For a long, long time, adoption was dominated by the stories of the adoptive parents. The result was adoption always considered a happy ending because the adoptive family got what they wanted-- a family. The stories, the struggles, the sacrifices of the birth mother were forgotten or hushed. The difficulties, the confusion, the trauma of the adopted were silenced by pleas of gratitude or worse-- there stories were hidden; even from them.
Today, I can find a dozen articles written by a person who was adopted, giving me lists of things they want adoptive parents to know. Which is awesome. Of all of the people involved in what the industry calls the "adoption triad", the adopted person deserves a loud and profound voice. Their perspective is imperative for all aspects of adoption and needs to be heard by everyone.
And while some of these articles, websites, blogs, videos, etc., can be heartbreaking for an adoptive mother like myself to read because they show harsh realities and strong criticisms about a decision I made to grow my family, they are all valuable voices that need to be heard by people like me.
Today, however, I'm going to share my list. My list of things I want my son to know. I have written a more detailed, more private letter in my son's book (the journal I keep with his milestones, communications with his birth family and other things we want to share with him), but I thought I would share this in case someone needs to read it. The potential adoptive parent hurting in the wait (like me), the birth mother missing her child, the adoptive parent during a difficult parenting stage, the adopted struggling through something. Or maybe, someone who just wants to know more about this crazy, beautiful, difficult road.
**Please note that I am just one adoptive mom. The list here is what I feel and believe and doesn't represent the feelings of all adoptive parents.**
Dear Son,
1. We Love You. More than words can express. Months and years before you were born we prayed for you, we cried for you, we pleaded for you. That first moment we heard of you, with all of it's unknown, all of it's uncertainty, all of it's fear, we loved you. I remember the first time I held you... I remember taking that first deep breath with you on my chest and realizing it was the deepest breath I had ever taken. I felt whole with you there. I experienced that deep, vibrant breath daily after that. We love you fiercely, the kind of love that will stop at nothing, the kind of love that would sacrifice everything.
2. We are grateful for you. Sometime in your life, you will be told by someone that you should be grateful for being adopted. I'm here to tell you that we are grateful for you. We are grateful for the opportunity to change your diapers, to wipe up your spills, to discipline you when you are naughty. We are grateful for the hugs, the kisses, the giggles and the joys. We are grateful to hear "mama" and "papa". We are grateful for every moment that has yet to pass. We are grateful for your life and our part in it.
3. We are listening. Even when you are feelings things that you think might hurt our feelings, we want to know. Even when you've done something wrong, we want you to speak. When you are happy, when you are sad, you can tell us. If you want to know more about your birth family or visit or you are sad about how your life started, you can tell us. We will do our best to listen well and act when it's necessary.
4. It's your life, you get to decide. You weren't given the option to be raised by me. None us get the choice of our parents, but you got an added step to your story. But you, my love, get to decide how you feel about it. I hope you are able to feel peace. We will do everything in our power to help you achieve that. We will be honest with you about everything we know about your story, we will be your advocate, your fighters, your cheer squad. In the end, only you have control over how you feel about not only how your life started, but everything else in your life.
5. We aren't perfect. As much as I want to be, I can't be the perfect mom for you. I realize that having you in my life is a gift I wasn't guaranteed so I feel the need to be the best I can be for you and the pressure to be perfect can feel overwhelming at times. But there will be days when my patience wears thin, when mom needs a break, when I snap at you or do something not "motherly". I've already experienced these things. I'm already sorry for them and for the times coming. But I know they are coming. Please know we are trying.
6. I think about her all the time. Your birth mother is always on my mind. Your smile, the way you lift your eyebrow, they remind me of her. I worry about her, I wonder what she's up to, I think "will she like this picture?", I pray for her. Our relationship will be complicated at times and easier at others, but she is never far from my mind. Because of her, I have you. Because of her, I'm "mama". She has played an incredibly important roll in my life. You may have a lot of different feelings towards her as you grow but I will respect her and have concern for her always, because she is a part of your story and you are so incredibly important to me.
7. You don't have to be like us. Your dad is an engineer, good at math, a cyclist who likes cars and legos. I am a musician, a runner who likes reading and daydreaming. You might be a football player. Maybe you will draw the most beautiful pictures. Maybe you will love to swim. We are so excited to learn about whatever it is you are good at and what you enjoy doing. I may not like football now, but if you played, it would become my favorite sport. I can't draw a convincing looking stick person, but if you draw I will find the best people I can to help you and I will learn everything I can to appreciate your craft. If you can't sing a tune in your whole life, as long as you are polite during the performances you sit through (sorry kid, you are stuck in a family with some musicians, you'll have to listen to music sometimes), I am happy.
9. You are still going to be disciplined. There is a lot to learn about this world and how to live in it. Your life may have started out differently but I don't believe in letting that dictate how I parent you. You will still learn to be a gentleman, to treat people with kindness, to be respectful and work hard. You will still learn that there is a right and a wrong and that we won't tolerate bad behavior because we love you and want you to be the best version of you possible.
8. We hope you love us, too. It's selfish, I know. We read about and prepared for the difficulties of bonding through adoption while we waited, and I worried. I never worried about loving you, but you get to decide how you live your life and how you feel about us. I know there is a chance that some day you will utter "you aren't my real mom"-- it will break my heart, even though I know to be ready for it. After your life with us we hope you'll keep us in it. We hope while you are here that we will be the ones you run to when you fall, the ones you trust when you need comfort, the ones you will want to share your joys with. We hope to be grandparents to your children, we hope you come home for Christmas sometimes, we hope you call us when you want a recipe or help fixing your car. We hope that we have poured enough love into your life that you will love others and we hope to be a part of that.
