Note: This post has been revised and postponed numerous times because being open about lapses in faith and admitting to incorrect beliefs is embarrassing to a lifelong Christian. But, part of the reason I did this series was for this very post, so please be understanding as you read the following.
I have been a Christian all of my life. I can't remember a time when I wasn't aware and accepting of God's grace in my life. Faith has always played an important roll in my life. Christ has always been a part of my day.
My life was pretty calm. I never experienced a major illness or trauma that would shake my faith. While I am incredibly grateful to have had the carefree faith of someone whose life was stable for the most part, I admit that because my faith wasn't tested I developed some untrue beliefs. Nothing earth shattering or so terribly wrong that I would question my faith, but little secondary beliefs that I didn't really realize I had until they were exposed under pressure.
1. I believed that everything eventually turned out the way I wanted. To be quite honest, most of my life through my mid twenties, everything pretty much happened the way I wanted it to eventually. Sometimes the timing would be a bit off or one experience or another would deviate from the picture I had in my head, but typically things worked out. When I wanted something I worked hard towards it and it typically happened. Through parents who supported me in music to finding my soul mate at 14, I really never questioned that things would work out for me eventually.
Because of this, when we started to get serious about having children, I expected God to respond. When He didn't, I made excuses for Him. He was waiting so we would have a spring baby like I always wanted. He was waiting until my friends became pregnant so there wouldn't be a strain on our relationship. He was waiting until certain stars aligned. There wasn't anything really permanently wrong, it was just His timing.
2. I believed there was nothing wrong because we did what was right. Jim and I were "good kids" who waited until we were married. While there are blessings by making this choice in our lives for sure, there was some unwritten rule in my mind that because we had obeyed, we would be "shoe ins" for fertility. Because we waited when we were supposed to, when we were ready to have kids we simply would. For most of my life, until just the past few years through meeting many couples who have struggled with infertility, I just assumed that people got married and had kids.
While we had talked about adoption even in our dating days, it being our only option never crossed my mind.
3. When I finally realized that God wasn't directing our lives down that path, another belief I have secretly held on to surfaced. If you are sincere enough, desperate enough, God will answer your prayers. After all, those are the stories you hear the most. Even in the Bible (read how Samuel came to be) we read again and again of people who fall to their knees in complete despair and God grants them a desire of their heart. So I fasted. I prayed out loud, standing in my closet. There were times I would find myself crying so hard I didn't have tears left, so I would be simply gasping for air, hugging my knees in the corner. I was desperate, I was sincere. I would have done anything. But God was still silent.
These were all beliefs that I knew weren't correct. I knew God didn't just grant you what you wanted, even if you were a "good person" or if you were "sincere" enough. But because of the examples I had in my own life, these beliefs were in the back of mind, sometimes giving me hope and other times blinding me from the truth.
The truth was that God does all things for the good of His people. The truth is that God is all knowing and I am not. The truth is that God has his hand on every thread in the tapestry that is this world and he weaves them all together at just the right time. The truth is God had Josiah in mind for us.
Instead of giving me the little girl I always imagined, instead of surrounding me with the army of help I thought I would want the first few weeks of my child's life, instead of giving me what I desperately begged Him for, He said "wait, I have something better".
He gave us a heart for adoption, he gave us a heart for birth mothers and he provided us with a son. He provided us two weeks of bonding with him in some of the scariest circumstances so that when we got home we would be confident. He gave us a son whose birth mother is someone we care deeply for. Even small things I wouldn't have thought of were provided for us. And this kid is way cuter than what we could have come up with.
God doesn't always answer all of our prayers with a yes or a miracle. I learned a lot through our time of waiting. I recognized these silly beliefs that weren't true. My heart opened more, my life forever changed. While I would never wish a trial on anyone... if you are reading this and going through something that makes you feel desperate or that God isn't answering... I hope you will wait, and I hope He will show up His plans are better. Because God is good.
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