I'm an aspiring minimalist. This means part of my life goal is to not have anything in my life that isn't "useful, or that I find beautiful". Not only in material possessions, but in how I use my time as well. I don't want to waste my life doing things that aren't useful or beautiful.
It is sometimes hard to live this way in our busy, over-scheduled world. We have jobs and kids and lives that take our time all the time and we just hope everyone else understands that we don't have time to grow relationships with other people because we are just "SO BUSY". And when we finally do have those moments all to our self, we want to fill them with something mindless, because we feel we need a break from our "busy".
But can I tell you my opinion?
This "busy" that we all seem to be a victim of?
It's ruining everything.
First, we are turning our moments of silence into an information overload that makes us feel even more busy. Watching youtube videos, scrolling through facebook, instagram, twitter, or reading online articles, is making our brains process a lot of information all at once. It leaves us more tired than had we just read a book (one story line to follow), played a board game (being actually involved in a relationship building exercise with someone else) or working on something we want to improve on (bettering ourselves).
Second, we are missing opportunities to build relationships. People are important. Dare I say more important than our schedules. You may feel that whatever you are doing is very important, and perhaps it is, but when was the last time you sacrificed having something done in order to bless someone else? When was the last time you asked someone to coffee just because, even though you were "so busy"? Relationships aren't built in one sitting. They aren't built, then sit in a patient, stable state until we need them again. Relationships need time and we aren't giving it anymore. We are too busy to devout our time to others.
Third, we are missing God's callings. We are so busy getting our daily chores done, that we don't notice God giving us a path, or when we do, we make excuses. You are never too busy to do what God wants you to do. Never. Don't believe me? My boss, a small business owner who can sometimes have a very hectic schedule, is in India right now on a missions trip. He has every excuse to stay here but he went. I'm not saying God is sending us all to India (oh please, Lord, India scares the daylight out of me!), but what have I maybe missed because I was too busy?
Fourth, it's ruining common courtesy. We are too busy to be polite, too busy to put our phones away at dinner, too busy to help an old lady across the street or offer a hand to someone needing it. Our days are filled with things so much more important than what other people might have that we don't give them a second glance. We are annoyed in slow checkout lines, we look the other way when we see someone with a flat tire, we make excuses to avoid time with people, we justify our rudeness as "rushed-ness".
Fifth and most important, we are missing the important stuff. When I'm old and sitting in a comfortable rocking chair on my front porch with great grandchildren at my ankles, I want to look back at my life and see great things. My phone screen isn't great. My accomplishments, while they will make my obituary look nice, aren't going to be the things I remember. I'm going to remember the times I spent with other people-- the times I blew off something that I thought was super important to play with my child, the times Jim and I went for long walks all over town to discuss our hopes and our dreams. The times I stayed up late trying to perfect the chocolate chip cookie for my husband. The times I played a piece I worked on and it moves someone to tears. The times I'm cuddling with my puppies. These are the things I will remember. Not that I always kept my calendar full and was impatient, rude,and stopped building relationships with other people.
I say we throughout this post because WE live in a busy world. I can't think of a single person who reads this or who might stumble upon this who hasn't been a "victim" of their own busy schedule. I have been blown off and ignored by people who were too busy to ever call, email, write, or try to spend time with me...even people who read this. I have done the same to others. We can't be all things to all people and I don't expect everyone to spend time with every person they have ever built a relationship with (nor am I expecting a sudden onslaught of emails, calls and letters), but we can all try a little bit harder to stop the busy and start the living.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Where I'm At
It's time to update on our big announcement made in late November or early December.
I debated doing this, as those in my everyday circle have heard enough about adoption in the past month that I'm sure they are tired of me talking about it. I debated it because once it's all done and official, the story is no longer mine to tell. However, I know myself, and once a child does enter this home they are definitely going to be a topic on the blog. So, I decided to just be me and annoy you all just a little longer and update those who aren't being updated as frequently.
We are finished with our home study and it is currently being reviewed at our adoption agency. We have completed our "APQ" or Adoption Profile Questionnaire that tells the agency what amount of openness, substance abuse and races we are open to. We have completed our portion of our profile, by filling our pages of personal questions, sending in 150 pictures of us (side note; do you know anyone who has 150 pictures of themselves in the past 3 years? As a couple? That aren't just all selfies?), and our video profile. We are within days of becoming active at our agency, which means we will be eligible to be viewed by birth parents considering an adoption plan.
