Yesterday was National Adoption Day. And while that topic is obviously frequently on my mind-- or more accurately, always on my mind-- something else happened yesterday that I wanted to share.
Last night, the best high school musicians from Nebraska gathered together on one stage to sing or play in the jazz band, concert band or orchestra. Among the less than 40 clarinets on stage for the concert band, in her black and orange uniform, was Raelyn.
Raelyn has taken lessons from me for years. So many years in fact that in my too-tired-to-think-after-a-long-drive mind I can't remember how many. She has always been a dedicated student with a natural talent and a desire to do well. She was my first student to have made it into all state band while taking lessons. Her parents bought me a ticket, which was amazing, and then I drove across the state with a part of her family so I could be a part of her first all state concert.
I have had a few students make it into the state level honor bands before, but after they had moved on to other instructors or they did it completely on their own. Genevieve and Micah were both great students that I appreciate being able to say I was a part of their musical journey, even if it was just a small one.
I have had a lot of students be very close to making it or who sport similar high honors in music. Some of my students who didn't make it into the band made it into choir. All have attended honor bands and all have done a fantastic job on their instruments.
I'm fortunate because my job allows me to work with hard working, talented and generally awesome kids. I'm fortunate that I get to show kids what I love to do.
I have the privelage of being in their lives and the responsibility that entails. I'm sure it resonates with a lot of educators when I say that I'm exceedingly proud of "my kids". When "my kids" have a recital, everyone knows I'm not talking about my own children putting on a show, but the kids I instruct privately, who have all taken a piece of my heart. When I show up at music booster meetings I don't think a lot of people question my intent-- because I have a few of "my kids" in these groups.
I have no claim to them, I can't take a lot of credit for their talent and dedication.
I can say that during the years of desiring to have children in my home, "my kids" were a highlight to my day. "My kids" were part of the reason I wanted to become a parent in the first place.
I am extremely grateful for all of "my kids" and I'm so proud of all of them.
Courtney who has a natural talent and desire to do well who rocked her first recital last year after only a few lessons.
Sammi who just made 8th grade all state band and left the audience of our last recital breathless after her piano solo.
Abigail who was the most prepared student I had for all state auditions this year and who rocked it as a high soprano in the choir.
Ashley who has learned a few pieces far too advanced for her level, simply because she wanted to.
Hayden, who bravely did her first piano recital at 5 years old.
Brenna, who went to Europe this summer and has made it her personal goal to audition for every honor band ever, it seems.
Michael, who is the first kid I know to start school band on a second instrument and that instrument was oboe.
Ryanna, who is an alternate for the 8th grade all state band this year and who can play her chromatic scale like mad.
Chase, who has the best vibrato from a high school oboe player I've ever heard and a beautiful singing voice.
Abby, who takes lessons here and there, who sang in the choir this weekend and is going into music education.
Raelyn, who went to Europe this year, made all state and is generally kicking butt and taking names with that clarinet of hers.
You all are one of the best parts of my week.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Communication
For the past couple of weeks I have been in the longest running text message conversation of my life and it has been with a person I have never met before. S, as she will be called on the blog (has nothing to do with her name), the mother of my potential son, and I have been getting to know each other through a series of text messages and short phone calls.
At first, the thought of open adoption was scary because each situation is as unique as the people involved and it leaves a lot unknown until it happens. It's scary because I am tying myself to a person I have no knowledge of for the rest of my life. It's scary because my child will grow up not only knowing I'm not his only mother, but actually knowing the other woman to some degree. It's scary because, even if it's minimally, she can see how I am parenting our child. It's scary because it is something I've never done before.
It was scary but we decided to move forward right away because the experts tell us, and we could see their reasoning, that open adoption helps your child. Open communication gets you answers, gets you medical information, potentially gets you closure. Open communication could mean less feelings of abandonment, could mean less questioning about identity, less pain in the healing. We know that even in a perfect situation, our child won't be guaranteed a perfect little life where being adopted doesn't bother him ever. But, like all parents, we want our child to have as little pain as possible and to grow up healthy, reasonably happy and good people. And even if it's awkward, even if it's scary, even if it's really hard sometimes, we're willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. If that means sharing the title of "mother" with someone my child knows by name, I'm willing to do that for him. Because, I think by definition, the title "mother" means that this decision should be all about him.
We didn't know what our open adoption situation would look like and honestly, we still don't. As of right now, it is going quite well. S and I have discussed the schooling of our son, some of her hobbies and interests, some of mine and planned a trip to visit her before the birth over a weekend in December. The best short conversation we had was naming our son together-- she loved our first name and we asked her to pick out the middle name (which we also loved).
When we meet in December, more pieces will be put in place. I will finally see the face that I will someday recognize pieces of when I look at my son. I will see her pregnant belly, see the area she lives, see her mannerisms.
It might seem strange to those outside of the adoption realm that I am having regular conversations with S. It might seem like it would be awkward or scary or strange. It really hasn't been thus far.
