In the past few weeks, I have had a few people, without any conscious prompting on my part, admit that they weren't really sure what to say to Jim and I as we go through the waiting stage of the adoption process. I understand, as I have experienced the lack of words myself when witnessing someone else go through something difficult.
Empathy is hard. Expressing empathy is even harder. It goes against what we would do naturally. Empathy is experiencing things vicariously through someone else, usually related to something unpleasant. Empathy is feeling what a person is feeling. It's having a pain you don't want that has nothing to do with you.
I don't claim to be an empathy master. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty awful at it at times. I am also pretty bad at receiving empathy sometimes, too. Since the subject has come up within our situation, as well as a few things I've witnessed in others lives recently and in a Bible study message, I thought maybe I would share a bit about maybe how we can express empathy in a way that is respectful and loving.
First, there are some things we probably shouldn't do but tend to be the natural reaction most of us have. Personally, I tend to want to make someone feel better as quickly as possible, so my natural reaction to someone's troubles is try to tell a joke or lighten the mood. However, that isn't always what people need, and neither are the following.
1. Don't give advice, provide solutions or try to fix the problem. Unless you know the person really well and know what they are seeking. If you have a personal story or advice you think will rock that person's world, think about it and then ask if they are wanting any advice. Often times, people just want encouragement.
2. Don't use cliches or common sayings. I don't know how many times I was told if I just stopped trying to have a baby we would get pregnant. This was not helpful, encouraging, and in the end, wasn't even true. There are a lot of examples of things we just say automatically that aren't helpful. Sometimes they might even seem helpful initially, but they are just empty words that make us feel as though we have done our duty in comforting someone without actually getting our hands dirty.
This one is going to make me sound like a terrible Christian...
3. God doesn't have to be mentioned to be present. As a believer, I know that God is with me, He is hearing me, that He is in control and cares about me. Hearing it in a chipper voice when my faith is hanging on by a thread, however, isn't always helpful and can come across as fake or pushy. While I'm not saying you should never mention God while people are struggling, I think sometimes letting your actions speak can build your relationships better and ultimately glorify Him more.
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There have been times in the past couple of years when all I needed was someone to empathize with me in very simple ways. I truly believe that empathy takes a lot of bravery, but doesn't take a lot of work. I'm sure other people have different needs than me, but these things have been the most encouraging things I have received when I needed someone to care and I have never been yelled at for attempting these when I needed to empathize with someone else.
1. Do initiate. The worst part about knowing someone is going through something is sometimes that we just don't know what to say, so we don't say it. But the silence can so easily come across as lack of caring to the other person. I don't think it's necessary to talk about the situation, whatever it is, all the time. Just a card, a call, an email, a gesture that lets the person know they are on your mind can do a lot when they are feeling all alone.
2. Do ask questions. Start with "how are you?" and listen to the answer. Ask clarifying questions. Not "have you tried...?", which is more of an offering of advice than seeking information. Try to understand the situation they are in better. Having more information may help you feel what they are feeling better and therefore help you know how to proceed or what else to say. If they aren't willing to share, the worst they can do is not answer and that's okay. You didn't do anything to offend them by asking.
The sweetest question we had asked was a simple "is there anything concrete I can do to help?". For our situation, the answer is no, because it is up to a birthmother to decide and ultimately God to arrange a situation that is best for the baby. It was still a really sweet thing to ask and made us feel as though someone truly cared.
3. Do keep it simple and express your solidarity. I'm sorry this is happening. I hurt for you. I feel for you. I'm here for you. These are the comments that never offend anyone and say a lot about you. To me, it says you are willing to go through this with me, even to a small extent, and that makes me feel like I'm not the only one.
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Empathy is the action we should take when someone is struggling. However, as always, there are two sides to every coin. When we receive empathy, we should know how. I know that through this situation I have learned that I was lacking in empathy both in giving and receiving and I want to become better at both to be a better representation of what I believe in Christ.
Receiving empathy can be hard because people misunderstand what is happening, have preconceived notions, react in ways that are unintentionally offensive or sometimes it's simply that we don't know how to react to their empathy.
1. Understand the misunderstandings. Even people who have been through very similar circumstances didn't go through the exact same thing as you. They won't know your "sore spots". Sometimes, people speak from a place of ignorance without realizing their words can be damaging. Not a lot of people know about the adoption process fully, or about depression, or about losing a family member. I don't see a problem with correcting the misunderstandings. If the person means well, give them some grace and understanding that they aren't an expert on your situation or your feelings.
2.Speak up. If someone does say something that is inadvertently hurtful, you can tell them you would prefer not to hear that, or you can defend your position. If someone asks if they can help and there is way, tell them what it is. If someone is trying to be there for you and you feel comfortable with them, be as open as is appropriate.