So, on the technical end of things, we are set and could (though highly, highly unlikely) be parents in February. The wait time our agency says is probably is between 3-12 months. The amount of flexibility we had in our profile suggested a shorter wait time, but as any other money making business, they claimed our lower budget suggested a long wait time. At this point, however, it's really just being shown to the "right" birth family. It takes just one to chose us, and that could be at any time.
Emotionally, I'm in a very peaceful place. The moment we made the decision we felt a weight lifted off of our shoulders and it was if the perceived silence from God was broken by Him exclaiming "FINALLY! THIS is what I planned for you!". We were very excited and felt confirmed in our decision and confident with every step in that direction so far.
There was a dark couple of weeks in the midst of our education hours as we read through books about adoption. Anyone who has adopted knows that these books are designed to point out the things that could go wrong. It's the job of these books to take the people who just "want a baby" and make them realize that adoption is at it's start a tragedy and you may experience things because of that. Reading all of this negative, combined with my stupid decision to get online, made me feel like a terrible person for wanting to adopt a child. I know to some out there that might sound backwards. I have a lot of thoughts on this but I will save them for another time.
We have come full circle, however, and have realized that while some of those things in the scary books might happen, we still have the opportunity to raise a child, and even though his or her life may start in a terrible way, we want so much to provide the best childhood possible for our son or daughter. So we are back to being excited, with an underlying sadness for the situation that will lead us to so much joy.
Financially, we are getting there, but still a long way off. It seems we find more little expenses as we go along. But, we are working hard and budgeting carefully. I opened my studio for more students and have applied at the movie theater to work weekends. I have found a grant we are eligible for that I will be applying for. And we have received some generous donations from some of the most amazing people. We are still planning on hosting a fundraising race and trying to raise money through my first marathon and Jim's BRAN experience, as well as selling some things we can do without.
News travels fast in a small town, so I find myself talking about adoption to a lot of people I never would have thought would be interested. It seems no matter where I go, there is someone who wants to ask questions, and even though I'm not a fountain of knowledge on the subject, I've learned (through personal experience and through sharing with others) that there are a lot of misconceptions about adoption and a lot of mystery. I feel a great responsibility in sharing and educating when people are interested. Everyone I speak with seems at least a little interested.
The most amazing part, the most humbling part, is the amount of encouragement and support we've received. We've had people bend over backwards to help us-- from writing references to doing video interviews. I've had brave people share their personal adoption stories with me in great detail to put into perspective what I might expect. We've had some of the most beautiful notes written to us and donations to our adoption fund that we didn't expect. It's been humbling and overwhelming the amount of love we have received. I can't even talk about it without my heart swelling. I can't say thank you in enough ways to these people to express how grateful we are. I have some truly incredible people in my life.
So we are in a good, peaceful place. A time of waiting. A time of hope.
I debated doing this, as those in my everyday circle have heard enough about adoption in the past month that I'm sure they are tired of me talking about it. I debated it because once it's all done and official, the story is no longer mine to tell. However, I know myself, and once a child does enter this home they are definitely going to be a topic on the blog. So, I decided to just be me and annoy you all just a little longer and update those who aren't being updated as frequently.
We are finished with our home study and it is currently being reviewed at our adoption agency. We have completed our "APQ" or Adoption Profile Questionnaire that tells the agency what amount of openness, substance abuse and races we are open to. We have completed our portion of our profile, by filling our pages of personal questions, sending in 150 pictures of us (side note; do you know anyone who has 150 pictures of themselves in the past 3 years? As a couple? That aren't just all selfies?), and our video profile. We are within days of becoming active at our agency, which means we will be eligible to be viewed by birth parents considering an adoption plan.
So, on the technical end of things, we are set and could (though highly, highly unlikely) be parents in February. The wait time our agency says is probably is between 3-12 months. The amount of flexibility we had in our profile suggested a shorter wait time, but as any other money making business, they claimed our lower budget suggested a long wait time. At this point, however, it's really just being shown to the "right" birth family. It takes just one to chose us, and that could be at any time.
Emotionally, I'm in a very peaceful place. The moment we made the decision we felt a weight lifted off of our shoulders and it was if the perceived silence from God was broken by Him exclaiming "FINALLY! THIS is what I planned for you!". We were very excited and felt confirmed in our decision and confident with every step in that direction so far.
There was a dark couple of weeks in the midst of our education hours as we read through books about adoption. Anyone who has adopted knows that these books are designed to point out the things that could go wrong. It's the job of these books to take the people who just "want a baby" and make them realize that adoption is at it's start a tragedy and you may experience things because of that. Reading all of this negative, combined with my stupid decision to get online, made me feel like a terrible person for wanting to adopt a child. I know to some out there that might sound backwards. I have a lot of thoughts on this but I will save them for another time.
