Gratitude

Happy (Late) Thanksgiving!
I have much to be thankful for. 
I sometimes don't act like it.  This year in particular I have struggled with focusing on gratitude, which is silly when I look at the beautiful things that have happened in my life. 
This blog is late because I have had great few days spent with my husband son and parents, doing some of my favorite jobs at the music store (window display!) and doing the things I love.
So, here is my Thanksgiving list.  Because I love lists.  I could list much more, but 10 is such a good list number... which doesn't make me sound OCD at all, right?

1. Jim.  Without him, I wouldn't know who I am. Love my husband with all my heart.  He's a top notch fella'.

2. Josiah. My almost two year old, curly haired boy.  He says please, thank you (tank too), sings his ABC's (kind of) and knows more words every day.  He surprises me, thrills me and brings me joy.  I love this little boy more than life itself.

3. Josiah's mother.  Without her, my current life wouldn't be possible.  I wouldn't have a boy who has her beautiful brown eyes, or who looks like her when he is thinking about something.  I wouldn't have this beautiful son of mine.  I'm grateful not only for her decision or the boy she gave me, but her spirit.  A spirit of giving and self-sacrifice.  

4. My closest friends.  Danielle, who ran crazy distances with me this year and supported me through a couple of difficult times... especially during running those crazy distances.  Tanya, who was there for me in ways no one else was the past few years and who loved my son and I more than most anyone.

5. All of the people who have done little things to support our adoption process.  Sharing profiles, liking Facebook posts.  These things might be what results in Josiah's sibling.

6. My parents.  It's been awesome to watch my dad fall in love with his grandson.  That they are here in town and willing to be grandparent day care two days a week has been amazing.  I am grateful for our Friday night Ninja Warrior viewing parties with them, too.

7. Continued jobs, home and food.  The fact that we have never worried about our next meal or a place to sleep.  Grateful that we can provide a life for ourselves and our son and to give, as well.

8. My three puppies.  One poor little guy went blind this year, but his demeanor has only improved since it happened (of course, that might be because he gets more attention and pets than ever before!).  These furry friends continue to warm my heart and my feet.  They are sweet and keep me in check when I start to get frustrated (our German Shepherd is like a trained emotion dog-- he comes directly to me and starts pushing on me if he hears me get frustrated.  Unfortunately, it usually causes more frustration!).

9. Running.  Going about two weeks without consistent running after my 50K I realized that I need it more than I ever realized.  I am grateful to be able to run most every day.  Even if I'm sore or slow or cold, it makes me better.

10. All the little things that make life better- Chai tea lattes and the lady at the coffee shop that knows my order before I say it.  An awesome local movie theater and good places to eat for date nights.  A high school band worth cheering for.  Successful grocery shopping trips.  Chocolate lavender cake.  Soft french terry pajama pants.  Music and headphones.  Getting house projects done.  Free evenings at home with my boys.  Toy trucks and Llama Llama books.

The Honest Lie

In January of this year, soon after Josiah turned one, we signed on with a new adoption agency.  We had tried a few months on our own  to advertise ourselves with zero results and I was becoming increasingly concerned and impatient.  I jumped when I found an agency that was slightly less expensive than our previous one and gladly paid the large upfront payment after reading through their encouraging statistics and positive vibe.

We were the perfect potential adoptive parents, having our home study already completed, working tirelessly to get our profile completed in record time; she said motivated couples usually took a month, we were done in two weeks.  We followed their suggestions.  We made it upbeat, exciting and "unique" to us.  We avoided sounding at all desperate or like adoption on our end was hard. 
We made our video, smiles plastered on our faces as we glossed over infertility and right into the excitement and hope of becoming parents.

Per their suggestion we avoided featuring Josiah much in the video.  He is too young, they said, birth mothers may not like seeing us with another baby in the house.  So, still smiling, we barely mentioned the son that literally is the most important thing in my life.

So we focused on music and athleticism instead, because those things made us "unique" they said.  Pictures of me running races and Jim riding his bike.  Posed pictures of me playing instruments, of us sitting on our couch playing the guitar.   A posed picture of Jim sitting on our piano bench playing his electric guitar, not plugged in.  We took my parents to the nature park to have my dad catch shots of us walking down the path, playing on the benches (because, you know, we so frequently go to the nature park to jump on the benches).  We invited friends over to take posed pictures of us playing board games-- we actually played the board game and had a wonderful time, but the pictures were staged.  We had a neighbor come over to capture us casually picking apples from the apple tree I have neglected since we moved here and play with our dog in the front yard even though he is rarely allowed to play in the un-fenced front yard.

We described our lovely small town and how close we are to big cities even though we hardly get to the big cities.  We talked about the lake, even though we rarely visit.  We talked about how absolutely excited everyone in our life is to see us adopt, even though the excitement has worn off significantly since this is round number two.

We smiled, the pitch of our voices raised for excitement.

We made a facebook page.  We were encouraged not to talk about how hard the wait is, but to just share our lives-- positively.  So I post pictures of the happy times of cookie baking and festivals and avoid posting the flooring torn up after the fridge leak.  I think of fun facts about our family to share and make videos of things that are happy.

And it is real.  We are genuinely smiling in every picture and everything I share is genuinely a good thing in our lives.  We may have been faking the apple picking, but we were enjoying our time together and laughing at ourselves for ridiculous posing.  When I say I can't wait to have another child and give Josiah a sibling I'm not kidding.  The thought of it actually happening brings a thrill up my spine and a lightness to my heart.

And it is fake.  I am constantly considering and reconsidering what I post with concern about how happy it appears.  I don't smile often when the camera is put away.  If I were able to be completely honest to potential birth mothers, I would tell them that I am hurting for another child.  I would tell them that left alone with my thoughts for even a second my eyes fill with tears.  I would tell them that if I don't pay attention to myself carefully I can easily start to feel panic set in.  I would tell them that I don't really trust my agency and I'm kicking myself for pushing Jim to sign up with them.   I would tell them that when the adoption tax credit was potentially on the chopping board I worried that we would never be able to pay back my parents for the loan to adopt baby number 2.  I would tell them that I'm really scared that we will never be chosen again.  I would tell them that there have been days when I have felt the crushing weight of rejection knowing that if our agency is doing their job, dozens of women have not chosen us.

