I have absolutely nothing to say.
I sometimes feel like I should be posting on here more frequently. I know there are a few people who are interested in knowing updates on the little boy we brought home.
And yet I don't know what to share and what not to.
When we were in the depths of desiring a family, I stopped reading many blogs I had once loved because, like my entire facebook contact list, they all seemed to get pregnant around the same time. I was disappointed that blogs about vegan food or running or music were suddenly just about babies. I don't know how much I should talk about Josiah here. He is definitely the center of my world, but he isn't the center of the world for everyone else, and I should respect that. I also want to respect that he has no control over his online life yet and I don't want there to be the kind of mom who gives him an online presence too... present. And while I have a few more thoughts on adoption and parenting that I will probably share, I don't know how much I should focus on it here.
But without talking about my son, there isn't a lot left in this season of life. While I have still maintained a lot of my individuality (something I worried about when becoming a mother, that I would suddenly turn into "Josiah's mom" and no longer be Kristin, a human with things going on), most of my time is, out of necessity, spent with him. All of my waking hours and all of my want-to-be-sleeping hours are with him, with the exception of running and working out in the morning, which hardly counts because it's while he is sleeping. And on those mornings when I can't convince myself that running at 4 AM is a good idea, he is in his vibrating chair, napping next the treadmill when I run later in the day. Otherwise, he joins me or my other hobbies and interests. Currently, my interests are still nutrition and fitness, but I'm really interested in eco friendly and people friendly clothing and am slowly replacing old clothes with bamboo and other alternatives and also researching how to cut down my grocery bill (something I've gotten really bad about. Not knowing how much formula he would go through, I go to the grocery store often and tend to buy more than just his formula.). He gets to hear articles about these things when I read them out loud, he joins me at the grocery store and he listens to me practice my instruments, etc.
While I'm still debating what my role is in his online presence, I thought I would give a small update without interfering too much in his future.
So with that, Josiah is doing well. He is growing, his hair is his most commented on feature, followed closely by his dimpled chin. He does what babies do and has been healthy so far. He has started to genuinely smile at me without any provocation, which makes my heart soar. He is stinking cute and a pretty good baby as far as I can tell. He loves stroller walks, cuddling and a gray hippo toy. He looks awesome in a bow tie. He loves to sit in my lap and watch my fingers as I play piano, particularly if I sing along.
So as you can see, this post was pretty much about nothing. But, it is also about everything going on in my life and my little everything that defines my new life.
More substance to come in the near future, I promise.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Protective Silhouette
**The following is just a little ode to my sweet German Shepherd.**
Sitting at the door of the nursery, outlined by the glow of
the dim light of a night light, is the silhouette of my dog.
He faces the hall, ears up, his head turned to the side so
his long nose is visible. He sits up
tall, regal, alert.
This is the German Shepherd that earlier in the day jumped
on my bed, tongue lolling out and yipping like a tiny puppy as he pranced
around me to play. This is the German
Shepherd that howls when I play the piano, pounces on "shiney's"
(reflections from phone screens, shadows, anything can move light on the
wall). This is the German Shepherd that can't help
but lick his human brother's face every time he gets a chance.
But in this moment, he is guard and protector. There is something different in his
demeanor. He isn't the playful puppy,
the curious dog. He sits at his post at
the door, guarding the new precious family member and his mother, just a silhouette
at the nursery door.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Gratitude, Joy and Love
Today, my heart is full.
I was given the opportunity to judge a middle school contest for our local district. I always enjoy seeing the kids perform and being involved in our community in this way, supporting our little musicians.
Speaking of little musicians, my middle school students who participated today totally knocked it out of the park! Truly impressed with the dedication, hard work and talent of "my" kids.
The other blessing to having a half day job is, for the first time since his birth, I had the opportunity to miss my little boy. I have been to the grocery store without him and my morning run is solo, but an hour or so is just a nice break from the daily grind. This morning was a substantial amount of time to be away, and I couldn't wait to hold my little man when I got home!
Speaking of my little man, I have just been overflowing with gratitude. We have received so much support and love from people who are all so excited to celebrate our future with us and I'm so humbled and excited to raise our son among these amazing people.
I am grateful for Jim, for Si, my dogs, my life, for you.
I am joyful in the moments I've been experiencing.
I am loving my little three person, three dog family an awful lot.