3. Your pain doesn't negate others problems. Other people still need my empathy every day. Even on the days when I feel like crawling under a rock, other people still exist. Circumstances shouldn't dictate your kindness, gentleness, goodness, self-control or love. The benefits of this are numerous. First, it is easy when in a struggle to feel as though you don't matter-- nothing makes you see your value more than helping another person. Second, those people are getting the love they need in their situation. Third, you strengthen these traits when you practice them while it's hard to.
I'm going to continue to work on empathy in my own life in both giving and receiving. I hope someday we will be able to teach it to a kid or two, too. Because I believe empathy is one of the best ways to build strong relationships. Coming along someone in their time of need is difficult but rewarding for everyone involved.
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Saturday, October 17, 2015
The Stockpile
When Jim and I started the adoption process, we did the best we could to return to what I like to call the "college budget". When we were first married and Jim was a full time student, I worked two part time jobs, sometimes three. I wasn't making a lot, so we lived with very little income. We stuck to a strict budget. We lived mostly off of ramen noodles, mac and cheese and boxed meals, but we lived comfortably in our tiny apartment and didn't complain that we couldn't afford to eat out.
The budget got a little squishier when Jim graduated and we started living on a regular income. Of course, expenses also increased. A mortgage that didn't include utilities like our rent payment made living a little more expensive, as did my interest in health and our acquiring three dogs.
However, we have done a lot of cutting since we saw the price tag on adoption. From renegotiating my cell phone bill, going to a new internet provider, to returning to a more strict grocery and date night budget (though I admit, they are both higher than they used to be! Especially groceries... mac and cheese and ramen noodles are really cheap but not exactly the healthiest option).
One thing that was added to the budget, though, was the stockpile item.
Every month, we buy a baby item.
After scouring the internet and reading plenty of "what you need for baby" lists, I made a list of my own. I know that once there are children in our home I will realize my list was off in one way or another, but I think I have the basics covered.
I walk through the clearance aisle of Wal*Mart if I'm there, or use a coupon at the local drug store, or buy things when they are on sale, but every month I check something off of the baby stuff list. Small, essential items like bottles, swaddling blankets, onesies, towels. Just one or two a month to add to the pile so when we get "the call", we won't have to spend the first 24 hours of having a baby in the baby aisle trying to buy all the stuff we need.
Some sweet people in my life have added some things to our little stockpile. My best friend sent us gender neutral onesies early on in the process. My mom bought cloth diapers when she saw some on sale. My sister-in-law dropped off a few items her son is no longer using.
Admittedly, I didn't think we would have the time to collect so many items. Maybe it's just me, but as a potential adoptive parent couple, I thought Jim and I were going to be picked "quickly". I mean, our profile represents the best of us-- we are a kind of cute, athletic, musical, smart (well, Jim is smart), animal loving couple in a small, supportive community. I thought certainly someone would snatch us right up.
Obviously, the woman who is meant to find us completely adorable hasn't seen our profile yet. We know that it's all in God's timing so we try to keep looking forward. I look at this pile with a mix of impatience, hope for the future, sadness for the current circumstances... and a bit of satisfaction in being somewhat prepared (I am a planner, and knowing that I have everything my baby will need the first couple weeks except formula and a car seat has me feeling a little more at ease. Because, you know, having burp clothes means I will totally know what to do with a newborn, right?).
In any case, our guest bedroom currently looks like that of expectant parents. A lot of cute little pastel colored things I hope to get to use one day. A lot of hope.
The budget got a little squishier when Jim graduated and we started living on a regular income. Of course, expenses also increased. A mortgage that didn't include utilities like our rent payment made living a little more expensive, as did my interest in health and our acquiring three dogs.
However, we have done a lot of cutting since we saw the price tag on adoption. From renegotiating my cell phone bill, going to a new internet provider, to returning to a more strict grocery and date night budget (though I admit, they are both higher than they used to be! Especially groceries... mac and cheese and ramen noodles are really cheap but not exactly the healthiest option).
One thing that was added to the budget, though, was the stockpile item.
Every month, we buy a baby item.
After scouring the internet and reading plenty of "what you need for baby" lists, I made a list of my own. I know that once there are children in our home I will realize my list was off in one way or another, but I think I have the basics covered.
I walk through the clearance aisle of Wal*Mart if I'm there, or use a coupon at the local drug store, or buy things when they are on sale, but every month I check something off of the baby stuff list. Small, essential items like bottles, swaddling blankets, onesies, towels. Just one or two a month to add to the pile so when we get "the call", we won't have to spend the first 24 hours of having a baby in the baby aisle trying to buy all the stuff we need.
Some sweet people in my life have added some things to our little stockpile. My best friend sent us gender neutral onesies early on in the process. My mom bought cloth diapers when she saw some on sale. My sister-in-law dropped off a few items her son is no longer using.
Obviously, the woman who is meant to find us completely adorable hasn't seen our profile yet. We know that it's all in God's timing so we try to keep looking forward. I look at this pile with a mix of impatience, hope for the future, sadness for the current circumstances... and a bit of satisfaction in being somewhat prepared (I am a planner, and knowing that I have everything my baby will need the first couple weeks except formula and a car seat has me feeling a little more at ease. Because, you know, having burp clothes means I will totally know what to do with a newborn, right?).
