My Defense

 During the home study process, prospective adoptive parents are required to do a certain amount of education hours to prepare themselves for the unique challenges of adoptive parenting.  Sometimes classes are required, or videos, or conferences.  We were required to do so many hours of education through videos and books. 

As you might imagine, books that focus on the challenges of parenting can be draining and challenging to read when all you want is to become a parent.  Reading book after book that focused on only the negative and the unique to adoption problems was really difficult.  At times I was concerned we were going to ruin in our child's life simply by bringing them home.
So I turned to the internet to bring myself some comfort.  Surely there was someone out there saying that adoption was a good thing in their life, or at least something that wasn't that big of a deal.

Of course, you can guess what happened.  People who have strong opinions of opposition tend to turn to the internet to give their opinion a voice.  It's good that they have a place to bring out points that others may not have considered and I learned a lot in my time of online blogs of adults who had been adopted and of birth mothers.  Being as concerned as I was to give my future child the best life possible, I really took everything to heart.

Unfortunately, I often found myself crying at my computer, feeling worse than when I got online. 

Those who aren't involved in this world might not realize that there is such a strong anti-adoption movement.  Our rosey colored view of a baby needing a home and a couple willing to give it seems wonderful, but there are negative aspects that we may not think about.  Being removed from your biological history is a loss and potentially a traumatic event.  The stigma of being a birth mother can sometimes be a heavy burden when people aren't understanding.  Raising a child who has no similar responses or characteristics to you can be a challenge (if they zig when you would zag sort of thing).

There were some opinions that I disagreed with online but I was glad to have read them because it made me stronger in my beliefs and gave me the opportunity to think deeply about our decision.  There are those who believe that biological family is always best, regardless of circumstance and temperament.  There are those who believe that simply giving more assistance to birth parents would eliminate adoptions.  There are those who believe that those who pursue infant adoption are just rich white people waiting for the perfect baby-- and that everyone considering adoption should just adopt from the foster system.   There are people who believe adults who were adopted who are happy to have been adopted have had the "adoption kool aid". 

The following is my defense for our decision to adopt Josiah from birth.  While I know a lot of people who read this blog are supportive, it was just something I had to write, to get out. 

We know from the experiences of those close to us (some dear friends and my mom) that "just" should never be applied to foster care because it is the definition of one of the hardest life challenges.  From PTSD and RAD in children (never heard of it?  Look up reactive attachment disorder.  The severe cases are horrifying and devastating) to fighting the "system" to keep a son or daughter in their home.  It is a beautiful thing that takes a strength that Jim and I prayed over a lot and determined we weren't ready to take on (yet).

We chose infant adoption but we are not rich (we are white, but there isn't much I can do about my race) and we were never waiting for the perfect baby.  We had to get a lot of help to afford the expenses of adoption.  And when we signed up with our agency, we had to go through a list of things that we would be willing accept in an adoption situation.  Races, medical history, mental health history and drug usage during pregnancy.  We had no option on smoking, as that was a requirement to allow.  We were accepting of every race, of a lot of medical history, and more drug usage than most people have to consider when having a child (I never thought I would have to consider how much cocaine usage I would be willing to accept during the pregnancy of my child, or alchohol or meth, or any other number of drugs).

And we respect birth mothers for their decision.  I don't believe that money would have changed Josiah's birth mothers mind.  She knew that her life, not just her living circumstances currently but the world she was living in, was not the best fit for him and she made a difficult decision.  I am not opposed to more charitable giving and help to birth mothers considering adoption that results in them keeping their child, because there is of course instances when that really is all that is needed.  And being charitable is essential to the human experience.  I don't think it's helpful to a woman to tell her that if only she had a little more help when she was pregnant she may have raised her child herself, because I feel as though they make the decision on a lot of levels that can't be

"fixed" by others or charity.

And the kool aid thing just infuriates me.  How dare someone tell another person that their happiness is because they are brainwashed.  Just...a lot of anger about that one for me. 

So with that in mind we chose infant adoption and would willingly do so again in a heart beat.  Like most parents, I wanted the best life for my child from the very beginning.  We hoped to do so without the trauma of foster care life-- we wanted to give him his life from the start if we can.  And we were given the opportunity to be mom and dad from the very minute he entered the world. 

From his birth, Josiah will know he was adopted (one of his bedtime stories is his birth story, including pictures of a lot of his birth family). He will have the opportunity to meet his birth family (as much as we can maintain contact).  He is our son, no questions, for the rest of his life.  I can't imagine loving him anymore than I do.  He will grow up in our Christian home, hopefully learning a lot and becoming the man he is meant to be. 

