Gratitude

Happy (Late) Thanksgiving!
I have much to be thankful for. 
I sometimes don't act like it.  This year in particular I have struggled with focusing on gratitude, which is silly when I look at the beautiful things that have happened in my life. 
This blog is late because I have had great few days spent with my husband son and parents, doing some of my favorite jobs at the music store (window display!) and doing the things I love.
So, here is my Thanksgiving list.  Because I love lists.  I could list much more, but 10 is such a good list number... which doesn't make me sound OCD at all, right?

1. Jim.  Without him, I wouldn't know who I am. Love my husband with all my heart.  He's a top notch fella'.

2. Josiah. My almost two year old, curly haired boy.  He says please, thank you (tank too), sings his ABC's (kind of) and knows more words every day.  He surprises me, thrills me and brings me joy.  I love this little boy more than life itself.

3. Josiah's mother.  Without her, my current life wouldn't be possible.  I wouldn't have a boy who has her beautiful brown eyes, or who looks like her when he is thinking about something.  I wouldn't have this beautiful son of mine.  I'm grateful not only for her decision or the boy she gave me, but her spirit.  A spirit of giving and self-sacrifice.  

4. My closest friends.  Danielle, who ran crazy distances with me this year and supported me through a couple of difficult times... especially during running those crazy distances.  Tanya, who was there for me in ways no one else was the past few years and who loved my son and I more than most anyone.

5. All of the people who have done little things to support our adoption process.  Sharing profiles, liking Facebook posts.  These things might be what results in Josiah's sibling.

6. My parents.  It's been awesome to watch my dad fall in love with his grandson.  That they are here in town and willing to be grandparent day care two days a week has been amazing.  I am grateful for our Friday night Ninja Warrior viewing parties with them, too.

7. Continued jobs, home and food.  The fact that we have never worried about our next meal or a place to sleep.  Grateful that we can provide a life for ourselves and our son and to give, as well.

8. My three puppies.  One poor little guy went blind this year, but his demeanor has only improved since it happened (of course, that might be because he gets more attention and pets than ever before!).  These furry friends continue to warm my heart and my feet.  They are sweet and keep me in check when I start to get frustrated (our German Shepherd is like a trained emotion dog-- he comes directly to me and starts pushing on me if he hears me get frustrated.  Unfortunately, it usually causes more frustration!).

9. Running.  Going about two weeks without consistent running after my 50K I realized that I need it more than I ever realized.  I am grateful to be able to run most every day.  Even if I'm sore or slow or cold, it makes me better.

10. All the little things that make life better- Chai tea lattes and the lady at the coffee shop that knows my order before I say it.  An awesome local movie theater and good places to eat for date nights.  A high school band worth cheering for.  Successful grocery shopping trips.  Chocolate lavender cake.  Soft french terry pajama pants.  Music and headphones.  Getting house projects done.  Free evenings at home with my boys.  Toy trucks and Llama Llama books.

The Honest Lie

In January of this year, soon after Josiah turned one, we signed on with a new adoption agency.  We had tried a few months on our own  to advertise ourselves with zero results and I was becoming increasingly concerned and impatient.  I jumped when I found an agency that was slightly less expensive than our previous one and gladly paid the large upfront payment after reading through their encouraging statistics and positive vibe.

We were the perfect potential adoptive parents, having our home study already completed, working tirelessly to get our profile completed in record time; she said motivated couples usually took a month, we were done in two weeks.  We followed their suggestions.  We made it upbeat, exciting and "unique" to us.  We avoided sounding at all desperate or like adoption on our end was hard. 
We made our video, smiles plastered on our faces as we glossed over infertility and right into the excitement and hope of becoming parents.

Per their suggestion we avoided featuring Josiah much in the video.  He is too young, they said, birth mothers may not like seeing us with another baby in the house.  So, still smiling, we barely mentioned the son that literally is the most important thing in my life.

