking in information and I think she may have meant well in the end. But she attacked not only something important to me, but she also attacked some of the best people in my life with her comments and I couldn't stand it. I broke a Kristin's Cardinal Rule and replied in the heat of the moment-- luckily, I did a few rephrases before posting and I feel I came across clearly and without sounding like a nut case.
You see, as much as I hate generalizations and as much as I want to believe this isn't true, we live in a world where face to face contact is less and less important and freedom of speech now means you are encouraged to be painfully opinionated without any reasoning behind those opinions. We live in a world where "u r such an iafiot, i can sharz my opinion on dis" is an acceptable rebuttal (actual quote, mind you). We live in a world where we are supposedly accepting of so many things now but can't hold our tongues on any given topic.
I suppose it's always been this way, people destroying other people with their words. It was a problem even in Biblical times, though sometimes I feel like verses were written exactly for online conversation.
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Proverbs 17:28
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19
The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin. Proverbs 10:8
Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 13:3
Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Colossians 4:5-6
and last one of the day
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
People can be cruel. It doesn't mean we have to be, too. Like the old song goes "Oh, be careful little mouth, what you say".
The comments section is where grammar, kindness and thought out responses go to die.
It's truly unfortunate that people allow the anonymity of a computer screen bolster their courage to say whatever is on their mind, whether it is worthy of the time it takes to type it or not. Opinion, it seems, is far more important than knowledge in internet-land. With the access to millions of opinions, some sounding quite legitimate, it is easy to find someone who agrees with any given idea, fueling this audacity of online commenting
When I discovered the world of online forums, I was excited. As someone naturally shy and constantly thinking about how my words might come across, I looked forward to a place where I didn't have to respond in the moment. Where I could carefully formulate my opinion, word it carefully, and post it when I was prepared to share it. It wasn't long until I left the two forums I had joined because I learned that for some reason, this wasn't a common thought about online conversation.
Most often, it's swiped, incorrect words replacing important ones so what may have been a convincing statement comes across as jibberish (I'm guilty of the swipe faux pas, but I do my best to keep those between my husband and I, so when I accidentally say "ovaries" instead of "oboe reeds", it's something we can giggle about later). The angrier someone becomes, I have found, the less likely they are to use the word they want, spell things correctly, or avoid unnecessary curse words. Some responses, to even the most mundane of videos or articles, are illegible by the time they are posted.
When the responses are a bit more thought out and therefore understandable, they are sometimes so filled with hate that they are hard to read. Without the filter of everyday, face to face conversation, people tend to say things that can be really hurtful, whether they are directed at a particular person or not.
The comments section has done a good job of telling me that everything I am is something someone else is adamantly against and they are more than willing to share their disdain online. Everything from my faith, my pets, my hobbies, my diet, and even our decision to adopt an infant have been topics attacked. It may not be directed at me personally, but some of these cruel comments hit on something very personal for me or someone close to me.
Today, I responded to a comment on a debate page. A woman believed that those adopting an infant "suck" because they are just "waiting around for the perfect baby" instead of adopting from foster care. It was such an ignorant comment, to assume that anyone who desires a child should just hope right into foster parenting, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. All of us in the adoption world have very specific reasons for going the route we do, and we have very important reasons for ours, none of which are the "perfect baby", or "one that looks like we do" (another assumption of the poster in question). She said some hurtful things about adoptive parents of infants and it got under my skin too quickly and too deeply. I won't give it any more attention here, because her thoughts were lacking in information and I think she may have meant well in the end. But she attacked not only something important to me, but she also attacked some of the best people in my life with her comments and I couldn't stand it. I broke a Kristin's Cardinal Rule and replied in the heat of the moment-- luckily, I did a few rephrases before posting and I feel I came across clearly and without sounding like a nut case.
You see, as much as I hate generalizations and as much as I want to believe this isn't true, we live in a world where face to face contact is less and less important and freedom of speech now means you are encouraged to be painfully opinionated without any reasoning behind those opinions. We live in a world where "u r such an iafiot, i can sharz my opinion on dis" is an acceptable rebuttal (actual quote, mind you). We live in a world where we are supposedly accepting of so many things now but can't hold our tongues on any given topic.
I suppose it's always been this way, people destroying other people with their words. It was a problem even in Biblical times, though sometimes I feel like verses were written exactly for online conversation.
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Proverbs 17:28
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19
The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin. Proverbs 10:8
Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 13:3
Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Colossians 4:5-6
and last one of the day
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
People can be cruel. It doesn't mean we have to be, too. Like the old song goes "Oh, be careful little mouth, what you say".
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