I loved doing the home study portion of our adoption because it gave me something to work for. I am a list maker, a checker-offer, a task oriented individual. So having a checklist and getting it done was my thing. I took it as a challenge to get it done as quickly as possible, because the faster it was done, the faster we could be active with our first agency.
The profile (my next post) was scary because of it's importance in the process, but it was fun because it was essentially just talking about our lives. And while this will make me sound completely self absorbed, I liked writing about us.
After the home study and before the profile, however, there comes a point when you have to consider your options.
During the home study, you are required to read and attend classes that tell you the horrors and concerns and worries of adoption. There are books that flat out tell you your child will be depressed, or hate you, or will always have issues because he or she is adopted. So as you are processing the potential of become parents, thinking about how you might ruin this child's life somehow, you are asked a bunch of really hard questions.
Some weren't so hard-- do you want a boy or a girl? We chose either, because if we were blessed with a pregnancy God wouldn't let us choose then so we thought we would let Him handle it. Would you take twins? Same answer for us.
Which races are you willing to adopt? Caucasian, Asian, African, Native American, Pacific Islander, Hispanic, a combination? We chose all of them.
Consider for a moment if you discovered you were expecting a child. You would probably know the race of the child before they were born. As silly as it sounds, it was kind of exciting to not know for us.
Keep considering, however as you contemplate these next questions. These questions were harder for us to answer because under other circumstances we would never have had to consider these.
How much tobacco use during pregnancy are you willing to accept?
Marijuana?
Alcohol?
Cocaine?
Meth?
Other drugs?
What about
Bi polar disorder?
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?
If I had become pregnant, we wouldn't have had to consider any of these things. After a lot of research, prayer and crying, we found that, for ourselves, there were a few things we just weren't ready to handle. When you so desperately want to become parents and know that every child needs love, it's hard to say a hard "no" to any circumstance, but we realized that we needed to know our own limitations and what we felt capable of handling. Every person is different, every circumstance is different. Every birth is different.
And last but certainly not least, the big question of openness. How much are you comfortable building a relationship with a stranger? It was an easy one for us... very comfortable, because she first felt comfortable giving us her child to raise. However, if I'm being completely honest and transparent, if Josiah's birth mother were to live closer, I'm not sure how I would handle regular visits and if I would have feelings of jealousy or stress. I would hope I wouldn't, but you never know.
So there are some things to think about before you dive in. The more open you are, the more birth mothers you are shown to, meaning a higher chance of being chosen. However, you have to know your limits-- and don't feel bad about them. Each child, each family have unique circumstances and needs that need to be met.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Home Study
A Home Study is a collection of documents required for a family to adopt a child. It is particularly important when the adoption crosses state or international lines. Without a home study, adoption doesn't happen.
So what is this pile of documents and how does it come about?
It's
a lot
of
paperwork.
Including, but not limited to;
-State background check
-Federal background check (which requires official fingerprinting done at your local sheriff's department)
-Child abuse registry
-Medical Release Forms (obtained by having a physical or meeting with a physician)
-Copies of Marriage license and picture ID's
-Recent tax and income forms.
-5-10 References on your character
-Proof of employment, plus a note from your employer about your future employment status.
-All of you contact information
-Contact information for close family members
-Ages and birth dates of close family members
-The Actual Home Study Document
The Home Study Document
The Home Study itself is the collection of documents above, plus a written paper by a licensed professional describing how you were raised, your life currently, and how you plan to parent. The most important aspect of this document is the final paragraph, when the home study provider essentially recommends you as acceptable adoptive parents.
To get this document, you have to meet with your home study provider (a licensed social worker). He or she is required to meet you a few times, and at least once in your home. In our case, we needed to meet three times, for two hours at a time, at least once in our home. During these visits, Nancy, our home study provider, collected information about our families and how we were raised, our marriage and what life looks like now, and how we planned on parenting once we were chosen. She did a tour of our home and didn't notice anything that would be dangerous for a child (for example, she said, you shouldn't have a hole in your floor). Often, these visits mean you should have your electrical outlets plugged, all of your dangerous cleaning supplies (bleach, etc.) locked away, as well as any weapons, etc. There also has to be adequate room for a child, so if you want two kids, each should have their own bedroom, that sort of thing.