And it wasn't unique.  Just days after our profile featured on our agencies Facebook page, another couple was pictured sitting on their couch, playing guitars.  Not long after, another couple was shown picking apples.  We are so "unique" that we are the same.  Most every couple describes themselves as athletic or active, and often they are musical.  It's hard to pull yourself away from the pack when you only have 1500 words to describe yourself.

Being a potential adoptive parent is an honest endeavor.  It is also a bit of a lie.  We put our best face forward, hoping someone likes what they see.  We don't dare show how scared we are, how hurt, how disappointed.  So we smile, as genuinely as we can, and we save our tears for our desperate pleas to God that He answers us soon.

List of 25

I've been wanting to write a blog post for a while but just haven't had the creativity or interesting stories to do so.  We are redoing our flooring, so my house is a disaster, and with everything else going on in my life right now I'm feeling that way myself.  So I found a list of questions I thought would be fun to answer.  Because when I can't be creative, I let someone else do the heavy lifting... much like I'm letting Jim do the hard parts of the floor repair.


Question 1: When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you?
I'm usually pretty good at sharing when I've blown it.  But, there have been times when I played dumb and gotten away with things.  I honestly can't think of an example but they are, to my embarrassment, somewhere in my past. 
Question 2: What would you name your boat if you had one?
I wouldn't.  And if I did, I would name it, "I Wouldn't", because no one else would use that name for a boat.
Question 3: What will finally break the internet?
I thought Ellen already did that. 
Question 4: What celebrity would you rate as a perfect 10?
I wouldn't, but the highest ranking would probably be Zachary Levi.
Question 5: Which fictional character would be the most boring to meet in real life?
Edward Cullen.  Because really, that series could have been condensed to half a book if "I love you Bella", "Bella, Bella, Bella" wasn't repeated so often.
Question 6: What is the best and worst purchases you’ve ever made?
Best purchase-- My Buffet Festival Bb Clarinet.
Worst Purchase -- Right now I'm thinking my house because it's falling apart, but probably more realistically HP laptops.
Question 7: If you had to change your name, what would your new name be, and why would you choose that name?
I can't tell you that, in case I go into protective custody and need to use that name. (Or... if we become parents to a little girl and I am able to use that name...)
Question 8: What are some things that sound like compliments but are actually insults?
There are so many, not worth typing them out.   People can be mean.
Question 9: What’s a body part that you wouldn’t mind losing?
I quite like all of my body functioning.
Question 10: What’s your biggest screw up in the kitchen?
I dropped a pot holder into my stove once and it started on fire.  I left a pan of sweet potatoes in the oven and went to a concert with them still in the oven.  I spilled juice under the fridge.  I got the wrong burner hot and melted a tupper ware lid.  I could go on...
Question 11: What’s the worst commercial you’ve recently seen? Why is it so bad?
Macy's commercials always annoy me.  I only get commercials on youtube, though, and they are usually fast.  I do remember a European car commercial where the sunroof took off a cat head, which to this day grosses me out.
Question 12: What’s the closest thing to real magic?
Fireflies.
Question 13: What is the craziest thing one of your teachers has done?
I had a teacher who wore her glasses upside down and jeans under her skirt.  She admitted to not combing her hair for months on end and almost killed Jim and I while crossing 5 lanes of traffic during rush hour.
Question 14: Who is the messiest person you know?
My 2 year old son, without a doubt.
Question 15: What problem or situation did TV / movies make you think would be common, but when you grew up you found out it wasn’t?
Quicksand.  I was convinced that stuff was everywhere. Why do people like beaches?! It's a death trap!!
Question 16: What quote or saying do people spout but is complete BS?
There are so many!  "Slow and steady wins the race" has always bothered me...I get the illustration but it isn't true.  Well trained and properly executed wins the race.  The slow one is still slow...

Question 17: What’s something your brain tries to make you do and you have to will yourself not to do it?
Eat the chocolate. 
Question 18: What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?
I'm an idiot.  The ways are numerous. 
Question 19: If you could know the absolute and total truth to one question, what question would you ask?
This is a really big question and I don't know if I could have a question picked out.  It would be to God about God, but I'm not sure which I would ask of the many questions I have for Him.
Question 20: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week?
Nothing I've read has been interesting.  It's all been sad.  The most "interesting" sad was that in India a mob lit some elephants on fire.  It's not interesting, it's just shocking to read.
Question 21: What ridiculous thing has someone tricked you into doing or believing?
I was a gullible and imaginative child.  Mermaids in the creek behind my house, gnomes in the woods ...you name it. 
Question 22: If you were given a one-minute ad slot during the Super Bowl that you couldn’t sell, what would you fill it with?
Either a recipe you can make in under a minute with typical super bowl party foods (I don't know what that would be, but I would love to see people try to make it in under a minute... interactive TV!) or blank screen so the diehards freak out.
Question 23: What’s the most useless talent you have?
I can do mindless, repetitive tasks really, really fast.  I can pull a dollar bill out from between stacked cups. 
Question 24: What would be on the gag reel of your life?
I think I mentioned I'm an idiot, so there are plenty of face-palm moments for the audience to enjoy.  But the times I've burst out laughing have mostly been with my husband or my kid and the awesomely fun things they do.
Question 25: Where is the worst smelling place you’ve been?
Science class when we were dissecting worms. 

What A Bunch Of Running Taught Me

I, with Danielle, ran a race that was a little over a 50K last week.
50K=31.6 miles. 
We ended up closer to 33, depending on whose watch you would look at (mine died directly at the 50K mark so it was unreliable).

I initially didn't share my intentions of running this race with many people.  Those who needed to know knew.  Jim, of course, and my parents, who sometimes watched my child or stuck a water bottle in their mail box during my long runs.  My bosses, because I thought they should know why I was so tired, starving, or hobbling around.  A couple of family members because during visits I had to explain that I had to be running for two or more hours on Saturday morning, or I couldn't eat this or that on Friday night.  Every once in a while the topic came up-- "what races are you signed up for?", "doing anything fun this fall?", and as the race neared "does anyone have any prayer requests?".

Anyway, a week ago today, I started my day off shiveri
ng under a borrowed blanket from Danielle's son, waiting for the longest race of my life to start.  It was a 10.5 mile loop done 3 times on trails.  Mostly single track, which was definitely written in the description of the race but definitely did not register in my brain. single track, if you don't know, is literally a beaten down trail about one persons width, like the picture below.

