Tough Questions

I loved doing the home study portion of our adoption because it gave me something to work for.  I am a list maker, a checker-offer, a task oriented individual.  So having a checklist and getting it done was my thing.  I took it as a challenge to get it done as quickly as possible, because the faster it was done, the faster we could be active with our first agency.

The profile (my next post) was scary because of it's importance in the process, but it was fun because it was essentially just talking about our lives.  And while this will make me sound completely self absorbed, I liked writing about us.

After the home study and before the profile, however, there comes a point when you have to consider your options.

During the home study, you are required to read and attend classes that tell you the horrors and concerns and worries of adoption.  There are books that flat out tell you your child will be depressed, or hate you, or will always have issues because he or she is adopted.  So as you are processing the potential of become parents, thinking about how you might ruin this child's life somehow, you are asked a bunch of really hard questions.

Some weren't so hard-- do you want a boy or a girl?  We chose either, because if we were blessed with a pregnancy God wouldn't let us choose then so we thought we would let Him handle it.  Would you take twins?  Same answer for us.

Which races are you willing to adopt?  Caucasian, Asian, African, Native American, Pacific Islander, Hispanic, a combination?  We chose all of them.

Consider for a moment if you discovered you were expecting a child.  You would probably know the race of the child before they were born.  As silly as it sounds, it was kind of exciting to not know for us.

Keep considering, however as you contemplate these next questions.  These questions were harder for us to answer because under other circumstances we would never have had to consider these.

How much tobacco use during pregnancy are you willing to accept?
Marijuana?
Alcohol?
Cocaine?
Meth?
Other drugs?

What about
Bi polar disorder?
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

If I had become pregnant, we wouldn't have had to consider any of these things.  After a lot of research, prayer and crying, we found that, for ourselves, there were a few things we just weren't ready to handle.  When you so desperately want to become parents and know that every child needs love, it's hard to say a hard "no" to any circumstance, but we realized that we needed to know our own limitations and what we felt capable of handling.  Every person is different, every circumstance is different.  Every birth is different.

And last but certainly not least, the big question of openness.  How much are you comfortable building a relationship with a stranger?  It was an easy one for us... very comfortable, because she first felt comfortable giving us her child to raise.  However, if I'm being completely honest and transparent, if Josiah's birth mother were to live closer, I'm not sure how I would handle regular visits and if I would have feelings of jealousy or stress.  I would hope I wouldn't, but you never know.

So there are some things to think about before you dive in.  The more open you are, the more birth mothers you are shown to, meaning a higher chance of being chosen.  However,  you have to know your limits-- and don't feel bad about them. Each child, each family have unique circumstances and needs that need to be met.