So we focused on music and athleticism instead, because those things made us "unique" they said.  Pictures of me running races and Jim riding his bike.  Posed pictures of me playing instruments, of us sitting on our couch playing the guitar.   A posed picture of Jim sitting on our piano bench playing his electric guitar, not plugged in.  We took my parents to the nature park to have my dad catch shots of us walking down the path, playing on the benches (because, you know, we so frequently go to the nature park to jump on the benches).  We invited friends over to take posed pictures of us playing board games-- we actually played the board game and had a wonderful time, but the pictures were staged.  We had a neighbor come over to capture us casually picking apples from the apple tree I have neglected since we moved here and play with our dog in the front yard even though he is rarely allowed to play in the un-fenced front yard.

We described our lovely small town and how close we are to big cities even though we hardly get to the big cities.  We talked about the lake, even though we rarely visit.  We talked about how absolutely excited everyone in our life is to see us adopt, even though the excitement has worn off significantly since this is round number two.

We smiled, the pitch of our voices raised for excitement.

We made a facebook page.  We were encouraged not to talk about how hard the wait is, but to just share our lives-- positively.  So I post pictures of the happy times of cookie baking and festivals and avoid posting the flooring torn up after the fridge leak.  I think of fun facts about our family to share and make videos of things that are happy.

And it is real.  We are genuinely smiling in every picture and everything I share is genuinely a good thing in our lives.  We may have been faking the apple picking, but we were enjoying our time together and laughing at ourselves for ridiculous posing.  When I say I can't wait to have another child and give Josiah a sibling I'm not kidding.  The thought of it actually happening brings a thrill up my spine and a lightness to my heart.

And it is fake.  I am constantly considering and reconsidering what I post with concern about how happy it appears.  I don't smile often when the camera is put away.  If I were able to be completely honest to potential birth mothers, I would tell them that I am hurting for another child.  I would tell them that left alone with my thoughts for even a second my eyes fill with tears.  I would tell them that if I don't pay attention to myself carefully I can easily start to feel panic set in.  I would tell them that I don't really trust my agency and I'm kicking myself for pushing Jim to sign up with them.   I would tell them that when the adoption tax credit was potentially on the chopping board I worried that we would never be able to pay back my parents for the loan to adopt baby number 2.  I would tell them that I'm really scared that we will never be chosen again.  I would tell them that there have been days when I have felt the crushing weight of rejection knowing that if our agency is doing their job, dozens of women have not chosen us.

And it wasn't unique.  Just days after our profile featured on our agencies Facebook page, another couple was pictured sitting on their couch, playing guitars.  Not long after, another couple was shown picking apples.  We are so "unique" that we are the same.  Most every couple describes themselves as athletic or active, and often they are musical.  It's hard to pull yourself away from the pack when you only have 1500 words to describe yourself.

Being a potential adoptive parent is an honest endeavor.  It is also a bit of a lie.  We put our best face forward, hoping someone likes what they see.  We don't dare show how scared we are, how hurt, how disappointed.  So we smile, as genuinely as we can, and we save our tears for our desperate pleas to God that He answers us soon.

List of 25

I've been wanting to write a blog post for a while but just haven't had the creativity or interesting stories to do so.  We are redoing our flooring, so my house is a disaster, and with everything else going on in my life right now I'm feeling that way myself.  So I found a list of questions I thought would be fun to answer.  Because when I can't be creative, I let someone else do the heavy lifting... much like I'm letting Jim do the hard parts of the floor repair.