When she collected all of our information, Nancy wrote a condensed version of our life and her recommendation for us to be adoptive parents. It took some time to get all of those initial meetings scheduled, all of the references contacted, and all of the other documents lined up, but for us it only took about four weeks to complete it all (and most of that was just having to wait between meetings with Nancy, because it wasn't like we could just sit together for six hours straight).
Having a home study completed isn't free. Depending on how an adoption is done, you will pay the agency or the provider directly. If they have to travel, you will have to pay travel and gas fees. You will also have to pay for background checks ($50 or so for federal and $25 or so for state) and of course paying for your doctor visit.
I mention cost because in domestic infant adoption or international adoption, the initial cost sounds scary, and doesn't even take into account all of the little extra fees that sneak up on you. Always plan ahead and have more funds available than you think you'll need.
So what is this pile of documents and how does it come about?
It's
a lot
of
paperwork.
Including, but not limited to;
-State background check
-Federal background check (which requires official fingerprinting done at your local sheriff's department)
-Child abuse registry
-Medical Release Forms (obtained by having a physical or meeting with a physician)
-Copies of Marriage license and picture ID's
-Recent tax and income forms.
-5-10 References on your character
-Proof of employment, plus a note from your employer about your future employment status.
-All of you contact information
-Contact information for close family members
-Ages and birth dates of close family members
-The Actual Home Study Document
The Home Study Document
The Home Study itself is the collection of documents above, plus a written paper by a licensed professional describing how you were raised, your life currently, and how you plan to parent. The most important aspect of this document is the final paragraph, when the home study provider essentially recommends you as acceptable adoptive parents.
To get this document, you have to meet with your home study provider (a licensed social worker). He or she is required to meet you a few times, and at least once in your home. In our case, we needed to meet three times, for two hours at a time, at least once in our home. During these visits, Nancy, our home study provider, collected information about our families and how we were raised, our marriage and what life looks like now, and how we planned on parenting once we were chosen. She did a tour of our home and didn't notice anything that would be dangerous for a child (for example, she said, you shouldn't have a hole in your floor). Often, these visits mean you should have your electrical outlets plugged, all of your dangerous cleaning supplies (bleach, etc.) locked away, as well as any weapons, etc. There also has to be adequate room for a child, so if you want two kids, each should have their own bedroom, that sort of thing.
When she collected all of our information, Nancy wrote a condensed version of our life and her recommendation for us to be adoptive parents. It took some time to get all of those initial meetings scheduled, all of the references contacted, and all of the other documents lined up, but for us it only took about four weeks to complete it all (and most of that was just having to wait between meetings with Nancy, because it wasn't like we could just sit together for six hours straight).
Having a home study completed isn't free. Depending on how an adoption is done, you will pay the agency or the provider directly. If they have to travel, you will have to pay travel and gas fees. You will also have to pay for background checks ($50 or so for federal and $25 or so for state) and of course paying for your doctor visit.
I mention cost because in domestic infant adoption or international adoption, the initial cost sounds scary, and doesn't even take into account all of the little extra fees that sneak up on you. Always plan ahead and have more funds available than you think you'll need.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Take 2
I have mentioned a few times that Jim and I have been actively, privately, seeking a second adoption since our son was officially finalized late last year. While in the grand scheme of things we haven't been waiting that long, after many minor panic attacks about the things that could go wrong with private adoption (and the fact that we don't have a lot of contacts that could lead to a potential match), this past week we decided to join a second national adoption agency. We are super excited, super nervous and ready to go on this roller coaster ride one more time!
Coming into this a second time, we have the same fears and concerns we had the first time. We also have the same excitement and expectation. Since we chronicled the first adoption, I will continue to document this adoption journey with more details this time on the process itself (partially as a distraction for myself as we start the waiting period again).
