The Nursery Song

I never imagined having a decorated nursery.  Since babies aren't known for being art critics and toddlers don't seem to care what color a wall is as they are drawing on it with a crayon, I never saw a need.  As long as I had a room that was comfortable and had all the things babies needed, it didn't have to match or look "cute".
During our first conversation with S, she asked about a nursery.  Knowing it was important to her to see that we had a place set up and ready for baby, we set off right away to create a space that we would love and that would make her more comfortable.  Sticking with gender neutral colors and items that can be used all over the house if they survive the first few years in babies room, we have almost completed our nursery.
Only two items remain.  Our dear friend, Rosie, is writing his name in calligraphy to hang above his crib, which we won't put up until he is home as a sign of respect to the fact that we have no claim on him yet and to protect our hearts from having to take that name down if something is to change. 
And, of course, our little boy.

 

I don't know if our son will be the slightest bit interested in music, but I didn't think he would mind for the first few years of his life that I hang a special piece of sheet music on his wall.  Who knows, maybe he will learn to play this song someday, or maybe I'll hang it downstairs somewhere when we replace this sheet music with a basketball hoop or Nebraska Cornhusker fan stuff.  One of the things I look forward to most in parenting is discovering what my son enjoys and then learning all about it if it is something I've yet to have an interest in.  Unless it's bugs or snakes.  Then I will gladly support him from a safe distance.

The song, A Thousand Years by Christina Perri.  Originally on the soundtrack of a movie about a vampire love story,  this song is probably one of the first where the lyrics are equally as moving to me as the music accompanying it.

Putting aside that the song is actually very well written, the instrument choice is spot on and it is beautifully executed, the lyrics are what bring me to tears every time I hear this song.  I might be a music nerd, but I am rarely bought to tears by modern music.

The words describe how I have felt throughout the past few years as we have prayed for a child.  Every month that went by, all of the times I prayed for my baby to grow up to be a good, Godly person even when it didn't seem like we would ever have one.  When we gave all of the intimate details of our life to a stranger to prove we could be potential parents.   Every baby announcement, every time I missed a baby shower or avoided a pregnant woman.  When S chose us, when we met her in person and felt a love and respect for her and a gratitude I can't even express.  Even now, in the uncertain hope we have for less than 8 weeks from now, knowing she is committed in her decision but knowing how hard it will be for her.  Knowing how much we've wanted this, how hard it has been, and knowing the end result is the most important responsibility and greatest joy Jim and I will ever experience.


A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
One step closer
One step closer
I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

The Whirlwind-iest Trip I've Ever Had

We left here Friday morning at 8 and were home by Sunday at around noon.

Between those times, we did a lot of traveling, some eating, a lot of learning, some crying (okay, so that was only me), some nervous pacing and a lot of trying to put details to memory. It took a while to process it all.  It was a surreal, great experience that might mean so much to our future son.

We met our attorney first, it was nice to meet her in person and know where we'll be signing paperwork after baby is born.  She had some frightening potential news to share with us as we were walking out the door, but otherwise it was a good visit.

We then went to an awesome Lebanese restaurant and met our hostess for February.  The woman who is going to let us take over her guest bedroom for our first couple of weeks of parenthood.  She is even more awesome in person and I don't think she realizes how much of a gift she is giving us by letting us use her home while we figure out a baby.  And she has great taste in food.

The next day was devoted to meeting S.  A tour of the hospital was scheduled, as well as lunch at a place of her choosing.  We also had ample time for conversation afterwards as well.  The hospital seemed a little less adoption friendly than we had hoped, but they were friendly enough to us and gave S a lot of attention, which is what you want from a hospital.

I did my best to commit everything I could to memory and spent the entire flight home (almost three hours) writing everything down in my "Dear (Insert name of son)" notebook.  It's important to me that if my son ever has questions that I can answer as many as possible, and I want him to know where he was born, who was born of and what he has in common with his past.

So I told him how she held herself while she was listening during the tour of the hospital, how she wore her makeup, how she dressed.  I described the hospital he'll be born in.  I described the town his mother lives in and the people in her life.

I told him the feelings I had during our visit.  How nervous I was (and how we arrived at the hospital an hour early), how I paced back and forth while we waited.  How Jim had to grab my arm to slow me down when we went to meet her at the front door.  I told him the things that were exciting, the things that scared me, and of course, how I can't wait to come back and see these people and places again, because that means he is on his way!

The highlights of the trip were--

1. Meeting S.  Seeing her in person, looking her in the eyes (and she has beautiful eyes), having open and honest conversations together.  Having Jim open the door for her.
2. Meeting some of S's family.  Shaking hands with some of the biological family of our potential son.
3. S giving us ultrasound pictures.  This is where the crying came in.
4. Hugging S before we left and hearing her confidence in her decision. 
5. Feeling confident ourselves that this is a good situation-- that we have a good connection with her, that adoption is a good decision and that with all of us in that boys corner, he's the luckiest baby being born in February.