In any case, our guest bedroom currently looks like that of expectant parents. A lot of cute little pastel colored things I hope to get to use one day. A lot of hope.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Give Me A Break, Give Me A Break...
... break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!
Actually, don't. I don't eat kit kat bars anymore, though they were a favorite of mine growing up.
That, my friends, is what you'd call a random introduction.
I say my friends because I'm sharing this on my Facebook page, a page designed for friends specifically. And as awkward as it feels to do this, I'm posting this on my Facebook page to let you know that I won't be visiting my Facebook page as often for a while.
On Sunday night, I deleted Facebook from my phone. The account is still here, I plan on checking it every now and again, because I'm in charge of a couple of other pages and want to make sure I keep up with those.
Normally a Facebook or social media hiatus doesn't need to be announced, I've been on many since joining bebo years ago (I think that was the name... it was the not-so-cool myspace that no one knew about but me and a few church ladies). However, I figured people might wonder why I'm not around "liking" things anymore and didn't want them to take offense.
I am taking a break for a few reasons. First, it was becoming somewhat of an addiction in my life. I could get to the app on my phone with eyes closed and I would check it multiple times a day-- sometimes out of curiosity but sometimes out of habit. I don't like having something become second nature without taking some time to decide if it's really worth it in my daily routine. I want to make sure it doesn't become something I just "need".
Second, I am being a terrible Facebook page manager for our church and the arts council and if I don't just go on Facebook every day it will be more intentional, which I'm hoping will spur me on to being a better steward of the pages that have been assigned to me.
Third, and this one is tricky to talk about and a little touchy feely, is sometimes there is too much happy on Facebook for me to handle.
See, I have a finely tuned news feed. I have an exceptional group of people in my friends list and I have done some tweaking so that memes are at a minimum and my feed is simply a pleasant online experience. My friends are witty, intelligent, positive, kind. I like "surrounding" myself with them while online. You all are like a warm blanket.
I love my friends. I love their kids. I love reading pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, good news, cute quotes from kids and anything that moves peoples lives forward. I am filled with joy for the good stories I get to see in lives I wouldn't normally get a chance to be a part of (take my cousin in Australia, for example. I can't exactly just walk down the street and say hi, but I can congratulate her on her recent victories as a body builder).
But these sweet things that are shared can, by no fault of my friends, feel like sugar coated daggers.
I will never get to share a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. How stupid that after accepting that I will never experience a pregnancy, the fact that I don't get to hold a beach ball to my tummy or hold up a preggo can or write a question mark on my belly is what makes me sad.
And while I watch the tummies of my pregnant friends grow on their timelines, I am reminded that my son or daughter and I will never experience that extra nine months of bonding time together. What this means for my baby and for the woman that gets to do that bonding breaks my heart.
I see peoples lives moving forward as they should-- sharing vacation photos, celebrating birthdays, moving up in their careers. For the past 10 months my answer to "what's new?" has been "still just waiting".
Listen. I am doing my best not to complain. It sucks to wait. I was raised as basically an only child and a spoiled one at that. I'm used to getting my way in a decent time frame. I get that this process takes time... sometimes a lot of time. I get that there will be slip ups and decisions made out of my control that will make it seem even longer. I'm trying to see this as a temporary thing that will eventually lead to the right circumstances for our children. I can usually conquer this impatience and jealousy for the sake of loving my friends and celebrating in their lives.
But sometimes 3 pregnancy announcements, a birth and pictures of kids are all I see on my news feed. And sometimes, it's not a pleasant place for me to be anymore.
So I'm taking a break. Keep sharing all of your awesome life stuffs, because I totally expect some likes and what not when I post stuff of my kids (I may be the kind of mom who posts finger painting art on her wall, so you may have to stretch the truth a bit).
For now, know that if I haven't liked something in a while it isn't because I don't like it in real life. I still think you are awesome. I'm just working on me being better at handling your awesomeness :).
Actually, don't. I don't eat kit kat bars anymore, though they were a favorite of mine growing up.
That, my friends, is what you'd call a random introduction.
I say my friends because I'm sharing this on my Facebook page, a page designed for friends specifically. And as awkward as it feels to do this, I'm posting this on my Facebook page to let you know that I won't be visiting my Facebook page as often for a while.
On Sunday night, I deleted Facebook from my phone. The account is still here, I plan on checking it every now and again, because I'm in charge of a couple of other pages and want to make sure I keep up with those.
Normally a Facebook or social media hiatus doesn't need to be announced, I've been on many since joining bebo years ago (I think that was the name... it was the not-so-cool myspace that no one knew about but me and a few church ladies). However, I figured people might wonder why I'm not around "liking" things anymore and didn't want them to take offense.
