For those who weren't interested in the details of the adoption process, you can sigh with relief that this is the last one on the topic until Parrish Little #2 enters the scene (which let's face it, I want to write to you about tomorrow or next week, but of course, it's all in God's timing now).
When a couple returns home with an adopted baby, much is similar to that of natural born babies, but there are differences. People arrive at the home to hold the new little one, people will make comments about what the child looks like and which parent he or she resembles the most, life will mold into the new normal that is family life with a child.
Some differences are minor. The people flooding the home of a newborn don't often bring meals to the new parents (presumably because she didn't go through a birth, and they have been parents for a while now, so the assumption is they don't need it). The comments about the child's looks are often said with surprise (he kind of looks like you!) or are a far reach from reality (he kind of looks like you! Even though his hair, eye, skin color and bone structure are all different than yours!).
Some differences are wonderful. The people who have been praying diligently for a family are over the moon ecstatic to see their prayers come true.
Some differences are huge. Mostly, more paperwork. Yup, adoptive parents, that's right. It's not over yet. For the most part, your paperwork nightmares are over. You do have to have two follow up appointments with your home study provider, so she can evaluate how you are parenting your child and give her stamp of approval before the adoption can be finalized.
The insurance companies require social security numbers for new children, so there is paperwork required there.
In six months (or longer, like ours) a child's finalization paperwork and official birth certificate will be released. Then a son or daughter is officially, in the eyes of government, a member of their new family, even though they have been a member of that family since they were born.
FUTURE ADOPTIVE PARENTS READ THIS!!!
When you apply for a social security number for your child, make 100% sure you get a new number. It is often part of the paperwork the birth mother fills out at the hospital without even realizing it. If you do not get a new number, there is a chance she will receive an exact matching social security card to the one your child will receive. It is dangerous to have multiple cards available, so please make sure!
After the social security number is taken care of you, as far as legal stuff goes, an adoptive family can be a family with no more breath holding or things to check off.
Depending on the level of openness a family has with the birth family of a child, pictures, letters, text messages, photo sharing sites and visits are in the future, but these are all blessings and a wonderful way to do right by your child and the woman or couple who gave the gift of family to someone else.
Depending on the racial background of the birth and adoptive families, answering questions from strangers and other things you might not think of will become part of your daily life.
Other than that, an adoptive family functions as a family. There is a lot of diapers, a lot of learning and most of all, a lot of love.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Thursday, March 16, 2017
What To Expect When You Are Expecting (To Adopt)
From this point on, every adoption situation is unique. In our experience, we were called a few months prior to the birth of our son. We got to know his birth mother. We made arrangements to meet her before the birth (I highly recommend this, because it makes dropping in on delivery day a lot less awkward when it isn't the first time meeting her). Our agency called at midnight, she called 5 minutes later, we rushed to the hospital and watched our son be born.
This isn't always the case, of course. A couple might receive a call that a baby is born and waiting, or that a woman is sitting in the parking lot of the hospital and has chosen them before she walks in to deliver. There are various levels of getting to know each other, etc.
At the hospital is different for everyone, too. Some women are open to having both adoptive parents in the room during birth. Others want only adoptive mom, while still others would rather an adoptive family not be involved until everyone is cleaned up a bit.
Some doctors and nurses will be understanding an encouraging during the process while others will be draining. Some will help a couple get a room with their child and make sure nurses are checking. Others will whisper in the birth mothers ear that she doesn't have to do this. Some will lavish you with gifts for your little one in free samples, while others will make you leave the hospital with nothing, not even an extra diaper (hello, our discharge nurse!).
A few things remain the same, and unfortunately that's all the work involved. An adoptive couple needs to obtain some medical information for the lawyer-- basically a sheet with the APGAR score of the child, date and time of birth, etc. A lawyer or assistant will arrive at the hospital for some signatures, which is essential because you can't leave the hospital without having a legal binding to the baby (that's called kidnapping, folks).
After the baby is released from the hospital, a family needs to go to the lawyers office to sign a bunch of paperwork. Think a mortgage but triple it... all the while holding a three day old. This time, I plan on bringing our lawyer their favorite coffee drink and bringing some for us, too. It's a long appointment. Maybe donuts, too.