We have come full circle, however, and have realized that while some of those things in the scary books might happen, we still have the opportunity to raise a child, and even though his or her life may start in a terrible way, we want so much to provide the best childhood possible for our son or daughter. So we are back to being excited, with an underlying sadness for the situation that will lead us to so much joy.
Financially, we are getting there, but still a long way off. It seems we find more little expenses as we go along. But, we are working hard and budgeting carefully. I opened my studio for more students and have applied at the movie theater to work weekends. I have found a grant we are eligible for that I will be applying for. And we have received some generous donations from some of the most amazing people. We are still planning on hosting a fundraising race and trying to raise money through my first marathon and Jim's BRAN experience, as well as selling some things we can do without.
News travels fast in a small town, so I find myself talking about adoption to a lot of people I never would have thought would be interested. It seems no matter where I go, there is someone who wants to ask questions, and even though I'm not a fountain of knowledge on the subject, I've learned (through personal experience and through sharing with others) that there are a lot of misconceptions about adoption and a lot of mystery. I feel a great responsibility in sharing and educating when people are interested. Everyone I speak with seems at least a little interested.
The most amazing part, the most humbling part, is the amount of encouragement and support we've received. We've had people bend over backwards to help us-- from writing references to doing video interviews. I've had brave people share their personal adoption stories with me in great detail to put into perspective what I might expect. We've had some of the most beautiful notes written to us and donations to our adoption fund that we didn't expect. It's been humbling and overwhelming the amount of love we have received. I can't even talk about it without my heart swelling. I can't say thank you in enough ways to these people to express how grateful we are. I have some truly incredible people in my life.
So we are in a good, peaceful place. A time of waiting. A time of hope.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Go Out Of Your Way
As you might imagine, I have one very large life decision that is pretty much at the forefront of my mind all the time now, which makes blog writing difficult. Most people who read this are already in my circle and have heard enough about the "a" word the past few weeks.
So instead, I'd like to focus on something that never gets talked about enough.
Being Nice.
Going out of your way to make someone else's day better.
Putting aside your own needs for just a bit for the sake of someone else.
Most people I know would go out of their way to help someone and might do nice things without a lot of thought. That's the joy of living in a small town and associating with the caliber of people that I do. The friends I have here have been "caught" in the act of doing something nice on numerous occasions. In the ten minutes I was at the local coffee shop, I witnessed one giving after another. First, two elderly ladies were splitting a sandwich-- the first offered that the second pick the bread,then the second offered to pay. Then, there was a "polite fight" about who was in line first and I am certain the person who ended up going next was not next in line, but no one seemed to mind. As it was busy, one woman who is a regular got her own coffee cup and poured her own drink and left money near the register (including tip) and told Heather what she had gotten, just so she wouldn't be in the way. There wasn't a lot of cheddar broccoli soup left and everyone was ordering it, so I asked Heather to change my order to chilli so the person behind me could have the soup of her choice. I paid for my soup with a gift certificate given to me as a simple "nice gesture" from a sweet friend.
We didn't have to do this. We could have waited in line, stared grumpily at our shoes, bought our items and waited impatiently for our order to be filled. We could have left having not said a word and the world would have kept going. Instead, we all left feeling a little more uplifted by the kindness of others. No one saved the day or handed us $100 bills, but those little acts surely lifted everyone's spirits.
Kindness doesn't take a lot. I missed out on the broccoli cheese soup yesterday, but chilli was just fine. It wasn't my first choice, but it's one lunch of 7 for the week, I think I can handle not having exactly what I wanted. Letting someone go ahead of me in line at the Safeway check out line made my wait a whole five minutes longer than it needed to be, but I still got to where I needed to go with plenty of time to spare. Being aware of my surroundings and saying "excuse me" when I walk close to someone does nothing but make the world a little more polite and was of no inconvenience to me at all. Smiling at people when they make eye contact just makes me smile more in a day.
It's cliche to say we live in a busy world. But we do. It's the truth. Our noses (including mine, unfortunately) are close to our phones. We have schedules to keep, things to do. Sometimes it's easy to think that everyone else should accomadate us because what we have to do is so much more important. Sometimes it's easy to cut someone off in traffic or keep or walk past someone who might need a hand because we've got places to be. Sometimes, we might even think about it but decide that everyone will understand why we didn't do something nice. As the saying goes, we judge others by actions and ourselves by our intentions. We intend to be nice but sometimes we don't do it. But boy, we notice when someone else isn't acting nice.