You see, S is a person. Just like me. She deals with dramas that perhaps I don't have to and she has made choices that perhaps I wouldn't have made. She has made a decision I couldn't make, but she has made it for very good reasons. But I am a sinner, and she is a sinner. She has good qualities, and I have good qualities. Our relationship, just like every other relationship on the planet, will ebb and flow as time goes on. As we build trust and interest in each other it will grow and it may fade with time. Unlike other relationships, we have one huge connection that is both the greatest joy and the greatest tragedy-- the joy of a son and the tragedy of his departure from her life. She may need to step away for a time to heal from this. She may need to be in more contact to see her decision was right. Her life may go exceedingly well (as we would wish and pray for her), or she may have struggles. We may disagree on something in the future that causes conflict.
But here we are and I am committed to doing, at a minimum, what we have agreed in pictures, emails and contact. I would love to get to know S very well, and that she would be open to a relationship with the son we will be connected by. I pray that I will be able to be wise in my communication with her, as sometimes it can be a bit of a gray area as to what I should and should not say. There are certain areas of her life that we've been advised not to discuss that I would love to know more about. There are certain things I would love for her to ask us about but don't want to put pressure on her if she doesn't want to know the answers. I pray that I will have enough confidence in my "mommyness" that I won't become frightened by her presence. I pray that this will be a positive part of our son's life.
And I pray every day for S, for her safety, her health and her peace, no matter her decision. But most importantly, I pray multiple times a day for that little boy, that he will grow up to be a good and Godly man, no matter who raises him.
At first, the thought of open adoption was scary because each situation is as unique as the people involved and it leaves a lot unknown until it happens. It's scary because I am tying myself to a person I have no knowledge of for the rest of my life. It's scary because my child will grow up not only knowing I'm not his only mother, but actually knowing the other woman to some degree. It's scary because, even if it's minimally, she can see how I am parenting our child. It's scary because it is something I've never done before.
It was scary but we decided to move forward right away because the experts tell us, and we could see their reasoning, that open adoption helps your child. Open communication gets you answers, gets you medical information, potentially gets you closure. Open communication could mean less feelings of abandonment, could mean less questioning about identity, less pain in the healing. We know that even in a perfect situation, our child won't be guaranteed a perfect little life where being adopted doesn't bother him ever. But, like all parents, we want our child to have as little pain as possible and to grow up healthy, reasonably happy and good people. And even if it's awkward, even if it's scary, even if it's really hard sometimes, we're willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. If that means sharing the title of "mother" with someone my child knows by name, I'm willing to do that for him. Because, I think by definition, the title "mother" means that this decision should be all about him.
We didn't know what our open adoption situation would look like and honestly, we still don't. As of right now, it is going quite well. S and I have discussed the schooling of our son, some of her hobbies and interests, some of mine and planned a trip to visit her before the birth over a weekend in December. The best short conversation we had was naming our son together-- she loved our first name and we asked her to pick out the middle name (which we also loved).
When we meet in December, more pieces will be put in place. I will finally see the face that I will someday recognize pieces of when I look at my son. I will see her pregnant belly, see the area she lives, see her mannerisms.
It might seem strange to those outside of the adoption realm that I am having regular conversations with S. It might seem like it would be awkward or scary or strange. It really hasn't been thus far.
You see, S is a person. Just like me. She deals with dramas that perhaps I don't have to and she has made choices that perhaps I wouldn't have made. She has made a decision I couldn't make, but she has made it for very good reasons. But I am a sinner, and she is a sinner. She has good qualities, and I have good qualities. Our relationship, just like every other relationship on the planet, will ebb and flow as time goes on. As we build trust and interest in each other it will grow and it may fade with time. Unlike other relationships, we have one huge connection that is both the greatest joy and the greatest tragedy-- the joy of a son and the tragedy of his departure from her life. She may need to step away for a time to heal from this. She may need to be in more contact to see her decision was right. Her life may go exceedingly well (as we would wish and pray for her), or she may have struggles. We may disagree on something in the future that causes conflict.
But here we are and I am committed to doing, at a minimum, what we have agreed in pictures, emails and contact. I would love to get to know S very well, and that she would be open to a relationship with the son we will be connected by. I pray that I will be able to be wise in my communication with her, as sometimes it can be a bit of a gray area as to what I should and should not say. There are certain areas of her life that we've been advised not to discuss that I would love to know more about. There are certain things I would love for her to ask us about but don't want to put pressure on her if she doesn't want to know the answers. I pray that I will have enough confidence in my "mommyness" that I won't become frightened by her presence. I pray that this will be a positive part of our son's life.
And I pray every day for S, for her safety, her health and her peace, no matter her decision. But most importantly, I pray multiple times a day for that little boy, that he will grow up to be a good and Godly man, no matter who raises him.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Half Life
November 10 is our dating anniversary. Maybe it's silly to celebrate a dating anniversary when you have a marriage anniversary, but it's something you celebrate when you are high school sweethearts and I didn't see any reason to take away a celebration just because we were adding one.
On November 10, 2001, Jim and I went on our first date. Taco John's and a hike. Jim's taco had a bug in it. It was beautiful fall colors but we walked in awkward first date silence.