Some days, my heart is just full. God is good.
I was given the opportunity to judge a middle school contest for our local district. I always enjoy seeing the kids perform and being involved in our community in this way, supporting our little musicians.
Speaking of little musicians, my middle school students who participated today totally knocked it out of the park! Truly impressed with the dedication, hard work and talent of "my" kids.
The other blessing to having a half day job is, for the first time since his birth, I had the opportunity to miss my little boy. I have been to the grocery store without him and my morning run is solo, but an hour or so is just a nice break from the daily grind. This morning was a substantial amount of time to be away, and I couldn't wait to hold my little man when I got home!
Speaking of my little man, I have just been overflowing with gratitude. We have received so much support and love from people who are all so excited to celebrate our future with us and I'm so humbled and excited to raise our son among these amazing people.
I am grateful for Jim, for Si, my dogs, my life, for you.
I am joyful in the moments I've been experiencing.
I am loving my little three person, three dog family an awful lot.
Some days, my heart is just full. God is good.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
What Awesome Moms Have Taught Me
Early yesterday morning S, Josiah's birth mother, called to check in. It was so nice to hear from her. I have been sending her text messages every few days with pictures of our shared son with cute little updates about his weight or cute little antics. She doesn't often respond, her life being busy and different than my own. I hope so much that we can keep in contact with her, for our sons sake and because I genuinely care about S very deeply. I may not know her well, and when we see her life I am sometimes shocked by the world she lives in and her decisions as she navigates it, but she is a part of our family in a deep way and in a way that is unlike any other person.
Speaking with her the other morning, I was reminded of an aspect of my personal "motherhood story" that is incredibly important. Not only is Josiah counting on me and my whole community cheering me on, but S, by choosing us, has asked me to be the best mom I possibly can be and I don't want to let her down.
I will never be a perfect mother and I have never met a perfect mother. I have, however, had the privilege of being in contact with many great moms through the years. And while I am not a fan at all of receiving unsolicited advice (seriously one of my biggest pet peeves), I do believe in learning from other people. You know the words of wisdom-- if you want to be good at something, find someone who is already good at it and do what they do.
Well, moms, I've been watching you. From the time I was in high school to now, I have been evaluating and taking notes on how you take care of your kids. I have noted the things that work really well, the things that don't, the things I just can't see myself doing. But each of you reading this, if you have a kid, has impacted my own parenting. Of course, some of you will be stronger influences than others (ahem, Mom...).
I have actually kept a list of things I have learned from other moms and I thought I would share a few of the bigger ones on the blog and say THANK YOU to all of the moms in my life who have influenced me and have essentially impacted my sons life through that.
1. Be calm. I was born to older parents, as was Jim. We may not be the most exciting couple in the world, but we are pretty calm under crisis. I think it's partially from being raised in the calmer environment of older parents who weren't always on the go. But who knows what it really is. All I know for sure, is I am always in awe of calm mothers. I am in awe of calm mothers of children who follow suite and play quietly while Mom does something else. I am in awe of calm mothers who let their child have a crazy, throw-things-around-the-house kind of play without having a panic attack about it. I've never seen a calm mom fly off the handle and yell something she'll regret. Calm moms just seem happier. The less stress, the better.
2. This too shall pass. I think every mom I respect has made a comment at some point or another about a hard age to raise children. It could be the terrible twos, the nights when they aren't sleeping, etc., but they all say "I remember the days when...". Every stage passes and has it's highs and lows. Infants are wonderful to cuddle and love but someday I don't have to worry about never sleeping again on account of feedings, because eventually, he will be able to sleep through the night without a bottle. It'll pass, and I can hold out until it does.
3. Other mom's have experienced this. When I find Josiah melting down in a grocery store (note I say when, not if, though we will be working hard on being respectful in public, I know the chances are high) I will remind myself that other women have been in that same position, likely other women who are within earshot. Instead of letting embarrassment drive my emotions to become less than calm (see number one), I hope that I can take comfort in knowing that my child isn't the only one that has thrown a tantrum, or whatever "fun" thing he does in the future.
4. Take time for my spouse. I think the absolute best parenting I've seen in my life has been team work between a mom and a dad. Though Josiah is my son for life, he will eventually not be living under the same roof as us. I want to enjoy those years as much as we have enjoyed our marriage so far. Jim is still a top priority.