There will always be people who are against our decisions.  When Jim and I got married at 19 and 21, or engaged a year before, or moved to where we live now, we had people against us.  It's hard to be okay with that when our decisions are so personal and so important to us, but we are okay with people being against on this one, because I am currently holding the main reason I believe 100% that this was the best decision for us and for this beautiful, amazing, curly haired little boy in my arms.

Another Friend In The Spotlight

There are seasons and activities that bring people into your life that make a lasting impact.  I have mentioned many times before how running brought my best friend into my life, but I haven't really mentioned the other people who have become important key players all because we agreed, often hesitantly, to run with each other.
While training a couple of years ago I asked on the local running facebook page if anyone wanted to be my long run partner.  A woman named Tanya came to the music store to offer to run with me, warning me that she was "slow" and starting off her offer with "This might be crazy of me, but...".  At that point, I knew her as the wife of a talented guitarist who would escape to the music store for "sanity" every now and again and give me free concerts.  So I liked her already-- I mean, I love free concerts.
As it goes, we got to know each other well during our time hitting the pavement.  Unlike Danielle, we weren't in the exact same life stage (waiting for kids), but we found plenty of common ground to carry on hours of conversation to distract our brains from what our legs were doing.  We discussed her high school aged kids, my desire to be a mom, her "business" for lack of a better word where she catches, neuters and releases or finds homes for stray cats, and my love of my three dogs.
During these conversation I determined Tanya to be a dedicated mother, involved in her kids lives.  I found her to be insightful, funny, and though I'm not sure how she truly feels, she is one of the few women who I feel is completely comfortable in being herself.  She is unapologetic about her strengths and can laugh at her weaknesses. She isn't interested in being a socialite, which makes a connection with her real.  She is great at math (something we do NOT have in common), faster than she thinks and the kind of woman I look up to.
She is also so kindhearted and has such a love for animals that it puts my claims of the same affection to shame.  During one run, I noticed every few feet Tanya would drop, grab something from the ground and toss it into the grass.  It was the day after a rainstorm and she was putting the worms back in the grass so they wouldn't bake in the sun on the concrete.

When Josiah came home I entered a new season of life, getting into a new, baby centric routine.  Many people offered congratulations and a few offered help.  Tanya offered specific suggestions, like grocery shopping or walking the dogs for me, but I ended up asking her if she would just come over and visit.  She held the baby while we caught up on all of the events that led up to our return home.   She later watched him for me for a haircut appointment and through a movie, without asking for anything in return... she simply just held and talked to my "little peanut" as she has called him.

Maybe others haven't experienced this, but I can tell the difference between those who are simply "baby people" who think my baby is cute, those who are caring and "kid oriented" who really have an interest in my son, and those who are going to care about my son for the rest of his life.  I could feel immediately that Tanya really cares about me and cares about Josiah.  And to have someone of that strong of character and kindness and goodness of heart care about you is pretty awesome.

To The Mother Of My Son

Mother's Day is coming up.  I will be holding Josiah, and for the first time in my life-- because of him... because of you-- all of the accolades and acknowledgements that are given to mothers on this day will be applied to me.  As I look into the eyes of my son on this very special day, I will be noticing how similar he looks to you and thinking of you and what you've done for me.

You know that by deciding we would be the parents of our son, that you gave us our deepest hearts desire.  You know that we wanted to be parents and you gave us that opportunity.  You know that we wanted to love a child with all we had and you chose us to do that for Josiah.  You gave us a beautiful son.  If that was all you gave us, it would've already been more than we deserved.  But you gave us so much more.

By choosing us you restored the part of my faith that was faltering.  For years we prayed for children and God's answer was a solid "no".  I had started wondering if there was something I was unaware of in me that would make me a bad mother.  Then, when months went by where we were shown to more and more birth mothers who chose someone else, I wondered if whatever was wrong with me was really obvious to everyone else.  Questioning Gods apparent silence, questioning myself and what was wrong with me to cause His silence and questioning our future.  This all went away when you told me to hold my son moments after his birth.

You gave us a birth story.  Many adoptive parents aren't given the opportunity to have a birth story for their children.  They have the story of when they met, which is beautiful in itself, but I don't take lightly your willingness to have us be a part of his story from the very second he came into the world.  The memories I will have, the pictures your sister provided, being able to see and speak to the doctors and nurses who helped bring him into the world.  This is a blessing you didn't have to provide but we are so grateful for.