I am taking a break for a few reasons. First, it was becoming somewhat of an addiction in my life. I could get to the app on my phone with eyes closed and I would check it multiple times a day-- sometimes out of curiosity but sometimes out of habit. I don't like having something become second nature without taking some time to decide if it's really worth it in my daily routine. I want to make sure it doesn't become something I just "need".
Second, I am being a terrible Facebook page manager for our church and the arts council and if I don't just go on Facebook every day it will be more intentional, which I'm hoping will spur me on to being a better steward of the pages that have been assigned to me.
Third, and this one is tricky to talk about and a little touchy feely, is sometimes there is too much happy on Facebook for me to handle.
See, I have a finely tuned news feed. I have an exceptional group of people in my friends list and I have done some tweaking so that memes are at a minimum and my feed is simply a pleasant online experience. My friends are witty, intelligent, positive, kind. I like "surrounding" myself with them while online. You all are like a warm blanket.
I love my friends. I love their kids. I love reading pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, good news, cute quotes from kids and anything that moves peoples lives forward. I am filled with joy for the good stories I get to see in lives I wouldn't normally get a chance to be a part of (take my cousin in Australia, for example. I can't exactly just walk down the street and say hi, but I can congratulate her on her recent victories as a body builder).
But these sweet things that are shared can, by no fault of my friends, feel like sugar coated daggers.
I will never get to share a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. How stupid that after accepting that I will never experience a pregnancy, the fact that I don't get to hold a beach ball to my tummy or hold up a preggo can or write a question mark on my belly is what makes me sad.
And while I watch the tummies of my pregnant friends grow on their timelines, I am reminded that my son or daughter and I will never experience that extra nine months of bonding time together. What this means for my baby and for the woman that gets to do that bonding breaks my heart.
I see peoples lives moving forward as they should-- sharing vacation photos, celebrating birthdays, moving up in their careers. For the past 10 months my answer to "what's new?" has been "still just waiting".
Listen. I am doing my best not to complain. It sucks to wait. I was raised as basically an only child and a spoiled one at that. I'm used to getting my way in a decent time frame. I get that this process takes time... sometimes a lot of time. I get that there will be slip ups and decisions made out of my control that will make it seem even longer. I'm trying to see this as a temporary thing that will eventually lead to the right circumstances for our children. I can usually conquer this impatience and jealousy for the sake of loving my friends and celebrating in their lives.
But sometimes 3 pregnancy announcements, a birth and pictures of kids are all I see on my news feed. And sometimes, it's not a pleasant place for me to be anymore.
So I'm taking a break. Keep sharing all of your awesome life stuffs, because I totally expect some likes and what not when I post stuff of my kids (I may be the kind of mom who posts finger painting art on her wall, so you may have to stretch the truth a bit).
For now, know that if I haven't liked something in a while it isn't because I don't like it in real life. I still think you are awesome. I'm just working on me being better at handling your awesomeness :).
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Our Adoption Process Q & A
Until someone is directly involved, there is a lot of adoption information that just isn't public knowledge. Combine that with the fact that every adoption is as unique as the people involved and we have a lot of misinformation, questions and concerns.
As it has been almost a year since we announced to friends and family that we were pursuing an adoption, the initial excitement has worn off and we are currently experiencing a second wind in questioning after a few months of silence. I just wanted to take this opportunity to answer a few of the "frequently asked questions" regarding our specific situation.
1. Where are you in the process/ any news/ why don't you have a baby yet?
We are waiting for a birth mother or birth family to choose our profile as the best match to raise the child they bring into the world. It's all up to the birth mother at this point until her parental rights are signed over. So, our only news is our home study will need to be renewed in a couple of months and we are being shown to an "adequate" number of birth mothers. We don't have a baby yet because no one has chosen us yet.
2. Why aren't you traveling or visiting family?
Surprisingly, we get comments or questions regarding our travel a lot.
I have two answers.
First, travel is expensive. We have had some people sacrifice for us for our adoption fund. To respect their donations and to exercise responsibility, we have cut out frivolous spending and stick to a strict budget. To add to this point, we are also still below where we need to be to pay for everything adoption related by a few thousand dollars, so we are still in save mode.
Second, we are with a national agency, which means if we are called out of state (most likely) to pick up our baby, we have to wait for the paperwork and red tape to clear before we can go home, which is two weeks or longer. While I would be on maternity leave, Jim would have to return to work. He does not want to leave his wife and newborn baby in a hotel room in an unknown town because he doesn't have enough vacation time.
3. Don't you want to try longer for biological children / did you jump in to adoption too quickly?
No. Maybe it doesn't seem like this, but we are the kind of people who consider all of our options before making a decision, put a lot of thought and prayer into it and when it is made it is final. If we are ever blessed with more children biologically, we would gladly accept them (yes, even if I get pregnant when we become parents through adoption), because I would rather have multiple kids of a close age than none at all.