Before then, however, I liked him as the "boy from church" and he eventually started liking me back. The time frame on crushes is pretty blurry, however, and does not have an official date. If it did, you could be guaranteed I would be celebrating that, also.
I have been exclusively Jim's "girl" for half of my life. After November 10 I will have been with Jim longer than I have been without him.
 |
| Jim and Gail when we were in high school. |
I was 14 on that first date, 14 years ago. Think about that. Our relationship is as old as a freshman in high school. Somewhere out there, there is a teenager who grew from a baby to a toddler to the moody person they are today while Jim and I have been learning to become one.
 |
| Busting a move in the hallway before prom. |
 |
| A youth retreat while we were dating. |
 |
| Our wedding day, if you didn't guess. |
 |
| Jim and I soon after our marriage. |
I grew up dating Jim, so I learned how to be his wife right along with algebra and history classes. Not to say I didn't learn plenty more after we were married or as we have changed through the years. If you would have told me that my graphing calculator toting boyfriend of high school would be known for his long distance cycling in our late 20's I wouldn't have believed it. I would have been in even more disbelief if you had told me I would be running 6 days a week and all about fitness.
In any case, half of my life has been devoted to that blue-eyed fella' who still makes me smile when he walks in a room. He's been my best friend and confidant since my freshman year of high school. These past couple of years have been hard with infertility stuff and adoption process stress, but our relationship has never been in question. We're in it for the long hall and we're pretty excited to see what the next 14, 24, 34, maybe even 50 years have in store (hoping we live that long!).
 |
| On a date. |
 |
| When Jim took me on my dream vacation! |
 |
| Top of Harney Peak. |
 |
| At the Salt Lake City Zoo. |
 |
| At Gail's wedding-- the bride actually took this picture. |
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
You Might Want To Read This...
Jim and I are pleased to share with our dear friends and family that at this time we have been chosen to be the parent of a little boy. Little Man is set to make his debut in February. We are very excited to share this news with you and want to say thank you for all of the prayers, donations and kindness we've received. There are also some things you might want to know.
What Happened
On Friday, as we were leaving town to go to Denver so I could run a 10K race on Saturday morning (2nd overall female, by the way... I'm totally not sorry for bragging about that!), we received a call from an unknown number with our adoption agency area code. I made Jim pull over, a whole few houses away from our own, and wrote all the information I could on an oil change receipt as the case worker shared that we were someone's top pick!
Through a series of calls and emails over the weekend we ended up speaking with her Monday afternoon. We had a great chat, a lot less awkward than we were expecting, and after we hung up it was minutes later we heard back-- she had officially chosen us as the parents to her son.
So we filled out the paperwork and got the funds on the way to where they belonged and...
went back to work.
What's Next
Being chosen doesn't mean our uncertainty is over. We will continue to get to know the woman who chose us through calls and emails and hopefully we will affirm her decision through these calls. However, her decision is not 100% final. She has every right to change her mind until a few days after the birth, or until she signs her release forms. Hearing the experience of giving birth and the glorious moments of holding that baby afterwards, her decision may become a difficult one to follow through on... maybe even impossible.
After she makes that decision, if she has still chosen us, we have to stay in the state of birth until all of the legal documents are sorted through on the right desk-- which is typically two weeks or so. So we will be living in a hotel with a newborn!
Even after that, there is a six month period before the adoption becomes finalized. Very rarely does anything happen after the birth mother signs the forms, but technically the state and home study have to prove that we are fit parents and they determine that in the first six months.
The next step we are unsure of is a potential visit to the area the baby will be born in. We could then meet the birth mother, visit the hospital, etc., and make the delivery a lot less awkward since it won't be the first time we're meeting. However, travel is expensive and takes vacation days, things that are a hindrance for us right now. But we will be hoping to find a way to make that a reality somehow.
No Details
There are a few things Jim and I will gladly tell you. We have been chosen (yay!), and Lord willing, a little biracial boy will be born in February and we will be bringing him home a few weeks later.
We will tell you that we respect his mother and we believe that she is making a wise decision in making an adoption plan (not because she chose us and we're happy about that, but because it is truly a good decision for her situation).
We will not be telling you details about her life, out of respect for her and the baby. We don't want anyone making assumptions about the woman who is giving us the gift of parenthood. We also want our child's adoption journey to be their story, something they can share instead of hearing it from others.
So if you ask a question please don't be offended if we don't answer. We aren't hiding something from you, we are protecting what isn't ours to share.
Help
Because there are a few who always ask (thank you, so much, by the way), we just ask for prayers for the right decisions to be made for that little boy. For wisdom on our part in how to love the new people in our life-- a whole family, in fact. For his mother, who is going to have some tough days ahead. And for our (hopefully) son, that he will be who God wants him to be.
Thank you
Again. From the bottom of my heart (and Jim's too) for the prayers, the love, the support (financial and otherwise) that you have given us. Even if this particular situation ends differently than we hope, we are still so grateful to have you all!
What Happened
On Friday, as we were leaving town to go to Denver so I could run a 10K race on Saturday morning (2nd overall female, by the way... I'm totally not sorry for bragging about that!), we received a call from an unknown number with our adoption agency area code. I made Jim pull over, a whole few houses away from our own, and wrote all the information I could on an oil change receipt as the case worker shared that we were someone's top pick!