Part of the Cunningham Lake Trail, possibly where we ran (it looks slightly familiar).

not part of the trail we were on, but a better representation of most of it.  Deep single track with no safe places to run on the sides. 

The first loop was fine, I noticed more pain in my knees than is acceptable for 10 miles because I wasn't prepare for that caliber of trail-- the trail required a lot more balance than I needed on the gravel roads I'm used to.  It also had a couple of places where you needed to climb down a steep cliff-like thing, a hill where you almost had to use your hands to get up, and other crazy things I wasn't really prepared for. We also ran our extra mile in the first loop because someone directing wasn't in the right spot.

Loop two we slowed down due to some trouble for my running buddy.  She rallied and I struggled through the third loop as my IT Band threatened to "snap" as it has in the past, which would have led to a non-finish.  I also learned that my "wall" that runners so often claim to have-- the time in a race where all energy is lost-- is just a time when I start to cry.  It isn't really motivated by being tired, or wanting to be done, or even realizing we are close to the finish line.  It just meant tears for no reason.  Because, you know, crying helps with proper breathing.
We finished a lot later than I anticipated and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed.  The goal was to finish, and we did, but it still stings to have an intended pace be completely missed.  An older man helped cheer Danielle and I on during the last mile.  She and I held hands at the end, crying and cheering as we crossed the finish line.  The race director, at least in the pictures, looked as though we had just won the race he was so thrilled for us.  We got our medals, we were handed orange julius drinks by my dad and husband (a request I had made before the race), I cried some more and hugged my kiddo. 
my family and I headed back to the hotel so I could shower and then we were off to Costco.  It was at Costco where I realized I was going to be more sore than I hoped for.  My foot, which didn't hurt at all during the race or even the hour after, started to become painful to walk on.  The next morning, I wouldn't consider how I got around "walking".
The side of my foot swelled a bit and hurt a bunch.  I didn't attempt any running until Wednesday and lasted a block before I decided it wasn't a good idea.  By Thursday morning I felt great and went out with my awesome friend Tanya and did a fast 4 and felt great until we were done, then I was back to hobbling.  I think I am on the mend again, but tomorrows very short run will tell me how far along I've come.

So, with that recap, here is what I learned while I trained for and ran a 50K.  These are in no particular order, of course.

1. It's hard not to talk about it because training for a race is like taking on a part time job.  Saturday mornings were spent running.  Most mornings were spent running.  When people ask what you are up to, it's hard not to mention it because it becomes a part of who you are.

2.  I would not do a long distance without a friend.  And it would have to be a really, really good friend.  Danielle and I are at similar fitness levels, though we both have our strengths and weaknesses that are different.  However, if I didn't have her at my side the last lap, I may have just slipped into my car at mile 28 when we saw my family and just went home.  If I had gotten that far to begin with.  There is something to be said about the vulnerability and trust you gain with a running partner, and I couldn't have done this race with anyone other than Danielle. 

3. People, no matter what you do, will have their opinions and jokes.  One of the first things I heard when I told someone I had run a 50K was "so when is the 100 miler ?!" with a sly grin on their face.  My response was "Never.  I'm pretty happy being an ultra marathoner without going that far, thanks".  It's just the way people react.  There are plenty of people who will be encouraging and impressed, but there will always be the "commenters".  On the plus side, for every "commenter" there are at least twice as many positive people.

4. This will probably never happen again.  The time away from family to train, the sacrifices my family had to make on race day to cheer me on, the constant fear of injury and worrying about eating too much or too little isn't really worth it for me.  I also have only run once since the race and running, as silly as it might sound to those who don't do it, is my therapy.  With how difficult life has felt these past few months anyway, not being able to run has been absolutely terrible.  Mornings have been hard, feeling like not waking up because I didn't have a run to go on.  I have felt like dough (like squishy and warm and blobby, lol) not being able to run, my mind playing tricks on me that I suddenly ballooned in size because I'm not getting that exercise in.  And not being able to joyfully play with my son without gimping around behind him isn't worth it.  Maybe someday, when my kids are completely self sufficient and I need another challenge, I'll do another one.  But I have no desire or excitement for that distance again.  It wasn't horrible, it just isn't what I want to do right now.

5. It can be done.  There was a time not too long ago I didn't think I would ever run more than 5 miles at a time.  Or more than a half marathon.  Or more than training for a marathon (never ran it, just trained with Danielle).  But now I can say I've run an ultra, and I never thought that was possible.  It's pretty dang cool what the human body can do.

6. All sorts of people do it.  I saw older people, young people, people that didn't look particularly fit, people who could probably bench press me in a second and people in silly clothes. 

7. Getting back to "pre-50K" life is difficult.  Of course with an injury I have a bit of an extra layer.  But running without needing to walk or eat is going to be a transition.  Not needing all of Saturday morning to get miles in.  I have some lofty fitness goals this year that I look forward to tackling, but figuring out how to get out of long distance training is going to be tough.

So there you have it.   I was in a 50K race.  Proud of my BFF Danielle and kind of proud of myself, too. 

In My Own Hands

When something isn't available to me, I tend to take matters into my own hands.  I am the kind of person who, given the opportunity, does something instead of waiting for someone else to do it.  This isn't always the best quality to have, it feeds into my impatience and can lead to me diving into something when I should have taken a step back first.

However, there have been some successes in my desire to have certain things in my life.  A jazz band was born because I wanted to play with other musicians.  So was a quintet.  When I couldn't find a decent arrangement of a Christmas oboe and bassoon duet, I wrote one.  

When I couldn't find fresh ground peanut butter locally (after falling in love at a Whole Foods in Boulder), I bought my own peanuts and made my own. 

When I didn't like the streaks my floor cleaner made on my floor, I made my own.

When I decided that Febreez wasn't something I wanted in my house, I made my own "fresh smelling spray".

When I really wanted stuffed pasta but there wasn't any gluten free options, I made my own.

When the only dairy free yogurt in town kept selling out and wasn't reliably available, I started making my own.  

There have also been the failures.  The getting things done before they were ready, or focusing on something I had no control over type of failures.  Writing a song when I was in high school and trying to push it to be published before I graduated from high school, and the painful rejection letter that followed.  The time I threw away something in the kitchen I never used but Jim did.  The many times I've pulled bread or cakes out of the oven before they were done or cutting them before they were cool enough.
All of the stupid, ridiculous things I did that would supposedly help me get pregnant.