For two weeks (typically 10-14 business days) an adoptive family has to stay in the birth state so that paperwork can be sent from one ICPC office to another, confirming that all of the ducks for this adoption have been put in a row. The lawyer calls the family and releases them the moment they hear back. Most of that time is because documents are in the mail, which is very frustrating!
These two weeks are both heavenly and awful. Heavenly, because we were finally parents and we got to spend two uninterrupted weeks as a family with our newest member. Awful, because you don't know if it's real or not. So many things can still go wrong... depending on the state, birth mothers have a few days to weeks to decide if this is something they really want. To fall in love so hard but also remain guarded, to want to be authentically grateful but also being incredibly scared of a woman is daunting. Someone once explained it as though you are in labor for that much time. Yes, it's not physically painful, but the anticipation of not knowing, the fear of heartbreak is severe. Someone who has just given birth is usually emotional and may call at odd hours at the night, or have scary things to say every once in a while. It was really hard to remain calm when I thought our dreams were crashing. But we continued to encourage her as a person, continued to be positive towards her and prayed like crazy.
To pass the time, we sometimes left our little borrowed apartment, but mostly we just looked at our baby. We took him to grocery store, some fast food, and a few visits with birth family members. Next time I am hoping the weather will be good enough we can just get out and see the area our child is from!
When a family is released they can go home and wait for the finalization. We flew home. We kept the box from his car seat so we just stuck it back in the box and checked it. I strapped Si on, went up to the TSA agent nearest me and asked to be searched separately. We got on the plane, fed him when it took off and when it landed, and he slept the rest of the time, surrounded by gentle "oo's" and "aw's" of the other passengers.
Then you get to go home as a family!
This isn't always the case, of course. A couple might receive a call that a baby is born and waiting, or that a woman is sitting in the parking lot of the hospital and has chosen them before she walks in to deliver. There are various levels of getting to know each other, etc.
At the hospital is different for everyone, too. Some women are open to having both adoptive parents in the room during birth. Others want only adoptive mom, while still others would rather an adoptive family not be involved until everyone is cleaned up a bit.
Some doctors and nurses will be understanding an encouraging during the process while others will be draining. Some will help a couple get a room with their child and make sure nurses are checking. Others will whisper in the birth mothers ear that she doesn't have to do this. Some will lavish you with gifts for your little one in free samples, while others will make you leave the hospital with nothing, not even an extra diaper (hello, our discharge nurse!).
A few things remain the same, and unfortunately that's all the work involved. An adoptive couple needs to obtain some medical information for the lawyer-- basically a sheet with the APGAR score of the child, date and time of birth, etc. A lawyer or assistant will arrive at the hospital for some signatures, which is essential because you can't leave the hospital without having a legal binding to the baby (that's called kidnapping, folks).
After the baby is released from the hospital, a family needs to go to the lawyers office to sign a bunch of paperwork. Think a mortgage but triple it... all the while holding a three day old. This time, I plan on bringing our lawyer their favorite coffee drink and bringing some for us, too. It's a long appointment. Maybe donuts, too.
For two weeks (typically 10-14 business days) an adoptive family has to stay in the birth state so that paperwork can be sent from one ICPC office to another, confirming that all of the ducks for this adoption have been put in a row. The lawyer calls the family and releases them the moment they hear back. Most of that time is because documents are in the mail, which is very frustrating!
These two weeks are both heavenly and awful. Heavenly, because we were finally parents and we got to spend two uninterrupted weeks as a family with our newest member. Awful, because you don't know if it's real or not. So many things can still go wrong... depending on the state, birth mothers have a few days to weeks to decide if this is something they really want. To fall in love so hard but also remain guarded, to want to be authentically grateful but also being incredibly scared of a woman is daunting. Someone once explained it as though you are in labor for that much time. Yes, it's not physically painful, but the anticipation of not knowing, the fear of heartbreak is severe. Someone who has just given birth is usually emotional and may call at odd hours at the night, or have scary things to say every once in a while. It was really hard to remain calm when I thought our dreams were crashing. But we continued to encourage her as a person, continued to be positive towards her and prayed like crazy.