You gave me a lifetime relationship with you.  We have a shared son, it's a unique relationship that is hard to explain to the rest of the world.  While we live very different lives and we may drift in and out of a relationship, I count it a privilege to know you and have you as a part of our family.  I am humbled by your selflessness and kindness to us and knowing that you trusted me enough to put our son into my care makes me want to work that much harder at being the best mother I can be.

I don't know how you will feel on Mother's Day.  You have been pretty guarded with your feelings thus far.  I can't imagine the emotions you might have to go through but my hope is that you will be at peace and have joy.  I hope that knowing Josiah is healthy, happy, chubby and full of smiles will bring you happiness.  Because you deserve it so much. 

Wishing you a Happy Mother's Day.

Love,
Josiah's Mommy

A Love Letter To My Small Group

On Sunday evenings, Jim and I meet with our church "small group".  We have attended small groups for years at our church as a way to connect with other members of our church, get to know them on a deeper level and to learn more about the God we serve. 
Last fall, when small groups started again for the year, we were placed in a new small group (as is the norm, they try to rotate everyone) comprised mostly of young people in our church.  I am on the brink of no longer being considered a young person, so at first I was wondering where we would fit in this group. 
We were also going through our adoption journey.  Our small group prayed weekly that we would be chosen and the group even allowed us to video everyone for our "adoption profile video".   They were there from when we became active with our agency and beyond.
Statistically, 90 some percent of couples who try to conceive do so in the first two years.  We had passed that long ago.  Statistically, couples who used our agency were placed within the first year and we were passed that.  During the time that we were in the negative on all statistics and wondering if we would ever be parents, our small group stood by us, praying consistently every week, offering us support, building relationships with us even when I probably wasn't much fun to be around.

So this is just a short letter to the members of the small group we have been a member of for the past season.

Dear all,

You may not realize how much of an impact you made during a difficult time in our life.  Your prayers meant so much and your relationships during this time meant even more.  When we were able to announce our placement to become Josiah's parents, we couldn't wait to tell you.  And your joy when we told you was precious to us. 
You may not know how important your presence was as we went through the hardest parts of our adoption journey and how awesome it was to have you there for the good parts.  We have gained lasting relationships with some of the most exceptional people in this small group. 
We appreciate each of you.  Your encouragement, your unique perspectives, your presence.  And of course, we appreciate all the food you shared Sunday night, too ;).

Love,

The three of us Parrish people

Random Thoughts On Motherhood

Noticed today that this blog has received 10,000 pageviews.  So thank you, people who were bored enough to read my online ramblings :), it's kind of humbling to see such a large number, though I'm sure some of those were my husband and I reading, though I can guaruntee I haven't read my blog 10,000 times.

I have been debating whether I should write much about motherhood on this blog.  I spent so many years of my life avoiding mommy blogs because they brought pain and jealousy and I didn't want to experience that.  I ended up leaving some really great blogs because of it.  However, many of these 10,000 views are from people concerned and interested in our adoption story, which is still ongoing and involved motherhood from this point on.  I promise not to talk solely about motherhood, but it's going to be on here.

Since grandma is currently sleeping with Josiah on her chest, I have some free time.  I should be, you know, cleaning the house and such, but what fun is that when I can instead share some somewhat sleep deprived thoughts I've had since becoming a mother.

1. Have I always burped this often, or is it the fact that 7-14 times a day I'm focused on getting a little person to burp that I am suddenly gaining this habit?  And when does it go from a praised result of vigorous patting and rubbing to something we tell our children to do quietly and say excuse me for?

2. No one is active outside at 4 AM, but at 5 the whole town is out walking or running.  Running at 4 AM is neither fun nor entertaining, but it guarantees the run gets done.  I officially feel very accomplished in the mornings when, by 8 AM, I have fed my baby twice, ran, worked out, both of us are bathed, we've read three books and are now playing on the mat.  I usually have a load or two of laundry done and some dishes going by then, too. 

3. Despite my successful mornings, my afternoons are much less active and by 4 PM Josiah and I look at each other and wonder if the rest of our lives will be on this same loop of eating, playing sleeping.  Josiah lights up when he sees his dad walk in at the end of the day.  Sick of Mom, perhaps?

4. Bodily fluids are not nearly as gross as I once thought they were.

5.  Motherhood isn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, but it's a whole lot more constant than I realized.  I mean, logically I knew that having a baby would mean I would have a baby around all the time, but for some reason I didn't really grasp that concept until he was here... all the time.  And while the motions of mothering aren't difficult at all (something I was scared about going in), filling the bottle for the 5th time that day, only to have done it a few hours before, is more tiring after a couple of months than I realized.  Of course, I have been blessed with a easy to care for baby who just wants a lot of extra attention, so I don't know the difficulties of other mothers.  But for me, it's the constant that's the hardest.