So I'd like to challenge you, even if you think you have this whole "nice" thing down, to keep doing it. It's not about looking good, it's not about letting everyone step on you. It's not necessary to make the world go 'round. It's just to make life a little better.
Going out of your way, even just a little, does a lot of little things. You are given a sense of satisfaction for a job well done (I picture it's a quick wink from God, saying, "hey, nice job, kid!"). That feels good, so we want to replicate it, so you do a few more nice things. Those nice things make other people see the nice happening and feel good about it. So they do a nice thing.
Nice is catching people, and it's not a bad thing. Make it a habit and it'll make things better. We all know this already, but we need to keep talking about it. Kindness is important.
So instead, I'd like to focus on something that never gets talked about enough.
Being Nice.
Going out of your way to make someone else's day better.
Putting aside your own needs for just a bit for the sake of someone else.
Most people I know would go out of their way to help someone and might do nice things without a lot of thought. That's the joy of living in a small town and associating with the caliber of people that I do. The friends I have here have been "caught" in the act of doing something nice on numerous occasions. In the ten minutes I was at the local coffee shop, I witnessed one giving after another. First, two elderly ladies were splitting a sandwich-- the first offered that the second pick the bread,then the second offered to pay. Then, there was a "polite fight" about who was in line first and I am certain the person who ended up going next was not next in line, but no one seemed to mind. As it was busy, one woman who is a regular got her own coffee cup and poured her own drink and left money near the register (including tip) and told Heather what she had gotten, just so she wouldn't be in the way. There wasn't a lot of cheddar broccoli soup left and everyone was ordering it, so I asked Heather to change my order to chilli so the person behind me could have the soup of her choice. I paid for my soup with a gift certificate given to me as a simple "nice gesture" from a sweet friend.
We didn't have to do this. We could have waited in line, stared grumpily at our shoes, bought our items and waited impatiently for our order to be filled. We could have left having not said a word and the world would have kept going. Instead, we all left feeling a little more uplifted by the kindness of others. No one saved the day or handed us $100 bills, but those little acts surely lifted everyone's spirits.
Kindness doesn't take a lot. I missed out on the broccoli cheese soup yesterday, but chilli was just fine. It wasn't my first choice, but it's one lunch of 7 for the week, I think I can handle not having exactly what I wanted. Letting someone go ahead of me in line at the Safeway check out line made my wait a whole five minutes longer than it needed to be, but I still got to where I needed to go with plenty of time to spare. Being aware of my surroundings and saying "excuse me" when I walk close to someone does nothing but make the world a little more polite and was of no inconvenience to me at all. Smiling at people when they make eye contact just makes me smile more in a day.
It's cliche to say we live in a busy world. But we do. It's the truth. Our noses (including mine, unfortunately) are close to our phones. We have schedules to keep, things to do. Sometimes it's easy to think that everyone else should accomadate us because what we have to do is so much more important. Sometimes it's easy to cut someone off in traffic or keep or walk past someone who might need a hand because we've got places to be. Sometimes, we might even think about it but decide that everyone will understand why we didn't do something nice. As the saying goes, we judge others by actions and ourselves by our intentions. We intend to be nice but sometimes we don't do it. But boy, we notice when someone else isn't acting nice.
So I'd like to challenge you, even if you think you have this whole "nice" thing down, to keep doing it. It's not about looking good, it's not about letting everyone step on you. It's not necessary to make the world go 'round. It's just to make life a little better.
Going out of your way, even just a little, does a lot of little things. You are given a sense of satisfaction for a job well done (I picture it's a quick wink from God, saying, "hey, nice job, kid!"). That feels good, so we want to replicate it, so you do a few more nice things. Those nice things make other people see the nice happening and feel good about it. So they do a nice thing.
Nice is catching people, and it's not a bad thing. Make it a habit and it'll make things better. We all know this already, but we need to keep talking about it. Kindness is important.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
2015
Today there are thousands of bloggers, from the little personal ones like mine to the big professionals, who will be recapping 2014 or looking forward to 2015. I'm no exception.
2014 was a great year and a terrible year. A trip to Hawaii to celebrate my dad being cancer free, celebrating my best friends family growing, my parents buying land in our area so they can move here. My job continued to go well, my studio was full of amazing kids, my dogs continued to be awesome. I had a lot of personal triumphs this year, too-- 5K, 10K and half marathon PRs, organizing a 65 mile running event and summer jazz band and learning the cello. Best of all, we are 8 years strong in our marriage and 13 years in our relationship and are more freakishly happy every day.