Our new agency is less expensive than our first, but more labor intensive. We will design our own profile and create our own video profile, as well as printing them, etc. This cuts down their cost. Unfortunately, agency adoptions aren't cheap, even when some of the fees are cut. God provided during our first adoption through generous donations from friends and family, fundraising, penny saving and repayment of some of the fees, we were able to leave our first adoption without significant debt. We are starting over again, but we trust God to provide again.
We chose this agency instead of returning to our first not because the first wasn't good-- we had a good experience with them for sure. We chose this one because they have a Christian background, are less expensive and you have more freedom and control in your adoption journey by being more involved in the profile process.
Now that we have experienced the joy of being parents, the second adoption is a little scarier than the first. Now that we know how incredibly in love you can become with a newborn in an instant, realizing that could be taken away by a change of heart (please note; it is a birth mothers right to change her mind and we would never fault a woman for choosing to parent her child) is horrifying and heartbreaking.
We also will experience new challenges (though, I admit, I'm a little excited about these challenges and they aren't "bad" challenges to have) in having a child already in the mix to plan for once we are chosen. When Josiah was born, we packed a couple of back packs and got on a plane. We skipped baggage claim and went straight to our rental car and to the hospital so we could get to the hospital on time. This time, we will have to pack Josiah related items, a car seat, and make a plan for him while at least one of us is at the hospital. Since we are always in prayer that we will be able to witness the birth of our second child, we will have to figure out a way to make Josiah safe and comfortable while also welcoming a new family member.
Another challenge will be welcoming a second birth family into our lives while still maintaining a relationship with Josiah's birth family. I continue to foster the relationship we have with S, and I keep her update on our second adoption progress as well as continually remind her that she remains an important part of our lives.
Over the next few months, be expecting blog posts from me to be about the process of infant domestic adoption, how the process works (in more detail than the first go around) and updates on our own personal journey. And of course, updates and pictures of the cutest little curly haired boy. We appreciate your prayers as we start this journey again and look forward to sharing our second adoption journey with you!
Coming into this a second time, we have the same fears and concerns we had the first time. We also have the same excitement and expectation. Since we chronicled the first adoption, I will continue to document this adoption journey with more details this time on the process itself (partially as a distraction for myself as we start the waiting period again).
Our new agency is less expensive than our first, but more labor intensive. We will design our own profile and create our own video profile, as well as printing them, etc. This cuts down their cost. Unfortunately, agency adoptions aren't cheap, even when some of the fees are cut. God provided during our first adoption through generous donations from friends and family, fundraising, penny saving and repayment of some of the fees, we were able to leave our first adoption without significant debt. We are starting over again, but we trust God to provide again.
We chose this agency instead of returning to our first not because the first wasn't good-- we had a good experience with them for sure. We chose this one because they have a Christian background, are less expensive and you have more freedom and control in your adoption journey by being more involved in the profile process.
Now that we have experienced the joy of being parents, the second adoption is a little scarier than the first. Now that we know how incredibly in love you can become with a newborn in an instant, realizing that could be taken away by a change of heart (please note; it is a birth mothers right to change her mind and we would never fault a woman for choosing to parent her child) is horrifying and heartbreaking.
We also will experience new challenges (though, I admit, I'm a little excited about these challenges and they aren't "bad" challenges to have) in having a child already in the mix to plan for once we are chosen. When Josiah was born, we packed a couple of back packs and got on a plane. We skipped baggage claim and went straight to our rental car and to the hospital so we could get to the hospital on time. This time, we will have to pack Josiah related items, a car seat, and make a plan for him while at least one of us is at the hospital. Since we are always in prayer that we will be able to witness the birth of our second child, we will have to figure out a way to make Josiah safe and comfortable while also welcoming a new family member.
Another challenge will be welcoming a second birth family into our lives while still maintaining a relationship with Josiah's birth family. I continue to foster the relationship we have with S, and I keep her update on our second adoption progress as well as continually remind her that she remains an important part of our lives.
Over the next few months, be expecting blog posts from me to be about the process of infant domestic adoption, how the process works (in more detail than the first go around) and updates on our own personal journey. And of course, updates and pictures of the cutest little curly haired boy. We appreciate your prayers as we start this journey again and look forward to sharing our second adoption journey with you!