To pass the time, we sometimes left our little borrowed apartment, but mostly we just looked at our baby. We took him to grocery store, some fast food, and a few visits with birth family members. Next time I am hoping the weather will be good enough we can just get out and see the area our child is from!
When a family is released they can go home and wait for the finalization. We flew home. We kept the box from his car seat so we just stuck it back in the box and checked it. I strapped Si on, went up to the TSA agent nearest me and asked to be searched separately. We got on the plane, fed him when it took off and when it landed, and he slept the rest of the time, surrounded by gentle "oo's" and "aw's" of the other passengers.
Then you get to go home as a family!
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
During The Wait: Trip Prep
I am, and become increasingly more so every day, a planner and organizer. As an example, I have the meals my family will eat for the month of April already written out. I have a clothing organizer app on my phone so I don't have to think too hard about what to wear-- and I have a capsule wardrobe so I can organize it easily.
So it goes without saying that just waiting without any preparation would be against my nature. I need to prepare, even though the when, where and how fast it happens are all up in the air. And let me tell you-- all of my prep work was not in vain during our first trip.
When you get the call, it could be a few months ahead of time (so you can get to know the birth mother) or it might be when the child is already born, or the birth mother is actually in labor when you get the call. No matter when the call is made, if you adopt out of state, you will be there for at least two weeks. Since babies don't often come on due dates, you will be leaving for two weeks at the drop of a hat.
Because I now know a few people are reading this blog who are currently in some stage of the adoption wait, I thought I would share some specific things I did to prepare and my packing list for the first adoption (and what I think I'll pack the second go around).
Things I did during the adoption wait;
--Lined up a last minute house and dog sitter. As a private instructor, I had awesome students to ask for help, and one of my senior girls was more than willing to move in and love on my dogs while we were away.
--Put a few things in the pantry for the house sitter, as well as a "how to care for things" list and contact information for anyone they may need to reach. This go around, our house sitter on call has given us a couple of things she likes to eat so we are already prepared, in case she needs to move in for two weeks tomorrow.
--Make contact with your travel agent. At first, I was against using a travel agent. I was convinced I could find a better deal. And maybe I could have. But for us, when we received the call at midnight that she was in labor, spending any amount of time looking for flight deals was not on my to-do list. Fortunately, I had the cell phone number to our local travel agent. I called her, she made our flight and emailed us confirmation as we drove to the airport.
--Talk to your credit card. Because you will suddenly be in another city buying things you don't usually buy (baby items!). It would not be fun for the card to be suspended. If you learn about where you will be, call and they will notate your account.
-- Make sure you can access your accounts online, or have numbers to call so you can pay your bills while you are gone. Don't come home to no electricity or a late fee on your water bill.
-- Pack a baby bag. Or don't. It depends on what you want to do. I didn't want to spend our first day out of the hospital in a Target, so I brought a few essentials from home.
-- Set up a nursery, if you feel up to it. Don't do this if seeing baby items reminds you that you are waiting and hurts your heart. We didn't set up our nursery until we were chosen, and then it was only because Si's birth mom was excited to see what it would look like.
On to what to pack;
+The Baby Bag
Fortunately, we knew ahead of time that we were staying at a residential address and our hostess was super, super sweet. We sent ahead a box of baby items so we didn't have to worry about it when we went to the airport. We included;
-burp clothes (I recommend bringing a lot...they eat a lot and can be messy, those little ones!)
-a few cute, gender neutral onesies (even if you are told you will have one or the other, gender neutral is just the safest option... and your 3 day old doesn't need to be in pink. White onesies for the first few days are great, then you can sneak out and buy that little blue truck shirt if you'd like).
-little bottles. Be prepared to buy other ones if they don't like the nipple. We were fortunate that Josiah didn't seem to care where the food came from as long as it was there.
-Swaddle blankets. We didn't bring enough and had to buy more. Half a dozen is probably enough if you have access to laundry.
-A carrier. After all the scary "your baby won't bond to you" type reading we had to do, I decided carrying was the way to go. You can navigate the world a lot easier with a baby strapped to you than carrying around the car seat (and if you are in a fun new town and want to explore with baby, strap him or her on and go to town!).