Through a series of calls and emails over the weekend we ended up speaking with her Monday afternoon. We had a great chat, a lot less awkward than we were expecting, and after we hung up it was minutes later we heard back-- she had officially chosen us as the parents to her son.
So we filled out the paperwork and got the funds on the way to where they belonged and...
went back to work.
What's Next
Being chosen doesn't mean our uncertainty is over. We will continue to get to know the woman who chose us through calls and emails and hopefully we will affirm her decision through these calls. However, her decision is not 100% final. She has every right to change her mind until a few days after the birth, or until she signs her release forms. Hearing the experience of giving birth and the glorious moments of holding that baby afterwards, her decision may become a difficult one to follow through on... maybe even impossible.
After she makes that decision, if she has still chosen us, we have to stay in the state of birth until all of the legal documents are sorted through on the right desk-- which is typically two weeks or so. So we will be living in a hotel with a newborn!
Even after that, there is a six month period before the adoption becomes finalized. Very rarely does anything happen after the birth mother signs the forms, but technically the state and home study have to prove that we are fit parents and they determine that in the first six months.
The next step we are unsure of is a potential visit to the area the baby will be born in. We could then meet the birth mother, visit the hospital, etc., and make the delivery a lot less awkward since it won't be the first time we're meeting. However, travel is expensive and takes vacation days, things that are a hindrance for us right now. But we will be hoping to find a way to make that a reality somehow.
No Details
There are a few things Jim and I will gladly tell you. We have been chosen (yay!), and Lord willing, a little biracial boy will be born in February and we will be bringing him home a few weeks later.
We will tell you that we respect his mother and we believe that she is making a wise decision in making an adoption plan (not because she chose us and we're happy about that, but because it is truly a good decision for her situation).
We will not be telling you details about her life, out of respect for her and the baby. We don't want anyone making assumptions about the woman who is giving us the gift of parenthood. We also want our child's adoption journey to be their story, something they can share instead of hearing it from others.
So if you ask a question please don't be offended if we don't answer. We aren't hiding something from you, we are protecting what isn't ours to share.
Help
Because there are a few who always ask (thank you, so much, by the way), we just ask for prayers for the right decisions to be made for that little boy. For wisdom on our part in how to love the new people in our life-- a whole family, in fact. For his mother, who is going to have some tough days ahead. And for our (hopefully) son, that he will be who God wants him to be.
Thank you
Again. From the bottom of my heart (and Jim's too) for the prayers, the love, the support (financial and otherwise) that you have given us. Even if this particular situation ends differently than we hope, we are still so grateful to have you all!
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Action and Reaction
In the past few weeks, I have had a few people, without any conscious prompting on my part, admit that they weren't really sure what to say to Jim and I as we go through the waiting stage of the adoption process. I understand, as I have experienced the lack of words myself when witnessing someone else go through something difficult.
Empathy is hard. Expressing empathy is even harder. It goes against what we would do naturally. Empathy is experiencing things vicariously through someone else, usually related to something unpleasant. Empathy is feeling what a person is feeling. It's having a pain you don't want that has nothing to do with you.
I don't claim to be an empathy master. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty awful at it at times. I am also pretty bad at receiving empathy sometimes, too. Since the subject has come up within our situation, as well as a few things I've witnessed in others lives recently and in a Bible study message, I thought maybe I would share a bit about maybe how we can express empathy in a way that is respectful and loving.
First, there are some things we probably shouldn't do but tend to be the natural reaction most of us have. Personally, I tend to want to make someone feel better as quickly as possible, so my natural reaction to someone's troubles is try to tell a joke or lighten the mood. However, that isn't always what people need, and neither are the following.
1. Don't give advice, provide solutions or try to fix the problem. Unless you know the person really well and know what they are seeking. If you have a personal story or advice you think will rock that person's world, think about it and then ask if they are wanting any advice. Often times, people just want encouragement.
2. Don't use cliches or common sayings. I don't know how many times I was told if I just stopped trying to have a baby we would get pregnant. This was not helpful, encouraging, and in the end, wasn't even true. There are a lot of examples of things we just say automatically that aren't helpful. Sometimes they might even seem helpful initially, but they are just empty words that make us feel as though we have done our duty in comforting someone without actually getting our hands dirty.
This one is going to make me sound like a terrible Christian...
3. God doesn't have to be mentioned to be present. As a believer, I know that God is with me, He is hearing me, that He is in control and cares about me. Hearing it in a chipper voice when my faith is hanging on by a thread, however, isn't always helpful and can come across as fake or pushy. While I'm not saying you should never mention God while people are struggling, I think sometimes letting your actions speak can build your relationships better and ultimately glorify Him more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There have been times in the past couple of years when all I needed was someone to empathize with me in very simple ways. I truly believe that empathy takes a lot of bravery, but doesn't take a lot of work. I'm sure other people have different needs than me, but these things have been the most encouraging things I have received when I needed someone to care and I have never been yelled at for attempting these when I needed to empathize with someone else.