5. Remain myself. I am not a parenting saint like my own mother. While I know she enjoys reading and gardening, she dropped everything for me my whole childhood. I don't know how she kept her sanity being as selfless as she was for so many years, but I know that if a few of my needs aren't met I am no good to anyone. I have had to adjust aspects of my life to fit this new role and have to be more lenient because Josiah is always more important, but, I still get a run in 6 days a week, I still get a walk in (usually with him) most days and I still practice my instruments. I plan on returning to work a couple of days a week because I feel connected to the community through my job and I love what I do. I am so grateful to my mom that when I look back at my childhood I remember her as mom above all else. I would have loved to know more about her, though, too, and I would like my son to recognize that I might be "mom" but that I'm also a person.
6. Stay healthy. It might be tempting to drown my exhaustion in chocolate (which I may or may not have done a few times) but at the end of the day, I function better and am able to sleep and be awake better when I'm eating healthy and getting outdoor time. One mom I know has been careful to eat healthy through many kids and it has rubbed off on them... I have never seen kids who love vegetables like hers and hate sweets!
7. I'm not his friend, but we can get along. I'm mom. He's not going to like it when I discipline him. But I'm doing it to make him a better man. That doesn't mean, however, that I have to be disciplinarian all the time and never have fun with him. I have seen the "friend" parent, I have seen the "strict" parent, and I have seen the wonderful in between that I hope we can find in our relationship.
8. Apologize when I mess up. Because I won't remain calm at all times, I will be selfish or embarrassed or angry. Watching one dear friend apologize to her teenage daughter after a minor negative conversation showed me how important it is to let your child know that you know you make mistakes, too.
9. Teach him everything I can. Even though it might be annoying, everything is a learning opportunity and I can't rely on anyone else to teach him everything I hope he will know.
10. Don't get caught up in what the world requires. Josiah was born 5 weeks early. At two months, babies are supposed to be doing certain things. I think Josiah is in the norm for everything, but let's be honest here. Some people are tall, some are short. Some are thin, some are large. Some are intelligent, some aren't. It's not the end of the world if my baby isn't waving "bye bye" at the appropriate age. While I will work to these goals, I'm not going to stress if we don't reach them on time.
11. Pray for him constantly. Because it doesn't matter how hard I work at being a great mom, this world is fallen and he will experience pain. He already has a different beginning than many his age. I can't control his environment or his personality or things of that nature. But God does amazing things and I can ask Him every day on behalf of my son.
Speaking with her the other morning, I was reminded of an aspect of my personal "motherhood story" that is incredibly important. Not only is Josiah counting on me and my whole community cheering me on, but S, by choosing us, has asked me to be the best mom I possibly can be and I don't want to let her down.
I will never be a perfect mother and I have never met a perfect mother. I have, however, had the privilege of being in contact with many great moms through the years. And while I am not a fan at all of receiving unsolicited advice (seriously one of my biggest pet peeves), I do believe in learning from other people. You know the words of wisdom-- if you want to be good at something, find someone who is already good at it and do what they do.
Well, moms, I've been watching you. From the time I was in high school to now, I have been evaluating and taking notes on how you take care of your kids. I have noted the things that work really well, the things that don't, the things I just can't see myself doing. But each of you reading this, if you have a kid, has impacted my own parenting. Of course, some of you will be stronger influences than others (ahem, Mom...).
I have actually kept a list of things I have learned from other moms and I thought I would share a few of the bigger ones on the blog and say THANK YOU to all of the moms in my life who have influenced me and have essentially impacted my sons life through that.
1. Be calm. I was born to older parents, as was Jim. We may not be the most exciting couple in the world, but we are pretty calm under crisis. I think it's partially from being raised in the calmer environment of older parents who weren't always on the go. But who knows what it really is. All I know for sure, is I am always in awe of calm mothers. I am in awe of calm mothers of children who follow suite and play quietly while Mom does something else. I am in awe of calm mothers who let their child have a crazy, throw-things-around-the-house kind of play without having a panic attack about it. I've never seen a calm mom fly off the handle and yell something she'll regret. Calm moms just seem happier. The less stress, the better.