During the Hawaii trip to celebrate being cancer free, we got a call from the doctor saying it was no longer so. After 7 years of "not, not trying" we began charting and temping (words only the trying to conceive world would understand) and going through a terrible cycle of hope and complete devastation every month. My faith really struggled as I tried to understand why God would allow such unfair things to happen and why He seemed to go completely silent when I needed Him the most. My relationships with others struggled, as I have always been one willing to be the listening ear and support when needed but I needed that support and didn't know how to ask for it.
The negative circumstances are resolved for the most part, however. My dad is again "cancer free", though we will never again believe he is in the clear for good. And, as you know, an old conversation from our dating years resurfaced and we decided to try to become adoptive parents. With that decision, the stress and pain from the months of trying completely disappeared and God seemed to spotlight the decision and say "see? I was listening, THIS is the plan!".
So as I look forward to 2015, I feel a sense of peace that is indescribable and makes no sense with the amount of unknowns in our future. We don't know if and when we will be chosen by a birth mother to parent the infant she gives life to. We don't know a lot about babies and might be thrust into parenthood in a hotel when we are chosen. We don't know how we'll finance the adoption process without going into debt. We don't know how the legal aspects after the placement happen. We don't know if plans will change at the last minute.
I will be writing my first grant for the arts council and don't know how I will do. I will be running my first marathon, as well, which seems impossible. Jim will be completing his first BRAN (Bike Ride Across Nebraska), the most intense week of riding he will have had to date.
But, it will also be a year of complete blessings. Even if we don't become parents this year, we have already seen an outpouring of love from family and friends. I can't explain the feeling we have gotten from the encouraging cards and prayers and how humbling it is when financial assistance has been given. It's incredible. I have never felt so blessed to live where we do, to have the home and jobs that we do, and the people in our lives that we do. We feel blessed that we have hope to becoming parents again, and blessed that God has sped the process along.
In all the uncertainty coming our way, we are convinced there are more blessings coming our way through them as well.
Thank you, friends and family, for your contribution to the past 27 years, and I look forward to 2015 with you.
2014 was a great year and a terrible year. A trip to Hawaii to celebrate my dad being cancer free, celebrating my best friends family growing, my parents buying land in our area so they can move here. My job continued to go well, my studio was full of amazing kids, my dogs continued to be awesome. I had a lot of personal triumphs this year, too-- 5K, 10K and half marathon PRs, organizing a 65 mile running event and summer jazz band and learning the cello. Best of all, we are 8 years strong in our marriage and 13 years in our relationship and are more freakishly happy every day.
During the Hawaii trip to celebrate being cancer free, we got a call from the doctor saying it was no longer so. After 7 years of "not, not trying" we began charting and temping (words only the trying to conceive world would understand) and going through a terrible cycle of hope and complete devastation every month. My faith really struggled as I tried to understand why God would allow such unfair things to happen and why He seemed to go completely silent when I needed Him the most. My relationships with others struggled, as I have always been one willing to be the listening ear and support when needed but I needed that support and didn't know how to ask for it.
The negative circumstances are resolved for the most part, however. My dad is again "cancer free", though we will never again believe he is in the clear for good. And, as you know, an old conversation from our dating years resurfaced and we decided to try to become adoptive parents. With that decision, the stress and pain from the months of trying completely disappeared and God seemed to spotlight the decision and say "see? I was listening, THIS is the plan!".
So as I look forward to 2015, I feel a sense of peace that is indescribable and makes no sense with the amount of unknowns in our future. We don't know if and when we will be chosen by a birth mother to parent the infant she gives life to. We don't know a lot about babies and might be thrust into parenthood in a hotel when we are chosen. We don't know how we'll finance the adoption process without going into debt. We don't know how the legal aspects after the placement happen. We don't know if plans will change at the last minute.
I will be writing my first grant for the arts council and don't know how I will do. I will be running my first marathon, as well, which seems impossible. Jim will be completing his first BRAN (Bike Ride Across Nebraska), the most intense week of riding he will have had to date.
But, it will also be a year of complete blessings. Even if we don't become parents this year, we have already seen an outpouring of love from family and friends. I can't explain the feeling we have gotten from the encouraging cards and prayers and how humbling it is when financial assistance has been given. It's incredible. I have never felt so blessed to live where we do, to have the home and jobs that we do, and the people in our lives that we do. We feel blessed that we have hope to becoming parents again, and blessed that God has sped the process along.
In all the uncertainty coming our way, we are convinced there are more blessings coming our way through them as well.
Thank you, friends and family, for your contribution to the past 27 years, and I look forward to 2015 with you.
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