1. Do initiate. The worst part about knowing someone is going through something is sometimes that we just don't know what to say, so we don't say it. But the silence can so easily come across as lack of caring to the other person. I don't think it's necessary to talk about the situation, whatever it is, all the time. Just a card, a call, an email, a gesture that lets the person know they are on your mind can do a lot when they are feeling all alone.
2. Do ask questions. Start with "how are you?" and listen to the answer. Ask clarifying questions. Not "have you tried...?", which is more of an offering of advice than seeking information. Try to understand the situation they are in better. Having more information may help you feel what they are feeling better and therefore help you know how to proceed or what else to say. If they aren't willing to share, the worst they can do is not answer and that's okay. You didn't do anything to offend them by asking.
The sweetest question we had asked was a simple "is there anything concrete I can do to help?". For our situation, the answer is no, because it is up to a birthmother to decide and ultimately God to arrange a situation that is best for the baby. It was still a really sweet thing to ask and made us feel as though someone truly cared.
3. Do keep it simple and express your solidarity. I'm sorry this is happening. I hurt for you. I feel for you. I'm here for you. These are the comments that never offend anyone and say a lot about you. To me, it says you are willing to go through this with me, even to a small extent, and that makes me feel like I'm not the only one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Empathy is the action we should take when someone is struggling. However, as always, there are two sides to every coin. When we receive empathy, we should know how. I know that through this situation I have learned that I was lacking in empathy both in giving and receiving and I want to become better at both to be a better representation of what I believe in Christ.
Receiving empathy can be hard because people misunderstand what is happening, have preconceived notions, react in ways that are unintentionally offensive or sometimes it's simply that we don't know how to react to their empathy.
1. Understand the misunderstandings. Even people who have been through very similar circumstances didn't go through the exact same thing as you. They won't know your "sore spots". Sometimes, people speak from a place of ignorance without realizing their words can be damaging. Not a lot of people know about the adoption process fully, or about depression, or about losing a family member. I don't see a problem with correcting the misunderstandings. If the person means well, give them some grace and understanding that they aren't an expert on your situation or your feelings.
2.Speak up. If someone does say something that is inadvertently hurtful, you can tell them you would prefer not to hear that, or you can defend your position. If someone asks if they can help and there is way, tell them what it is. If someone is trying to be there for you and you feel comfortable with them, be as open as is appropriate.
3. Your pain doesn't negate others problems. Other people still need my empathy every day. Even on the days when I feel like crawling under a rock, other people still exist. Circumstances shouldn't dictate your kindness, gentleness, goodness, self-control or love. The benefits of this are numerous. First, it is easy when in a struggle to feel as though you don't matter-- nothing makes you see your value more than helping another person. Second, those people are getting the love they need in their situation. Third, you strengthen these traits when you practice them while it's hard to.
I'm going to continue to work on empathy in my own life in both giving and receiving. I hope someday we will be able to teach it to a kid or two, too. Because I believe empathy is one of the best ways to build strong relationships. Coming along someone in their time of need is difficult but rewarding for everyone involved.
Empathy is hard. Expressing empathy is even harder. It goes against what we would do naturally. Empathy is experiencing things vicariously through someone else, usually related to something unpleasant. Empathy is feeling what a person is feeling. It's having a pain you don't want that has nothing to do with you.
I don't claim to be an empathy master. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty awful at it at times. I am also pretty bad at receiving empathy sometimes, too. Since the subject has come up within our situation, as well as a few things I've witnessed in others lives recently and in a Bible study message, I thought maybe I would share a bit about maybe how we can express empathy in a way that is respectful and loving.
First, there are some things we probably shouldn't do but tend to be the natural reaction most of us have. Personally, I tend to want to make someone feel better as quickly as possible, so my natural reaction to someone's troubles is try to tell a joke or lighten the mood. However, that isn't always what people need, and neither are the following.
1. Don't give advice, provide solutions or try to fix the problem. Unless you know the person really well and know what they are seeking. If you have a personal story or advice you think will rock that person's world, think about it and then ask if they are wanting any advice. Often times, people just want encouragement.
2. Don't use cliches or common sayings. I don't know how many times I was told if I just stopped trying to have a baby we would get pregnant. This was not helpful, encouraging, and in the end, wasn't even true. There are a lot of examples of things we just say automatically that aren't helpful. Sometimes they might even seem helpful initially, but they are just empty words that make us feel as though we have done our duty in comforting someone without actually getting our hands dirty.
This one is going to make me sound like a terrible Christian...
3. God doesn't have to be mentioned to be present. As a believer, I know that God is with me, He is hearing me, that He is in control and cares about me. Hearing it in a chipper voice when my faith is hanging on by a thread, however, isn't always helpful and can come across as fake or pushy. While I'm not saying you should never mention God while people are struggling, I think sometimes letting your actions speak can build your relationships better and ultimately glorify Him more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There have been times in the past couple of years when all I needed was someone to empathize with me in very simple ways. I truly believe that empathy takes a lot of bravery, but doesn't take a lot of work. I'm sure other people have different needs than me, but these things have been the most encouraging things I have received when I needed someone to care and I have never been yelled at for attempting these when I needed to empathize with someone else.