4. Isn't it awful that you have to jump through hoops to become an adoptive parent?
No. It wasn't that bad. It's a lot to get done and other people can just get pregnant without anyone judging their parenting abilities but another family is about to entrust us with a precious human life. I would want to make sure I was a good person to do that to, too. The "system" has it's flaws, but adoption isn't an easy thing for anyone involved and I don't mind hoop jumping. To me, it's like diaper changing and bottle warming-- things I have to do for my baby that might not be "fun", but essential.
5. Have you looked at international adoption / foster adoption / this other agency?
Yes. See the answer to number 3. A lot of thought went into which type of adoption path we were going to go down. While an agency assisted infant adoption is one of the more expensive options, it was one we felt comfortable pursuing. Every path to and through adoption is different and this is the one we are on and we are united in our decision.
6. What people haven't asked.
If you have questions-- please ask. It shows that you care, which is always important to anyone going through something different or difficult. So please ask questions, we will always say so if it is too personal.
It's rare that people ask how we are feeling in the adoption process. Maybe I over share so no one needs to ask, but here is the answer, in case anyone was wondering. We're mostly okay. We have hard days. I wish I could say that I always have a peace beyond understanding but I don't. I have days that it hurts or something happens that makes me sad.
Yes, when baby comes home, I plan on having a "meet and eat", so you will get to meet our precious little one when the time comes.
Yes, I have a dog and house sitter for when we get "the call".
If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask!
As it has been almost a year since we announced to friends and family that we were pursuing an adoption, the initial excitement has worn off and we are currently experiencing a second wind in questioning after a few months of silence. I just wanted to take this opportunity to answer a few of the "frequently asked questions" regarding our specific situation.
1. Where are you in the process/ any news/ why don't you have a baby yet?
We are waiting for a birth mother or birth family to choose our profile as the best match to raise the child they bring into the world. It's all up to the birth mother at this point until her parental rights are signed over. So, our only news is our home study will need to be renewed in a couple of months and we are being shown to an "adequate" number of birth mothers. We don't have a baby yet because no one has chosen us yet.
2. Why aren't you traveling or visiting family?
Surprisingly, we get comments or questions regarding our travel a lot.
I have two answers.
First, travel is expensive. We have had some people sacrifice for us for our adoption fund. To respect their donations and to exercise responsibility, we have cut out frivolous spending and stick to a strict budget. To add to this point, we are also still below where we need to be to pay for everything adoption related by a few thousand dollars, so we are still in save mode.
Second, we are with a national agency, which means if we are called out of state (most likely) to pick up our baby, we have to wait for the paperwork and red tape to clear before we can go home, which is two weeks or longer. While I would be on maternity leave, Jim would have to return to work. He does not want to leave his wife and newborn baby in a hotel room in an unknown town because he doesn't have enough vacation time.
3. Don't you want to try longer for biological children / did you jump in to adoption too quickly?
No. Maybe it doesn't seem like this, but we are the kind of people who consider all of our options before making a decision, put a lot of thought and prayer into it and when it is made it is final. If we are ever blessed with more children biologically, we would gladly accept them (yes, even if I get pregnant when we become parents through adoption), because I would rather have multiple kids of a close age than none at all.
4. Isn't it awful that you have to jump through hoops to become an adoptive parent?
No. It wasn't that bad. It's a lot to get done and other people can just get pregnant without anyone judging their parenting abilities but another family is about to entrust us with a precious human life. I would want to make sure I was a good person to do that to, too. The "system" has it's flaws, but adoption isn't an easy thing for anyone involved and I don't mind hoop jumping. To me, it's like diaper changing and bottle warming-- things I have to do for my baby that might not be "fun", but essential.
5. Have you looked at international adoption / foster adoption / this other agency?
Yes. See the answer to number 3. A lot of thought went into which type of adoption path we were going to go down. While an agency assisted infant adoption is one of the more expensive options, it was one we felt comfortable pursuing. Every path to and through adoption is different and this is the one we are on and we are united in our decision.
6. What people haven't asked.
If you have questions-- please ask. It shows that you care, which is always important to anyone going through something different or difficult. So please ask questions, we will always say so if it is too personal.
It's rare that people ask how we are feeling in the adoption process. Maybe I over share so no one needs to ask, but here is the answer, in case anyone was wondering. We're mostly okay. We have hard days. I wish I could say that I always have a peace beyond understanding but I don't. I have days that it hurts or something happens that makes me sad.
Yes, when baby comes home, I plan on having a "meet and eat", so you will get to meet our precious little one when the time comes.
Yes, I have a dog and house sitter for when we get "the call".
If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask!
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Rejection
The great thing about being a potential adoptive family with a national agency is the exposure we are given. Throughout the US, potential birth mothers can look at the profile of a quiet couple from Western Nebraska, which means that monthly we are being shown to a dozen or more women who have a hard choice to make but who could maybe choose us to be the parents of their unborn child.
The horrible thing about being a potential adoptive family with a national agency is the exposure we are given. Throughout the US, potential birth mothers can look at our profile, meaning a dozen or more women every month since we became active have chosen someone else.
