In My Own Hands

When something isn't available to me, I tend to take matters into my own hands.  I am the kind of person who, given the opportunity, does something instead of waiting for someone else to do it.  This isn't always the best quality to have, it feeds into my impatience and can lead to me diving into something when I should have taken a step back first.

However, there have been some successes in my desire to have certain things in my life.  A jazz band was born because I wanted to play with other musicians.  So was a quintet.  When I couldn't find a decent arrangement of a Christmas oboe and bassoon duet, I wrote one.  

When I couldn't find fresh ground peanut butter locally (after falling in love at a Whole Foods in Boulder), I bought my own peanuts and made my own. 

When I didn't like the streaks my floor cleaner made on my floor, I made my own.

When I decided that Febreez wasn't something I wanted in my house, I made my own "fresh smelling spray".

When I really wanted stuffed pasta but there wasn't any gluten free options, I made my own.

When the only dairy free yogurt in town kept selling out and wasn't reliably available, I started making my own.  

There have also been the failures.  The getting things done before they were ready, or focusing on something I had no control over type of failures.  Writing a song when I was in high school and trying to push it to be published before I graduated from high school, and the painful rejection letter that followed.  The time I threw away something in the kitchen I never used but Jim did.  The many times I've pulled bread or cakes out of the oven before they were done or cutting them before they were cool enough.
All of the stupid, ridiculous things I did that would supposedly help me get pregnant.

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So when it seemed like we may never adopt another child again, I took our agencies "advice" to make a Facebook page because the "I'll do this myself" part of my mind took over.  I fill it with the best pictures of our family, small facts that might spark any interest, and awkward videos.  I pray over the site, we share it with friends and family, we even put advertising money towards it.
I didn't want to.  I didn't want to advertise ourselves.  It feels uncomfortable.  But I've only wanted three things in my life as much as this-- to know I was saved, to marry Jim and to have our precious Josiah.  I felt like I couldn't NOT do something. 

In the end, I might feel like I'm taking matters into my own hands but I know better.  I know who is in control and it certainly isn't me.  And while sometimes His timing makes no sense to me, I have to trust that what His word says is true, that He has plans for me.

I don't know if taking matters into my own hands by making the Facebook page was a rushed decision that won't get good results, or if it's an awesome opportunity to make the right contact.  Only time (and hopefully less of it) will tell.  With the world continuing to go around, both the good and the band, I feel like I'm standing still.  I have no other choice but to acknowledge I have no control over the situation.  It's hard to have no say in something you so desperately want. 



In the meantime, however, if you haven't liked our page, here is the link .  Please feel free to like, comment (supposedly lots of comments looks good, so say the adoption experts at our agency who have asked us to do this), and share if you feel so inclined.  I don't want to ask, I don't want to be a burden on others anymore than I already am, but I do know God works in the little things, and maybe it's a comment that catches the eye of the right person, or a share or a like.  Or maybe this page will just be another something to keep me occupied while we wait for a son or daughter, a sibling and friend.