1. Do initiate. The worst part about knowing someone is going through something is sometimes that we just don't know what to say, so we don't say it. But the silence can so easily come across as lack of caring to the other person. I don't think it's necessary to talk about the situation, whatever it is, all the time. Just a card, a call, an email, a gesture that lets the person know they are on your mind can do a lot when they are feeling all alone.
2. Do ask questions. Start with "how are you?" and listen to the answer. Ask clarifying questions. Not "have you tried...?", which is more of an offering of advice than seeking information. Try to understand the situation they are in better. Having more information may help you feel what they are feeling better and therefore help you know how to proceed or what else to say. If they aren't willing to share, the worst they can do is not answer and that's okay. You didn't do anything to offend them by asking.
The sweetest question we had asked was a simple "is there anything concrete I can do to help?". For our situation, the answer is no, because it is up to a birthmother to decide and ultimately God to arrange a situation that is best for the baby. It was still a really sweet thing to ask and made us feel as though someone truly cared.
3. Do keep it simple and express your solidarity. I'm sorry this is happening. I hurt for you. I feel for you. I'm here for you. These are the comments that never offend anyone and say a lot about you. To me, it says you are willing to go through this with me, even to a small extent, and that makes me feel like I'm not the only one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Empathy is the action we should take when someone is struggling. However, as always, there are two sides to every coin. When we receive empathy, we should know how. I know that through this situation I have learned that I was lacking in empathy both in giving and receiving and I want to become better at both to be a better representation of what I believe in Christ.
Receiving empathy can be hard because people misunderstand what is happening, have preconceived notions, react in ways that are unintentionally offensive or sometimes it's simply that we don't know how to react to their empathy.
1. Understand the misunderstandings. Even people who have been through very similar circumstances didn't go through the exact same thing as you. They won't know your "sore spots". Sometimes, people speak from a place of ignorance without realizing their words can be damaging. Not a lot of people know about the adoption process fully, or about depression, or about losing a family member. I don't see a problem with correcting the misunderstandings. If the person means well, give them some grace and understanding that they aren't an expert on your situation or your feelings.
2.Speak up. If someone does say something that is inadvertently hurtful, you can tell them you would prefer not to hear that, or you can defend your position. If someone asks if they can help and there is way, tell them what it is. If someone is trying to be there for you and you feel comfortable with them, be as open as is appropriate.
3. Your pain doesn't negate others problems. Other people still need my empathy every day. Even on the days when I feel like crawling under a rock, other people still exist. Circumstances shouldn't dictate your kindness, gentleness, goodness, self-control or love. The benefits of this are numerous. First, it is easy when in a struggle to feel as though you don't matter-- nothing makes you see your value more than helping another person. Second, those people are getting the love they need in their situation. Third, you strengthen these traits when you practice them while it's hard to.
I'm going to continue to work on empathy in my own life in both giving and receiving. I hope someday we will be able to teach it to a kid or two, too. Because I believe empathy is one of the best ways to build strong relationships. Coming along someone in their time of need is difficult but rewarding for everyone involved.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
The Stockpile
When Jim and I started the adoption process, we did the best we could to return to what I like to call the "college budget". When we were first married and Jim was a full time student, I worked two part time jobs, sometimes three. I wasn't making a lot, so we lived with very little income. We stuck to a strict budget. We lived mostly off of ramen noodles, mac and cheese and boxed meals, but we lived comfortably in our tiny apartment and didn't complain that we couldn't afford to eat out.
The budget got a little squishier when Jim graduated and we started living on a regular income. Of course, expenses also increased. A mortgage that didn't include utilities like our rent payment made living a little more expensive, as did my interest in health and our acquiring three dogs.
However, we have done a lot of cutting since we saw the price tag on adoption. From renegotiating my cell phone bill, going to a new internet provider, to returning to a more strict grocery and date night budget (though I admit, they are both higher than they used to be! Especially groceries... mac and cheese and ramen noodles are really cheap but not exactly the healthiest option).
One thing that was added to the budget, though, was the stockpile item.
Every month, we buy a baby item.
After scouring the internet and reading plenty of "what you need for baby" lists, I made a list of my own. I know that once there are children in our home I will realize my list was off in one way or another, but I think I have the basics covered.
I walk through the clearance aisle of Wal*Mart if I'm there, or use a coupon at the local drug store, or buy things when they are on sale, but every month I check something off of the baby stuff list. Small, essential items like bottles, swaddling blankets, onesies, towels. Just one or two a month to add to the pile so when we get "the call", we won't have to spend the first 24 hours of having a baby in the baby aisle trying to buy all the stuff we need.
Some sweet people in my life have added some things to our little stockpile. My best friend sent us gender neutral onesies early on in the process. My mom bought cloth diapers when she saw some on sale. My sister-in-law dropped off a few items her son is no longer using.