 ******************************************************************************

So when it seemed like we may never adopt another child again, I took our agencies "advice" to make a Facebook page because the "I'll do this myself" part of my mind took over.  I fill it with the best pictures of our family, small facts that might spark any interest, and awkward videos.  I pray over the site, we share it with friends and family, we even put advertising money towards it.
I didn't want to.  I didn't want to advertise ourselves.  It feels uncomfortable.  But I've only wanted three things in my life as much as this-- to know I was saved, to marry Jim and to have our precious Josiah.  I felt like I couldn't NOT do something. 

In the end, I might feel like I'm taking matters into my own hands but I know better.  I know who is in control and it certainly isn't me.  And while sometimes His timing makes no sense to me, I have to trust that what His word says is true, that He has plans for me.

I don't know if taking matters into my own hands by making the Facebook page was a rushed decision that won't get good results, or if it's an awesome opportunity to make the right contact.  Only time (and hopefully less of it) will tell.  With the world continuing to go around, both the good and the band, I feel like I'm standing still.  I have no other choice but to acknowledge I have no control over the situation.  It's hard to have no say in something you so desperately want. 



In the meantime, however, if you haven't liked our page, here is the link .  Please feel free to like, comment (supposedly lots of comments looks good, so say the adoption experts at our agency who have asked us to do this), and share if you feel so inclined.  I don't want to ask, I don't want to be a burden on others anymore than I already am, but I do know God works in the little things, and maybe it's a comment that catches the eye of the right person, or a share or a like.  Or maybe this page will just be another something to keep me occupied while we wait for a son or daughter, a sibling and friend.

It's That Time Of Year Again

This is a friendly update about our second adoption journey.  I don't know if it's the change of seasons, that it's been a few months for us, or that a local family was recently blessed with a son through adoption (congratulations, by the way!), but like last year, this time of year seems to grow interest in how we are doing.  We are asked a lot more questions in the fall.  I truly appreciate these questions, knowing that those who ask genuinely care about us.

So for those who haven't gotten around to asking, or who have gotten my short version answer of "nothing has happened yet", here is where we are at in the second adoption process.

Nothing has happened yet.

We are active with a new agency.  To be honest, switching agencies has been a scary transition because they do things differently than our last agency and we don't know what to trust as being the "best" way.  It's hard not to see the old agency as doing things "right" because they are what we know, and we can look at our son as proof that their system works.  However, we also have an awesome God and though I sometimes struggle with not being able to see what He's doing, we have to trust that He knows what agency we're with and is with us through the wait.

Our new agency is primarily online based, so our printed profiles aren't being shown as often as they were at the previous agency, but we recently re-printed our second set.  We aren't sure if this is good or not.

We are open to a child or children up to a few months old of any race with varying degrees of drug usage depending on the particular drug. 

Process wise, this adoption process was easier because we knew the list of to-do's to get going so it was easy to get started.

Emotionally, this has been a harder adoption process than the first, at least for me.  Most well meaning comments are "it will happen", "at least you have Josiah" and "you don't want another one right now".  These aren't bad comments, but it's been hard to deal with the whole situation as it is. 
The truth of the matter is it might not happen-- we might not ever have another child in our home (if, by chance, it doesn't work out for some reason, we have already paid this agency and couldn't afford to start over). 
The truth is that Josiah is absolutely amazing, but a large reason behind wanting another child is so Josiah can have a sibling.  Also, there are families with multiple children in the world.  Would it be comforting to a mother to hear "at least you have your oldest" if your youngest didn't exist?  That child, the life, is precious and so wanted, whether or not we have another one in our home.
The truth is I'm not sure I want my children close in age, but the adoption process is unpredictable.  We know people who were chosen very quickly and others who have waited for years.  If we don't start the process earlier than when we are ready we may be a lot later than we can handle.  And my wants regarding age separation between my kids ceased to matter the minute we realized we had absolutely no control over our family planning.  I will gladly welcome our next family member into our home if they are both in diapers or the age is much different.

Knowing that our future families fate is in the hands of people we have only spoke with on the phone, that we are filtered through them first before potential birth mothers even have the opportunity to consider us, is hard.  It is hard to trust others with your life when you don't know them.

And it's hard to again have the Lord answering "no" and "not yet" to my prayers.  It's hard to be constantly in the wait and to hear the truths that are meant to be comforting-- that He hears, that He answers, that He wants something better for us-- when they don't seem to apply. I know this isn't the case, but it is hard and I'm tired. 

So, no.  Nothing has happened yet.  We are always hopeful that someday soon we'll get the call.  We trust that God knows what's best, even if it is just a family of three. And we keep on keepin' on, because that's what we do.

Thank you for your interest in our lives, we truly appreciate the encouragement, the prayers, the well wishes and the questions.  I love hearing that people read this blog, it is such a mood booster to know that people care. 

A Letter From An Adoptive Parent To Her Child

For a long, long time, adoption was dominated by the stories of the adoptive parents.  The result was adoption always considered a happy ending because the adoptive family got what they wanted-- a family.  The stories, the struggles, the sacrifices of the birth mother were forgotten or hushed.  The difficulties, the confusion, the trauma of the adopted were silenced by pleas of gratitude or worse-- there stories were hidden; even from them.

Today, I can find a dozen articles written by a person who was adopted, giving me lists of things they want adoptive parents to know.  Which is awesome.  Of all of the people involved in what the industry calls the "adoption triad", the adopted person deserves a loud and profound voice.  Their perspective is imperative for all aspects of adoption and needs to be heard by everyone.

And while some of these articles, websites, blogs, videos, etc., can be heartbreaking for an adoptive mother like myself to read because they show harsh realities and strong criticisms about a decision I made to grow my family, they are all valuable voices that need to be heard by people like me.

Today, however, I'm going to share my list.  My list of things I want my son to know.  I have written a more detailed, more private letter in my son's book (the journal I keep with his milestones, communications with his birth family and other things we want to share with him), but I thought I would share this in case someone needs to read it.  The potential adoptive parent hurting in the wait (like me), the birth mother missing her child, the adoptive parent during a difficult parenting stage, the adopted struggling through something.  Or maybe, someone who just wants to know more about this crazy, beautiful, difficult road. 