+The Parent Bag
**We are kind of minimalists, especially while traveling. For Josiah's birth, we both had a backpack and then shared a carry on for clothes. We did this for a very specific reason; to get to the hospital as fast as humanly possible. We didn't want to wait at baggage claim when that could mean missing the birth of our son.
-a few comfortable outfits. You are a new parent now. Sweatpants are okay. I'd suggest bringing one nice casual outfit for those days you have to go to the lawyer, visit with birth family, or you know, be in public. Otherwise, comfy is king.
-toiletries. Shampoo, conditioner, just like vacation.
-cell and charger. If your friends and family are anything like ours, you will be getting a lot of calls and texts in the first few days.
-a good camera. Most lists for adoption packing will recommend just bringing your phone because they have good pictures, but if you really like good quality photos, a good camera is great. It is also a lot easier to to ask someone to take a picture of you with the birth family if you have a camera ready.
-laptop/notebook. Write everything down. Write the color of the walls, the way the nurses held your new little one, the way his birth mother holds a cup. Any details that your child might want later, or details you might want to remember later. I had a notebook but ended up on my husbands laptop after my hand started cramping up.
-thank you cards and gifts. We had a packet of 20 and used all 20 thank you cards by the end of trip. We wrote thank you's to the nurses who treated us well, to anyone who seemed to go above and beyond for us. It goes along way, and I know that some of those nurses aren't used to receiving thank you cards. We also got a gift for our hostess, our lawyer, and of course, our son's birth mother.
-A grocery and item list of "to buys". Let's face it, babies need lots of stuff. But having a little list started will help when one of you has to leave the hospital to get these items. These items include; a car seat (car seats cost about the same everywhere, so unless you have a specific one you want, waiting until you are there means one less thing to pack), formula (wait to buy big amounts until you know what your new little tummy can tolerate), dish soap (for washing and rewashing bottles), laundry detergent (there will be a lot of laundry), more burp clothes (you may never have enough), diapers, and some comforting groceries. If you are staying at a hotel, consider doing some research on cold meals or ways you can cook in a hotel room so you don't spend all of your money eating out.
Things we will pack this time, because Mr. Si will be joining us
-another person! I have a friend who has agreed to drop everything and come along with us for a couple of days so we can be in the hospital as our new little one is born without having to have one of us in the waiting room with Si.
-A car seat and a travel cover for it so it doesn't get dirty.
-A few outfits, books, toys and comfort foods for him.
And we will add to our little grocery list some formula and food for his age group, diapers for his size and a special toy for him so he knows he's still our little buddy :).
So there are my OCD recommendations for traveling for a domestic infant adoption. I hope it's been helpful to those who need it and interesting to those who don't.
So it goes without saying that just waiting without any preparation would be against my nature. I need to prepare, even though the when, where and how fast it happens are all up in the air. And let me tell you-- all of my prep work was not in vain during our first trip.
When you get the call, it could be a few months ahead of time (so you can get to know the birth mother) or it might be when the child is already born, or the birth mother is actually in labor when you get the call. No matter when the call is made, if you adopt out of state, you will be there for at least two weeks. Since babies don't often come on due dates, you will be leaving for two weeks at the drop of a hat.
Because I now know a few people are reading this blog who are currently in some stage of the adoption wait, I thought I would share some specific things I did to prepare and my packing list for the first adoption (and what I think I'll pack the second go around).
Things I did during the adoption wait;
--Lined up a last minute house and dog sitter. As a private instructor, I had awesome students to ask for help, and one of my senior girls was more than willing to move in and love on my dogs while we were away.
--Put a few things in the pantry for the house sitter, as well as a "how to care for things" list and contact information for anyone they may need to reach. This go around, our house sitter on call has given us a couple of things she likes to eat so we are already prepared, in case she needs to move in for two weeks tomorrow.
--Make contact with your travel agent. At first, I was against using a travel agent. I was convinced I could find a better deal. And maybe I could have. But for us, when we received the call at midnight that she was in labor, spending any amount of time looking for flight deals was not on my to-do list. Fortunately, I had the cell phone number to our local travel agent. I called her, she made our flight and emailed us confirmation as we drove to the airport.
--Talk to your credit card. Because you will suddenly be in another city buying things you don't usually buy (baby items!). It would not be fun for the card to be suspended. If you learn about where you will be, call and they will notate your account.