We knew going in that adoption is tricky and requires patience, and we have prayed multiple times a day that the right situation come into our lives, the situation that will be best for our future son or daughter, even if it means we have to wait forever, even if it means we end up in a situation we weren't expecting. We knew that women considering adoptions are given a pile of profiles to sift through and there are a lot of factors that go into her decision.
But it doesn't matter how much we knew or how much we continue to learn. Rejection hurts.
In mid-August a little girl was born somewhere in Nebraska and she went home with another family. Through a series of events we found out we were one of just a couple of choices her biological mother had narrowed it down to. She chose them. She didn't choose us. That little girl is in a family that will love her dearly, and I hope she grows up to become a lovely woman with a beautiful life. But on her due date, I realized I could've been her mother that day if things had gone differently.
Rejection comes in all shapes and sizes but it all feels about the same. I found out recently that I wasn't as important to some people as they were to me and it hurt in the same place. It felt the same when the publishing companies told me they weren't interested in my music.
We go way back, rejection and I. It happens when you wear bright red overalls to school because you think they are cool... but they aren't.
But I don't like to feel like a victim and blame the world when I'm rejected, because I find no one really cares how much you point the finger outward. Trying to find a place for the blame isn't making the problem itself go away.
Rejection hurts because it hits my pride. I thought we were a cute, fun loving couple that any woman considering adoption would fall in love with. I was convinced I was important to someone when I wasn't. I thought my music was good enough to publish so I sent it in.
But we aren't, I wasn't, it wasn't. And when one thing feels like it isn't good enough, it spreads like a disease, until suddenly I don't feel good enough. How easy it is to fall into a self-made pit when you feel less than good enough.
Fact is, I am not always going to be good enough. But, I have a deep and unmoving worth. I am a person whose life has value. The good Sunday School student answer is that I was created in God's image and therefore have worth. That I am not good enough but by grace through faith I get to be His anyway. But it goes beyond that, too. The rejections I face today aren't my whole story. Our profile has to be rejected just enough times for the right situation to fall into place. I have to be rejected by people important to me to notice who doesn't, to remember not to do it to others.
Rejection hurts but pain almost always goes away with time.
And in the meantime, I have three dogs. Which is the definition of complete and total acceptance and devotion at all times. Even as I write this, with all three snoring at my feet.
The horrible thing about being a potential adoptive family with a national agency is the exposure we are given. Throughout the US, potential birth mothers can look at our profile, meaning a dozen or more women every month since we became active have chosen someone else.
We knew going in that adoption is tricky and requires patience, and we have prayed multiple times a day that the right situation come into our lives, the situation that will be best for our future son or daughter, even if it means we have to wait forever, even if it means we end up in a situation we weren't expecting. We knew that women considering adoptions are given a pile of profiles to sift through and there are a lot of factors that go into her decision.
But it doesn't matter how much we knew or how much we continue to learn. Rejection hurts.
In mid-August a little girl was born somewhere in Nebraska and she went home with another family. Through a series of events we found out we were one of just a couple of choices her biological mother had narrowed it down to. She chose them. She didn't choose us. That little girl is in a family that will love her dearly, and I hope she grows up to become a lovely woman with a beautiful life. But on her due date, I realized I could've been her mother that day if things had gone differently.
Rejection comes in all shapes and sizes but it all feels about the same. I found out recently that I wasn't as important to some people as they were to me and it hurt in the same place. It felt the same when the publishing companies told me they weren't interested in my music.
We go way back, rejection and I. It happens when you wear bright red overalls to school because you think they are cool... but they aren't.
But I don't like to feel like a victim and blame the world when I'm rejected, because I find no one really cares how much you point the finger outward. Trying to find a place for the blame isn't making the problem itself go away.
Rejection hurts because it hits my pride. I thought we were a cute, fun loving couple that any woman considering adoption would fall in love with. I was convinced I was important to someone when I wasn't. I thought my music was good enough to publish so I sent it in.
But we aren't, I wasn't, it wasn't. And when one thing feels like it isn't good enough, it spreads like a disease, until suddenly I don't feel good enough. How easy it is to fall into a self-made pit when you feel less than good enough.
Fact is, I am not always going to be good enough. But, I have a deep and unmoving worth. I am a person whose life has value. The good Sunday School student answer is that I was created in God's image and therefore have worth. That I am not good enough but by grace through faith I get to be His anyway. But it goes beyond that, too. The rejections I face today aren't my whole story. Our profile has to be rejected just enough times for the right situation to fall into place. I have to be rejected by people important to me to notice who doesn't, to remember not to do it to others.
Rejection hurts but pain almost always goes away with time.
And in the meantime, I have three dogs. Which is the definition of complete and total acceptance and devotion at all times. Even as I write this, with all three snoring at my feet.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
The Perfect Day
The prairie has it's own beauty-- open spaces, wide rivers, tall grass, meticulously organized fields, the sand in the dirt creating interesting formations in the low rolling hills.