**Please note that I am just one adoptive mom.  The list here is what I feel and believe and doesn't represent the feelings of all adoptive parents.**

Dear Son,

1. We Love You.  More than words can express.  Months and years before you were born we prayed for you, we cried for you, we pleaded for you.  That first moment we heard of you, with all of it's unknown, all of it's uncertainty, all of it's fear, we loved you.  I remember the first time I held you... I remember taking that first deep breath with you on my chest and realizing it was the deepest breath I had ever taken.  I felt whole with you there.  I experienced that deep, vibrant breath daily after that.  We love you fiercely, the kind of love that will stop at nothing, the kind of love that would sacrifice everything.

2. We are grateful for you.  Sometime in your life, you will be told by someone that you should be grateful for being adopted.  I'm here to tell you that we are grateful for you.  We are grateful for the opportunity to change your diapers, to wipe up your spills, to discipline you when you are naughty.  We are grateful for the hugs, the kisses, the giggles and the joys.  We are grateful to hear "mama" and "papa".  We are grateful for every moment that has yet to pass.  We are grateful for your life and our part in it.

3. We are listening.  Even when you are feelings things that you think might hurt our feelings, we want to know.  Even when you've done something wrong, we want you to speak.  When you are happy, when you are sad, you can tell us.  If you want to know more about your birth family or visit or you are sad about how your life started, you can tell us.  We will do our best to listen well and act when it's necessary.

4.  It's your life, you get to decide.  You weren't given the option to be raised by me.  None us get the choice of our parents, but you got an added step to your story.  But you, my love, get to decide how you feel about it.  I hope you are able to feel peace.  We will do everything in our power to help you achieve that.   We will be honest with you about everything we know about your story, we will be your advocate, your fighters, your cheer squad.  In the end, only you have control over how you feel about not only how your life started, but everything else in your life.  

5. We aren't perfect.  As much as I want to be, I can't be the perfect mom for you.  I realize that having you in my life is a gift I wasn't guaranteed so I feel the need to be the best I can be for you and the pressure to be perfect can feel overwhelming at times.  But there will be days when my patience wears thin, when mom needs a break, when I snap at you or do something not "motherly".  I've already experienced these things.  I'm already sorry for them and for the times coming.  But I know they are coming.  Please know we are trying.

6. I think about her all the time.  Your birth mother is always on my mind.  Your smile, the way you lift your eyebrow, they remind me of her.  I worry about her, I wonder what she's up to, I think "will she like this picture?", I pray for her.  Our relationship will be complicated at times and easier at others, but she is never far from my mind.  Because of her, I have you.  Because of her, I'm "mama".  She has played an incredibly important roll in my life.  You may have a lot of different feelings towards her as you grow but I will respect her and have concern for her always, because she is a part of your story and you are so incredibly important to me.

7. You don't have to be like us.  Your dad is an engineer, good at math, a cyclist who likes cars and legos.  I am a musician, a runner who likes reading and daydreaming.  You might be a football player.  Maybe you will draw the most beautiful pictures.  Maybe you will love to swim.  We are so excited to learn about whatever it is you are good at and what you enjoy doing.  I may not like football now, but if you played, it would become my favorite sport.  I can't draw a convincing looking stick person, but if you draw I will find the best people I can to help you and I will learn everything I can to appreciate your craft.  If you can't sing a tune in your whole life, as long as you are polite during the performances you sit through (sorry kid, you are stuck in a family with some musicians, you'll have to listen to music sometimes), I am happy.

9. You are still going to be disciplined.  There is a lot to learn about this world and how to live in it.  Your life may have started out differently but I don't believe in letting that dictate how I parent you.  You will still learn to be a gentleman, to treat people with kindness, to be respectful and work hard.  You will still learn that there is a right and a wrong and that we won't tolerate bad behavior because we love you and want you to be the best version of you possible.  

8. We hope you love us, too.  It's selfish, I know.  We read about and prepared for the difficulties of bonding through adoption while we waited, and I worried.  I never worried about loving you, but you get to decide how you live your life and how you feel about us. I know there is a chance that some day you will utter "you aren't my real mom"-- it will break my heart, even though I know to be ready for it.  After your life with us we hope you'll keep us in it.  We hope while you are here that we will be the ones you run to when you fall, the ones you trust when you need comfort, the ones you will want to share your joys with.  We hope to be grandparents to your children, we hope you come home for Christmas sometimes, we hope you call us when you want a recipe or help fixing your car.  We hope that we have poured enough love into your life that you will love others and we hope to be a part of that.  

My Wardrobe Is Boring

Capsule Wardrobe.
The words that had this fashion-impaired, rushed in the mornings mama daydreaming of looking cute/professional/put together/fun every day without having to spend a ton of time doing it.

Turns out, it's kinda hard.  And I'm still not good at fashion.  But the minimalist in me thoroughly enjoys the fewer clothes on my side of the closet and the organizationally obsessed in me likes that most of my clothes now go together.

Most capsule wardrobe suggestions and "how to's" online just didn't work for me.  The 30 item or less wardrobe so many fashionistas brag about is typically seasonal or for specific lifestyles that just didn't work for me. 
I'm not a professional, so the pants suit, a skirt that matches the set and a few tank tops doesn't work for me, especially because as I wrote this I can see the yogurt stain on my shoulder from my toddler out of the corner of my eye.
I am also not business casual.  I walk to work or walk my son every single day.  Those cute heels that "every wardrobe needs" just doesn't work for me.  I can count three times in the past few years where heels would have been nice to have.  Otherwise, flats is where it's at, baby.
I live in Nebraska.  This week alone it has been 105 degrees, there have been rainstorms and I have run in a wind that was cool enough that if I hadn't been doing a physical activity I may have considered a light jacket.  Most wardrobes I find are for one season, and while that is fine, all seasons can hit me in a week here.  So I need to keep all seasons clothing available.  Meaning if I were to do 30 pieces per season, my closet would be fuller than it has ever been, which takes away from the whole minimalism aspect.

So, for interested parties who have read this far, this is how I have done my "capsule" wardrobe.  I again repeat that I am not fashionable in the least.  My clothes are boring at best and I'm sure there are plenty of people who look at my every day attire and could critique the heck out of what I wear.  But, I'm not here to win a prize for cutest part time music store employee/mom, I'm just sharing how my wardrobe simplifies my life.

To get started, I sat down and asked a bunch of questions.

1. How often do I want to do laundry and how many times can I wear things before they need washed?  I based my entire number of items off of this.  I didn't want to be doing laundry every
day so my wardrobe was "simpler", because that would be a pain, a waste of water and not at all simpler.