2. This too shall pass. I think every mom I respect has made a comment at some point or another about a hard age to raise children. It could be the terrible twos, the nights when they aren't sleeping, etc., but they all say "I remember the days when...". Every stage passes and has it's highs and lows. Infants are wonderful to cuddle and love but someday I don't have to worry about never sleeping again on account of feedings, because eventually, he will be able to sleep through the night without a bottle. It'll pass, and I can hold out until it does.
3. Other mom's have experienced this. When I find Josiah melting down in a grocery store (note I say when, not if, though we will be working hard on being respectful in public, I know the chances are high) I will remind myself that other women have been in that same position, likely other women who are within earshot. Instead of letting embarrassment drive my emotions to become less than calm (see number one), I hope that I can take comfort in knowing that my child isn't the only one that has thrown a tantrum, or whatever "fun" thing he does in the future.
4. Take time for my spouse. I think the absolute best parenting I've seen in my life has been team work between a mom and a dad. Though Josiah is my son for life, he will eventually not be living under the same roof as us. I want to enjoy those years as much as we have enjoyed our marriage so far. Jim is still a top priority.
5. Remain myself. I am not a parenting saint like my own mother. While I know she enjoys reading and gardening, she dropped everything for me my whole childhood. I don't know how she kept her sanity being as selfless as she was for so many years, but I know that if a few of my needs aren't met I am no good to anyone. I have had to adjust aspects of my life to fit this new role and have to be more lenient because Josiah is always more important, but, I still get a run in 6 days a week, I still get a walk in (usually with him) most days and I still practice my instruments. I plan on returning to work a couple of days a week because I feel connected to the community through my job and I love what I do. I am so grateful to my mom that when I look back at my childhood I remember her as mom above all else. I would have loved to know more about her, though, too, and I would like my son to recognize that I might be "mom" but that I'm also a person.
6. Stay healthy. It might be tempting to drown my exhaustion in chocolate (which I may or may not have done a few times) but at the end of the day, I function better and am able to sleep and be awake better when I'm eating healthy and getting outdoor time. One mom I know has been careful to eat healthy through many kids and it has rubbed off on them... I have never seen kids who love vegetables like hers and hate sweets!
7. I'm not his friend, but we can get along. I'm mom. He's not going to like it when I discipline him. But I'm doing it to make him a better man. That doesn't mean, however, that I have to be disciplinarian all the time and never have fun with him. I have seen the "friend" parent, I have seen the "strict" parent, and I have seen the wonderful in between that I hope we can find in our relationship.
8. Apologize when I mess up. Because I won't remain calm at all times, I will be selfish or embarrassed or angry. Watching one dear friend apologize to her teenage daughter after a minor negative conversation showed me how important it is to let your child know that you know you make mistakes, too.
9. Teach him everything I can. Even though it might be annoying, everything is a learning opportunity and I can't rely on anyone else to teach him everything I hope he will know.
10. Don't get caught up in what the world requires. Josiah was born 5 weeks early. At two months, babies are supposed to be doing certain things. I think Josiah is in the norm for everything, but let's be honest here. Some people are tall, some are short. Some are thin, some are large. Some are intelligent, some aren't. It's not the end of the world if my baby isn't waving "bye bye" at the appropriate age. While I will work to these goals, I'm not going to stress if we don't reach them on time.
11. Pray for him constantly. Because it doesn't matter how hard I work at being a great mom, this world is fallen and he will experience pain. He already has a different beginning than many his age. I can't control his environment or his personality or things of that nature. But God does amazing things and I can ask Him every day on behalf of my son.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Maybe I'm Thinking Too Much.
Our son is two months old and eleven pounds today. He is doing well so far, though his number of bad nights continues to increase and his fussiness is increasing a bit. But, I wasn't expecting the sleeping newborn for months. I don't mind a few nights of poor sleep, but when they hit back to back, you have days like today... where I'm doing my best not to blink while writing this so I don't fall asleep mid sentence. I know that sounds like a typical new mom, the being tired, so I apologize for not being interesting.
During the past two months, having not a lot to do but hold a sleeping baby, I have had a lot of things to think through, the following is just one of them.
I don't want to wish a second away with our little blessing, but I am so looking forward to the days when he is more awake and coherent. While cuddling my mostly sleeping baby has been all I've wanted and more, and while I know he is in a pretty easy phase of babyhood, I am waiting for the days when I detect recognition in his face regularly.