But I'm a woods girl at heart. I love the clicks and gurgles of the small creeks that run through the nooks and crannies of the hills, the wind whistling through the tree tops, the crunch the needles and cones of the pines made beneath my feet. The smell of hot sap in the summer and clear, spruce scented winters. I love not knowing what is around the corner until I get there on a small tunneled path surrounded by trees.
Which is why Jim and I promised each other that we would make trips to the forest often, be it the Hills of South Dakota or the mountains of Colorado. This year, with the exception of my sister-in-laws wedding, I wasn't able to spend any time in the woods. Jim's vacation days went to cycling adventures so I stayed home.
My husband recognized a problem and sent out to fix it. He knew that circumstances around our future adoption plans and life in general had me feeling impatient, rejected, lonely and stressed, he did what he knew would heal my heart. Friday night, as I was falling asleep, we talked about where the nearest forest would be and how we could get there. Saturday morning, after a 10 mile run for me and Men's Bible Study for him, we were off to Halsey, NE. Jim took me to the woods!
The minute we pulled in at the recreation area, I rolled down my window and breathed in the smell of home that every forest has (plus smoke from Oregon, which oddly reminded me of home as well, since we experienced a fire in the Hills a few years ago). We went to Scott Lookout Tower first, where David was brave enough to climb to the top. Jim and I took turns climbing the stairs, as the little dogs were too afraid of heights to join us.
We then started down the trail that would lead to the ranger station 3 miles away. We went a ways down the trail before it became obvious that it had too many sand burs for the dogs to enjoy the trip and we turned around.
We walked around the picnic area, crossing the river at the entrance of the forest on a beautiful bridge.
When we got back to North Platte, we stopped at Cold Stone and Qdoba before coming home to watch a movie.
It wasn't a full vacation and we spent more time driving than we did outside of the car, but it was a wonderful day.
I remembered how much I love the woods. I got to do some of my favorite things in exploring new territory, hiking and climbing towers (I don't know why I love climbing up towers, I just do).
Most importantly, however, I was reminded that neither the woods or the prairie are my home. That God provided a temporary home for me on this earth--Jim is that home. Until the day He gives us children, Jim is my family. I was reminded that I was so important to my husband that he would drive 5 hours on a Saturday just so I could spend a little while with some trees. I was reminded that a simple day with my little family of my guy and three dogs can be the perfect day. I was reminded again just how fortunate I am to be married to one of the greatest guys in the world.
Thanks for the great day, sweet heart.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
The Comments Section
I have never found something so consuming, frustrating and tactless as the comments section. It is my estimation that I spend approximately an hour a week reading the comments section on various things-- from youtube videos to blog posts to Facebook debate pages. As someone who is resolutely against participating in most forms of debate, I am often surprised by me interest in what others have to say on any given topic. Yet there I sit, reading, often times getting upset, almost always leaving in a worse mood than I started with. And today, I got so angry I contributed to the madness in one comment.
The comments section is where grammar, kindness and thought out responses go to die.
It's truly unfortunate that people allow the anonymity of a computer screen bolster their courage to say whatever is on their mind, whether it is worthy of the time it takes to type it or not. Opinion, it seems, is far more important than knowledge in internet-land. With the access to millions of opinions, some sounding quite legitimate, it is easy to find someone who agrees with any given idea, fueling this audacity of online commenting
When I discovered the world of online forums, I was excited. As someone naturally shy and constantly thinking about how my words might come across, I looked forward to a place where I didn't have to respond in the moment. Where I could carefully formulate my opinion, word it carefully, and post it when I was prepared to share it. It wasn't long until I left the two forums I had joined because I learned that for some reason, this wasn't a common thought about online conversation.
Most often, it's swiped, incorrect words replacing important ones so what may have been a convincing statement comes across as jibberish (I'm guilty of the swipe faux pas, but I do my best to keep those between my husband and I, so when I accidentally say "ovaries" instead of "oboe reeds", it's something we can giggle about later). The angrier someone becomes, I have found, the less likely they are to use the word they want, spell things correctly, or avoid unnecessary curse words. Some responses, to even the most mundane of videos or articles, are illegible by the time they are posted.
When the responses are a bit more thought out and therefore understandable, they are sometimes so filled with hate that they are hard to read. Without the filter of everyday, face to face conversation, people tend to say things that can be really hurtful, whether they are directed at a particular person or not.
The comments section has done a good job of telling me that everything I am is something someone else is adamantly against and they are more than willing to share their disdain online. Everything from my faith, my pets, my hobbies, my diet, and even our decision to adopt an infant have been topics attacked. It may not be directed at me personally, but some of these cruel comments hit on something very personal for me or someone close to me.