2. What do I do in a day, what kind of clothes work for that?  I walk every day and spend a majority of my time at home on the floor with a little boy playing cars.  I cook, clean house, help customers, etc.  Again, heels aren't working for me.  Neither are short skirts or other clothing that is difficult to move in.

3. What styles do I like?  There are plenty of styles of shirt to choose from, but I know the kinds I like.  What neckline do I think is flattering on me?  do I like long tops?  Tight or loose fitting?  What are things I like about certain pants?  I only allow things that I like what I look like in my closet. I'm my biggest critique (ask my husband, I'm pretty terrible to myself) so if I don't like what I look like, it either won't get worn or I will feel gross all day.  Might as well be something I think I look good in every day.

4. Along those lines, what do I like to wear when I don't feel good about myself?  Let's be real, at least for girls, we can look in the mirror one day and think we are hot stuff and the next day wonder why we're so bloated and gross.  I do my best to find clothes that I feel comfortable in, even on those days (so no super tight tops for me!).

5. What is my favorite neutral color? GRAY.  Many of my clothes are gray.  My main pair of shoes, most shirts, some bottoms.  Gray.

6. What are two or three colors that go with the neutral color that I look good in and like?  For me, burgundy and navy.  If it isn't gray, it's one of these two.  There is only one exception to this (a lighter blue tank top that was supposed to be navy, isn't, but still felt great wearing it) in my day to day clothing.  Boring? Most likely.  Easy to put together? YES.

After all that, for me, I listed everything that I own that fit these guidelines-- and ditched the rest.  It worked out to about 5 cool temperature tops and bottoms and 5 cold weather tops and bottoms, or close to it.

Please note; This list does not include two types of clothing--work out gear (of which I have 2 of every kind of seasonal item [2 pairs of shorts, 2 pairs winter leggings, that sort of thing]) and lounge wear, because I don't wear sweatpants every day (at least, not in public...).

My last and final question is do I feel good about it.  Is it quality (am I going to have to replace this item often?), does it hold it's shape/fit well, and most importantly, does it hold my values. 
Yes, I care about where my clothes come from.  I want my wardrobe to be as ethical as possible-- I don't want to give into slave labor or poor environmental choices when there are plenty of other options out there.  Pact, Threads 4 Thought, Prana, Patagonia, Columbia, North Face, Allen Allen... there are plenty of companies that make it a priority to provide clothing that last and that don't exploit.  This doesn't mean that a few don't slip in... Silver jeans fit me best and I am not sure about their policies.  And I have a skirt from Old Navy that I have owned for at least 6 years if not more that is still in good shape so I'm going to wear that puppy until it falls apart.  A lot of my athletic gear, which has held up surprisingly well, is of the cheap Wal*Mart/Old Navy variety.

So if you have ever found yourself wondering why you see me wearing the same clothes over and over again, this is why.  I might be boring, I may not be the cutest person in town, but since making this change I have never found an instance where I had "nothing to wear" or couldn't easily pick out a top and bottom to go together.

A Day In The Life

Everybody's day starts and ends differently... and every day is a bit different, too.  My life looks a lot different than the lives of even my closest friends and family.  Our daily routines are a big part of who we are because they are what we do.  All. The. Time.
My life is not glamorous, exciting, or the kind of picture perfect where I could give lifestyle advice (I always wondered how much confidence it would take to start a lifestyle blog).  It's just my life.  And other than the occasional bump in the road, (or adoption wait... ahem), or random circumstance, I'm pretty cool with the life I live.  With many areas capable of improvement, of course.
In any case, I have always found the routines and day to day lives of others interesting.  Yet, when we visit each other or spend time together or on social media, we are often not privy to the day to day activities.  For instance, when you visit family for a week, the house is often more organized than usual and the meals and activities are often more tailored to the visitors instead of being a typical week.

So here is a typical day of this average lady in eastern Nebraska.

Almost everyday, I'm up at 4:20 AM. 

Good morning, world.  Don't I look thrilled to be here?

That gives me 10 minutes to get dressed and check the weather before I head out for my morning run.  The length of run depends on the day and so does the wake up time.  The shorter the run, the more I sleep in the morning.  I try not to have such varied alarm clock time, but let's be honest, getting up at 4:20 when I could be getting up at 4:45... it's a no brainer-- but usually, the run is long enough I'm up at 4:20 anyway.
After my run, I follow with a workout, which again, varies by day.  Sometimes, it's a 50 minute workout with Jillian Michaels, other times it's a youtube video, other days it's listening to music while I make up my own routine. 
I get ready for the day after that with a quick shower, get dressed, etc.  If I have time, I throw laundry in to get it started, get the dishwasher ready to go and clean off any counters that weren't cleaned the night before.
at 7 AM I go get the kiddo.  I have gotten into the habit of turning on our Sonos speakers (shameless product plug...we have these at Lou Kraus Music.  They are awesome wireless speakers with a great sound that can be controlled from your computer/phone), one of which is in Josiah's room, with some really happy music before I walk in.  Then my boy is dancing in his crib and grinning ear to ear when I walk in.  Now THAT is how you start a day.

I feed little man breakfast and while he drinks his morning milk, I finish any chores in the kitchen area that need done and run a bath for him.   Usually, it's throwing a meal in the crockpot or dinner prep.
After he's cleaned up and just playing in the bath (what is it with kids and bath water?  He loves it!), I blow dry my hair and make silly faces at him, because I look hilarious holding my head upside down and my hair blowing everywhere.
He brushes his teeth, makes sure to check them out in the mirror, turns off the light and we get him dressed.
On days I work, we read a couple of books and then head out to Grandma and Grandpa's house.  I leave him there, walk to work from their house and well... work.  I have lunch with Jim on these days and we watch a stupid show on Netflix typically and enjoy eating a meal without feeding half of it Josiah. After work, I walk back to my parents, pick up my son, go home and play until dinner. 
On days I'm home, we go for a walk with the stroller, sometimes with a dog.  The dogs still don't get the whole stroller thing, though, so not often.  We come back and read some books, play with cars (all. day. long.), listen to music, etc. 

Hahahahaha.

I get him out of the house once a day-- to the grocery store, my parents house, the music store, the coffee shop, or the library.  It gives me a break from feeling like I have to be entertaining, and the chores I want to do can't taunt me while my son is playing drums with my boss (or "Uncle Bob" as he is known at our house) at the music store.