-- Make sure you can access your accounts online, or have numbers to call so you can pay your bills while you are gone. Don't come home to no electricity or a late fee on your water bill.
-- Pack a baby bag. Or don't. It depends on what you want to do. I didn't want to spend our first day out of the hospital in a Target, so I brought a few essentials from home.
-- Set up a nursery, if you feel up to it. Don't do this if seeing baby items reminds you that you are waiting and hurts your heart. We didn't set up our nursery until we were chosen, and then it was only because Si's birth mom was excited to see what it would look like.
On to what to pack;
+The Baby Bag
Fortunately, we knew ahead of time that we were staying at a residential address and our hostess was super, super sweet. We sent ahead a box of baby items so we didn't have to worry about it when we went to the airport. We included;
-burp clothes (I recommend bringing a lot...they eat a lot and can be messy, those little ones!)
-a few cute, gender neutral onesies (even if you are told you will have one or the other, gender neutral is just the safest option... and your 3 day old doesn't need to be in pink. White onesies for the first few days are great, then you can sneak out and buy that little blue truck shirt if you'd like).
-little bottles. Be prepared to buy other ones if they don't like the nipple. We were fortunate that Josiah didn't seem to care where the food came from as long as it was there.
-Swaddle blankets. We didn't bring enough and had to buy more. Half a dozen is probably enough if you have access to laundry.
-A carrier. After all the scary "your baby won't bond to you" type reading we had to do, I decided carrying was the way to go. You can navigate the world a lot easier with a baby strapped to you than carrying around the car seat (and if you are in a fun new town and want to explore with baby, strap him or her on and go to town!).
+The Parent Bag
**We are kind of minimalists, especially while traveling. For Josiah's birth, we both had a backpack and then shared a carry on for clothes. We did this for a very specific reason; to get to the hospital as fast as humanly possible. We didn't want to wait at baggage claim when that could mean missing the birth of our son.
-a few comfortable outfits. You are a new parent now. Sweatpants are okay. I'd suggest bringing one nice casual outfit for those days you have to go to the lawyer, visit with birth family, or you know, be in public. Otherwise, comfy is king.
-toiletries. Shampoo, conditioner, just like vacation.
-cell and charger. If your friends and family are anything like ours, you will be getting a lot of calls and texts in the first few days.
-a good camera. Most lists for adoption packing will recommend just bringing your phone because they have good pictures, but if you really like good quality photos, a good camera is great. It is also a lot easier to to ask someone to take a picture of you with the birth family if you have a camera ready.
-laptop/notebook. Write everything down. Write the color of the walls, the way the nurses held your new little one, the way his birth mother holds a cup. Any details that your child might want later, or details you might want to remember later. I had a notebook but ended up on my husbands laptop after my hand started cramping up.
-thank you cards and gifts. We had a packet of 20 and used all 20 thank you cards by the end of trip. We wrote thank you's to the nurses who treated us well, to anyone who seemed to go above and beyond for us. It goes along way, and I know that some of those nurses aren't used to receiving thank you cards. We also got a gift for our hostess, our lawyer, and of course, our son's birth mother.
-A grocery and item list of "to buys". Let's face it, babies need lots of stuff. But having a little list started will help when one of you has to leave the hospital to get these items. These items include; a car seat (car seats cost about the same everywhere, so unless you have a specific one you want, waiting until you are there means one less thing to pack), formula (wait to buy big amounts until you know what your new little tummy can tolerate), dish soap (for washing and rewashing bottles), laundry detergent (there will be a lot of laundry), more burp clothes (you may never have enough), diapers, and some comforting groceries. If you are staying at a hotel, consider doing some research on cold meals or ways you can cook in a hotel room so you don't spend all of your money eating out.
Things we will pack this time, because Mr. Si will be joining us
-another person! I have a friend who has agreed to drop everything and come along with us for a couple of days so we can be in the hospital as our new little one is born without having to have one of us in the waiting room with Si.
-A car seat and a travel cover for it so it doesn't get dirty.
-A few outfits, books, toys and comfort foods for him.
And we will add to our little grocery list some formula and food for his age group, diapers for his size and a special toy for him so he knows he's still our little buddy :).