Friday, January 6, 2017
It's Been A Year
On Sunday, Josiah turns one year old. So many things have changed since this time last year and I was feeling nostalgic as my little man-- who is now weighs in the late 20s-- let me hold him while he slept this morning. He's much longer and heavier than he was at 18 inches long and just under 5 pounds, but he still prefers my left shoulder when he sleeps and he still strokes my arm as he drifts off.
I recently re-read all of the posts on this blog since the beginning of our journey to Josiah, as well as my journals about his birth and the weeks that followed. It's so nice to have a collection of my thoughts and written details of the events that have taken place. It's great to look back at the people who commented on these posts and see how many people were cheering for us.
Exactly a year ago today, I had no idea that in two days I would be a mom--we were supposed to have five more weeks. I had conveniently done all of the house chores, so I would fall asleep at the normal time in a clean home. My phone would ring a little after midnight and we would start the journey that would lead to our son.
Josiah is not that little 4 pound, 14 ounce baby we were so excited to meet last January. He is a chubby, 8 toothed baby who can walk on his own and eats anything you put in front of him. He is the boy who laughs at almost anything, loves to hang upside down, walks around with two light sabers and can't get enough of his grandma and grandpa.
Most of what I would say about the first year of Josiah's life would be typical to most mothers, though I wouldn't write the horrors of mothering like I read so many of before we brought him home. Yes, I didn't get as much sleep this year than I have in the past, I have dealt with more poop/pee/snot/bodily fluids than I could've imagined, my kid can SCREAM when he wants to and constantly caring for another human being can be a daunting task at times. But as most moms know, you adjust. I changed my schedule to make sure I got the time in that I needed (running and working out aren't options to me), I learned when I needed to step away from the baby, I learned when I needed to tell my husband to watch Josiah so I could go do something away from the house.
And with that, I celebrate a year of successful(ish) motherhood. A year of realizing just how incredibly selfish I am, of how incredibly amazing he is. A year of become more and more aware that I would do this again in a heartbeat.
We look forward to the next year with a quiet anticipation and hope that maybe we can complete our family with another child. We look forward to Josiah learning to speak, to run and to see his personality form.
Happy New Year, everyone, may 2017 bring you the blessings you need.
I recently re-read all of the posts on this blog since the beginning of our journey to Josiah, as well as my journals about his birth and the weeks that followed. It's so nice to have a collection of my thoughts and written details of the events that have taken place. It's great to look back at the people who commented on these posts and see how many people were cheering for us.
Exactly a year ago today, I had no idea that in two days I would be a mom--we were supposed to have five more weeks. I had conveniently done all of the house chores, so I would fall asleep at the normal time in a clean home. My phone would ring a little after midnight and we would start the journey that would lead to our son.
Josiah is not that little 4 pound, 14 ounce baby we were so excited to meet last January. He is a chubby, 8 toothed baby who can walk on his own and eats anything you put in front of him. He is the boy who laughs at almost anything, loves to hang upside down, walks around with two light sabers and can't get enough of his grandma and grandpa.
Most of what I would say about the first year of Josiah's life would be typical to most mothers, though I wouldn't write the horrors of mothering like I read so many of before we brought him home. Yes, I didn't get as much sleep this year than I have in the past, I have dealt with more poop/pee/snot/bodily fluids than I could've imagined, my kid can SCREAM when he wants to and constantly caring for another human being can be a daunting task at times. But as most moms know, you adjust. I changed my schedule to make sure I got the time in that I needed (running and working out aren't options to me), I learned when I needed to step away from the baby, I learned when I needed to tell my husband to watch Josiah so I could go do something away from the house.
And with that, I celebrate a year of successful(ish) motherhood. A year of realizing just how incredibly selfish I am, of how incredibly amazing he is. A year of become more and more aware that I would do this again in a heartbeat.
We look forward to the next year with a quiet anticipation and hope that maybe we can complete our family with another child. We look forward to Josiah learning to speak, to run and to see his personality form.
Happy New Year, everyone, may 2017 bring you the blessings you need.
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