*Won't let me caption the video... this isn't Uncle Bob, this is "Uncle Luis", who also works at the music store. *
We break these things up with a snack at 10:30, lunch at noon, a nap from 2-4:30, followed by another snack.

The day I take a picture at the library isn't a normal day, of course, but it's still a great place to be on Tuesday mornings!

Nap time happens in one of two very drastic ways.  Many times, it's when I go into hyper-get-it-done mode.  This is the time I fold laundry, clean the bathrooms, organize closets, clean out the fridge, organize the pantry, mop the floor, bake, meal prep for dinner, research something that I need to understand better (like activities for toddlers, etc.), give the dogs a bath, clean the car out, write music, practice (quietly!), etc.  I am slightly obsessive about a clean home... and I give lessons, so I have kids coming into my house a few days a week.  If I'm not in a get it done mode, it typically consists of grabbing a cup of lemon water and watching You Tube videos for two and a half hours.  Because I can.Or I crash on the couch. Because I can't help it.
Jim is usually home after nap time and if we don't all play together it's because I'm doing last minute dinner preparations or giving music lessons. We eat dinner at 6, hopefully followed by a quick Bible reading while I clear the table.  If the temperature is good, this is followed by a family stroller walk.  After a little more playing (with cars, most likely) it's bedtime routine for little man.  I usually am in my pajamas at this point, too, because who wants to wear regular clothes, right? 
Jim puts little man to sleep, so I get my clothes laid out for the next day, check email, etc.
We sneak downstairs with the dogs and watch an episode or two of a favorite show, talk, or do something together as a couple.  This often also includes the dogs, who take the opportunity to cuddle without being over-cuddled by a baby.
I'm off to bed, where I read the Bible for a bit. I fall asleep earlier than most but that's because I start over at 4:20 the next morning.
Saturdays are a similar schedule but Jim is around, which often means some more free time for me to do something a little more "self centered" (like practice instruments, write blog posts, run errands) or we go somewhere as a family.  Saturday night is date night, meaning we will either get a sitter and go out, or watch something more than a TV show after Josiah goes to bed. 
Sundays I get to sleep in!  I usually do some stretching in the AM and get ready before the baby wakes up, we go to church, eat lunch at home, nap time is more restful on Sundays and these are almost always the days I read or watch a movie.  I also try to organize the next week during nap time in my awesome planner (I love having a planner because I'm a nerd).  We don't do a typical dinner Sunday night, think popcorn, smoothies (or Jim does milkshakes), apples and peanut butter. 
 
So there is a look into my life.  This does not include the awesome times I visit with friends or get to do extra fun things.  It also doesn't include the hours of worry, prayer, and work that go into the second adoption.  Everyone's story is different and our daily routines are different.  Hope you enjoyed looking at mine.

Let It Ring

I stared at the reflective screen of my phone.  I was holding it in my lap during church, facing up, like I do every Sunday.  It's a calculated move, a decision made months ago.  I want to be able to see the screen, because it lights up just before it starts to ring.  I keep it on my lap so if it does ring, I am ready to answer the moment it does, so the ring tone doesn't distract anyone else in the service.

I hit the power button once, so that a cute picture of my son lights up the blackened screen for a moment.  I do this multiple times a day.  Just in case I happen to miss the call I am so desperate to receive, I will sometimes check the call log and my email.  

In a moment of transition between someone speaking and the worship team, I run over the plan again in my head.  If we would've gotten the call in that moment, I knew exactly what I would have done.  I have daydreamed and planned and prayed for the moment continuously for months, so everywhere I go, I have the "drop everything and run" plan in place.  From the grocery store to work to the middle of nap time at home.  I know how I will tell people, I know who I will call first, I know what questions I will ask, I know where every item I want to pack is and I am pretty sure I can go from hanging up the phone to completely ready to go, ready to abandon our house and have our dog sitter alerted, ready to change my life forever, within 20 minutes.

During the prayer during the church service, I let my eyes slide open as I stare at the screen again.  Let it ring, I pray.  Let it be now.  The waiting is really hard.  I am ready.  

We leave the church and drive home to our almost perfectly cleaned home.  It looks like it's about to go on the market with how clean I keep it these days.  Our laundry never goes more than a day or two, our dishes are always clean and put away.  I would hate to leave our house a mess for my student who plans on living here to take care of our pets while we are away.

In the afternoon, I prepared freezer meals.  It's for this upcoming month, but I hope that they will come in handy when we come home with our family a little larger.

In the evening we went on a family walk, my phone sticking out of the stroller's cup holder.  We talked about history and our lives while Josiah sat contentedly in front of us, watching the world go by.  I was almost 100% in the moment, enjoying my life with my child and my husband.  But I glanced at the phone every now and again, willing it to ring.

I went to sleep with the prayer in my heart.  Bright and early Monday morning I laced up my running shoes and the moment my foot hit the pavement, the prayer began again.

Sometimes the prayer is sophisticated, referencing scriptures about answered prayer and good things for his people and miracles God has already done.  Sometimes I pray it out loud to the crisp morning air, not feeling the slightest bit embarrassed when I run past someone who hears me "talking to myself".  Sometimes it's a teary whisper and the only word is "please".

On my days off from work I fill our time with outings and games and the new obsession in our house-- cars.  I play with matchbox cars on our basement floor, I clean the house when Josiah is distracted enough for me to slip away.  No matter what room I am in, the phone is nearby, it's ring tone as loud as it can be.  Sometimes, my mom will call and my heart will skip a beat.  Sometimes it will be a telemarketer from another state and it will skip two.  I catch myself watching Josiah play by himself on the living room floor and wonder what kind of brother he will be, so I pray again.

I'm back to taking a break from most social media, because many of my lovely friends have baby bumps or birth stories to talk about.  It's wonderful news and I rejoice for them and then I send up my prayer again.

I am sometimes filled with hope, knowing that all things are possible through Christ, and sometimes filled with sorrow, because those things have yet to pass and there are no guarantees that they will.  I am sometimes distracted just enough that it isn't at the front of my mind, but it's always there.  So I pray.

Let it ring, Lord. Let it be now.  The waiting is really hard.  I'm ready.  

The Power Of Giving

I opened the mail box.

It was my birthday, so I half expected a card amidst the bills and flyers.  Instead, I found an envelope with a check from our church inside-- an anonymous donation had been given to the church to go towards our second adoption.

