For the past couple of weeks I have been in the longest running text message conversation of my life and it has been with a person I have never met before. S, as she will be called on the blog (has nothing to do with her name), the mother of my potential son, and I have been getting to know each other through a series of text messages and short phone calls.
At first, the thought of open adoption was scary because each situation is as unique as the people involved and it leaves a lot unknown until it happens. It's scary because I am tying myself to a person I have no knowledge of for the rest of my life. It's scary because my child will grow up not only knowing I'm not his only mother, but actually knowing the other woman to some degree. It's scary because, even if it's minimally, she can see how I am parenting our child. It's scary because it is something I've never done before.
It was scary but we decided to move forward right away because the experts tell us, and we could see their reasoning, that open adoption helps your child. Open communication gets you answers, gets you medical information, potentially gets you closure. Open communication could mean less feelings of abandonment, could mean less questioning about identity, less pain in the healing. We know that even in a perfect situation, our child won't be guaranteed a perfect little life where being adopted doesn't bother him ever. But, like all parents, we want our child to have as little pain as possible and to grow up healthy, reasonably happy and good people. And even if it's awkward, even if it's scary, even if it's really hard sometimes, we're willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. If that means sharing the title of "mother" with someone my child knows by name, I'm willing to do that for him. Because, I think by definition, the title "mother" means that this decision should be all about him.
We didn't know what our open adoption situation would look like and honestly, we still don't. As of right now, it is going quite well. S and I have discussed the schooling of our son, some of her hobbies and interests, some of mine and planned a trip to visit her before the birth over a weekend in December. The best short conversation we had was naming our son together-- she loved our first name and we asked her to pick out the middle name (which we also loved).
When we meet in December, more pieces will be put in place. I will finally see the face that I will someday recognize pieces of when I look at my son. I will see her pregnant belly, see the area she lives, see her mannerisms.
It might seem strange to those outside of the adoption realm that I am having regular conversations with S. It might seem like it would be awkward or scary or strange. It really hasn't been thus far.
You see, S is a person. Just like me. She deals with dramas that perhaps I don't have to and she has made choices that perhaps I wouldn't have made. She has made a decision I couldn't make, but she has made it for very good reasons. But I am a sinner, and she is a sinner. She has good qualities, and I have good qualities. Our relationship, just like every other relationship on the planet, will ebb and flow as time goes on. As we build trust and interest in each other it will grow and it may fade with time. Unlike other relationships, we have one huge connection that is both the greatest joy and the greatest tragedy-- the joy of a son and the tragedy of his departure from her life. She may need to step away for a time to heal from this. She may need to be in more contact to see her decision was right. Her life may go exceedingly well (as we would wish and pray for her), or she may have struggles. We may disagree on something in the future that causes conflict.
But here we are and I am committed to doing, at a minimum, what we have agreed in pictures, emails and contact. I would love to get to know S very well, and that she would be open to a relationship with the son we will be connected by. I pray that I will be able to be wise in my communication with her, as sometimes it can be a bit of a gray area as to what I should and should not say. There are certain areas of her life that we've been advised not to discuss that I would love to know more about. There are certain things I would love for her to ask us about but don't want to put pressure on her if she doesn't want to know the answers. I pray that I will have enough confidence in my "mommyness" that I won't become frightened by her presence. I pray that this will be a positive part of our son's life.
And I pray every day for S, for her safety, her health and her peace, no matter her decision. But most importantly, I pray multiple times a day for that little boy, that he will grow up to be a good and Godly man, no matter who raises him.
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