So there are my OCD recommendations for traveling for a domestic infant adoption. I hope it's been helpful to those who need it and interesting to those who don't.
Friday, March 10, 2017
A Weekend Of Firsts
There was a part of me expecting a call from our agency this weekend. During our first long adoption wait, we refused to spend any frivolous money to honor the donations of people who had sacrificed financially to help us create our family, so we didn't do any traveling. Jim had signed up for the Bike Ride Across Nebraska before we had really thought it all through, but I spent almost the entire year at home, spending as little money as possible.
As someone who loves to travel and needs to see trees every now and again, I was getting itchy to get out of town. Finally, after over a year of careful spending, we decided to take an inexpensive trip out of town to visit Jim's sister near Denver. I signed up for a 10K and we bought a birthday gift for our nephew.
Turning the corner not even a block from home on that Friday afternoon, my phone rang from a Kansas number-- our adoption agency state. I had Jim pull over in front of our neighbors house. I used the oil change receipt laying on the floor to write down the information we were being given-- a woman had chosen us and wanted to have a phone meeting before making her final decision. That call would happen Monday. We kept it quiet on our trip, because so many things could go wrong, but I attribute my 2nd place finish and over 6 minute PR to nerves and excitement for the upcoming phone call.
So a week ago, as I loaded Josiah into his car seat in the back of my parents vehicle, I wondered if I would get the call. We were Nevada bound to visit some of my family. The phone didn't ring, so our wait continues, but this time I have the privilege of watching my son experience everything for the first time to keep my occupied.
During our 6 day cross country trip, Josiah visited three new states-- Wyoming, Utah and Nevada. He spent over 24 hours in his car seat. He said "gamma" (Grandma) for the first time. He met my sister, her family, and my aunt and uncle.
He got to pet a chinchilla, pet and sit on a horse, be in the drivers seat of a police truck (turning on the lights and siren, of course), sit on a motorcycle and swim in a pool for the first time. Not to mention eating out at many new restaurants, sleeping in new places and watching TV.
For as long as he had to stay in his seat, and how many naps he skipped because new places are exciting, he did an excellent job as a one year old traveler. And while I didn't get the call I was hoping for, I'm glad I got to do a little traveling with just my little buddy.
As someone who loves to travel and needs to see trees every now and again, I was getting itchy to get out of town. Finally, after over a year of careful spending, we decided to take an inexpensive trip out of town to visit Jim's sister near Denver. I signed up for a 10K and we bought a birthday gift for our nephew.
Turning the corner not even a block from home on that Friday afternoon, my phone rang from a Kansas number-- our adoption agency state. I had Jim pull over in front of our neighbors house. I used the oil change receipt laying on the floor to write down the information we were being given-- a woman had chosen us and wanted to have a phone meeting before making her final decision. That call would happen Monday. We kept it quiet on our trip, because so many things could go wrong, but I attribute my 2nd place finish and over 6 minute PR to nerves and excitement for the upcoming phone call.
So a week ago, as I loaded Josiah into his car seat in the back of my parents vehicle, I wondered if I would get the call. We were Nevada bound to visit some of my family. The phone didn't ring, so our wait continues, but this time I have the privilege of watching my son experience everything for the first time to keep my occupied.
During our 6 day cross country trip, Josiah visited three new states-- Wyoming, Utah and Nevada. He spent over 24 hours in his car seat. He said "gamma" (Grandma) for the first time. He met my sister, her family, and my aunt and uncle.
He got to pet a chinchilla, pet and sit on a horse, be in the drivers seat of a police truck (turning on the lights and siren, of course), sit on a motorcycle and swim in a pool for the first time. Not to mention eating out at many new restaurants, sleeping in new places and watching TV.
For as long as he had to stay in his seat, and how many naps he skipped because new places are exciting, he did an excellent job as a one year old traveler. And while I didn't get the call I was hoping for, I'm glad I got to do a little traveling with just my little buddy.
 |
| Grandma getting Josiah to fall asleep in the car. |
 |
| Riding a horse (Red) with his cousin, Kinley. |
 |
| LOVING sitting on a motorcycle. I think we might be in trouble in the future. |
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