Admittedly, I didn't think we would have the time to collect so many items. Maybe it's just me, but as a potential adoptive parent couple, I thought Jim and I were going to be picked "quickly". I mean, our profile represents the best of us-- we are a kind of cute, athletic, musical, smart (well, Jim is smart), animal loving couple in a small, supportive community. I thought certainly someone would snatch us right up.
Obviously, the woman who is meant to find us completely adorable hasn't seen our profile yet. We know that it's all in God's timing so we try to keep looking forward. I look at this pile with a mix of impatience, hope for the future, sadness for the current circumstances... and a bit of satisfaction in being somewhat prepared (I am a planner, and knowing that I have everything my baby will need the first couple weeks except formula and a car seat has me feeling a little more at ease. Because, you know, having burp clothes means I will totally know what to do with a newborn, right?).
In any case, our guest bedroom currently looks like that of expectant parents. A lot of cute little pastel colored things I hope to get to use one day. A lot of hope.
The budget got a little squishier when Jim graduated and we started living on a regular income. Of course, expenses also increased. A mortgage that didn't include utilities like our rent payment made living a little more expensive, as did my interest in health and our acquiring three dogs.
However, we have done a lot of cutting since we saw the price tag on adoption. From renegotiating my cell phone bill, going to a new internet provider, to returning to a more strict grocery and date night budget (though I admit, they are both higher than they used to be! Especially groceries... mac and cheese and ramen noodles are really cheap but not exactly the healthiest option).
One thing that was added to the budget, though, was the stockpile item.
Every month, we buy a baby item.
After scouring the internet and reading plenty of "what you need for baby" lists, I made a list of my own. I know that once there are children in our home I will realize my list was off in one way or another, but I think I have the basics covered.
I walk through the clearance aisle of Wal*Mart if I'm there, or use a coupon at the local drug store, or buy things when they are on sale, but every month I check something off of the baby stuff list. Small, essential items like bottles, swaddling blankets, onesies, towels. Just one or two a month to add to the pile so when we get "the call", we won't have to spend the first 24 hours of having a baby in the baby aisle trying to buy all the stuff we need.
Some sweet people in my life have added some things to our little stockpile. My best friend sent us gender neutral onesies early on in the process. My mom bought cloth diapers when she saw some on sale. My sister-in-law dropped off a few items her son is no longer using.
Obviously, the woman who is meant to find us completely adorable hasn't seen our profile yet. We know that it's all in God's timing so we try to keep looking forward. I look at this pile with a mix of impatience, hope for the future, sadness for the current circumstances... and a bit of satisfaction in being somewhat prepared (I am a planner, and knowing that I have everything my baby will need the first couple weeks except formula and a car seat has me feeling a little more at ease. Because, you know, having burp clothes means I will totally know what to do with a newborn, right?).
In any case, our guest bedroom currently looks like that of expectant parents. A lot of cute little pastel colored things I hope to get to use one day. A lot of hope.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Give Me A Break, Give Me A Break...
... break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!
Actually, don't. I don't eat kit kat bars anymore, though they were a favorite of mine growing up.
That, my friends, is what you'd call a random introduction.
I say my friends because I'm sharing this on my Facebook page, a page designed for friends specifically. And as awkward as it feels to do this, I'm posting this on my Facebook page to let you know that I won't be visiting my Facebook page as often for a while.
On Sunday night, I deleted Facebook from my phone. The account is still here, I plan on checking it every now and again, because I'm in charge of a couple of other pages and want to make sure I keep up with those.
Normally a Facebook or social media hiatus doesn't need to be announced, I've been on many since joining bebo years ago (I think that was the name... it was the not-so-cool myspace that no one knew about but me and a few church ladies). However, I figured people might wonder why I'm not around "liking" things anymore and didn't want them to take offense.
I am taking a break for a few reasons. First, it was becoming somewhat of an addiction in my life. I could get to the app on my phone with eyes closed and I would check it multiple times a day-- sometimes out of curiosity but sometimes out of habit. I don't like having something become second nature without taking some time to decide if it's really worth it in my daily routine. I want to make sure it doesn't become something I just "need".
Second, I am being a terrible Facebook page manager for our church and the arts council and if I don't just go on Facebook every day it will be more intentional, which I'm hoping will spur me on to being a better steward of the pages that have been assigned to me.
Third, and this one is tricky to talk about and a little touchy feely, is sometimes there is too much happy on Facebook for me to handle.
See, I have a finely tuned news feed. I have an exceptional group of people in my friends list and I have done some tweaking so that memes are at a minimum and my feed is simply a pleasant online experience. My friends are witty, intelligent, positive, kind. I like "surrounding" myself with them while online. You all are like a warm blanket.
I love my friends. I love their kids. I love reading pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, good news, cute quotes from kids and anything that moves peoples lives forward. I am filled with joy for the good stories I get to see in lives I wouldn't normally get a chance to be a part of (take my cousin in Australia, for example. I can't exactly just walk down the street and say hi, but I can congratulate her on her recent victories as a body builder).
But these sweet things that are shared can, by no fault of my friends, feel like sugar coated daggers.
I will never get to share a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. How stupid that after accepting that I will never experience a pregnancy, the fact that I don't get to hold a beach ball to my tummy or hold up a preggo can or write a question mark on my belly is what makes me sad.