6. I miss work.  For years I thought I would want to stay home with my kids and not have a job.  But then I found a job I really liked and I miss it.  Every week I go in for a couple of hours and I miss it when I leave. 

7. But I don't want to leave Josiah with someone else.  My emotions can't be straightforward on my work because I also don't want others to get the joys of my boys smiles and milestones and I want to be the one who teaches him things.

8.  Speaking of smiles and milestones... smiles are the. freaking. best. thing. ever.

9. Curly hair is commented on 8.2 million times a day.

10. I can't handle middle of the night crying.  Maybe I'm not a patient enough mother, but Jim has to handle the unscheduled wake up calls most of the time.  The sudden wake up has me in a fog that worries me when handling Josiah and a crabby attitude that no one needs to witness.

11. Motherhood is kind of lonely.  I get out of the house often enough and make time to see people, which certainly helps a lot, but I feel more confined to my house than before.  But when visiting family or friends, feeding the baby, putting him to sleep, changing him, often means solitude.  And with schedules as they are, my time with my husband is mostly spent passing the baby back and forth through dinner.  Meaning my contact with another human is often during a time that I stuff my face.

12. I don't care what people say, I have to keep my house clean.  I'll reevaluate when Josiah reaches tornado status, but for now, my house remains clean because otherwise I can't enjoy the day.  Sorry, "if it's messy it's lived in" people-- I just can't roll that way.

13. The tired look isn't good on me.  My mantra has become "this too shall pass" with every night feeding.

14. Jim, if allowed, can sleep through anything.  Except me hitting his side to wake him up.

15. There have been nights, when I held my crying baby and cried right back and thought to myself "why did I think I could do this?"  And then, moments later, he is cuddled into my chest or gives me a big smile and I am reminded that I'm not doing it alone and he is surviving, which means I've done it so far... so I can keep going. 

16. Have I mentioned smiles?  Because seriously, guys.  Genuine smiles from a happy baby are probably the best thing in the whole wide world.  And sometimes they are even directed at me!

"We Aren't Selfie Gals"

There are certain events, certain people, certain times in our lives that carry a deep and lasting impact.  Some of these are negative, but I have been fortunate to have many more positive experiences.  As I live the day in and day out of having Josiah, I am reminded daily of some incredible people who have touched my life forever.
Today, I am full of gratitude and completely refreshed after spending a short amount of time with my best friend.  We ran a race together, ate some lavender cake, painted, shopped health food and got some talking in.  The title of this blog post is a quote from her, related to my failed selfie of us after our painting experience.

As we discussed during our time together, making close and lasting friendships is difficult and we aren't entirely sure how ours started, but it has stood the test of time, of multiple moves, heartache and life changes.

What I can say is our friendship was solidified in sweat and miles.  When you run long distance with someone, the first few miles can easily be used to chit chat but the small talk runs out a few minutes in.  As my body broke down and became more vulnerable with each passing mile, whatever walls I had built up seemed to weaken as well.  It becomes easy to share more and more intimate details with the person struggling beside me, encouraging me to continue simply by continuing herself.
I have had a few running partners in my day and I have experienced a certain level of trust with each of them.  What is said on a run, stays on that run, shaken off like the dust on our neon colored sneakers.  Things I thought I would never share with anyone, running partners know.  Things I didn't even know I was thinking were blurted out at mile 11 with so many more to go.

My best friend and I ran long distance training runs for a marathon a few years ago, so our miles were loooong.  She was struggling with an issue that I knew well in infertility and she opened up to me about that and other areas of her life on those long stretches of country road.  

I can't pretend to know exactly how she felt about our running days, or about how our friendship is years later after her multiple moves, two (two!) kids, job changes and other friendships developed in her life, but I can tell you my side.

She is my best friend.  We try our best to be there for each other and we understand when the other can't.  She knows more about me than possibly anyone other than my husband. We have emailed almost once a week every week since she moved away.

She makes me a better person.  She encourages me, cheers me on, challenges me.  She is talented, strong, determined, hardworking, kind.  She is a great mother, writer, wife and of course, friend.  She is also becoming quite the famous writer, and you can check our some of her stuff here.  She writes about her life experiences, from raising her two children adopted from foster care to living her life intentionally.

D, I don't know how our friendship started but I'm so glad it did and I hope it lasts forever.