We know that our trip was covered in prayer and positive thoughts from our friends and family.  We had no travel problems at all and overall, except thinking we lost the rental car once.  The trip was a success, and though there were some scary things to process, we are so glad we went.

Anticipation

In just a few short days Jim and I will be on a plane to Detroit, Michigan.  And a day and a half later, we will be on the return flight home.
It will be a whirlwind trip where we will not only meet S (the main reason for the visit), some of her family, our hostess for our visit in February and our attorney as well as touring the maternity ward of the hospital where S will give birth.

The word to best describe how we feel and how we have prepared for our visit is anticipation. 

While I feel what you might expect of someone in our circumstance-- nervous to meet someone new, worried she will not like us after she meets us in person, concerned her family won't like us and change their mind-- I am also just anxious and excited to meet her. 

She is giving us hope.  She has made a decision that would give us the opportunity to become parents and give us the greatest gift we have received.  She has made this decision knowing that it will cause her a great deal of pain.

We have been talking via text and some phone calls about every other day since our initial phone conversation.  We have shared pictures of the nursery as we have been preparing it and she has been so excited to see our progress.  When we named our son together I think we were both crying with how perfect the name turned out and how we all three loved it.  When we talk about our future we always seem to be on the same page.  I look at the picture of her baby bump a few times a day and am so grateful she shared it.

Someday, if all goes well, she will be family of sorts.  So while it's a little scary to meet her and be under the scrutiny of her support system, it will also be like meeting a long lost relative that you plan on keeping in our life from now on. 

We are also excited to meet the wonderful lady who we met through an organization I'm in.  After a phone conversation, she offered to let Jim and I stay in her home after the baby is born in February so we don't have to live for two weeks in a hotel room.  It's amazing and we're excited to meet her so we aren't strangers when we show up on her doorstep with a little bundle.

And meeting our attorney will be nice, as we are very grateful that we've been placed in capable hands who will handle the documents and everything legal that we need to do during a very awkward and confusing time where we would rather be focusing on our little man.

So if you are the praying type, we would appreciate you lifting us all up this weekend.  It may or may not be awkward, but this is just another thing we want to do for S and most importantly, for our future son. 

I Was The Only One

I have two older half siblings that were out of the house before I was born.  This means that I was raised as an only child, basically.  I also grew up with older parents on a llama farm outside of town, which further removed me from society... society my age, at least.

Being an only child, like any upbringing, had it's advantages and disadvantages.  I can say that having to entertain myself a majority of the time meant I practiced my instruments more and used my imagination almost constantly.  I acted more like an adult from a young age because it was all I knew-- from the first painfully awkward handshake and "howdy" I gave fellow students in preschool to discussing our financial future with my boyfriend-now-husband.  I also can now comfortably sit at home alone in silence without feeling lonely or uncomfortable.  And, being the only child meant I had my parents full and undivided attention in every way-- they attended every concert, drove me to every event, bought me everything I could need and most of the things I ever wanted.  In a word, I was spoiled.

The disadvantages change with time.  I longed for a little sister as I grew up.  Someone to love, some to protect, someone to play with on the days I didn't feel like making up another story.  And while my mom and I always got along, I think I used picking fights with her to fill the void of sibling rivalry.  It was sometimes lonely to be the only one to play with.  And not knowing how to act around other kids only created more of a gap between me and my peers.  While I grew up with friends, I longed for that best friend that loved me as much as I loved them, but never quite reached it. 

I grew out of longing for a sister early enough.  My parents were older when they had me, so the realist in me knew there was no possibility of a sibling.  So as I got older, the disadvantages to only childhood changed.  As my sisters-in-law got married, each with their sisters at their side, I was hit with a feeling of being an outsider... not a member of the sisters club.  Sometimes, when friends fade away or move on, I wish I had that sibling connection of someone who grew up with me to lean on. 

Again, I was a spoiled girl with a great relationship with my parents and a fantastic life.  So I contemplate these things for a very different reason.

If this adoption is completed come February and we bring home a son, there is a very good chance he will grow up an only child.  It wasn't something I had really considered much in my naivety, when I planned for 2 or 3 children and had them spaced the way I'd like and had the genders that I'd like in the right order.  The luxury of our daydreaming never considered the expense of our first (and potentially only) adoption putting the possibility of more children at risk.

But the reality is we can't do this again for a very long time, and when we have a son in our home I'm not sure I would want to put all of our resources towards this goal again when we would like to have some set aside for him and his future goals.  It's a sad reality that Jim and I have both had to face.  Jim has never questioned having multiple children in our home, that has always been his plan. 

I wonder if my child will appreciate being the one and only.  I wonder if he will be shy and awkward like I have been or if we will manage to socialize him enough.  I wonder if he will long for a little brother or sister to play with, or if he will feel lonely.  I wonder if feeling lonely will accentuate to him that he was adopted and further upset him.

Of course, this is coming from a woman who isn't even a mom yet.  I have no idea who my son will be and I don't want to project my feelings onto him.  But I wonder, and maybe do a bit of worrying.  I would hate if the fact that we can't have a baby and can't afford a second one was a point of pain in his life.