Question 1: When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you?
I'm usually pretty good at sharing when I've blown it.  But, there have been times when I played dumb and gotten away with things.  I honestly can't think of an example but they are, to my embarrassment, somewhere in my past. 
Question 2: What would you name your boat if you had one?
I wouldn't.  And if I did, I would name it, "I Wouldn't", because no one else would use that name for a boat.
Question 3: What will finally break the internet?
I thought Ellen already did that. 
Question 4: What celebrity would you rate as a perfect 10?
I wouldn't, but the highest ranking would probably be Zachary Levi.
Question 5: Which fictional character would be the most boring to meet in real life?
Edward Cullen.  Because really, that series could have been condensed to half a book if "I love you Bella", "Bella, Bella, Bella" wasn't repeated so often.
Question 6: What is the best and worst purchases you’ve ever made?
Best purchase-- My Buffet Festival Bb Clarinet.
Worst Purchase -- Right now I'm thinking my house because it's falling apart, but probably more realistically HP laptops.
Question 7: If you had to change your name, what would your new name be, and why would you choose that name?
I can't tell you that, in case I go into protective custody and need to use that name. (Or... if we become parents to a little girl and I am able to use that name...)
Question 8: What are some things that sound like compliments but are actually insults?
There are so many, not worth typing them out.   People can be mean.
Question 9: What’s a body part that you wouldn’t mind losing?
I quite like all of my body functioning.
Question 10: What’s your biggest screw up in the kitchen?
I dropped a pot holder into my stove once and it started on fire.  I left a pan of sweet potatoes in the oven and went to a concert with them still in the oven.  I spilled juice under the fridge.  I got the wrong burner hot and melted a tupper ware lid.  I could go on...
Question 11: What’s the worst commercial you’ve recently seen? Why is it so bad?
Macy's commercials always annoy me.  I only get commercials on youtube, though, and they are usually fast.  I do remember a European car commercial where the sunroof took off a cat head, which to this day grosses me out.
Question 12: What’s the closest thing to real magic?
Fireflies.
Question 13: What is the craziest thing one of your teachers has done?
I had a teacher who wore her glasses upside down and jeans under her skirt.  She admitted to not combing her hair for months on end and almost killed Jim and I while crossing 5 lanes of traffic during rush hour.
Question 14: Who is the messiest person you know?
My 2 year old son, without a doubt.
Question 15: What problem or situation did TV / movies make you think would be common, but when you grew up you found out it wasn’t?
Quicksand.  I was convinced that stuff was everywhere. Why do people like beaches?! It's a death trap!!
Question 16: What quote or saying do people spout but is complete BS?
There are so many!  "Slow and steady wins the race" has always bothered me...I get the illustration but it isn't true.  Well trained and properly executed wins the race.  The slow one is still slow...

Question 17: What’s something your brain tries to make you do and you have to will yourself not to do it?
Eat the chocolate. 
Question 18: What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?
I'm an idiot.  The ways are numerous. 
Question 19: If you could know the absolute and total truth to one question, what question would you ask?
This is a really big question and I don't know if I could have a question picked out.  It would be to God about God, but I'm not sure which I would ask of the many questions I have for Him.
Question 20: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week?
Nothing I've read has been interesting.  It's all been sad.  The most "interesting" sad was that in India a mob lit some elephants on fire.  It's not interesting, it's just shocking to read.
Question 21: What ridiculous thing has someone tricked you into doing or believing?
I was a gullible and imaginative child.  Mermaids in the creek behind my house, gnomes in the woods ...you name it. 
Question 22: If you were given a one-minute ad slot during the Super Bowl that you couldn’t sell, what would you fill it with?
Either a recipe you can make in under a minute with typical super bowl party foods (I don't know what that would be, but I would love to see people try to make it in under a minute... interactive TV!) or blank screen so the diehards freak out.
Question 23: What’s the most useless talent you have?
I can do mindless, repetitive tasks really, really fast.  I can pull a dollar bill out from between stacked cups. 
Question 24: What would be on the gag reel of your life?
I think I mentioned I'm an idiot, so there are plenty of face-palm moments for the audience to enjoy.  But the times I've burst out laughing have mostly been with my husband or my kid and the awesomely fun things they do.
Question 25: Where is the worst smelling place you’ve been?
Science class when we were dissecting worms.