Today, I responded to a comment on a debate page. A woman believed that those adopting an infant "suck" because they are just "waiting around for the perfect baby" instead of adopting from foster care. It was such an ignorant comment, to assume that anyone who desires a child should just hope right into foster parenting, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. All of us in the adoption world have very specific reasons for going the route we do, and we have very important reasons for ours, none of which are the "perfect baby", or "one that looks like we do" (another assumption of the poster in question). She said some hurtful things about adoptive parents of infants and it got under my skin too quickly and too deeply. I won't give it any more attention here, because her thoughts were lacking in information and I think she may have meant well in the end. But she attacked not only something important to me, but she also attacked some of the best people in my life with her comments and I couldn't stand it. I broke a Kristin's Cardinal Rule and replied in the heat of the moment-- luckily, I did a few rephrases before posting and I feel I came across clearly and without sounding like a nut case.
You see, as much as I hate generalizations and as much as I want to believe this isn't true, we live in a world where face to face contact is less and less important and freedom of speech now means you are encouraged to be painfully opinionated without any reasoning behind those opinions. We live in a world where "u r such an iafiot, i can sharz my opinion on dis" is an acceptable rebuttal (actual quote, mind you). We live in a world where we are supposedly accepting of so many things now but can't hold our tongues on any given topic.
I suppose it's always been this way, people destroying other people with their words. It was a problem even in Biblical times, though sometimes I feel like verses were written exactly for online conversation.
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Proverbs 17:28
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19
The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin. Proverbs 10:8
Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 13:3
Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Colossians 4:5-6
and last one of the day
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
People can be cruel. It doesn't mean we have to be, too. Like the old song goes "Oh, be careful little mouth, what you say".
The comments section is where grammar, kindness and thought out responses go to die.
It's truly unfortunate that people allow the anonymity of a computer screen bolster their courage to say whatever is on their mind, whether it is worthy of the time it takes to type it or not. Opinion, it seems, is far more important than knowledge in internet-land. With the access to millions of opinions, some sounding quite legitimate, it is easy to find someone who agrees with any given idea, fueling this audacity of online commenting
When I discovered the world of online forums, I was excited. As someone naturally shy and constantly thinking about how my words might come across, I looked forward to a place where I didn't have to respond in the moment. Where I could carefully formulate my opinion, word it carefully, and post it when I was prepared to share it. It wasn't long until I left the two forums I had joined because I learned that for some reason, this wasn't a common thought about online conversation.
Most often, it's swiped, incorrect words replacing important ones so what may have been a convincing statement comes across as jibberish (I'm guilty of the swipe faux pas, but I do my best to keep those between my husband and I, so when I accidentally say "ovaries" instead of "oboe reeds", it's something we can giggle about later). The angrier someone becomes, I have found, the less likely they are to use the word they want, spell things correctly, or avoid unnecessary curse words. Some responses, to even the most mundane of videos or articles, are illegible by the time they are posted.
When the responses are a bit more thought out and therefore understandable, they are sometimes so filled with hate that they are hard to read. Without the filter of everyday, face to face conversation, people tend to say things that can be really hurtful, whether they are directed at a particular person or not.
The comments section has done a good job of telling me that everything I am is something someone else is adamantly against and they are more than willing to share their disdain online. Everything from my faith, my pets, my hobbies, my diet, and even our decision to adopt an infant have been topics attacked. It may not be directed at me personally, but some of these cruel comments hit on something very personal for me or someone close to me.
Today, I responded to a comment on a debate page. A woman believed that those adopting an infant "suck" because they are just "waiting around for the perfect baby" instead of adopting from foster care. It was such an ignorant comment, to assume that anyone who desires a child should just hope right into foster parenting, as if it's the easiest thing in the world. All of us in the adoption world have very specific reasons for going the route we do, and we have very important reasons for ours, none of which are the "perfect baby", or "one that looks like we do" (another assumption of the poster in question). She said some hurtful things about adoptive parents of infants and it got under my skin too quickly and too deeply. I won't give it any more attention here, because her thoughts were lacking in information and I think she may have meant well in the end. But she attacked not only something important to me, but she also attacked some of the best people in my life with her comments and I couldn't stand it. I broke a Kristin's Cardinal Rule and replied in the heat of the moment-- luckily, I did a few rephrases before posting and I feel I came across clearly and without sounding like a nut case.
You see, as much as I hate generalizations and as much as I want to believe this isn't true, we live in a world where face to face contact is less and less important and freedom of speech now means you are encouraged to be painfully opinionated without any reasoning behind those opinions. We live in a world where "u r such an iafiot, i can sharz my opinion on dis" is an acceptable rebuttal (actual quote, mind you). We live in a world where we are supposedly accepting of so many things now but can't hold our tongues on any given topic.
I suppose it's always been this way, people destroying other people with their words. It was a problem even in Biblical times, though sometimes I feel like verses were written exactly for online conversation.
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Proverbs 17:28
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19
The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin. Proverbs 10:8
Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 13:3
Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Colossians 4:5-6
and last one of the day
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
People can be cruel. It doesn't mean we have to be, too. Like the old song goes "Oh, be careful little mouth, what you say".
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