Becoming a mom the way I did, I wondered what bonding with my son would be like. I worried that I would feel like I was caring for a little stranger, or that I wouldn't come to motherhood naturally because I didn't have the right hormones running rampant in my veins. I worried that nurturing would be awkward for me, that I wouldn't fall in love with him as deeply as a parent should.
Those worries were vanquished when we were chosen and were completely cleared from view the moment he was born. I have never for a second questioned Josiah being my son. I love him more than I thought was possible.
But on the rare occasions that Josiah gets a contemplative look on his face-- a furrowed brow, his eyes focused intensely on mine-- I wonder if he is trying to find his birth mothers face. On the few times that he has stared into the distance while laying on my chest, I wonder if he is remembering her faster heart beat and comparing it to my slower "runner pulse".
I have no reason to believe that Josiah isn't comfortable and bonded to Jim and I at this point. If I pick him up he almost instantly nuzzles into me, he smiles at my singing voice. He is, overall, an easy going baby and we meet his needs countless times a day, including eye contact, reading, singing, love, cuddles, etc., etc.
Yet I wonder. During our adoption preparation we were required to read a lot of books that focused on the negative aspects of adoption. This is important, because the world has a rose colored view of the process that doesn't take into account some serious flaws and concerns. But as I read, I became increasingly devastated. I turned to the internet for some comfort and was of course met with more negative experiences, opinions and stories.
So selfishly I wait. I enjoy the cuddles I have now, the longer naps, the pretty easy baby care, but I long for the moment when I can see, without a doubt, that Josiah looks at me and sees me as "mom". The first time that my arms are the only ones that bring him comfort. I look forward to that moment, because there are some moments... not very often... when, while I know Josiah is my son without a shadow of a doubt... sometimes I don't feel like he thinks I'm his mother.
Silly, maybe. Temporary, most likely. But still in my mind every once in a while. Not right now, of course, as he has a hand on either side of me and he's sleeping with complete trust on my stomach. Man, this kid is cute and has stolen my heart.
During the past two months, having not a lot to do but hold a sleeping baby, I have had a lot of things to think through, the following is just one of them.
I don't want to wish a second away with our little blessing, but I am so looking forward to the days when he is more awake and coherent. While cuddling my mostly sleeping baby has been all I've wanted and more, and while I know he is in a pretty easy phase of babyhood, I am waiting for the days when I detect recognition in his face regularly.
Becoming a mom the way I did, I wondered what bonding with my son would be like. I worried that I would feel like I was caring for a little stranger, or that I wouldn't come to motherhood naturally because I didn't have the right hormones running rampant in my veins. I worried that nurturing would be awkward for me, that I wouldn't fall in love with him as deeply as a parent should.
Those worries were vanquished when we were chosen and were completely cleared from view the moment he was born. I have never for a second questioned Josiah being my son. I love him more than I thought was possible.
But on the rare occasions that Josiah gets a contemplative look on his face-- a furrowed brow, his eyes focused intensely on mine-- I wonder if he is trying to find his birth mothers face. On the few times that he has stared into the distance while laying on my chest, I wonder if he is remembering her faster heart beat and comparing it to my slower "runner pulse".
I have no reason to believe that Josiah isn't comfortable and bonded to Jim and I at this point. If I pick him up he almost instantly nuzzles into me, he smiles at my singing voice. He is, overall, an easy going baby and we meet his needs countless times a day, including eye contact, reading, singing, love, cuddles, etc., etc.
Yet I wonder. During our adoption preparation we were required to read a lot of books that focused on the negative aspects of adoption. This is important, because the world has a rose colored view of the process that doesn't take into account some serious flaws and concerns. But as I read, I became increasingly devastated. I turned to the internet for some comfort and was of course met with more negative experiences, opinions and stories.
So selfishly I wait. I enjoy the cuddles I have now, the longer naps, the pretty easy baby care, but I long for the moment when I can see, without a doubt, that Josiah looks at me and sees me as "mom". The first time that my arms are the only ones that bring him comfort. I look forward to that moment, because there are some moments... not very often... when, while I know Josiah is my son without a shadow of a doubt... sometimes I don't feel like he thinks I'm his mother.
Silly, maybe. Temporary, most likely. But still in my mind every once in a while. Not right now, of course, as he has a hand on either side of me and he's sleeping with complete trust on my stomach. Man, this kid is cute and has stolen my heart.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)