And while I watch the tummies of my pregnant friends grow on their timelines, I am reminded that my son or daughter and I will never experience that extra nine months of bonding time together. What this means for my baby and for the woman that gets to do that bonding breaks my heart.
I see peoples lives moving forward as they should-- sharing vacation photos, celebrating birthdays, moving up in their careers. For the past 10 months my answer to "what's new?" has been "still just waiting".
Listen. I am doing my best not to complain. It sucks to wait. I was raised as basically an only child and a spoiled one at that. I'm used to getting my way in a decent time frame. I get that this process takes time... sometimes a lot of time. I get that there will be slip ups and decisions made out of my control that will make it seem even longer. I'm trying to see this as a temporary thing that will eventually lead to the right circumstances for our children. I can usually conquer this impatience and jealousy for the sake of loving my friends and celebrating in their lives.
But sometimes 3 pregnancy announcements, a birth and pictures of kids are all I see on my news feed. And sometimes, it's not a pleasant place for me to be anymore.
So I'm taking a break. Keep sharing all of your awesome life stuffs, because I totally expect some likes and what not when I post stuff of my kids (I may be the kind of mom who posts finger painting art on her wall, so you may have to stretch the truth a bit).
For now, know that if I haven't liked something in a while it isn't because I don't like it in real life. I still think you are awesome. I'm just working on me being better at handling your awesomeness :).
Actually, don't. I don't eat kit kat bars anymore, though they were a favorite of mine growing up.
That, my friends, is what you'd call a random introduction.
I say my friends because I'm sharing this on my Facebook page, a page designed for friends specifically. And as awkward as it feels to do this, I'm posting this on my Facebook page to let you know that I won't be visiting my Facebook page as often for a while.
On Sunday night, I deleted Facebook from my phone. The account is still here, I plan on checking it every now and again, because I'm in charge of a couple of other pages and want to make sure I keep up with those.
Normally a Facebook or social media hiatus doesn't need to be announced, I've been on many since joining bebo years ago (I think that was the name... it was the not-so-cool myspace that no one knew about but me and a few church ladies). However, I figured people might wonder why I'm not around "liking" things anymore and didn't want them to take offense.
I am taking a break for a few reasons. First, it was becoming somewhat of an addiction in my life. I could get to the app on my phone with eyes closed and I would check it multiple times a day-- sometimes out of curiosity but sometimes out of habit. I don't like having something become second nature without taking some time to decide if it's really worth it in my daily routine. I want to make sure it doesn't become something I just "need".
Second, I am being a terrible Facebook page manager for our church and the arts council and if I don't just go on Facebook every day it will be more intentional, which I'm hoping will spur me on to being a better steward of the pages that have been assigned to me.
Third, and this one is tricky to talk about and a little touchy feely, is sometimes there is too much happy on Facebook for me to handle.
See, I have a finely tuned news feed. I have an exceptional group of people in my friends list and I have done some tweaking so that memes are at a minimum and my feed is simply a pleasant online experience. My friends are witty, intelligent, positive, kind. I like "surrounding" myself with them while online. You all are like a warm blanket.
I love my friends. I love their kids. I love reading pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, good news, cute quotes from kids and anything that moves peoples lives forward. I am filled with joy for the good stories I get to see in lives I wouldn't normally get a chance to be a part of (take my cousin in Australia, for example. I can't exactly just walk down the street and say hi, but I can congratulate her on her recent victories as a body builder).
But these sweet things that are shared can, by no fault of my friends, feel like sugar coated daggers.
I will never get to share a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. How stupid that after accepting that I will never experience a pregnancy, the fact that I don't get to hold a beach ball to my tummy or hold up a preggo can or write a question mark on my belly is what makes me sad.
And while I watch the tummies of my pregnant friends grow on their timelines, I am reminded that my son or daughter and I will never experience that extra nine months of bonding time together. What this means for my baby and for the woman that gets to do that bonding breaks my heart.
I see peoples lives moving forward as they should-- sharing vacation photos, celebrating birthdays, moving up in their careers. For the past 10 months my answer to "what's new?" has been "still just waiting".
Listen. I am doing my best not to complain. It sucks to wait. I was raised as basically an only child and a spoiled one at that. I'm used to getting my way in a decent time frame. I get that this process takes time... sometimes a lot of time. I get that there will be slip ups and decisions made out of my control that will make it seem even longer. I'm trying to see this as a temporary thing that will eventually lead to the right circumstances for our children. I can usually conquer this impatience and jealousy for the sake of loving my friends and celebrating in their lives.
But sometimes 3 pregnancy announcements, a birth and pictures of kids are all I see on my news feed. And sometimes, it's not a pleasant place for me to be anymore.
So I'm taking a break. Keep sharing all of your awesome life stuffs, because I totally expect some likes and what not when I post stuff of my kids (I may be the kind of mom who posts finger painting art on her wall, so you may have to stretch the truth a bit).
For now, know that if I haven't liked something in a while it isn't because I don't like it in real life. I still think you are awesome. I'm just working on me being better at handling your awesomeness :).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)