Pretty much everyone I have seen in the past week has the same tentative question.
"...So... how did it go this weekend?"
and pretty much every time I've responded with the same tentative answer.
"...As good as it could have gone?"
So instead of leaving everyone who isn't comfortable asking questions about our weekend without answers, here is what I can tell you. We went to Michigan to spend time with Josiah's birth mother and some of his biological family (she also happens to be the birth mother to our potential second son, due in September).
Josiah, as usual, charmed everyone we were in contact with. We spent about 4 hours both Friday and Saturday with his family. There wasn't any awkwardness, at least that we could tell, from any parties. They commented on how he looks like her, mentioned how well behaved and soft spoken he was, and he called them each by name. I didn't feel awkward to be around her and she seemed pleased to see us.
So, as a visit of this nature would go, it went very smoothly.
However, as a visit of a potential adoption situation, it was scary and uncomfortable. We met with lawyers for her and for us and of course one had to point out that she had dealt with situations where birth mothers changed their mind the second time even though she had chosen the same family. Thanks, lady.
As is always the case, there were things that simply made us (read:me) feel uncertain and concerned about the future. I want to believe that this is coming true but the back of my mind, the pit of my stomach and somewhere in my heart are holding out on excitement and instead filled with lead. If this goes well (and I say this not as a hopeful adoptive parent thinking "well" means I get a child at the end of the day, I say this as someone who knows the situation and knows that it will be better for the baby and his brother), it will be an amazing dream come true. If this doesn't go well, we will not only face a more difficult relationship with our son's mother moving forward (one that regardless, I will still maintain, at least at a basic level, for the sake of my son) it will also put a temporary or permanent hold on our dreams to adopt again... we don't get money back that we are paying to lawyers or for living expenses. With this money leaving and not enough coming in, it will be a while before our savings is up to par again. And to be blunt... I don't think I can be in this season much longer, so that would probably mean we are done.
So. It went as well as it could have. I was happy to see her. I got to touch the belly that holds my potential future son. We even discussed names with her. I'm glad she got to see him and I'm glad Josiah will have pictures of this weekend to remember it by.
But prayers, as usual, are always appreciated. That this adoption decision is legitimate and that she is dedicated to it. That we know the words to say to encourage her and love her despite my fears.
*******
Speaking of my fears, over Easter break, my sister-in-law, Lezlie, handed me a book she recommend I read. She said she thought of me a lot when she was reading it. I read it in one Josiah nap time because it was SO. GOOD.
The Lucky Few by Heather Avis.
Heather and her husband go through their infertility journey and land on adoption. As they are waiting they are given the opportunity to adopt a child with Down Syndrome. Throughout the course of the book and of their lives, they adopt three children in total, two with Down Syndrome-- not something she had initially signed on for.
We were already pretty open in our preferences adoption-wise but after I read this book, we called and made ourselves "wide open"--allowing for drugs we had held off on. It was only a couple of weeks later that Josiah's birth mother called. I was so moved by Heather's faith that God was good and in control. I also felt a twinge of recognition when she spoke about trying to funnel God's power through her filter.
If you are at all interested in what infertility, adoption, or having a child with Down Syndrome can feel like in the beginning, I highly recommend this book. It does tie everything up in a nice bow towards the end that I wish she hadn't but at least the first little while, it seems to detail well. As my sister-in-law would probably agree, she didn't dive too much into Down Syndrome and only touched on the first few things to worry about and didn't really continue into the daily struggles with health for children with weakened immune systems. In the same way, she didn't really go into the things that we will have to deal with as our adopted children get older, such as identity and keeping up with birth family.
In any case, I thought it was a great read and I highly recommend it.
I bring it up in this particular post more for my own sake than anything else. I am needed to be reminded constantly, almost minute by minute that God is both good and in control. There are times when I know God is good, but I worry about what He's going to do. And worse, when I know He's going to move but I don't necessarily believe He is good.
God is both good and in control. No matter what happens in the coming months, this is true. If Josiah ends up an only child, this is no less true than if he becomes a brother.
God is good. Even when I'm not.
God is in control. All the time.
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