I was already sniffling from a cold I contracted while in Cheyenne the week before (side story! Stuck at the Cheyenne mall while my car had repairs done, we played for hours in the children's play area.  Josiah was at first scared of the tunnels, so I crawled through them with him.  I was the only adult willing to do this, resulting in all of the germs of all of the little visitors to rub off on my adult body.  Hence, a cold a week later.), but I sniffled a little more as I cried over this check.

In all of my years as a church-going Christian, I don't remember hearing a lot of sermons (if any) on the topic of how to accept gifts.  I remember being told to be grateful, but when it came to giving and receiving I was told to be generous, give to others, focus on sharing.  Until our first adoption I never had to think about it-- we were usually on a giving end.

If you have ever wondered while you anonymously gave to someone if your donation meant much... or if you have ever received help from someone else... ours is a story about what can happen with the kindness of others.  Your generosity, large or small, can change lives.  Receiving that generosity can change yours.

When we decided we wanted to adopt, we knew that having a child in our arms was more important than our pride and knew we couldn't do it without other people.  We stepped out on a limb asking for funds, something I had never done.  It was scary and at first, a little embarrassing.

But then I felt an overwhelming blessing to know that people were willing to sacrifice, be it a small or large amount, for my husband and I to become parents.   Before then, it was easy for me to feel as though I didn't matter much to those around me, that I was easily overlooked.  But there I was, with people investing in my future.

Knowing the process a little better, we chose a new agency with our second-- we do more grunt work and have to pay less.  Something we feel comfortable doing now that we've been through it.  Thanks to an adoption tax credit, our savings, donations and a refund, we were able to almost break even the first time.
We decided, being so close to the last adoption, we really didn't want to ask others for help a second time.  We were able to borrow the funds necessary from my parents and have been saving diligently to pay them back.  Even though it was a sum less than the original, it is still a larger sum than we would ever have just "lying around",

Without even asking, we've had sweet gestures.  Ranging from large to small, monetary to not.  We've had people share our profile on their Facebook pages (multiple times, even!), to offering to drop everything and accompany us to wherever the birth happens so we have someone who can care for Si while we navigate the hospital.

I'm not sure, really, how I am supposed to respond other than with simple gratitude, which is all I can give, really.  In every way I can I will pay these generous acts of kindness forward.  In every way I can I will instill the same generous spirit in my children.  I will be the very best mom I can be to give the most value to your investments.

And I will say thank you, again and again (I know this isn't my first time expressing my gratitude and it won't be my last).

Without the generosity of others, I wouldn't be a mom right now.  If you want to talk about changing someone's life, going from not a parent to a parent is pretty major!

So with that, I encourage you all to go out and give to those around you.  Offer your help, offer your time, give some money to those who need it.  It changes lives.  It changed mine!

It's Complicated.

I'm turning 30 in less than two weeks. 

My feelings on the matter are completely two directional.  Which seems to be my modus operandi lately.  I don't know if I've ever felt two distinctly different ways at the same time before.  It's complicated.

On the one hand, I'm not afraid of 30.  I have never thought of 30 as being old, I don't feel a mid-life crisis coming on and getting older doesn't frighten me.  I do think the things I've learned in the past decade have made me a better human being, but I wouldn't discount someone in their early 20's, either.  Age is, as they say, just a number.

On the other hand, getting married at 19, I did expect a few things to have happened by 30 that haven't.  While I am grateful for my life, I would not have guessed that at 30, I would be in a second adoption wait.  I had hoped to be a published composer by this point-- but with the current trajectory of my life I don't see that ever happening.

I am very happy with my life.  I'm also feeling pretty broken right now.

I am so happy to have married Jim, I am so happy to be a mom of my amazing son, I love my home, I love the people I am connected with, I am grateful for my dogs and my life.  I feel like I have grown as a person.  I enjoy my hobbies, I am confident in my interests.  I am in the best physical shape of my life.  

I still have things I want to accomplish-- some that I'm working well towards and others that I'm struggling.  There are things I want to do that I don't, and things I don't want to do that I do.  I would like to be better at the things I am working towards (better at living simply, better at eating healthy, more consistently reading my bible, always being the best mom possible).  Sometimes, it can really be a point of stress, being a determined goal setter.

I am sad.  I was ready for a second child the moment Josiah smiled at me.  I was not ready to have to wait until he was a year old (home study and adoption agency guideline across the board) to start the process again.  I was not ready for a second adoption wait.  For Jim and I, the wait, the hoops, the pain, they are necessary to grow our family.  I remind myself every day that it will all be worth it, but every day it worries me and it hurts.

I'm in a state of impatiently waiting.  As if it were going on the market soon, I keep my house clean in case we have to leave last minute (and I don't want the dog sitter to have to walk in on a mess).  My laundry stays caught up almost daily because, if we have to leave, we have to pack quickly.  My phone stays by my side, even though I don't like having it as a temptation and distraction.  I am in a constant state of planning for the "just in case".  Not signing up to volunteer for things in case we won't be there (I hope people don't mind us just showing up!) and when I do say yes it is with a caveat. My heart is filled with hope that it might be coming soon and dismay that it might not.

So I am happy, stressed, sad, and impatient as I enter my 30s.

In less than two weeks, Lord willing, I will turn the big 3-0.  Maybe I'll wake up with more wisdom on June 1.  Maybe I'll wake up with a gray hair.  Or maybe,  I'll still just be trying to better myself and waiting for the adoption call that will complete our family.  Most likely that.

Picture Palooza

My son has done a lot of things in his less than two years of life. 

He has pet a chinchilla, been to 6 states, gone swimming, gone Easter egg hunting, been to band and choir concerts, danced to and directed church choir, sat on a horse, motorcycle and police truck.  This past weekend, he got to enjoy Tulip Time in Pella, Iowa, while we visited his aunt, uncle and cousins. 

It has been a while since I've posted many pictures of my adorable little guy, so I thought I might just drop a bunch here for those interested to enjoy.

 

Easter Egg Hunting!

A Day At The Beach

Tulip Time!

Josiah gets special attention everywhere we go.

Cousin Kathleen dressed in traditional Dutch clothing.

Jim got to be in the parade as a broom cart pusher!  Here he is with his helpers, nieces and nephews.

In front of a WWII plane at the fly in breakfast Saturday morning.  Josiah LOVED planes.

Got himself some wings.